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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is it unfair of me to deny my daughter the chance to have a sibling ?

36 replies

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 17:39

Hi, I have a 3 year old daughter and I'm not planning on another one for a while yet. My sister in law has recently had a baby boy and my daughter absoluitly loves him. She wants to hold him and kiss him all the time and when he's not there, she talks about him a lot. I always wanted a 6 year age gap so that it would be easier as my daughter would have settled in to primary school, and I would have plenty of guilt free time with the baby.
I just don't know if that is being selfish of me as Lucy would obviously love a little sibling, and leaving a big gap would meen that thay wouldn't have much in common. I know that I shouldn't have a baby just to please my daughter but at the same time don't want to deny her a sibling. I had treatment to concieve Lucy and would need it again, pluss my fertillity is decreasing. It's so hard to know what to do. The way I see it is that Lucy was such a longed for baby and now I have her I feel very content and wouldn't want a second baby to be any less longed for, as it wouldn't be fair. What would you do ?

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bubblagirl · 19/03/2008 18:00

i dont think you are depriving her she needs your attention more now anyway she is still at age of needing all mummys attention its different when baby dont live with you but if you did then she would become jealous of time split between two

when a bit older easier to rationalise and get her to help as she will be into other things and not nessasarily be as needy for attention

i feel the same at times as dp dont want anymore and i only have 1 ds 3 next month but with his delays in development i feel he needs all my attention anyway and to add another sibling could throw his frustrations so bad it'll change him and progress that has been made

my sis is 5 yrs older than us and we get on ok age hasnt affected anything

3NAB · 19/03/2008 18:03

If you only had 3 months to conceive and that was it what would you do?

I wouldn't be too set on the 6 year gap thing as things don't always go to plan.

She loves the baby as he is a novelty.

My son would love another sibling but it won't happen. You have to do what is right for you but if you fertiility is decreasing I would think carefully about waiting too long.

3NAB · 19/03/2008 18:03

If you only had 3 months to conceive and that was it what would you do?

I wouldn't be too set on the 6 year gap thing as things don't always go to plan.

She loves the baby as he is a novelty.

My son would love another sibling but it won't happen. You have to do what is right for you but if you fertiility is decreasing I would think carefully about waiting too long.

foofi · 19/03/2008 18:05

You have to do what is right for you, not what you think you OUGHT to do. I also have a sister 5 years younger who I get on well with. My two are 2 years apart and they fight all the time (although I'm hoping that's a phase!!)

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:06

Thanks for that. Lucy also has verbal dyspraxia so it's a similar situation. She gets quite frustrated at times and does need a lot of attention.

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bubblagirl · 19/03/2008 18:07

also i was told couldnt have children endless problems still do have them on meds so not ovulating

i feel so blessed to have ds that in all honesty i do and dont feel need to have another

as it was lucky we had him anyway meds i was on threw my hormones sky high and concieved but by luck

i dont know if i could handle sleepless nights again and ds as i feel such love for him i dont know if i want to bring heart ache of trying although dp wont anyway

he wont lack for anything we have close family he has alot of progress to make in himself and not sure if i could handle that and new born

would love to have opportunity but was so lucky with how i concieved ds

the more i think about it the more i feel ok for having 1 child my body was put through alot and dont think i could risk it again it was a long hard pregnancy and labour and that kind of puts me off

at least my ds wont go without love and family just wont have a sibling but even if dp did want more isnt a guarantee that we could so i will be content with my little family as it is

redadmiral · 19/03/2008 18:12

Your daughter has no idea of what it's really like to have a sibling.

My DD pleaded for one, but within a few months was bitterly disappointed, and that was before the wars over toys began!

'When I said 'but you wanted a sister' she said, 'but I wanted a nice one.'

I have a 4 and 3/4 year gap between mine, and they get on much better than my sister and I with a 2 year gap.

Do what's right for you - you are the most important person in this equation, which you will realise once you become pregnant again.

Kindersurpise · 19/03/2008 18:14

Our 2 are just over 2 years apart and while it was quite stressful the first year, it is great now.

The do fight a bit, but also play well together and are very affectionate with each other. The teachers in kindergarten even commented on them being so close.

The decision was taken out of our hands with DS, he was a bit of a surprise, but a happy one.

There is no right and wrong time for a second child.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:15

You're right every one. I have this 6 year gap in minde as being ideal, but what gap is ideal ? I thought she'd be settled in to school by then, but it might mean that I've left it too late. If I was told I had only 3 months to concieve, then I would try like mad. I'd hate to have any regrets, although I have a wonderfull daughter and I realise how lucky I am. Not that long ago I thought I might never have a child. I just don't want her to miss out on anything.

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mamalocco · 19/03/2008 18:17

There was a great article in Junior magazine this month about the benefits of being an only child (am one myself and I am lovely ). Who is to say that having a sibling would be a positive experience for Lucy? If you have another baby, have one because its right for you not to give your lo a sibling.

pointedegg · 19/03/2008 18:18

I think it's your choice and whatever the choice it won't adversely affect your dd.

Kindersurpise · 19/03/2008 18:19

Our youngest is now 3.7yo and the thought of starting again with nappies and sleepless nights is quite daunting. I would not want to go back to that. I am enjoying the new found freedom now that both are in kindergarten.

Yes, I sometimes wished that DD was old enough for kindergarten before DS came along. A friend had this, though and said that it was difficult too as she had to waken up her baby to pick up her DD.

There is no perfect answer. Just the best for you at the moment.

bubblagirl · 19/03/2008 18:19

sit down with dh and put pros and cons and what you want and where you want to be in 5 years

you may mutually decide that one child lavished with all your love is enough or you may think in a yr start trying talk it through and see what you both come up with

its hard as in my heart i like it being ds and me and dp but the other part is so sad dp doesnt want more but my cons weigh up more than my pros so will be content with what i have

as i am lucky to have it many people still trying for 1 not sure i want all the pain of trying aand dont in all honesty think i woulod cope as ds needs all of my attention due to his development delays and some days im so down and have no energy couldnt imagine being pregnant or having new born to

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:25

bubblagirl- That is so like our situation and how I feel about it. Nothing is streight forward. I was extreamly ill throughout my pregnancy as well which puts me off a bit. They say there's no garuntee that it I'll be so ill next time but they can't garuntee that I won't be. This is another reason for the bigger gap.
I suppose for now she'll have a little cousin to play with and she goes to nursery.

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Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 18:33

My DH used the "it's unfair to DD - she should have a sibling" to push me into trying for No2. And I did have to be pushed extremely hard.

DS is the dearest little boy in the world - when he came along I realised that he was loved every bit as much as DD.

And I do think there is some sense in the idea that siblings are good.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:34

It wouldn't bother me at all going back to sleepless nights, feeding ect. I loved being a Mummy so much, I have nothing but happy memories of it. I felt as if I was walking on air for at least a year. It was my dream come true to be a Mum.
I hope it would be the same the next time around. I am a bit worried, as my Mum confesed to me that she instantly bonded with me, but found it hard to bond with my brother. I would feel awful if this happened to me.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:43

There is also the possibilites of twins with the treatment I will have so that's another concideration. (I would love twins though) I was hoping that Lucy would be one. I would want her to be at least 6 though, maybe even 10.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 19/03/2008 18:44

OP posts:

keevamum · 19/03/2008 18:45

My two DD's have a 6 year age gap between them and it isn't ideal but i don't think any gap is. The eldest pleaded for a sibling from 4 onwards but once she arrived she told me she'd changed her mind and wanted her mum and dad back all to herself. I think it was a very big adjustment to make for DD1 after 6 years having us all to herself. They do get on well enough but DD1 will quite often want to do things on her own rather than play baby games. Also I had a lovely idea for doing up our loft into a girl's paradise with all pretend play furniture in until DH reminded me that because of their age gap it might be used for 6 months tops so not to bother....I felt very similar to you aswell when you said it wouldn't bother me at all to go back to sleepless nights but the reality was much harder than I had envisaged. If we have a third we will not leave a big age gap but I loved every minute I spent with DD1 so I don't regret it at all. Every month now my 2 DDs are getting closer and closer so that's nice too.

bubblagirl · 19/03/2008 18:57

i also run risk of having twins as i am one and possibly would need treatment i loved every bit of being a mum everyone was amazed how natural it came to me

its just ds as he is now with his delays the frustrations i feel and he does can make some days hard and not sure i could do it all with ahvinga baby

but also i know it wont hurt him to be only child dp one possibly why he doesnt want anymore

but i may not be able to have any more an dif i put all hopes on having another and it doesnt work i will feel ive missed out whe i havent as ds is an amazing little boy

but as dp doesnt want anymore it solves problem for me as would never trick him and need to give ds all my time to get him through his problems

and i do like my sleep now as ds only just going through the night well 4 out of 7 and i like the freedom we get as well now as his age is at an exciting age and we can just nip out no worries

just do what you think is best i know in my heart this is best for us as ds needs my full attention and i know as much as i love being a mum i wouldnt cope as some days i find it hard with his delays xx

Mylittlepea · 19/03/2008 20:18

Its really hard to know what to do, but personally if you need fertility treatment I wouldn't leave it for another 2-3 years if you are certain you would like to try for another.

My DD is from 3rd IVF/ICSI and I love her so mcuh but would love another. I am not sure if DH will agree to more treatment and I am not sure if we can afford it either!!!

You just cannot 'plan' if concieving doesn't come easily to you, it might take longer than you expect.

There is no right age gap I don't think, but you should have a baby for you not for your DD (although I do get where you are coming from!!)

Good luck whatever you decide
xxx

pinkymo · 19/03/2008 21:15

I had a terrible time just after pregnancy and don't want another child for myself but also worry about whether in time I will feel guilty for not giving my 3yr old a sibling. I try and convince myself every day that her remaining an only child is the right decision, but know that the uncertainty around that choice will always stay with me. She has two cousins near to her age, though they don't live near by and she gets so excited to see them and cries when they leave which makes it worse for me. That said, I think this type of guilt is probably better than having another child for the wrong reasons and regretting it later.

PotPourri · 19/03/2008 21:19

Have another baby because it is truly wanted, don't do it for someone else (even your beloved DD).

Concentrate on enjoying your DD for now. Think about sibling rivalry, you feeling overwhelmed and guilty, jealousy from your DD. It's not all perfect having more - why do you think grandparents love it so much - they can give the child back when the going gets tough.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 21/03/2008 19:40

That's true, It's best to wait until me and my husband really want another. I want our next child if we have one to be as wanted as our daughter. At the moment I feel that she needs a lot of attention. I've got a new job and she goes to nursery.
I need to make sure it's the right decision for all of us.

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MNersanonymous · 21/03/2008 20:10

I really think that if it might require treatment for you to conceive you have to get to the point where you really really want another.
I did a second IVF cycle recently (it worked but then I had an early miscarriage) and frankly I wasn't desperate enough to get through it. I hated every minute of the treatment and although the m/c would have been worse if I were desperate for another I actually think the treatment would have been much easier.

If I could get pregnant easily and stay pregnant i might be keener to have another but like Bubblagirl, I am scared of feeling like our lovely family is missing a second child rather being grateful for the one I worried I might never have.

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