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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I'm beginning to think I've given birth to a really evil being

29 replies

Sparkler · 19/03/2008 17:18

DD1 (8) has just been horrid for months now and it's just getting worse.
I'm sure she's doing it just to get a reaction from me and I'm biting the bait.

For example. I picked her up from school today and she moaned because I told her she had to carry her ruck sack. As we walked up the road she kept nudging her DD2 (6) - ok so a bit of sibling rivalry.
Still walking along I told her she wasn't being very nice again and I told her that I didn't know if she was trying to get a reaction from me but I didn't like the way she was behaving. I told her I thought she was horrid. She answered me back by calling me an idiot and that she was going to hit me.
She wouldn't - she wouldn't get that far I can assure you!
She's always saying things are stupid, I ask her to do something to help and she answers "No!".
I'm just about holding it together at the moment but it's hard. I've hard to walk away so many times from her because I feel like slapping her so hard.
And people tell me it only gets worse.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

themildmanneredbunny · 19/03/2008 17:20

ok-she moaned about her bag and nudged her sister so you told her she was horrid?

i think you have over reacted massively and your relationship will only get worse if you say things like that to her.

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2008 17:23

She is only 8.

Are there any problems at school?

Is she very tired/hungry at the end of the school day?

Have you asked her teacher if she is ok at school?

Are there any worries/anxieties about friendship groups?

Is she getting enough sleep? - 11 hours a night minimum is what she needs.

Can you see any reason why she would be jealous of dd2 - I mean from her point of view, not yours.

Does any of that ring any bells?

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2008 17:27

TBH if I told my dd (9) that I thought she was horrid she would be devastated.

Perhaps you are both tired and fed up at the end of the day?

If she is hungry and tired, how about taking a snack for both of them that they can have when they come out of school?

Believe me, she will know exactly how you feel about her, even if you don't say so.

Do you hug her and tell her you love her at least twice every day?

dustyeastar · 19/03/2008 17:30

{{{hugs}}} sparkler

DD is a PITA at the moment as well. It gets very wearing doesn't it. Perhaps we could go out one day over the hols if the weather is ok.

dustyeastar · 19/03/2008 17:31

Get on MSN

HereComeTheGirls · 19/03/2008 19:23

Please please don't tell her she is horrid. Tell her she is behaving horribly, but you still love her. I understand it must be so hard for you. But my mum used to call me "disgusting" when she was annoyed with me and I still now, at age 36 have absolutely zero self esteem

KerryMum · 19/03/2008 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyJones · 19/03/2008 19:43

you see spitting at people is horrid, annoying your sister is what's to be expected

soapbox · 19/03/2008 19:47

Kerry - I think that is in an entirely different league, to what Sparkler described (which would pass for normal behaviour in my book).

Spitting at strangers is absolutely foul, and I hesitate to think of what I would do to a child of mine who behaved like that.

Original poster

Sparkler · 19/03/2008 19:49

Not carrying the rucksack and nudging her sister was just an example. I told her she was horrid because of the way she has been over the period of a few months. She starts as soon as she wakes up until the time she goes to bed and it happens every single day.
DH and I are very supportive parents and we always tell her how much we love her and love to praise her as much as we can, unfortunately her behaviour recently isn't leaving us much to praise her for right now and it really seems like she doesn't care.
All fine at school - teacher says she is doing well and she has made lots of friends.
Everyday I wake up telling myself I'm going to have a positive parenting day but it never lasts very long.

OP posts:

beansprout · 19/03/2008 19:51

Have you tried the How to Talk... stuff? You have my full sympathy, this sounds hard.

dustyeastar · 19/03/2008 19:51

MSN sparkler!

Janni · 19/03/2008 19:54

Sparkler - I have an 8 year old DS and I usually dread school pick-up as he's wound up and always does something to make his little sister scream. I've opted for a few afternoon nursery sessions for her to avoid having them together at this time of the day. The other day I told him I dread this part of the day - it made me feel horrible to say it, but interestingly, the following day he was an absolute angel and couldn't have been more helpful.

I find that expressing it in terms of 'I' rather than 'you' gives them some way of making things better. Where can she go with 'you're horrid', other than to be more horrid. Could you say something like 'I really like it when you...' or 'I would be so happy if you would'... or 'I'm feeling so tired today. Could you just...?' etc

But you have my sympathy !!

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 19:56

Sparkler - my DD is a demon child but she is especially demonic when she is hungry and she is always hungry straight after school. Mostly I miss it because I work but there have been occasions where I have been frankly shocked by the outbursts

Original poster

Sparkler · 19/03/2008 20:03

dusty - sorry msn not working for some reason

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2008 20:11

Even my 16 yr old is grumpy and rude sometimes when he comes in from school. I have learned to leave him in the kitchen until he has made himself a snack, then he is perfectly pleasant.

Perhaps it is hunger and tiredness. but at 8 she is old enough to understand how her behaviour is making you feel, and maybe talking it through will help.

Original poster

Sparkler · 19/03/2008 20:15

Thanks 3littlefrogs. Damn this parenting lark is hard.
I know I need to try and handle things differently. Why don't the pregnancy books warn you of this???

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2008 20:30

If the pregnancy books warned us, nobody would ever have children .

Seriously though, after 20 years, almost, of child rearing, I would say that it is useful to try to hang onto the fact that they are only children, and everything is a phase. They don't have the social conditioning that most of us develop by the time we reach adulthood, that stops us from just acting out exactly how we feel, wherever and whenever.

When you think about it, 8 years isn't really that long to get to grips with life's challenges. Hang in there - I am sure things will improve. Try to get enough sleep and food yourself - it will help you to cope.

Things that dd (9) loves to do with me include:

Having a pampering session - doing our hair and nails - (I used to let her do mine, then re-do it when she went to bed). I used to give her a nice back massage sometimes, put nice lotion her feet etc - we can have really good chats when we take a little time to do these things. One to one time with a parent is really, really important when you are the eldest and have a younger sibling. HTH

pevie · 19/03/2008 20:58

Could you break the cycle of her acting up, you reacting, by doing something totally unexpected one day, eg. when pick her up from school, go by yourself and tell her your both going for girly treat. Or use humour (I know its hard to keep one when they're being nightmares). I find my much younger child always responds to that. Also, accept that you've made mistakes but dont beat yourself up as that is only part of parenthood!!!!! I always find it quite irritating when people come over a bit mother earth about how we should talke to our youngsters. yes of course we should be positive with them but sometimes its hard!!!

frumpygrumpy · 19/03/2008 21:05

My DD1 sounds similar........

You could try humour and calling her bluff. So when she moans about the rucksack you would make light of it and laugh and say "oh come on, I'll carry your rucksack, its got bricks in it" then quickly change the subject onto a nicer thing.

Its hard. You have to make so much effort. Keep going, it is normal 8yr old behaviour though.

frumpygrumpy · 19/03/2008 21:06

oops, didn't notice pevie and her humour chat too!

Original poster

Sparkler · 19/03/2008 21:28

Thanks guys. Some fantastic suggestions. I think some one to one time with her is much needed. Oh no you've made me cry now. [sob]

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2008 22:48

Oh sparkler - don't cry. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all get by with just being an OK parent for most of the time, if we are lucky.

It is actually part of learning about life to realise that grown ups make mistakes and get sad/cross too. It is being able to come back together and make up that counts.

Original poster

Sparkler · 20/03/2008 17:32

I told DD I was sorry today for not being a very good mummy recently. Told her that I didn't think I handled things the right way and that I was sorry and would be trying harder. She actually told me that I called her horrid - and I didn't realise how much that would have sunk in to her . I told her she wasn't horrid and that I shouldn't have told her that as it wasn't true.
We had a huge cuddle afterwards and I'm going to make sure I do something really special just me and her in the school holidays.

OP posts:

TsarChasm · 20/03/2008 17:44

Aww you did right. And it is hard to know how to handle it all sometimes.

My dd is 9 and sometimes comes out of school in a terrible grumpy mood. I just give her a bit of space and a big hug when she's ready. I deliberately don't bite or get drawn into anything. She can be a bit snappy with the other dc too.

They get tired and antsy after a long day at school I guess.

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