help

[3NAB]

DD asked DS to help her tidy up.

DS hit DD

DD hit him back

I asked DS if he wanted to be hit by me - Yes he did

I told him it was wrong

I said I didn't want to be his mummy anymore and he has left the house

I have had enough

I can't do this any more

We are trying our best and nothing works

They just don't seem to care

Ds has just come back

DS gave DD a black eye last week

Ds is 7 on Wed

DD is 4 and 7 months

I know what I said was wrong but it is how I felt at he doesn't want me to love him anyway

Feel really depressed and would respectfully ask that you don't all have a go at what I said. I know I shouldn't have said it and I think it expresses how desperate I am.

The guy known as the horsewhisperer wrote a book (can't remember the name ) in which he explains how he has helped kids with real authority issues get over them. He is very strong on something he calls a contract. A bit like the star chart but much more formal and serious, but it works because the input is real. If I remember correctly it works like this.

When you are all settled you sit down with him to discuss your expectations of him as a member of a family. You find out from him what he would consider a fulfilling reward. This cannot be money or a toy. It has to be something he likes to do with either or both of you, his parents. You then write down a list (very short and specific for a 7 year old) of thing expected of him during the following week. These should be reasonable e.g. NO hitting or hurting of siblings. Immediate compliance to a set number of specific tasks, like pickin up the stuff on the sofa or floor or carpet when you ask... you decide. You choose these for each day, the same for each day. Not too many things. If he manages to fulfill this contract for a week, he gets the reward. And you MUST give the reward. This might be that he wants to go to the park with just one of you, or watch a specific video with you, or go swimming or play with a particular friend. But you cannot postpone or cancel a reward if he deserved it.(you can decide how lenient you want to be, but I think the idea is all or nothing). There is also a negative reward and this should also be agreed amongst you... no tv for an evening / no xxxxx you decide. Make it something that won't make life harder for yourself (as the no tv might do), but it must be something he values or it won't have an effect.

Explain to him about contracts. Then all three of you sign it. Put it up somewhere prominent and if he plays up remind him that he signed a contract. Tell his teacher about the contract and ask her help. If she shows interest and praises him for fulfilling his side of a contract he might show more willingness. (Most kids adore their teacher at that age and parents become very much second best... nothing to worry about there.)

I have a very cheeky dd2, who actually bullies her older sister. This system really worked with her.

Good luck. I really feel for you. I hope this helps.

i like that ff2, but would just stress that it would be important that you get him to agree to all the terms before he signs. if its under duress, he wont stick to it. he has to participate in the drawing up to feel properly a part of it.

sounds like a plan worth a go tbh.

Very definitely true that he should feel responsible and own the contract. That is why it is important to do when all feel happy I know this is the problem at the moment. It is really worth the try...even try by getting the teacher involved from the beginning?

Thank you fireflytoo

I have printed it out and I will talk about with DH before we talk to DS1.

I have shown him the star chart and said if he fills one column with he gets £1. He was very excited about that.

He keeps asking if he does x can he have a or says do I get a for this. Not sure if he should get them for asking for one?

well 3nab-the point of the hart is to replace all the negativity with positivty so if he justsays'can i have a star' then you remind they have to be earnt. BUT if he says' i have just tidied every inch of my room can i have one' and you think he's done a good job-then why not?[smuile]
so glad he seems excited by the idea-hope it helps.

I agree with trying the chart and try and praise him for the good things he does do. If you don't mind be being honest I'd say you are maybe treating him alot older than he is. He isn't even 7 yet and he's leaving the house of his own accord?

He went out of the house because of something I said and hid behind the bin. A few weeks ago he was in a really bad tmeper and ran off down the road twice. I had to leave the younger two to go after him. The key was swiftly removed after the first time but I still don't know how he got out the second time.