Is it unfair of me to deny my daughter the chance to have a sibling ?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, I have a 3 year old daughter and I'm not planning on another one for a while yet. My sister in law has recently had a baby boy and my daughter absoluitly loves him. She wants to hold him and kiss him all the time and when he's not there, she talks about him a lot. I always wanted a 6 year age gap so that it would be easier as my daughter would have settled in to primary school, and I would have plenty of guilt free time with the baby.
I just don't know if that is being selfish of me as Lucy would obviously love a little sibling, and leaving a big gap would meen that thay wouldn't have much in common. I know that I shouldn't have a baby just to please my daughter but at the same time don't want to deny her a sibling. I had treatment to concieve Lucy and would need it again, pluss my fertillity is decreasing. It's so hard to know what to do. The way I see it is that Lucy was such a longed for baby and now I have her I feel very content and wouldn't want a second baby to be any less longed for, as it wouldn't be fair. What would you do ?

MLL - stop thinking and planning and ifs and buts. Where children are concerned you can't control the future by planning, anyway. jealousy, sibling rivalry, sibling love, conception, all these things tend to go their own way.

If you feel like it in your bones, go for it, if not, don't...and if your bones give out a different feeling in a year ot two, go with the flow.

What Blu said, and it seems to me that playing with a cousin or other family or friends' babies is really good for your dd as well - she can have the advantages of playing with him without the drawbacks of sharing your attention etc.

My parents split up soon after I was born, and there's 2 years and 8 months between me and my dad's 2nd dd, I went round and played her once or twice a week until my dad's 2nd marriage broke up and his wife and kids moved to London. My mum's other children who I was in the same house as are nearly 8 and 11 years younger than me, and I was able to take little brother out to the cinema and stuff. Sometimes I feel out of place in relation to family things, but actually the problems often happen more on my dad's side of the family than my mum's.

If you'll need help and may face difficulties, best to do it when you're sure that's what you really want, I assume you're young enough to allow you to wait from your posts. Good luck whatever you do hope to do.

there is a 10 yr gap between dd and ds
dd always wanted a sibling but i had ds when i/dp wanted a baby - dd[13y] adores ds[3y] and vice-versa so i don't think age gaps matter - i know plenty of siblings close in age who fight like cat and dog and it seems like mega-stress.

totally agree with Blu's post.

There are so many variables in this equation that you could go mad thinking your way round it. If you want another, as Blu says in your bones, then go for it.

If not don't. And don't agonise about it. Many many only children are incredibly happy.

I feel I experienced both as was brought up with a sibling, and we were mega close; then he went off travelling when I was a teenager and I absolutely LOVED the time of being the only one at home, the extra attention was luxury

My own personal view is that children don't NEED siblings. they NEED loving parents/carers and siblings are an enrichment (or sometimes the opposite!) to that.

"My own personal view is that children don't NEED siblings. they NEED loving parents/carers " That is one of those 'benchmark' statements. Good call, HG.

oh thanks Blu

I do think that, all other things being equal, it's better for everyone to have more than one child. I have a 5 year age gap between my two , and they absolutely adore each other. I am so glad that they have each other. Our family feels complete with tow. I thought I was happy to have one, but I know know that the fact that I was even theoretically considering having another one means thatg I didn't feek my family was complete. I have never, even for a second, thought about having number 3!

Thing is with families, seeker, all other things are not often equal IYKWIM! The reasons you think it's better for everyone, just won't work with all families and all siblings. It's clearly better for you and yours, and that's great. But I am just wary of huge generalisations about this issue.

Most of the reasons I've read on here (company as children, having a shared childhood experience, being there for each other when the parents die) are all not applicable to many families for many different reasons.

I used to be constantly worrying about the fact that I have decided that my DS is going to be my one and only. I nearly kicked the bucket having him and had an awful time bonding. The first year was absolute hell! However, now I have made the decision (at least unless I have a lobotomy) I have been surprised by the reactions of other people. They always seem to ask if you are planning any others, and are surprised when I say no. I am one of four sisters and am incredibly close to all of them, so I know the value of the sibling relationship, but I am not going to be guilt tripped in to having another child. I have a happy, healthy and confident son who I absolutely adore. And he seems to like me too!

Thanks every one for your views. It's been really helpfull. It's a hard decission as I needed fertility treatment, I was extreamly ill during pregnancy and had depression too. All of this put's me off a bit. My daughter has a severe speech disorder which makes her need a lot of support.
I think I'll probubly have a big gap between them. I'm definatly not going to have another one until I'm 100% sure it's what my husband and I really want.
At the moment some days I do then I don't. I have to be sure, even if I end up missing the boat. I believe things have a way of working out for the best. (I hope !!!)

I am expecting my second chld in september and have one ds who will be 5 in June.

I am worried about how our family will cope wiht the new arrival but I also know it feels right (although the age gap was due to miscarriages and not planned)

My sister had 2 children within 17 months of each other and found it really hard, because my eldest nephew was a 27 week premmie and so effectively she had 2 babies to care for so my eldest nephew ended up being sent to a private day nursery 3 x a week because she just couldnt cope.

I dont think there is an "ideal" age gap and as the saying goes "we make plans and the gods laugh!" - you might get pregnant by accident or it might take you a long time to concieve another...who knows?

Good luck with your decision...