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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Advice please re 3 year old behaviour

33 replies

CHUNKYMUNKEY · 11/12/2004 23:15

Since turning 3 (now 3.4 yrs) I am finding things tough with my dd, she gets really upset if friends play with her toys,(but happy to play with theirs) she can't take turns, she wont share, constantly winging, always wants attention, interupts conversations or else has a major tantrum, throws things in rage and also hits out, usually me in the face. its getting to the point where i am starting to dread being with her, and us being around other people. Help! Is this normal for a three year old? and does it ever end? She never had the "terrible twos" and was really good with sharing and taking turns, she goes to playschool and we mix with other families with children, i work part-time and can spend lots of time with her, I'm wondering if i've done too much with her. if anyone can please give me some advice on handelling this, i really am at end of tether with it.

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dustercember · 11/12/2004 23:21

Sympathy, Chunky.
I think she is what is known as a 'threenager' around these parts
Has she recently started playschool? Some children pick up these things just to try them out, I think.(I work in a Montessori, BTW)
Sorry I can't be much help, but like I say, sympathy. Repeat:'It's a phase,it's a phase, it's a phase...'

bosch · 11/12/2004 23:36

My ds is 3.3 and a lot of what you say sounds horribly familiar. I had begun to think I had the best child ever when he didn't do the terrible twos, but I guess some children just save it up for after their third birthday.

Being a complete coward myself I am inclined to try to avoid situations where I know he's going to be badly behaved, even though I know that what he needs is practise at being a three year old. Does that make sense.

I also know how depressed I get when I'm hoarse from shouting at him by mid-morning. It is so hard to have fun with them when they're in full flow.

I think at the moment it just has to be a matter of faith that they (and we) will get through this.
As for handling this, well I think he's becoming immune to the 'naughty stair' but I'm going to keep plugging away.

Good luck and hope you get some better replies than this one as I need help too!

Original poster

CHUNKYMUNKEY · 11/12/2004 23:49

Hi, thanks for the replies, this conversation has been posted twice so my apologies, im fairly recent to mumsnet, so learning the ropes! dustercember, my dd was at playschool, now on xmas hols and going to nursery attached to (hopefully) the school she will be going to. She has been like this since her third birthday, before that she was great, no "bad" behaviour. She tells me that she likes being naughty. I don't have any of these toddler taming books as i've never needed them with her, I usually end up losing my temper and shouting and making her really upset and then feeling absolutely useless about myself.

OP posts:

janeyjinglebops · 11/12/2004 23:57

how about some reward system like stickers. would that work?

dustercember · 12/12/2004 00:07

Chunky, it's maddening isn't it? You are not useless, you are a parent - I think we exist to give the world the word 'guilt!'
FWIW, ds2 was a little sod at around 3. When ds3 pulls the same stunts, I will repeat to myself, 'It's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase...'
Ds2 hated when he hit out at another child/took their toy/shoved ds1 etc and I focussed all my attention on the injured party, not that it stopped him but I think he started to get the message. When he hit me and I cried it freaked him out entirely, but it did stop him doing it so much (I felt like a cow - can't say I think that was the right thhing to do for him, though)
From my experience, children are exhausted by playgroup/nursery etc, I really used to notice it by Friday. Impossible though it sometimes is, the very best thing to do nearly always is ignore it, walk away, leave the room. Difficult when someone is clinging to your knees and screaming in the bank queue, I know!
Does bribery work? Star charts for good behaviour?
Sorry, don't feel I've been much help here, but
((((((((HUGS))))))))

Original poster

CHUNKYMUNKEY · 12/12/2004 10:36

I will try the star chart method, im just worried that if i dont try and do something now it will get worse when she starts nursery in january. all the other children we know her age seem fine about sharing and taking turns.

OP posts:

MTG · 13/12/2004 18:09

HI there!

I know, I know , I know - but mine is a tad older and all this has started at nursery. I think it is exhaustion - but they have to build up their stamina gradually. At nursery they say that he is still very young - and they are right! (mine is 3yrs and 9ms) I think it is just going to get you at some point. But let me say how reassuring to hear your story - at times like these one feels one is surrounded by perfect parents!!! It is okay to be peeved by it all. Mine responds to the situation being turned around - 'would you like it if I snatched from you' - seems to really make him think about it. Sorry not to be more help - but sending much sympathy!!

aloha · 13/12/2004 18:11

Really? They all are good at sharing and taking turns? I don't know any three year olds who really 'get' this concept! I'm serious. Bickering and tussling is IMO perfectly normal at this age.

Original poster

CHUNKYMUNKEY · 13/12/2004 18:43

Yes, all of my dds friends are fine when we go to their house and willingly share their toys, so do other children in our family who are around the same age, perhaps this is unusual aloha, but it makes me feel like im doing something wrong but im reasured to hear my dd isn't the only one going through this stage, today i have been as calm as i can and today has been so much better, Im worried about nursery because my dd will be the youngest just 3.4 months old.

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dot1 · 14/12/2004 09:01

our just turned 3 year old is really worrying us at the moment. He only goes to nursery 1 day a week (and playgroup 2 mornings a week) but just seems very unhappy all the time. He doesn't really have tantrums, but refuses to share anything with his baby brother (although the introduction of a star chart is helping with this), but just seems down and miserable - like he's depressed. Can you get depressed at 3??? He wants to be left on his own a lot, and will sit in another room to us quite often - I think he gets down at how noisy his brother is (a very babbly 8 month old). He's also refusing to eat much (which he knows really winds us up...) and is sulky/whiney a lot.

Great. What do you think - normal???

TheFennelandtheIvy · 14/12/2004 09:33

hi Chunkymunkey.

my 3.4 year old dd2 can be very like this (though actually she was like it at two, and still is). But she is perfect, mature and angelic at nursery. Apparently she NEVER misbehaves at nursery. Maybe your dd will be fine at nursery even if dreadful at home?

dot1 sorry to hear about your dd1. maybe he's just a bit of a loner and needs his own space sometimes?

TheFennelandtheIvy · 14/12/2004 09:34

btw I also dread my "quality time" days at home with dd2 and am so relieved when she goes to nursery. and then I feel guilty about that

aloha · 14/12/2004 09:37

Personally, I think we expect a hell of a lot of sharing from very small people. I wonder how we'd feel if our friends came to our house, went into our bedroom and started trying on our clothes? Or getting our CDs out and started playing them without asking? Or wanting to use our new computer? I agree that the ability to be sociable, to not be aggressive and to take turns is vital, but sometimes I think we do expect behaviour that we aren't even capable of ourselves.

serenequeen · 14/12/2004 09:42

agree it's a phase - fwiw we have found ds much harder going since he turned 3 than he ever was when he was 2...

sandyballs · 14/12/2004 10:30

So true Aloha - I love the perspective you put on these problems! Makes me look at my two DDs in a much more understanding way. I would go ape if my friends did that with my stuff!!

dot1 · 14/12/2004 12:13

I think he is a bit of a loner - which makes us feel guilty and a bit helpless, as dp and I are both quite chatty, friendly types (honest!) and feel bad that we've done something wrong, or that he'll always be unhappy to be in such a noisy house (as ds2 seems to be the exact opposite to ds1...). We're dreading him starting school, as when he does go to nursery he doesn't talk for the whole day. They were saying the other week that they can't really assess him because he never speaks - so they don't know he can count to 12, knows all his colours and has done for years, knows lots of letters etc.... Very frustrating, and worrying, because what if he's like this when he starts school??

Kaz33 · 14/12/2004 13:31

Well loners tend to be quite self sufficient, able to amuse themselves - so not all bad.

Our 3 year old is very like that, quiet, self sufficient but recently has become more assertive and independent. He will never be the leader of the gang but he is developing the skills that he will need to survive school. So I am sure he will adjust, he's not just there yet.

Maybe you should try some one to one time, my 3 year old came out with " Daddy and I used to go out on our own without mum and Cam ". Dad then took him out without his brother and he was so happy.

I then spent the next day watching how many positives I gave his little brother, kisses, compliments, rough and tumble and DS1 was mostly getting "don't do that etc... " I tried to make an effort to even it out and I was rewarded by unasked for kisses at bedtime - that hasn't happended for a long time

Kaz33 · 14/12/2004 13:32

Oops its DD - apologies

melanie1966 · 14/12/2004 14:13

Hi Chunkymunkey, this sounds very familiar! My daughter is now 5 + 9 months and most of the time will share things OK but even now if her little brother picks something of hers up then she'll decide she wants it but when whe was 3 she was a little madam and I did the same as you in avoiding going out where you know it's going to be a problem. The thing is you're probably so conscious of the problem and you're analysing everything she does yet the people around you don't bat an eyelid and just accept that "not sharing" is just part and parcel of a 3 yr old. I would give her a break and try to notice the good things that she does and praise her for them instead of always looking for something to scold her about, she may surprise you. Having said that I would think tantrums and not sharing are pretty much the norm for a 3 yr old. With my daughter praise is a very valuable thing, she loves it when I tell her I'm pleased with her but hates it when I'm cross with her, so try and see the good in her too, not just the bad!! It's worth a try and I bet it will make you both feel better.

TheFennelandtheIvy · 14/12/2004 15:38

dot1, the quiet loners can be lovely! dd1 was extremely quiet at nursery and at first at school but now (age 4.5) she's quite confident and chatty with lots of friends. But she still loves her own space and needs time to herself.

Original poster

CHUNKYMUNKEY · 14/12/2004 19:08

I am quite concious of other people's reactions to my dd and perhaps this is part of the problem, however i always try and make sure that we have lots of fun and i do give lots of praise. Her playschool have told me she is fine there and she has made friends and loves company so i know she is just trying to test the boundaries at home, what i don't like is for example today i asked her what she did at her nanny and grandad's house as they look after her the two days a week when i work and she shouted "Nooooooooooooo" and then hit me in the face. This is what im finding most difficult as hitting me is getting more and more frequent and throwing toys at me, she doesn't do this with her dad, just me and i don't know how to deal with this, I accept the turn-taking and sharing will come with time and she is still very young, perhaps my messages haven't come over right, as i said i certainly don't expect her to be an angel.

OP posts:

melanie1966 · 14/12/2004 21:34

What does she say when you ask her why she hits you? Tell her that it hurts Mummy when she hits you (you've probably said this i know!). Exaggerate the fact that she has hurt you (like mock crying) and see what reaction you get. Maybe she doesn't realise how much it hurts you? Or maybe her dad could take her to one side and ask her why she hits you and throws things at you. It could be something really simple or maybe it's something that's upsetting her that you've not twigged? Difficult I know but my daughter went through something similar with my husband, she wouldn't even acknowledge him let alone go to him/ cuddle him etc. This went on for over a year, then suddenly one day it stopped as suddenly as it had started. To this day we don't know what the problem was! Good luck!

kinderbobsleigh · 14/12/2004 23:38

Asolutely love Aloha's description of how we would feel if our friends started using our stuff.

We do taking turns in our house (I think "sharing" is a very vague concept) and I tend to get stuff from the toy library for playdates so it doesn't actually belong to anyone. However it's got a downside in that ds is alway making me take a turn, even when I am happily reading my own book, he wants to give me a turn with his. And of course I've got to be very thankful and take my turn because it was so good of him to think of me.

FairyMum · 15/12/2004 07:20

My Ds is the same age as yours and in fulltime nursery. He is really good in nursery. Well-behaved and good at sharing. At home it's another story and I wouldn't dream of inviting lots of children over to play with his toys. Perhaps if I had a stand-by ambulance,)
I think your dd sounds quite normal and she might be totally different outside the home. Don't worry!

TheFennelandtheIvy · 15/12/2004 09:21

Would it help on the sharing front to tell her she doesn't ever have to share her favourite toys, but can choose which toys she's prepared to share with friends who come round? I tell mine they don't have to share the toys in their bedroom (the more fragile or personal things), but toys which live in our living room get shared (eg lego, farm set, drawing things).

And keep reiterating that her friends might not want to share with her if she's not sharing nicely.

On the hitting in your face I'd personally suggest zero tolerance - straight into "time out" or whatever you use until you get an apology. Or a sanction she hates (for mine, no TV for rest of the day works well) if she does it even once.

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