Three year old in bid for dictatorship....

[Smee]

Please someone tell me this is a phase. DS (3) is turning virtually everything we do into a battle. it's got so ridiculous that even if I suggest a treat he it evolves into all out war. Today I said we'd go to his favourite cafe on the way for a swim. Cue tyrannical screaming that we had to do the swim first. Tired of all the confrontation of late, I decided not to react and said okay then we'll go straight to the pool, cue more yelling that it's not fair as I'd promised the cafe.

Whatever I do is wrong basically. Negotiation meets with "No!", me being assertive is countered with tantrums. I make damn sure I get what I've been insisting on, but it's more than a slog. Is this just being 3 (not far off 4)? Is he going for global dictatorship..? Is infanticide ever justified...?

It is normally because they are tired, true, but my problem is she WILL NOT NAP & it just turns into a vicious cycle from 2.30pm. Grumpy so try putting down = Screams for 1/2 hour in cot. Get her out. Grumpy, has tantrum so put in cot. Screams for 1/2 hour. Get her out. She looks at me with pure hatred. I look for the 666 birth mark on her body. Keep her downstairs for rest of afternoon while she plays, then tantrums, plays then tantrums. It is painful.

The prob with 3 year old tantrums is that unlike younger toddlers, 3 year olds have the capacity to keep the tantrum going for hours! When ds was 2 he used to tantrum and I could leave the room and that would usually knock the wind out of his sails.

Yesterday ds (3.2) came in from nursery and I went to help him unzip his jacket. He said "I'll do it mySEEEEEEELLLLLLFFFF!!"

So I let him. When he couldn't get it open on his own I asked if he wanted some help and he yelled "NO!" and then, for no good reason that I could see, had a complete meltdown - fling himself onto the floor style tantrum.

I decided to just ignore him and leave the room. It got louder and louder and went on and on and on...

I had to go back, wrestle his coat off of him and sit with him on my lap for about 10 mins before the sobbing ended.

Then he was fine - like nothing had happened - and I was utterly exhausted.

Ohhhhh my toddlers do this..times two! I have twins who are 2.7 and one of them is also a major dictator...

If we walk into a toddler group and everyone turns to smile and say hello to all three of us they get a "NO! No looking at me! No!". I think she'd like everyone to bow down and look at the floor, like she's some kind of Chinese emperor entering a palace and everyone else her courtiers...

If I put her pasta sauce on her pasta shapes the world ends and I get a sobbing, wailing child crying "No, pasta shapes dirty - naughty mummy, no!, not on my pasta, not eating it".

I have also resorted to "because i say so and i am the grown up" which works some of the time!

I too have been made to feel so much better by this thread. My dd1 (now 4) is soo full of fury at times she frightens me. And bossy, my god. I don't think she actually listens to what I say, she just objects on principle. Ho hum, at least it isn't a personality disorder as I was beginning to think!

bluebutterfly - not always true that the younger ones lack stamina. mine can do an hour easily and hes not yet 1 and a half.

Reading this brings back so many memories! I never thought it would end but dd at 4.5 seems like a different child! What helped was giving her a choice (decreasing oportunity to say no) or when that was impossible giving her what she wanted in fantasy (it's from a book - how to talk so kids will listen). Basically saying 'I wish there was a tree that grew your favourite socks because when they are in the wash we could go and pick some more' or something like that..Anyway, and most importantly, it really does pass!

Some of this is soooooo funny to read. I have a 19mth & he's not done this stuff yet. Ohh my god I'll be laughing even more or in tears when he does start.

A huge hooray for not being the only one. julesrose yeay ; I do so hope my small son turns the corner, but right now choices just add to the tyrant's box of tricks. For example, I too try to meet him half way. I do deals with him, and at two it used to work. In fact he loved it. I'd say, okay then, howabout if you do x, then we can do y in a bit. Not any more though. Now he counters it with "No Mummy that's not the deal, this is the deal.." Naturally his deal is always way beyond reason, so I say sorry, but no that's not acceptable because x,y and all manner of z's, cue tyrannical shrieking. Am heading for alcohol...

It's a phase. Just keep saying that and it will pass and before you know it you will be arguing over whether he can stay out 'til 1am.

Not helpful, but true.

I am sure my little boy has 666 somewhere on his body. I am determined to find it. He is a little git!! Do you want a banana - NO, Do you want a cuddle - NO, do you want a million chocolate buttons - NOOOOOO

Argghhhhh - when does it end???? And to top it all, I've just found out I'm pregnant with No 3. Daren't moan to my family as both my brother and brother in law are ttc and failing. I could put my head in an oven some days. 3 kids under 5? Do I need my head examined? Please please any tips please. Tried to answer no with no but that game backfired as 'no' was the favourite word for the next 6 hours. Tips anyone. I can't even have a stiff drink now!!!!

My 3yo DS1 has now taken to shouting at me 'YOU ARE A VERY BOSSY ENGINE!' (its from the Thomas episode when Silly Billy doesn't listen to anything Thomas tells him to do.) I have since resigned and told him. 'Yes I am a very bossy engine - because I am the grown up and you will do what I say.' I have found that he has got more aggressive since turning 3 and we get less temper tantrums more shouty arguments. E.g. I don't love you any more / I think you smell - that sort of thing! Feels like he is a tennager already.

Wait 'til they start asking

'why?'

Oh mine already says "why". It's a fantastic combination. Dictatorship and analytical destruction of everything you ever say..
Snoots though blimey, poor poor you. Not sure if I'm in any way qualified to offer suggestions as I'm the desperate soul who started this thread, but howabout:
If he's saying "No" try and make him laugh. I know that's far from what you're feeling, but I played a game a few times with mine saying "I bet I can make you say yes". In the end he couldn't resist and we fell about laughing. Sometimes it works for both of us.
Or, just walk away. Literally leave him to it. Don't shout, just matter of fact leave and tell him when he's ready to be reasonable to come and get you. Honestly if they're within the realm of reason (ie not too tired) it can be amazing. After all, he's doing it for a reaction. If you're not in the room he won't get one.
Let us know if you find the 666 though. Personally I always search for an "off" button. Surely there's one on them somewhere..

Thank you all who have posted! SO reassuring to know I am not the only one!I have no answers that work every time but DD does spend time on the step when I get really fed up! At least I feel I am making a point!

I did try 'I'm going to bite your bottom' - as a joke but then thought, what if he repeats this at preschool.......mmm maybe resort to your suggestion Smee of getting a laugh. Hey, its worth a try. It made me laugh reading your reply. I chatted to my mum on the phone and she said I was exactly the same when I was young. Can't believe that. More worryingly, she said I was still having tantrums at age 9. Oh god, please no!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, my DD is 4.6 and there seems to be no end in sight yet! We say she could start an argument in an empty room! Have even heard her arguing in her sleep. She just argues with us over every detail. Shamed to admit that I think she gets it from me but doesn't make it any less frustrating!

i get to work EXHAUSTED from the constant battle that starts when i ask my dd (4) to get out of bed and doesn't end until i shut the nursery's door behind me.

I'm kind of loving hearing that she's not the only dictator and it's ok to keep asserting our pack supremacy!

we have a ds 8 who STILL will argue that black is white. the other day i said to dh in passing (and in ds's earshot) that ds argues with everything i say. ds's interjection? no i don't.

how we laughed.

oh yes our nieces took up chanting 'don't say no say YEESSSS!' every time my ds was being tricky. it lightened the mood quite successfully, which is what's needed, really.