Ho do you deal with hitting?

[oregonianabroad]

DS1(nearly 3) is currently experimenting with hitting (mostly me and ds2 1yo). I am going demented with frusteration, since this has been going on since ds2 was born, so quite obviously linked to feelings of jealousy and frusteration.

Various approaches have caused a temporary halt, but it seems to be reaching new-found heights. At the moment, I am re-iterating that hitting is not OK, and if he doesn't calm down, I remove him from the situation and have a time out (with him, but no eye-contact). Invariably, this only escalates a bad situation. I have also tried time out alone (he escapes); telling him I love him and don't want him to hurt me (sometimes gets through); shouting (not the best model but I have lost it on occasion); I have even smacked him (utter hypocrisy, haven't done it for a long time); I talk to him about why hitting is not OK at quiet times; we have used role-play, have re-directed him to hit a cushion, etc...etc...

For those of you with similar problems, how do you deal with it? How long did this go on? Is it normal for toddlers to be this aggressive (he can get really wound up and gets this totally angry face that actually is a bit scary). It would be nice to know that others are haivng similar problems, and that he will grow out of it sooner rather than later!

If removing him isn't working how about removing yourself and DS2?

Take yourselves off to do something he would enjoy, in another room, and don't say anything much. A simple 'Oh, are you in a hitting mood again? We'll leave you to it then' and walking away should suffice.

When he comes into you, which he will tell him he can join in if he has come out of his mood. If it doesn't work that way when he comes in try saying he cannot join in as you can't be sure he won't hit and you don't want to get hurt.

Do you spend much time with him one-on-one? I agree it is probably jealousy, but that is combined with his age, where they all have this surge of anger they don't understand. If you can see triggers before it happens go in and make a fuss of him, also at any point in the day when you possibly can, spend a couple of minutes with him whilst ignoring the younger one.

I like your ideas VS, especially the 'hitting mood'.

Often, he acts like this just at the end of one-to-one time with me; e.g. today, we had been working on an art project for about a half hour while ds2 was napping, when it came time to tidy up, he went a bit nutty. perhaps some warning might have helped.

My DD (3.4) occasionally hits me.

If she does, I immediately tell her that she mustn't hit me, ask her to say "Sorry Mummy" and, if she hesitates/refuses, tell her that we are going home/she is going to her room immediately.

So far, it works every time and she says sorry and is repentant.

I think it's easier to deal with when there is only one child tbh Anna, the jealousy isn't there then, just the urge iyswim.

There are three children in this family...

Yes, but aren't the other two a lot older, and don't actually live with you, so less likely to cause the same jealousy as a one year old could do to an almost three year old.

Hey, you are presuming a lot here

I don't think that you can say that one or other sibling scenario is easier or harder IMO. There is an awful lot of potential for jealousy and rivalry with stepfamilies. Which you will no doubt find out about pretty soon

Oh, I agree totally, I just think it's a different scenario completely for a child to have her step-brothers either at school or at their mothers compared with a child to have to share every minute of the day with a younger sibling.

Plus the one year old isn't old enough to stand his ground as such whereas your step-sons are.

I think if DD and DS were fighting I would probably handle it differently to DS hitting a one year old iyswim.

i have 2 dd's (hence the name ) dd1 is 3.1 and dd2 7months. unfortunately dd1 went through a 6 month phase of hitting (has been much better the past month).

hitting (or hurting someone intentionally) is an immediate time out with us - as it is when she goes to childminder. nearly everything else is a warning then time out. she's old enough to understand this and know the consequences.

it's interesting as if another child hits her she immediately screams blue murder!

we have mummy and dd1 days/mornings at least once a week. at nighttime dp and i put one of them to bed and alternate it so that we each spend time with them - reading/bathing etc.

oh - and if she continues to do it after a time out - then next time it's a time-out wiht a favourite toy put away till we think she's been good enough (thank goodness i've got a spare room).

From my daughter's perspective her brothers live here and are a fully integrated part of her life . They are in our lives every single day of the year bar the 2 days every other weekend when they are with their mother, and the 5 weeks holiday a year they spend with her.

On the rivalry thing, for example, if we are going round the supermarket just the two of us she will ask me whether she can have a pot of Nutella - and specify that it is for her and not for her brothers. Stepsiblings can be very territorial, because the boundaries change frequently in ways that are beyond their understanding and control. So lots of potential for jealousy.

It's still a different form of jealousy though, is it not?
She gets that one-on-one time with you just as a sibling would if the others were at school (as in my current scenario) so there isn't a constant battle of getting your attention.

Well, all our children get plenty of one-on-one time with parents - my daughter with me, and her brothers with my partner (though not with their mother ). Which is exactly what you are supposed to do in order to prevent jealousy.

In the case of the OP, maybe the answer is to try to spend more one-on-one time with her DS1?

Hi there

I have DS1 (exactly 2.0 today) and DD (9.5 mo) and he is finding real joy in hitting her. Drives me demented also! I could've written your post actually !

I feel so torn because I know he is only doing it to get attention - and I must give some kind of attention even if just doing a time out, because ignoring it puts DD at risk of head injury!

A knowledgeable babysitter friend I have recommended I make a concerted effort to spend more 1-1 time with him, put together a 'quiet time' box of special toys which we would play with together, just me and him, whilst DD is away or napping. I must say he enjoys this immensely and it obviously addresses the root cause.

However - my prob is that DS' appetite for attention seems bloody limitless!!! If anything he just wants more time, and as a result hits DD more. GRRRRRRR. I am full time SAHM so fortunately I can do a lot with him, but practically speaking it often must involve household chores and/or DD. Which I guess isn't "good enough."!

Watching hopefully for more advice.

Thanks for the replies. Like LilQuid and others, I spend as much 1:1 time as humanly possible with DS1; he gets a ton of attention, so I don't honestly think this is the issue.

More than advice (which is gratefully received), I am looking for reassurance that this is something others are dealing with and that it won't last forever. I am also curious to see the extent to which people feel that time-outs work in these circumstances??

Because I don't see that time-outs are having an efect at all, there seems to be no reduction/remorse; and yet I feel that hitting is serious enough that it must be dealt with by a negative consequence?

I have had similar experience with DD. She has always been pretty spirited and tried to vent her frustration with biting, kicking and hitting. I have always found it pretty hard to deal with this behaviour on 2 levels -

a) why does she have to be so extreme, is it me, am I getting it so wrong? and
b) when will I find the solution?

but I/we have definitely turned some corners.

Time-outs either on her own or with me have not achieved anything with my DD. I too have tried shouting when my own frustration with it has stressed me too much and of course it does not work but I knew that before I shouted. Also sometimes given a gentle smack when I have been given a kick or a hit - again when I haven't been able to control my stress levels AND to experiment with it (write that with horror as it IS totally against my maternal instinct) but also OF COURSE does not work, just makes her general behaviour ten a hundred times worse! Negative consequences have not worked either and I don't follow that route at all either anymore. I really am not a follower in anything I do but feel I have been sucked into what my mum, some parenting books I have read and what friends were doing with their children regarding time-outs and negative consequences. Again these practices are against my instincts but I tried them anyway.

I found that quickly saying 'no don't hit me, always tell me you're not happy about xyz instead', and then just being understanding about it has been our key. I think encouraging her to verbalise herself is swapped then for the hitting (picture a 2 year old sobbing 'I'm not happy 'bout that mummy'). And then a 'I understand,[insert quick sincere explanation here!], come here for a cuddle' from me. Now she is not especially cuddly at all and I am amazed at how often she takes me up on it and just sidles over and comes for a cuddle to calm herself down. Sometimes she doesn't though and just sits by herself for a little while before forgetting it all. And this is also, like your DS, after getting really wound up. She has also recently been really angry and shown me some pretty angry faces that have scared me too. A horrible feeling that I have is that she is simple mirroring a face that I have shown to her.

DD has also turned 3 recently too - another reason for a corner turned - I don't know.

I understand your frustration as this kind of behaviour is hard to deal with. You do feel like you need to tackle it in more of an extreme kind of way as you see it as extreme behaviour. But I guess that children just show their frustrations in different ways. Maybe a positive outlook on it is that at least we can VERY CLEARLY see their frustrations and deal with them right away. Maybe we will never have to tease their difficulties and problems out of them.

Another thing I've just thought is that more exercise has definitely helped. Maybe your DS is similar to my DD in that she is very, very physical and needs that injection of feel good hormone that exercise gives you (don't know where she gets that from .) and of course that wiped out feeling .

Hope this makes sense and that it helps.

Thanks, Brazilnut. I've only just seen your post, sorry; it's really very helpful.

Things were better over the weekend as we had tons to do. It does seem to help if I can get him out of the house and tire him out.

hi everyone

i came to Talk to find some other mums who have had to deal with hitting / biting! My dd just turned two. she is coming out of a biting phase and now only very very occasionally bites. We just kept saying to her No and tried to catch her face before the jaws sunk in, saying no biting! it seemed to have worked but i think that was a lot easier to deal with becasue part of the reason for biting was itchy gums and partly experimental (she was younger then).

This new thing seems harder to resolve. She is that much bigger now and well into her terrible twos. She would often shout I dont want mama! and then raise her hand to hit me. She also screams if strangers approached her and then try to hit them in defense.

She is my only child so it's not jealousy. I will try to see in the coming week if it increases with boredom...

Like a lot of you i have shouted back and smacked out of frustration, and acknowledge that it's not a clever thing to do.

I have not tried time out though. any other views on this?

I have tried to tell her that it makes me sad but i dont know if it registers so much at this age.

i try to practice attachment parenting principles though i have to say it's not been easy and i have had many regretful situations...

Hi Sashamama.

Wish I had some advice for you, but as you can see, I am still trying to work through this one and we are one whole year on from when it started; although I have to say, it has had peaks and valleys, and it does seem that he is more able to control himself now.

we have just finished making a poster/reward chart, which I have never tried before due to reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, but we've decided we have to try something new, and I know he is really hankering after a new iron, so I though I would make him have to work for it. It seemed that he at least enjoyed the poster-making part, so fingers crossed that we'll have a better week and he can get his new toy!

Hopefully some others will be on with some words of wisdom soon!

And two other books I would recommend for you are How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk; and The Happiest Toddler on the Block (really good for younger monsterinos).

Good Luck.

Hi Sashamama.

Wish I had some advice for you, but as you can see, I am still trying to work through this one and we are one whole year on from when it started; although I have to say, it has had peaks and valleys, and it does seem that he is more able to control himself now.

we have just finished making a poster/reward chart, which I have never tried before due to reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, but we've decided we have to try something new, and I know he is really hankering after a new iron, so I though I would make him have to work for it. It seemed that he at least enjoyed the poster-making part, so fingers crossed that we'll have a better week and he can get his new toy!

Hopefully some others will be on with some words of wisdom soon!

And two other books I would recommend for you are How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk; and The Happiest Toddler on the Block (really good for younger monsterinos).

Good Luck.

thanks oregonianabroad!

i will look out for those books at my bookstore!

bumping this to see if anyone else has any thoughts??

Hello,

I've also had to deal with tantrums. What brazilnutsyum said was like a breath of freshair to me. All the books say to put your child in a room and leave them alone. this never worked for us. She would just keep coming out, screaming and hitting me all the while. I think that trying to listen to your child may be better - they are trying to communicate - even though it is a terrible way, and it is even more frustrating for them if we don't listen. I have tried taking to her through a puppet, and this actually helped. Things are best at the times when I am not stressed. I also feel that the omega 3 has worked. I did post a message yesterday - maybe it got wiped because I mentioned the brand name of the omega 3's? I mentioned the brand name because it had been in the papers as being the one with the least contaminants in it.

I find that only someone who's child had tantrums can really understand - to other people the solutions seem so simple. Someone said to me once "and you let her get away with it?"

I too could have written this post. DS1 is three next month and has turned into a monster. I think it is partly triggered by the fact that DS2 has started to crawl and is into all of his stuff. I'm also in the process of goign back to work and we've just sold our house and will be moving soon.

Time out does not work for us. He gets so angry and then can't calm down. I've tried talking to him, ignoring him, cuddling him, nothing works. He screams and kicks and hits and shouts at me. Yesterday he said he doesn't want me in the house - its his and daddy's house and he wants me to leave it and run away forever. He even kicks and hits me if he cries out in the night and I go in to comfort him.

So fed up with being the bad guy. I shall be watching this post with interest for tips since this is starting to get me down.