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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How would you punish 5 year old ds who punched a girl at playtime and made her nose bleed?

33 replies

DrNortherner · 22/02/2008 19:04

He told me he did this whilst in the bath tonight.

Girls were chasing him, wouldn't leave him alone, he punched one and she got a nose bleed. He had to go and see head master.

Dh told him it was wrong but that was all. No punishment, consequences, nothing. He's now gone for a bike ride in a huff cause I said he needs to do more disciplining.

I told ds he loses pocket money tomorrow, he's missed a story and he's in bed early crying and upset.

What would you do?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 22/02/2008 19:08

I think that if it happens at school, it should be dealt with at school. Presumably he used words to ask the girls to leave him alone?

I'm probably not the best person to ask, though, I'm not keen on punishment anyway.

coastalmum · 22/02/2008 19:10

Apart from seeing Headmaster did he receive any other sanctions at school?

I'd say if was adequately dealt with at school, then your disapproval of his actions are enough.

donbean · 22/02/2008 19:10

i have had some thing similar.
I believe that it is innapropriate to punish at home for what went on at school.
I would not ask teacher to punish son for naughty behaviour at home.
He has been punished at school already.
I spoke to teacher and made it clear that we had talked about bad behaviour.
When it came to the crunch, i started a star chart for each day he was good then after 1 week, wjith 5 stars we took him to park with scooter.

PortAndLemon · 22/02/2008 19:12

I would find out from the school what happened and how it was handled before doing anything at home.

donbean · 22/02/2008 19:12

mine was persistant poor behaviour tho.

southeastastra · 22/02/2008 19:12

i'd go on and on at him to make sure he really understood that it wasn't on. i wouldn't just let the school deal with it and leave it at that.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/02/2008 19:13

I'm not 100% convinced that what he did was wrong, at least not that wrong.

Ok, he should have used his words, asked them to leave him alone, and then, if that didn't work, gone to see the teachers to get help. But if he at least used his words first, then it's not outrageous for a 5-year-old to use his fists next, imo. Not ideal, obviously, but not horrible, either.

I'd talk through what happened, what he should have done, etc etc, and leave it at that.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 22/02/2008 19:14

I would do what you have done. I would mention the behaviour again to DS to ram it home but I wouldn't punish any more. I might also check at school what happened, since I view this incident as pretty serious (as you obviously do)

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 19:16

i think you should do something at home to back up and reinforce what the school have done.....
i think that what you have suggested is fine, DrNorthener, punching anyone in the face and making them bleed is not acceptable . i imagine he was quite taken aback though by what happened, and is feeling upset too, by his own actions.

i am sure he won;t do it again...

chocolateshoes · 22/02/2008 19:16

How about using the pocket money to buy a bar of chocolate for the girl by way of apology?

AitchTwoOh · 22/02/2008 19:17

i'd speak to the headmaster, he presumably felt that he'd dealt with it and would have contacted you if further punishment was required.

donbean · 22/02/2008 19:17

Leave your punishment as it stands, dont give his pocket money tomorrow BUT then draw a line under it and end it there.
It IS difficult because you feel that you should do something as it isnt behaviour that is acceptable to you as a parent raising your child to know the difference between right and wrong.
hth

HonoriaGlossop · 22/02/2008 19:18

I wouldn't do anything.

It has been dealt with at school. I think it is really, really counterproductive to let this stuff follow them home. He will lose the sense that he can talk to you openly and honestly and with trust and that's just not worth losing; as he gets older he will get less communicative anyway, you need to be really valuing the communication and the fact he told you.

Also, I said on here once before about how my mum dealt with me once. I broke a lovely perfume bottle of hers, I dropped it in the sink and I knew I shouldn't have been playing with it. I'd been told it was fragile, not a toy and not to be touched! she came in and instead of shouting or imposing sanctions of any sort, she gave me a cuddle and said "Oh, your poor thing, you must feel AWFUL. Don't worry, I know it was an accident".

the fact that she said that really helped. Instead of thinking, oh god I'm in trouble and feeling sorry for myself, I was brought up short by her kindness and I thought about it from HER point of view and how sorry I was that I'd broken it. And the fact that she credited me that I would feel bad about it, rather than just thinking 'naughty little girl'.....

You could just have said "oh you must have felt so awful about hurting her. I know you're kind and you don't like to hurt people".

I really really can't say strongly enough how unhelpful I think it is to punish again. Trust that school have dealt with it and remember that it's fantastic he's talking to you and telling you things.

chankins · 22/02/2008 19:19

I think what you've done so far is fine, and probably enough. Maybe chat to him about it again tommorrow when everyone is calmer. I agree he was probably provoked and lashed out not thinking about the consequences, but I'm sure he won't do it again if he seems that upset about it. I would be more worried if he didn't seem to care !

janeite · 22/02/2008 19:20

I agree that you should contact the school first and find out the details. I think you are also right that he should be punished at home and I think the punishment you've put in place sounds fine. He's lost out on something nice (story), knows there are slightly longer term consequences (pocket money) and knows that you support the school. I disagree with NQC though - just because they do something wrong at school, shouldn't mean they don't get any consequences at home - that suggests that they can be as naughty as they want at school but you don't mind imho.

donbean · 22/02/2008 19:20

when it happened to me i felt VERY uncomfortable and a bit pressured into doling out punishment.
I thought long and hard and felt that it wasnt right for me to doubly punish him.

PortAndLemon · 22/02/2008 19:23

There was someone on here recently who had a DS of around the same age who told her that he'd been in trouble for hitting the teacher. She went off at him big time, ladled on the punishments, then went into the school the next day to see the teacher, only to find... the whole incident had never happened. Goodness only knows why the child had made it up, but it's clearly not unheard of for that kind of thing to happen.

HonoriaGlossop · 22/02/2008 19:24

it doesn't suggest they can be as naughty as they want I don't think - it just means that misdemeanours are dealt with immediately, at the time, by the people who know the facts.

Which is how it should be!

You are not in that position at home.

seeker · 22/02/2008 19:24

Can I add my voice to the no punishment at home for school things so long as school has dealt with it. Talking about it and how it made people feel - maybe talk about an apology to the girl with the nose - but no more punishments.

hecate · 22/02/2008 19:25

I disagree that what happens at school should be left at school. I think that it is important to have that team effort and to back up the school in this sort of thing and reinforce the message. I think I'd be asking him how he would feel if someone had punched him, what else he could do instead of hitting if he found himself in this situation again and what he thought he ought to do now (apologise to the girl/stay away from her/start afresh/whatever). But what I wouldn't do is leave it up to the school and consider it dealt with. I like to have the final say!

hecate · 22/02/2008 19:27

ooh, just reread and realised it's the child and not the school that reported the thump! Still important to follow up with the chat, im(humble)o.

ladette · 22/02/2008 19:28

for something like this, I would do what you have done. I don't agree with those who say what happens in school should be punished in school in all cases. This is one instance where I personally think you need to reinforce the message that you don't approve of hitting. Carry through your threat to take away his pocket money tomorrow, remind him you don't approve of that kind of behaviour, perhaps talk through calmly how he might deal with the situation differently another time. Then move on. And praise him highly for all the good things he does tomorrow.

donbean · 22/02/2008 19:28

hecate, i agree but there are ways, punishment not bieng one.
Commumnication is a MAJOR plus, and OBVIOUS communication between parent and teacher so that child knows that you are working together, supporting each other has worked a treat.
My boy tells me to chat to the teacher now as he is so proud of himself for bieng good that day!

HonoriaGlossop · 22/02/2008 19:28

I think you are doing enough to back up the school if you do as hecate says and talk about things, ask questions and help them learn from the experience.

Far far more helpful than punitive things IMO.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/02/2008 19:34

Oh, I don't think parents shouldn't talk to their kids about misbehaviour at school, reinforce the school's message. Obviously we should care about bad behaviour at school. But I wouldn't punish my child, at home, for bad behaviour at school, unless the school asked me to.

Obviously I'd talk the whole thing over with my kid.

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