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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Three year old in bid for dictatorship....

68 replies

Smee · 07/03/2008 19:29

Please someone tell me this is a phase. DS (3) is turning virtually everything we do into a battle. it's got so ridiculous that even if I suggest a treat he it evolves into all out war. Today I said we'd go to his favourite cafe on the way for a swim. Cue tyrannical screaming that we had to do the swim first. Tired of all the confrontation of late, I decided not to react and said okay then we'll go straight to the pool, cue more yelling that it's not fair as I'd promised the cafe.

Whatever I do is wrong basically. Negotiation meets with "No!", me being assertive is countered with tantrums. I make damn sure I get what I've been insisting on, but it's more than a slog. Is this just being 3 (not far off 4)? Is he going for global dictatorship..? Is infanticide ever justified...?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pippylongstockings · 08/03/2008 10:38

I too have a terrible three (my SIL tells me its the f*ing fours! looking forward to that then....)

typical bed times will be - he wanted to go to bed in his clothes/didn't want a bath/did want a bath with his brother/didn't want a bath with his brother/still wanted to get back into dirty clothes/didn't want a drink/did want a drink/needed a poo on his potty in his bed room /didn't want daddy to read a story just mummy /didn't want any of the story books on offer/needed to choose from the books downstairs /wanted to be carried up stairs but by piggyback not any other way will do..... etc. etc.

GRIN and large glass of wine!

rainbowbadger · 08/03/2008 11:38

My DD2 is two next month and its already began - full rolling about on the floor wailing when I am being completely unreasonable by wanting her to do things like put trousers on when we go out, not jump onto moving playground roundabouts, not play with knives / matches etc .... Got an 8 year old so I know its all just one phase after another! The only way I've coped is dropping my already quite low standards and taking up humming to myself!!!

JJack · 08/03/2008 13:36

so helpful to read all these. My little one has moments of nightmareness but he can also be sol lovely! He beats up his little sister to get my attention.
I am sure it is a phase but i find the only thing that works is threatening to take away his favoutite toys. i know it sounds mean but its the only thing that makes him take notice. i think being with bigger boys at pre school has had abig impact.
I just need to be patient because if i stay calm and in control i am so much more effective! as well as trying to give him constructive games to play...3 year olds have so much energy to get rid of.

FarawayWe · 08/03/2008 14:28

My DD is 2y8m and only prone to this kind of behaviour only when she's tired. It took me a while to figure out that it was the fatigue, and not a power struggle.

The other thing I try to keep in mind is that it takes two to tango. If I imagine she's speaking Swahili - or any other language I don't understand - then I can ignore the hostile behaviour and just carry on. Of course, this has to be balanced with reasonable behaviour on my part, too!

Sometimes only brute force will do. She frequently refuses the leave the car when we get home from school because she's shattered and wants to stay where she's comfortable. However, when it's cold outside I don't like to leave her for more than 2 minutes (keeping an eye on her). So I go and get her, which involves full on grasp and wrench and hold... and then dealing with the clawing and the screaming for 5 minutes.

Oh look, she's yelling now! Better go.

Original poster

Smee · 08/03/2008 17:43

DS used to be because he was tired too, but what I'm obsessing about is slightly different. Sometime around three and a half he developed a glint in his eye. A real : "I'm taking you on here" look. It's not nasty, but it's very definitely stroppy and a challenge to me/ him/ us. It's largely saved for me alone (yeay!) - I know that's because I'm the main carer, so they tend to test you first. Suppose it's a testing boundaries thing. It's worse when he's tired definitely, as then irrationality joins in, but it's very definitely not just fatigue..

OP posts:

catinthehat · 08/03/2008 17:48

Who was the poster who was using the dog whisperer book to manage toddlers a few weeks ago?
She was on the right track I think.
I think little ones get confused about their pack status. I found a brief reminder that "Mummy & Daddy are in charge, not you" is always worth bringing out every now & again.

2happy · 08/03/2008 17:52

It was ahundredtimes

catinthehat · 08/03/2008 17:55

Yes!! Well remembered

Miggsie · 08/03/2008 18:02

My boss met my 3 yo DD and after a session where she basically reorganised his life, he remarked "she's going to be prime minister"
The same power game, but by that time they ahve learnt manners (we hope!!!!)

2happy · 08/03/2008 18:02

I liked it, it stuck in my mind!

BexieID · 09/03/2008 07:46

Tom, who is 2 next month, decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of the high street in Bracknell last saturday when I was visiting my parents. He cried in every shop and outside shops. Mum thought he might be better walking, but oh no, he just laid on the pavement! Poor mum seeing her grandson turn into the devil! Even the bubble machine outside the ELC had no effect! He was tired, as he fell asleep in the car after 5 mins!

I'm so not looking forward to when he can answer back!

MaeBee · 09/03/2008 08:40

my 17mth old has enormous tantrums now, started a few weeks ago, and im finding it really really hard. i think im getting to breaking point, i fantasise about leaving all the time, and i regret ever having a child. its like when he was tiny, and i feel that the love i had has been vanquished by his constant horribleness.
im not a good mother, im not like one of those women who constantly and unconditionally like and love their children.
he has molars coming through so im hoping that once they break he will improve. but so far today he's had two already, rolling around on the floor screaming for ages ones.
i think im going crazy with it.

potatofactory · 09/03/2008 09:19

I find this very scary reading! ( my daughter is ten months old... i know... I don't know I'm born...)

I read the term 'threenager' somewhere on mumsnet I think? Made me chuckle (and also scared)

MaeBee · 09/03/2008 09:40

had a little weep and feel a lot better for it, and my boy has been charming and funny and brilliant the last hour. so i feel good too again.god, having a toddler makes ME feel like a toddler, i get the same enormous swings of emotion that he suffers!

Jeremyll33 · 10/03/2008 09:49

Tickles me to read here that I am not alone. Mine (2.2) uses his fave word no all the time.

A few months ago his favourite activity was upon finding a pile of say loose lego or jigsaw pieces, wading in and sweeping them all off the coffee table, then when they landed on the floor, sweeping them all over the place to scatter them all over the room. Then he'd look at me and wait, proud of his trouble. Sick of this I tried a new tactic. Instead of shouting and screaming (the usual way) I waded into the mess, and swept the mess even further round the room. We've had less mess since.

I recently tried the tactic of saying also "no" lots back. I reckon it takes the power of the word "no" away from him.

If wqe are off to bed he has to turn off thre TV or stereo last, or else. I let him do this. I reckon he is trying to be independent.

Waiting for his next irritating thing which will send me reaching for the beer...

ginnysmummy · 10/03/2008 11:17

hello everyone, i have just joined mumsnet. i thought my daughter was abnormally badly behaved when we go out, but it seems they all are bad, i thought i was doing something wrong(first child) now i have read this i understand everyone is going through it.

wakeupaustralia · 10/03/2008 11:56

Welcome to mumsnet ginnysmummy.

My DD1 who is 2.5 has been doing this for a couple of months. His favourite expression is "don't have to". He says "I want such and such" and say "yes, you can have such and such" and I get "don't have to". Absolutely does my head in after 5 minutes of this back and forth. It's like walking into the same trap over and over and kicking myself for making the same mistake yet again. When DH is home he plays favourites - says "Mummy go" and even tries pushing me out of the room because he wants Daddy! Was very upsetting when it first happened but now I'm used to getting the cold shoulder. Hey, I'm only the buggalugs who cleans up his poo and gives him his dinner, whereas Daddy is FUN!

Anyway, Was thinking of seeing a child psychologist about it but reading these posts have given me some perspective and I think DD1 is just being a pretty normal 2.5 y.o. boy.

superflybaby · 10/03/2008 12:18

I had a darling little baby. She slept & fed well, smiled all the time, teethed ok, learned to walk without trashing the house... but now she is 21 months and I can tell you the saying 'Easy Baby = Terrible Toddler' is 100% TRUE. I was starting to think her bad behaviour was because of my guilt at working 4 days per week, but now I see it is normal. She hates my DP having any physical contact with me, will not let me leave the room, even to make dinner, even if DP is playing with her, will scream blue murder for hours rather than nap when she is tired. I don't know if this make me feel better or worse...

scattercushion · 10/03/2008 12:25

I find singing Amy WInehouse at my dd helps - especially the 'no, no, no' and 'more, more, more' choruses. It seems to dilute the negative vibes (man)

Sixofone · 10/03/2008 12:52

I love snotbuster's comment 'you are two, I am Mummy and therefore the Boss'!!

I have been struggling to remember that all morning when dd (21 months) wanted to crawl in the dirt under one of the display units in Mothercare and shoplift a dolly buggy, cue full on fist pummelling, hitting Mummy on the head and kicking.

(WHY do Mothercare put toys out everywhere and then big signs saying that kids can't touch them? )

Anyhow, finding that ignoring, distraction or walking off and pretending to do something more interesting are working well at the moment. Although, it won't be too long before dd works out that there isn't really a birdie inside the car when she is doing the plank at carseat time...

matso · 10/03/2008 13:02

thank goodness for this thread! my twin nearly 3 has been like this for a month now! and just this morning i was in the shower thinking is the river a way out! and then i gasped what am i thinking gosh its tough isn't it especially when she says i'm bad and when i say No she screams and cries like she has been hurt! The neighbours must think i have gone mad shouting a lot but it does no good just lose the calm sometimes when she has hit her twin for the 100th time or taken her toys just to take them! Oh well it will pass hopefully!! it helps that it is quite 'normal' shall we say to be a little like this!

Belgianchocolates · 10/03/2008 14:27

I find the best strategy to deal with them when they're like that is just to ignore their screaming and say we're doing it this way because I'm your mum and I say so and I wont listen to you when you scream, so scream as much as you like, but it will make no difference. Then I just carry on and ignore any screaming/tantrums. They soon catch on that they're not going to get anything that way and I must say that tantrums are a rare occurance in this household and are usually triggered by fatigue. Got 2 dc's: ds(6) and dd(4). I also found that trying to reason with them when they're like that only makes it worse.
Another thing I found is that when they start having tantrums too often, I often find that it's at times I've been busy with other things and haven't been paying any attention to them. Often a 15-30 min of undevided attention a day, e.g. reading a book/playing a game, seems to calm them down for the rest of the day and makes them less prone to tantrums.
Hope this makes sense

MaeBee · 10/03/2008 15:44

how often and how for long do other peoples kids tantrum for? mine hasn't had one out yet, but has had 2 30 mins tantrums indoors, both after waking up. he rolls around the floor screaming. he was sick just now with the last one. hes had a few inbetween that just lasted a couple of minutes, but i don't count them as real tantrums if they last less than 10mins.
we have 2 outings a day thank god, and he's okay when we are out, or just quick ones,i guess cos he's distracted.
i ignore them and carry on doing stuff, but i ifnd them really hard. he wants a cuddle afterwards, but usually with his daddy not me.
is this all normal for a 17mth old? its putting quite a strain on my relationship with dp, especially as dp has hideous toothache at the moment and can't help as much. which infuriates me.
i have to keep a close eye on my drinking cos i used to have a bit of a problem, but sometimes i think its the only thing to keep me sane. life feels quite joyless right now, with a teething partner and a toddler im finding it hard to love.

Bumdiddley · 10/03/2008 15:48

My dd is just three and has started using my words against me!!
Yesterday she told me to stop whining...

LittleMy34 · 10/03/2008 16:16

My DS is 23 months and has just started down this road, help! The other day it was about flavours of yogurt, I had to go and sit in a darkened room after that.....

I do find it's worse if I've been ignoring him a bit, went to stay with a friend who has just had a baby and was busy doing things like make tea and cook dinner, and DS became an absolute monster on the Sunday.

Then at bedtime he's really clingy and wants cuddles and not be put down in his cot, and I feel really guilty because I feel like it's my fault for not paying him enough attention....sigh.

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