Ho do you deal with hitting?

[oregonianabroad]

DS1(nearly 3) is currently experimenting with hitting (mostly me and ds2 1yo). I am going demented with frusteration, since this has been going on since ds2 was born, so quite obviously linked to feelings of jealousy and frusteration.

Various approaches have caused a temporary halt, but it seems to be reaching new-found heights. At the moment, I am re-iterating that hitting is not OK, and if he doesn't calm down, I remove him from the situation and have a time out (with him, but no eye-contact). Invariably, this only escalates a bad situation. I have also tried time out alone (he escapes); telling him I love him and don't want him to hurt me (sometimes gets through); shouting (not the best model but I have lost it on occasion); I have even smacked him (utter hypocrisy, haven't done it for a long time); I talk to him about why hitting is not OK at quiet times; we have used role-play, have re-directed him to hit a cushion, etc...etc...

For those of you with similar problems, how do you deal with it? How long did this go on? Is it normal for toddlers to be this aggressive (he can get really wound up and gets this totally angry face that actually is a bit scary). It would be nice to know that others are haivng similar problems, and that he will grow out of it sooner rather than later!

Fluffy,
Can you give more info about the Omega3 (you don't have to give the brand name tho, just be cagey)? I didn't know that it had an effect on behaviour.

Sparkleymummy,
Sorry you're having a hard time too -- this sounds very much like our house, and I agree with you that there are certain triggers, change and stress being the biggest.

One thing that has been helping is the posters we have made and constant repetition of 'we don't hurt'. This morning he got up and told me, 'I don't hit anymore mommy.' and it was actually true: I can't remember the last time he was hitting. However, there is red paint all over the house about waist-high, and he is still doing other really destructive/naughty things.

Hi

this post is relevant to me right now and I am reading it with interest. I too have posted about aggressive behaviour. This post seems more active so I thought that I would ask one of my questions on here.

Does anyone know of a book for young children that encourages them to use empathy, very difficult I know because they are so young?

I don't have any answers but it's really comforting to read this thread and realise that there are other mothers dealing with the same thing so thought I would add to this thread for solidarity's sake!

DD is two and a half and has been quite challenging since DS came along 4 months ago. She shouts, hits and also bites occasionally. It's definitely a jealousy thing as she seems to behave really well in situations where I, or DS, are not around.

I find the 'disinterested' strategy - already mentioned - often works for us. When DD is getting worked up, I just walk away (as long as DS is out of harms way) and tell her I'm not interested in talking to her while she's in that sort of mood. As the books say, it kind of takes the wind out their sails if there's no audience and, if nothing else, feels a lot more dignified than getting into a shouting match or smacking which I'll admit has happened on occasion.

I also try to make as much one-to-one time as I can. Luckily, my parents live close by and are happy to have DS for odd afternoons so I can go off with DD by myself and I also try and do stuff with her when DS is napping. I have tried time-out but with limited success. DD seems to think it's a bit of a game and keeps trying to escape which winds me up more so it's really only something we use when I'm feeling especially determined.

On the book front, I have found Toddler Taming helfpful in understanding what goes on in toddlers' minds although it was less useful in how to deal with the aggressive behaviour.

Fluffy - like Oregonian I would also be interested in more info on the Omega 3 thing.

I will be watching this thread with eager anticipation ...

Find the something he loves and threaten to withdraw it if he does it again or doesn't show remorse
For my ds it's not having ice cream after dinner that seems to hurt the most. A friend of mine threatens removal of Mr.Tumble video!
So if he goes to hit you say something like
"don't you hit me - if you do there'll be no ice cream tonight after dinner"

If he hits you before you see him about to do it then say something like" that was very naughty and you've hurt me - please say sorry" When he doesn't say "If you don't say sorry then there'll be no ice cream tonight"

And then make sure you follow through. Seems to work with my ds
Good luck - I'm sure this phase must get better!!!

Oh.
My.
God.

Today my beautiful ds2 turned 1, and my darling ds1 turned into SATAN PERSONIFIED.

(Hope I am not offending anyone religious, am too tired to think of another name).

I am so knackered it's not even true.

Hello,

Some studies have been done that have shown that the omega three improves behaviour. It also has improved grades at school. I really believe in it. One of the studies compared children given it in one dose a day, to children given it in two doses. The chidlren given it in two doses had an even greater improvement. The one I get use is not cheap, It was recomended in 'What's the alternative' in one of the sunday papers. It apparantly has the lowest level of contaminants. It's name is that of a person who lives in an igloo.

I have a lot of trouble remembering to give both doses.

Thank you for that, Fluffy, I'm off to do some research -- please post links to articles you have found helpful if you can, I would really appreciate it.

We are also experimenting with limiting sugar. Not that he ever had a huge amount, but we are now being extra vigilant and trying to really cut back 'hidden' sugar in say, beans on toast for example.

He has been much better today but I very much doubt it has anything to do with the reduction in sugar and more to do with the fact that it was not his little brother's birthday, and he also got to go to soft play.

O...Moon,
Are you looking for something to read to your children or for grown ups?

Just realised thread title is 'ho' rather than 'how', and there are numerous spelling mistakes in my posts. oops.

Anyway, just wanted to post that ds1 has been simply wonderful today. Last night he smacked me on the face as I was carrying him in from his bath, and I said very quietly and sorrowfully that I wouldn't read to him since he had hit me, even though that was my favourite part of the day, because I had to make him understand how important it was that he stopped hitting.

Today, he has been just great; not only no hitting, but also very calm and helpful and fun.

We have been talking it over and come to 2 conclusions: 1. We have all been more stressed recently than we were even aware (big deadlines at work, etc) and this was undoubtedly having an effect, as now we have finally had the long weekend to chill out, we are all feeling better. 2. Reducing/monitoring his sugar intake has definitely had an effect as well.

Still interested to hear from others dealing with this issue.

DS1 also 3 and DS2 also 1.
DS1 keeps hitting me and ds2. We have zero tolerance. One hit and he is in the naughty room.
While he is in the naughty room I try to work out what might have made him hit his brother - often ds2 has taken a toy or even tried to join in with something ds1 was doing, and ds1 has taken offence.
It does work as the day goes on, when he get him he knows that he has been put there for hitting, and says sorry and does cuddles but still does it again later. Then he wakes up the next day and it starts all over again.
Still, like teething, weaning, potty training etc its just another phase and as long as I am consistent with the discipline I expect it to pass like all the other phases.

Is the naughty room his own bedroom or somewhere else in your house?

We grab her arm and tell her very sternly that this is naughty and she must apologise now. It is slowly sinking in, she is about the same age as yours. All instances are dealt with this way.

My dd is 3 tomorrow and we went through the whole hitting thing. We found that putting her in 2 minutes time out in her old cot immediately (without the usual once nicely, once firmly warnings for other stuff) for hitting worked quickly but as with most things, you have to be consistent. She quickly realised this was more serious so our reaction was more serious. She screamed and shouted for the whole time but stayed put because she has never been one to climb out of her cot. At the end, she'd say sorry and we'd explain why she had been put in her cot. Then we had a cuddle and got on with the rest of the day. This approach may not be everyone's cup of tea but it worked for us and made hitting a short phase.

Er actually its the naughty poorch...
But it sounds a bit grim if you don't know our house so I said the naughty room!
We are in a two up two down, used to do naughty stair but his brother would come and giggle at him, and the stairs give access to the whole house as they go up the middle not off a hallway.
So we use the little poorch which is part of the lounge. Works a treat too as there are blinds on the windows which we shut while he is in there, and there's nothing in it for him to play with and no way of escaping to other parts of the house unlike the stairs.
You just have to use whatever corner or part of the house restricts his behaviour.
Mind you we put ds2 in there for the first time last night (also for hitting) and we thought he was quiet - was indulging in his favourite hobby of trying wellies on!

I have the same problem of escaping when he's in time out -- he can easily get out of his cot, and the stairs don't work either.

Having said that, we have had a couple fo really good days in a row, he has been much tamer and easier to get along with generally, and also no hitting since the other night(hooray!).

Toy confiscation worked for us DS with when he was 2 1/2, once the train set and lego had been taken away a couple of times the biting stopped.

SparkleyMummy - I really feel for you. Sounds like he is just testing your love though? I think you just have to grit your teeth to get through it and remember that you are no.1 in his world no matter what he says or acts. It's really hard not to take it personally and believe he means it though.

Oregonianabroad - My DD has been on omega fish oil for about 4 months now. After 5 weeks I noticed improvement in attention span - DD could actually sit still for more than one minute and she started to pull out books from the book shelf to bring to me, something she's never ever done. Our brand is the one that sells them in strawberry capsules from Boots. There has been a 3 for 2 offer since we've been buying them. We need to be vigilant too for sugar and preservatives. There is a low salt and sugar can of beans you can buy which means we can still have beans on toast . A slice of toast with jam on it makes her jump around non-stop like tigger for an hour .

I do think though that my change of approach in dealing with her aggressiveness rather than the fish oil is what has made the difference though. If I were still threatening her with removal of toys or putting her in a room on her own I'm sure nothing would have changed.

Have you tried time out with your DS by the way? I sometimes have a 'calm down time' with DD upstairs on her bed which does help especially when I have to remove her from a situation (e.g. last week she aggressively pulled her friend backwards off a wheely bug so that she could just get passed her.) We almost have to have a minute in silence so that I know I've got her attention and then explain in a calm way and ask her to apologize. I know some people on here will think that's too softly softly but anything more and I've got an aggressive LO on my hands probably for the rest of the day. Time out on her own makes her absolutely crazed & then she will listen to nothing.

fluffycauliflower - i know what you mean about what other people say. My mum always says 'she needs a smack on the bottom' and 'don't let her have the last word' and a friend saying 'remember you're the boss'. Ummm thanks, that helps! Our children need to know that we care and that we are listening. I think that the more my DD has seen me staying calm in the eye of the storm and listening to her rather than sending her away the better she's become.

I was speaking to my DD the other day through one of her toys and I could see it helping too. I'm reading a book called playful parenting at the moment which has some good ideas like this. I can recommend it for just dealing with issues with a playful angle. I have felt that over the last year I've lost my sense of humour and the book has reminded me to find it again.

Oregonianabroad - i realise i have just asked you if you have tried time out with your DS but I shouldn't have said it like that - I really don't mean it should be time out in the way that most people mean in the 'time-out' term. Oh i'm tired, i'm going to bed .

last thing - how did the reward chart work out? are you going to continue to do it?

Hello Ladies, I have experienced the same situation with my very feisty almost 5 year old who experiences all of her emotions very full on, when she is in a rage (better out than in I think, if you are angry it isnt good to squash it down, she just hasnt learnt a good way of venting it yet) she has a tendency to lash out at me. Time outs, reflection corners, go to your room and those kind of things just dont work with her, nor do removal of treats or toys, she is one very determined young lady. However, removing myself and calmly telling her that when she is in a better mood to come and see me then and leaving her to it (and of course telling her hurting someone else is never acceptable) leaves her to let off steam and get it out of her system and then she comes and finds me when she has calmed down. So far working well. For those of you with Toddlers, read Harvey Karps 'The happiest toddler on the block' he gives a brilliant way to deal with tantrumming toddlers which used to work with my little one (you might get a few raised eyebrows from others but that is down to their inhibitions not yours!) The first time I tried his method when my daughter was in full tantrum flow when she was about 2, which would normally have gone on for at least 15 mins, she stopped in her tracks after about 10 seconds and looked at me wide eyed and then was skipping out of the shop with me in minutes, laughing and happy. It was a miracle to behold!
Also for you mums, go to Gary Craigs website www.emofree.com where you can download a free manual on how to use EFT (emotional freedom technique). I am a practitioner but before I qualified I worked from this free manual and got brilliant results. You tap on your meridian points (easily learnt in 10 mins) and when my daughter is creating merry hell I first tap on myself for being about to blow my fuse and then I surrogate tap on me (for her) for how she is feeling eg Even though I am feeling really mad and just looking at my mummy is making me angry, that kind of thing. Try it, it works! Good luck. You are all fabulous mums out there and guaranteed once we have solved one problem the little critters find another one to challenge us with, it's their way of stopping us getting dementia because we have to keep our minds active and on the ball .

Message withdrawn

hi there you are not the only one oregonb, i know it's really upsetting when your child hits you. my son has a lot of energy and if there's not something happening all the time he gets bored, angry and unable to deal with his feelings then starts being nasty. he is 4 1/2 now and has always had a temper from an early age, i find it really tough at times to the point where i feel utterly demoralised. i have to say to myself he doesnt have the skills yet to control frustration, i mean its still a challenge for me at times! i do ask him to tell me how he feels before he hurts anyone, but he has'nt mastered it yet. the comments made by victoriansqualer(cool name by the way) are pretty good, removing yourself to do something interesting and leave them to come to their own realisation that hitting moods aren't actually enjoyable. also brazilnutsyum has a very valid point about exercise and feeling good. it's not always possible to get out, as housechores can be endless, but i guess regular meal times and plenty of exercise/fresh air does help. I usually put on some music and he slips out of his mood, then have a little talk, he does like that. Discipline is a tricky area,he doesn't always stay in his room and i have to threaten him with not doing something if he continues or he has to stay in room longer,or toy taken for a while, sometimes i count to three, this works as he has time to think and do it. sometimes he doesnt care and i think, what am i to do! i know that there is a lot of power in my voice and if i say sternly (not shout)that i'm not happy about something, it is usually respected. making bargains can feel silly sometimes. i think less discussion and quick response, time out then talk and move on, works well. As a society we spend a lot of time trying to please and be our kids 'friends'. we feel we must entertain them,they are bombarded by 'stuff' toys/games/advertising.. TV is very handy at times, but ultimately doesn't decrease boredom. As a child i spent many happy hours entertaining myself, making mud pots, creating gardens from weeds, kids were able to explore their own imaginations. It must be mentally tiring all this consumption, the simple things in life have been replaced. kids are now demanding, they expect it. There isn't the same freedom or family/neighbour support network there was. I read somewhere, that in some cultures/tribes the uncles and aunts discipline the children, it makes sense and does work! every home should have one! my kid is a real jeckyll and hyde, his moods are like the wind,a loving angel to a demonic little tyrant! it does help to know others experiencing the same, my neighbour and i spoke about our sons and his sounded just like mine! moody, grumpy, and aggressive, each day i wonder how it will go and do my best to make it enjoyable. some days are good, some bad, this morning was bad, been thinking about sending him to sunday school, i must be getting desperate! talking about feelings is only possible once he calms down, i have to give him time out. bit long winded hope it helps,youre not alone!

hi there you are not the only one oregonb, i know it's really upsetting when your child hits you. my son has a lot of energy and if there's not something happening all the time he gets bored, angry and unable to deal with his feelings then starts being nasty. he is 4 1/2 now and has always had a temper from an early age, i find it really tough at times to the point where i feel utterly demoralised. i have to say to myself he doesnt have the skills yet to control frustration, i mean its still a challenge for me at times! i do ask him to tell me how he feels before he hurts anyone, but he has'nt mastered it yet. the comments made by victoriansqualer(cool name by the way) are pretty good, removing yourself to do something interesting and leave them to come to their own realisation that hitting moods aren't actually enjoyable. also brazilnutsyum has a very valid point about exercise and feeling good. it's not always possible to get out, as housechores can be endless, but i guess regular meal times and plenty of exercise/fresh air does help. I usually put on some music and he slips out of his mood, then have a little talk, he does like that. Discipline is a tricky area,he doesn't always stay in his room and i have to threaten him with not doing something if he continues or he has to stay in room longer,or toy taken for a while, sometimes i count to three, this works as he has time to think and do it. sometimes he doesnt care and i think, what am i to do! i know that there is a lot of power in my voice and if i say sternly (not shout)that i'm not happy about something, it is usually respected. making bargains can feel silly sometimes. i think less discussion and quick response, time out then talk and move on, works well. As a society we spend a lot of time trying to please and be our kids 'friends'. we feel we must entertain them,they are bombarded by 'stuff' toys/games/advertising.. TV is very handy at times, but ultimately doesn't decrease boredom. As a child i spent many happy hours entertaining myself, making mud pots, creating gardens from weeds, kids were able to explore their own imaginations. It must be mentally tiring all this consumption, the simple things in life have been replaced. kids are now demanding, they expect it. There isn't the same freedom or family/neighbour support network there was. I read somewhere, that in some cultures/tribes the uncles and aunts discipline the children, it makes sense and does work! every home should have one! my kid is a real jeckyll and hyde, his moods are like the wind,a loving angel to a demonic little tyrant! it does help to know others experiencing the same, my neighbour and i spoke about our sons and his sounded just like mine! moody, grumpy, and aggressive, each day i wonder how it will go and do my best to make it enjoyable. some days are good, some bad, this morning was bad, been thinking about sending him to sunday school, i must be getting desperate! talking about feelings is only possible once he calms down, i have to give him time out. bit long winded hope it helps,youre not alone!

oops! sorry folks (hmm)

bebopallula - my dd is a hyper 3 year old, so you're right, no discussion in the heat of the moment. But she does listen to an quick explanation and seems satisfied as long it makes sense. There's no pulling the wool over my gal's eyes. I think the listening bit on her part has got better with her age and maybe the fish oils? It's hard to tell.

I do try to please my DD as I like to see her happy, I play her games when I really don't want to but she's is not my mate. I'd love to be friends with her one day.