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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

We have hit the terrible two's, please lord give me strenght to go as i just want to give up....

35 replies

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 10:35

Yes DD is in the tantruming, if i don't get my own way i am going to scream shout & hollow stage & it is literally driving me to a melt down.

She is a very very "high" maintanance child, head strong, determined & never gives up.

She is testing me to limits i just don't think i have & i honestly don't know how the hell i am going to get through it!

Probably the moral things but day to day life with her is one massive battle from the minute she wakes to the minute she goes to bed, then again in the middle of the night.

I am ashamed to say i am embarrassed by what my neighbours think because she just screams so loud even at 5.30am.

Like this morning take ds to school, hold hands with her to the school as she screams if i get the pushchair out, she then proceeds to sit & lie on the floor & won't walk because she thinks it's funny, i get down to her level tell her in a stern voice " if you don't walk you will have to go into the pushchair" i then pick her up she screams at the top of her lungs. i walk a bit & then tell her she can walk if she behaves & walks properly which she does for a bit then we repeat.

I would not dare go out to the shops or anything because she just screams, i need milk but am putting it off!

God i sound like a crap mum but i honestly keep thinking what the feck have i done, what the hell can i do to sort this & how much longer can i actually deal with this, she is making our family life utter misery, me dp rowing, me shouting at the kids all the time because she is totalyl stressing me out.

I feel like i am living in a nightmare & really just want to send dd away, sad i know but so true

What can i do?

OP posts:

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 10:43

Then she does sweet things like sits there playing & skiping around singing & i feel utterly shit & that i should not even be moaning about her

I do love her to pieces but am struggling!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 10:44

this too shall pass....

CatIsSleepy · 19/03/2008 10:47

oh it's horrible isn't it
lots of sympathy, you are not a crap mum
dd can be rather erm "challenging" at times too
but there are good days and bad days. Yesterday bad- lots of whingeing/shouting/non-cooperation when I was trying to get us both up and ready and out of the house in the morning...tbh was bloody glad to leave her with the childminder. Followed by more of the same in the evening when I collected her to the point where I shouted at her and burst into tears . Boy did I feel like a crap mum...
Much better today, like a different child.
Think you just have to grit your teeth and ride out the bad times, make the most of the good times. Am sure things will get better.

hattyyellow · 19/03/2008 10:47

You are not a crap mum. From my experience of the last 8 months of terrible twos with my twins - I'd say the number one thing you need to aim for is not giving her a reaction by staying calm. She is trying to see how far she can push the boundaries.

I still lose it regulary but I do try to count to 10, to ignore bad behaviour (silently picking child up and putting them struggling in car seat/pram etc).

Reward any good behaviour massively.

Distraction wherever possible. The tenth time you point out the tractor/car/cat might just work.

Carry out threats consistently, make her stay in the pram until you get home...

Am not an expert by a long stretch, I face this battle anew every day!

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 10:55

Thank you.

Yes out battles are EVERY day, there is no break & i notice espcially when we are out or anything to do with bed/bath.

I do all the distraction, i try to stay calm, sometimes find it hard though, especially lately i seem to be losing it more & more.

She screamed & screamed on sunday because she was in the shower & it was time to come out, she did not want to come out, she screamed thwo herself around & shouted at me, throwing things at me, i ignored & ignored in the end i put her in her room, sat on my bed & burst into tears from utter exhaustion of her, we go on ike this all day every day.

I know i can get through, well i think i can but sometimes it just feels like ti is never going to end!

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cestlavie · 19/03/2008 11:01

Similar situation here as well. The best advice I've heard (and tried to use) is to just give your stroppy little toddler two choices each time you're trying to do something, e.g. you can walk with mummy to the shops while holding her hand or you can go in your buggy, it's up to you.

I usually tell her to decide by the time I've counted to three and then do what I want to do and accept the screaming. Surprisingly, it does work more often than not. I think the key thing is to be absolutely consistent in delivering on your threat and as calm as possible whilst talking to them. If she won't hold your hand, she goes in the buggy all the way there.

Admittedly, this obviously doesn't work all the time, but where she's just being difficult for the hell of it (rather than absolutely not wanting to do something) it does work fairly well.

hattyyellow · 19/03/2008 11:15

We also do the two options thing and the counting as cestlavie suggests. "Do you want me to put your coat on or do you want to put your coat on?"

I count to 5 when they are screaming at the bottom of the stairs and I want them to go up for bath time and bizarrely it often works..(although I do feel like a hypnotist for some stupid reason "on my count, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, wake up!"). I don't know what they think will happen at the end of the count if they don't do it!

I also try my hardest to zone out, someone told me that they coped by thinking how ridiculous it was for an adult to be arguing and shouting with a child so tiny and it's true. Although it's very hard to switch off! I start thinking about what I'm going to cook that evening, or try and remember all my school friends birth dates or even telephone numbers! Bizarre but at least it switches me off from the situation and then I don't lose it!

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 11:37

Will start using some more of these ideas, i have tried the counting i say i will count to 3 i use this with ds is well but dd does not quite understand yet & when i say 1.. dd goes 2 & 3 lol

She has now gone for a much needed nap so hopefully she will wake up happer.

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Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 11:55

ooh yes - now I think of it I also do the choices between two things I don't mind him doing. ALso if he doesn;t want to get out of the bath I say "we're going to get out of the bath in 5 minutes and read your Thomas book" tehn again 1 minute before "in one minute we're going to read your Thomas book"

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 11:56

DS 2.3 al;so doesn;t understand counting (but he does understand "Thomas books"

blueshoes · 19/03/2008 12:31

ScoobyDoo, sympathies. Some children just push and push the limits, don't they. Dd also 'takes no prisoners', never did even as a baby - it is exhausting.

Everything hattyyellow said. I fear cestlavie's choices would work with dd as an exception, rather than the rule, even if dd were old enough to understand. She gets into an emotional maelstorm if she does not get her way. Choices would just bounce off.

Scooby, so sad you feel you want to send dd away. I presume you have easier children and are comparing. I have only known rottweilers and accept that as my lot.

At this age, you may have to do a bit more to organise to reduce the flashpoints. Arrange for a milk delivery or shop online. If she refuses to get dressed in the mornings, put her in the clothes she goes out in the previous night, instead of PJs. I'd just strap her into the pushchair kicking and screaming and walk briskly. Dd's baths went down from every other day to ... once a week!

I co-sleep with mine, just to get that cuddly feel with them ASLEEP.

They are really really sweet. This strong personality is fantastic for them (not parents) when they are older. I like spunky, I get spunky. I don't get placid or easygoing.

Jane68 · 19/03/2008 12:37

Same here, some days all I fel I do is tell her off, then I speak to other Mums and they say the same. Roll on the third birthday.

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 12:42

I'm told that 3 is worse!!!

blueshoes · 19/03/2008 12:48

dd is still challenging at 4.8! It is her personality. But she saves it for me and dh. She is easy as pie at school

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 12:59

Thanks everyone

Blushoes your Dd sounds like mine but my dd is 2.2 but looks at acta more like a 4 year old.

I do adore her & she does make my heart melt but there are times when i think i am going to explode & when i feel very frustrated with her & wish she was easier.

Ds is and was easier in the fact he does not & never has done tantrums he will just cry for 5 mins & be done with it, he was a challenge though from about 2.5 to 3.5 because he used to run away, so he was more challenging in that everywhere we went he just wanted to run away! Easy though as i could just strap him into the pushchair, he also loved shopping dd detests it lol

I do try things like shopping online & limit myself to going out but i do feel again frustrated that my life has become like this, this is probably the reason i am going back to part-time work & dd will go to nursery 2 mornings a week.

I try to let her walk like she wants to, she is fine walking into school its coming back out that she starts! (think she wants to stay too)

She gets up at 5.30-6am & starts shouting she wants a shower (yes a shower since we moved she is obsessive about the shower here) if you don't do it right away she throws herself on the floor screaming & shouting & this is just before you even open your eyes.

I wake up thinking "here we go again"

I don't think it helps i get absolutley no break from dd & am with her nearly 24/7 it just gets exhausting. I know the answer get dp to take her out but we are just rowing at the moment about everything he is just being a lazy arse at home !

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:09

I think working is an excelletn solution! I certainly have far more patient with DS now. Funnily his CM always tells me what an angel his is His is an angel he just has a mind of his own and feels safe to challenge me which I know is healthy. He has improved my negotiating skills no end though which work benefits from...

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 13:13

Oh yes it's like when my mum used to have dd so i could go shopping or something & she used to say she had been like a "dream" no problem at all she said, i just used to looked stunned & say are you talking about "my" dd?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 19/03/2008 13:26

Oh yes, scooby, go back to work. Work is my sanctuary. Work is my saviour. Kissing my pc now.

Funny these kids. Kew, so right about the cm. My dd and ds are angels at nursery as well. Though once in a while, their Other natures come through then the carer comes up to me all concerned and asks if there is anything up at home. I just smile to myself and think "you ain't seen nuthin' yet!" Scooby, their grandmother also won't have a bad word said about dd. She is a lamb of obedience when she is at grandma's.

I agree with Kew that it is a good thing they are easy with others and difficult with us. You wouldn't want it the other way round. Clearly the message about what is good behaviour is getting through on some level. I comfort myself that at least I am consistent with dd - when she pushes the buttons, I get shouty. Clear message there.

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:27

Ooh yes work is lovely - they pay for you to drink coffee while it still hot and go to hte toilet on your own. Whats not to like?

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 19/03/2008 14:05

Going to the toilet on your own that would be bliss i can't wait to get started now

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Acinonyx · 19/03/2008 17:11

Oh yes - my gentle dd turned into a screaming toddler last Dec. We used to bath her every day - but we're down to twice a week and it's my turn today shudder (hmmmm - maybe she's not that dirty...?).

No matter what you do - you can't stop all the tantrums and sometimes the clock is against you and you're DOOMED. I try to zone out and not throw toys around.

Jane68 · 19/03/2008 20:11

Jesus three is worse, anyone fancy a little girl, nearly new very cute but prone to being a hard faced madam, free to a good home.

LadySnotAlot · 19/03/2008 20:19

Oh god....sounds like your DD and mine are one and the same. To boot, my DS is 5 and so well behaved. I feel like he gets left out all the time because she takes up so much of my time being naughty. I'm at my wits end and about to hit the vino...

Acinonyx · 19/03/2008 20:31

I failed. DD was not bathed (hangs head in shame). I just could not face it.

fizzbuzz · 19/03/2008 21:09

My dd is like this and is only 20 mo .

I always try and ignore her, but she carries on for about 1/2 an hour, and as for distracting her.....pffff......total waste of time is far too single minded for that. I am exhausted as well. Last week she screamed for 3/4 an hour because I broke one of her crackers in 1/2 to make it easier for her to eat..........

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