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Original poster

help

57 replies

3NAB · 16/03/2008 16:44

DD asked DS to help her tidy up.

DS hit DD

DD hit him back

I asked DS if he wanted to be hit by me - Yes he did

I told him it was wrong

I said I didn't want to be his mummy anymore and he has left the house

I have had enough

I can't do this any more

We are trying our best and nothing works

They just don't seem to care

Ds has just come back

DS gave DD a black eye last week

Ds is 7 on Wed

DD is 4 and 7 months

I know what I said was wrong but it is how I felt at he doesn't want me to love him anyway

Feel really depressed and would respectfully ask that you don't all have a go at what I said. I know I shouldn't have said it and I think it expresses how desperate I am.

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Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 18:13

kids in bed

will be separated tomorrow and then all will sleep on their own again

I was on here because I would rather let it out on here than to him

His dad was there too saying to tidy up

It is everything. He gets in this mood and just doens't know when to stop

The only thing that worries him is the thought of me telling his teacher and even then he said she wouldn't be there tmw so what could I do

Can't keep threatening that and fgs I am his mother and shoul dbe able to make my child behave.

He gives us very little to be positive about and when I do praise him up he doens't seem to be bothered and when I remind him of how good he was when, he tells me he likes being like this (naughty, etc)

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themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 18:18

nab how old is he again?

my ds is 8 and if i just say to him to tidy up then very little gets done. it's too big a concept.

if i say to him, 'right i need to you to pick up the books and put them on the bookshelf' or 'can you put the dirty washing in the basket?' it's much easier and i have to keep praising all the way.'brilliant-you're doing a good job of that' ' can you put those power rangers ibn the basket now?'
that kind of thing.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 18:20

Thanks BOT. Have emailed them. Hope it isn't expensive.

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camillathechicken · 16/03/2008 18:22

i know he might be a bit old for it, but i have found that a sticker chart is a really helpful visual tool for my DS when is just getting a bit too beyond things..

then he can see that he is gaining ground and positive stuff...

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 18:22

Labby, he already is.

TMMB He will be 7 on Wed. All there was to do was pick up half a dozen things on the lounge floor.

I have posted about this so many times and it isn't just about tidying. He just will not do as he is told nad just carried on regardless.

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themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 18:29

one of my friends does a reward chart type thing and one of the reasons for getting a star is doing what they are told first time.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 18:38

Hubby feels he is too old for a chart.

You know, I had such a crap childhood and here I am giving my kids a crap one too but in a totally different way.

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themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 18:40

7 is no way too old for a chart!!

tailor it to him-get him to help make it even!

don't put too many things on it and choose a treat for the end of the week that will be really positive. a trip out with just you or your dh to do something fun.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 18:42

I will put it on my job list for tomorrow.

Feels like having to bribe him to be good.

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poodlepusher · 16/03/2008 19:00

This may sound odd, but have you tried that technique where you hold the child tight to you, not aggressively - just hugging them but in a way that restrains them enough and they eventually relax into your arms.

I understand its a way of neutralising aggression / anger in the child and helps reconcile them with you in a positive way.

It certainly helps me with a much younger child but I have been told about it by a worker from Gt. Ormond St who dealt with violent early teens.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 19:01

I have tried that but he kicks and bites me.

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Labby · 16/03/2008 19:02

Sorry, Nab, I was not criticising when I said get off the pc and go and deal with him. I just meant, you needed to give him your full attention if you want him to do something he doesn't want to do. I can see you are at the end of your tether. You post here all you want!

OK, you say he is out of your control already. You have to change this way of thinking. I have experience of this. You have to tell yourself he is only 7, you are an adult and what you want you are damn well going to have. You have to believe this, and if you do, he will begin to see it too.

I don't know if a star chart would work with him but it has to be worth a go at least. Try not to threaten him too much. I really mean this. Somehow a threat is like a challenge to some children: they want to see if you will carry it out. And sometimes you get yourself into a hole when you threaten things you don't want to carry out.

Just state calmly what you want him to do, don't let him see you getting riled, and don't settle for anything less than you ask for.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 19:05

It is fine. I know I am on here too much. DS1 has told me that, in a cheeky way.

You are right. But what do I do when he just will not do whatever it is however many times I ask?

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Labby · 16/03/2008 19:08

Then you have to isolate him, I feel. There has to always be a consequence to his bad behaviour.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 19:09

I have tried time out. He spend the time calling to DS2 to get hi to do things, comes off the step/out of the room. Nothing works.

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foxythesnowman · 16/03/2008 19:10

FWIW a star chart works for us (usually). Its divided into sections, and its a star for each (eating properly, getting dressed, being ready to go, no hurting etc). If they don't, its a sad face. 4 sad faces in a week and its no treat (the boys get a packet of football trading cards on a Saturday). Helps that they are competitive too. DS1 is 6.5.

I suppose it is bribing. Or its setting very specific boundries and rewarding. Depends on how you look at it really.

Also ask if there is any support at your GPs. Ours has someone who specialises in childrens behaviour. I went to see her and it really helped me.

HTH.

Labby · 16/03/2008 19:12

Poor you. You are really struggling with him, aren't you?

I wish I wasn't posting under this silly false name as I am a regular Mner and if I was in my normal guise, I could give away a bit more about myself to help you.

Are you and dh united in the way you deal with ds? That is another important thing to get right.

themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 19:33

without wishing to be critical in any way nab, you seem really negative about him.
you don't want to do a star chart because you don't want to have to bribe him.

it's not bribing him-it's letting him know that behaving well is worth while.what's wrong with that?

children don't behave well just because they are little angels who like to be good for good sake.

they behave because they have learnt that it pleases their parents and makes things good.that nice things happen when are good.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 19:59

I am well aware that I am failing big time as a mother as I just don't know how to do it.

I was brought up in care and spend too much time worryig about doing the right thing that I can't just get on and do what I feel is best. I also seem to have lost all instincts and confidence.

I guess I am just expecting them to behave because I want them too.

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themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 20:01

as i said they don't behave just because you want them too.

Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 20:01

foxy - did you buy your chart or make it?

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Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 20:10

Okay. Chart made and pinned up ready for the morning.

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Original poster
3NAB · 16/03/2008 20:11

I am off for a bath but thanks all for your ideas and for not being hard on me.

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themildmanneredbunny · 16/03/2008 20:16

goodnight-god bless-hope tomorrow is better

BoysOnToast · 16/03/2008 21:06

aw nab, instincts are good... but we are not born hardwired to know how to do all this stuff. stop beating yoursefl up for not knowing stuff you have no reason to know... you are doing your best, and seeking help with what you dont know. what more can you do? try to be kind to yourself too - you want the best for them and are trying your best to do that. and you will continue to try... thats the best any of us can do.
sleep tight, rest up. tomorrows a brand new day. you'll need your strength