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Original poster

I have never seen my 6yo so badly behaved before - shocked.

27 replies

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 16:21

My dd who is 7 next month has always had a bit of a short fuse. When she's rude or naughty which I don't thin she is excessivly she we use the naughty step or loss of TV as punishment.

Today she is making a Valentine's card for me and something went wrong - in her eyes it was obviously a catasophe. She lost it big time. I was trying to help rectify it nice and calm and then she has a full blown paddy, screaming and dancing up and down on the spot flailing her arms about. She ran across to the table and pulled one of the (heavy) dining room chairs over. So I told her to go on the naughty step. She refused and picked up my big sewing scissors to try and cut the card. I told her to put the scissors down and she refused and as I walked across to her she ran across the room with the scissors. I was scared she was going to slip. She ran and sat on the step and I went to remove the scissors and shes still refusing to give them to me and was now waving her arms about with this huge pair of scissors that I was trying to grab. Well I'm ashamed to say I slapped her round the face as it was the only part of her I could reach without being stabbed and she was so hysterical. She calmed down (briefly) and I got the scissors off her. Told her to go to her room and agin she refused. I had to pick her up and physically put her in her room. I've told her she's not coming out this evening. She has such a temper and when she gets like this is horrendous. I don't know what to do - help. And please don't tell me off for slapping her, I know I shouldn't have.

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Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 16:25

BTW - I've read "How to talk so your kids listen......." And I was doing all the "I can see why you're upset that this card isn't going to plan........"

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Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:33

I'm not going to tell you off for the slap.......sounds like she was hysterical, she was also in danger from the scissors, as were you!, and sometimes a short sharp shock can calm things down enough to get safe again.

you know it wasn;t ideal, but you made her safe, which I personally think is far more important, so don;t feel guilty for it.

you now need to find out why she got like it.....maybe her feelings and anger were so intense she scared herself???

and also, find ways of being able to (hopefully) handle this should this happen again (altho I do hope it doesn't).

ConnorTraceptive · 14/02/2008 16:33

Blimey - no advice really but I don't condem you for slapping her face must have been very frightening to have her waving scissors around like that.

dustystar · 14/02/2008 16:33

I think that sometimes talking to them when they are angry actually makes things worse. I find it better to deal with a tantrum with as few words as possible and then do the reasonable chat later on when they are feeling more reasonable. This isn't a criticism - just something i've found with my own children.

Also, I realise you are both upset and need time to calm down but sending her to her room for the rest of the evening is too harsh. Its too long a time at her age to be of benefit. Much better (IMHO) to send her for a shorter amount of time and then when she is calm try to talk about what happened.

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 16:38

I will get her out of room before the end of the evening. She's still rampaging around the room screaming and kicking the door so think I will leave her for a bit. When she's nice she is so sweet, we were planning a Valentine's dinner for the 2 of us (her idea) as dh won't be back till late.

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Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:39

and FWIW, I have resoerted to this before with my DD1 one when she got completely hysterical (and IIRC she was either 8 or nearly there, and I always reckoned it was a hormone surge as they come at that age!), and it calmed her down enough for me to get her safely to her room (she got like it on the stairs by her toddler brother and I could see a catastrophy occuring!).

she never got quite so bad again, and I have never ever needed to slap her since either, so in a sense it worked rather well.

I think the shock from us both tho ensured the anger never got quite so intense again, altho she did sulk for a couple of days......which was good as I could calm down too and when we apologized to each other (I wrote her a letter in fact, as I felt she would 'listen' better), we both knew we meant it.

it doens't mean it has been an easy ride since tho.....oooh noooo......we are both far too alike and volotile, but it has been easier to stop befoer we ever get that bad again, IYGWIM.

smartiejake · 14/02/2008 16:40

No I agree. I think I would have done the same thing in those circumstances- she could have seriously injured you or herself.

You have made it clear that her behaviour is totally unacceptable by sending her to her room and not letting her down again. I think a child of nearly 7 is old enough to know that this is an unacceptable way to behave.

7 is an awkward age; if you look at some of the other threads about behaviour and development you will realise you are not alone in experiencing these problems.

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 16:45

Psychomum - I think me and dd are both too alike and volatile as well . How do you stop it before it escalates? Do you walk away or have you found something else that works.

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Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:46

7/8/9 are all horrid ages I have found......well, they are for the girls at least.....am still learning with the boys as my eldest DS is 7 at the moment.

in fact, for girls their hormones have a surge about 8yrs which turns them temperarily (sp?) insane irrational, (rather like our PMT infact), and boys have their at 5, which so far is my hardest age with my sons!!! I do know that I prefer my DS1 now he is 7 to DS2 who is 5 and a little shit horror

just wait till they hit 11 and puberty tho.......they all act as tho they have been cloned by aliens!!!!

Eulalia · 14/02/2008 16:46

Oh God have I got this to look forward to? dd is 5 (6 in April) and I thought it would get better.....

Notquitegrownup · 14/02/2008 16:46

This sounds like ds1 was at nearly 7. He's now nearly 8 and so sweet, I could eat him! He is a perfectionist, a very thoughtful person, who would react this way, particularly when tired. I found that the start and end of termtime would be tricky times, and that it is worth cutting down on play dates, keeping life fairly quiet. We've been quite fascist about bedtimes too.

Now ds2 (4.5) is another story altogether . . . !

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 16:48

She's shouting for me (still crying), is on the landing. dO I go or is that admitting defeat?

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Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:50

eeek.....advice........

not great at that as I am still learning and shifting the boundries with mine.

one thing I do find works is telling them when I am having a grumpy day and when I am short on patience.....they tend to listen and become aware of how to react to me, and act around me.

it has had the good effect of them telling me when they too are feeling 'out of sorts', and more cross, which means that should they start getting shouty with each other, I can either shout 'word', which is our cue for things getting out of hand and walking away, or someone (normally me), will quitely say to the grump child...."go to your bedrrom to calm down and come back when you feel able to cope with us again".

It doesn;t always work, and it isn;t always ideal time wise either (the biggest streses nowadays seems to be getting into the car), but me just saying 'word' is often enough.

Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:52

go give her a hug.....she is as scared of her anger as you. it isn't admitting defeat, it is you showing her that you still live her....

Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 16:53

love even

Miggsie · 14/02/2008 16:53

I was like this (according to my dad, I don't remember). Terrible frustrated rages like Donald Duck!
She had probably built up in her own mind what she was going to do and could not cope when something went wrong, my DD is the same and so is DH, Mr Perfectionist...when she has calmed down and rational tell her that anything she makes for you is fantastic. I got my one to take two steps back, take a deep breath and count to ten when the mercury anger is rising! Mostly works now and sometimes she counts to 10 in french to show off what a clever clogs she is. Preferable to screaming fit though!
I also do yoga and she is interested so I showed her the calming stuff. It's a question of emotional mastery and experience to cope with negative emotions when they burst in on you, very tough at any age and especially when little.
Once I howled like a dog when she was tantrumming and she was so surprised she stopped...

dustystar · 14/02/2008 16:55

We use soemthing called 123 magic that works really well for us. Its designed to help parents with stopping unwanted behaviour and starting desired behaviour (eg getting ready for school). The idea is that you don't get into any conversation with the child about what you are asking them to do (or not to do). If they don't do as you ask then you raise 1 finger and say'thats a 1'. Give them 5 secs and then if they are still not complying you raise 2 fingers and say 'thats a 2'. If you get to 3 fingers then you say 'thats a 3 take a time out'. You are not supposed to get involved in any discussion with the child during this and have to stay calm and keep your voice even. DH loves it as he says he finds it really hard to stay calm and say the right thing when the children are playing up but this tells him exactly what to do.

Bridie3 · 14/02/2008 17:01

I really think girls this age can get hormonal--almost overwhelmed by something. My daughter was equally volatile at the same age.

She's nine now and much calmer.

Heifer · 14/02/2008 17:01

I find that when my dd loses it (she is only 4 though) that she can't calm down herself.

I would go up to her room and give her a cuddle, and if she calms down explain to her how dangerous she was with the scissors etc.

My DD kicked of last night for the first time in months and I ended up going into her room and just holding her - not saying anything as that seem to infurate her, so ended up cuddling her and rubbing her back.,.

Now I am sure that it will be different with a 7 yr old but will she calm down herself if you leave her in her room?

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 17:26

Well I went and got her, we had a nice dinner as planned. She is now insisting I get her a drink, I'm saying she has to get it (just wants water). So now she's thrown herself on the floor and is screaming saying she can't get up.

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Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 14/02/2008 17:30

I tried the 1-2-3 thing, she has crawled into the itchen and is now sat on the floor with an empty cup crying. Aggggggghhhhhhhhhh

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avenanap · 14/02/2008 17:41

I would have done exactly the same. Don't feel guilty, her actions were dangerous. My son's 8 and is going through an emotional stage. He cried on Saturday when I told him I was going to make him a toasted sandwich. He's also cried because I've let him have some chocolate. It makes me very sad. Just explain to her that you love her but it's not acceptable for her to behave this way. Tell her that it upsets you and makes you sad.

Psychomum5 · 14/02/2008 17:43

you have my sympathies........I don't think she'll calm down completely tonight by the sounds of things, as she sounds like she has exhausted herself with her tantrum.

She'll probably need sleep and hugs before you can speak to her calmly, so for now I would just be as gentle as you can be with her, (within reason as she does still need to be aware that she was naughty and you are cross ), and lots of hugs....it is valentines night after all which is the night of loving each other.....

and then tomorrow, see if you can both sit down and find a way to sort out possible hysterical tantrums before they get to the hysteria bit.....maybe a word that either of you can make as the code word for time-out, or even tell her the counting method which sounds like a fine plan too!

smartiejake · 14/02/2008 19:47

There is a method which I have used with kids at school called "turtle." It's from a PHSE scheme called PATHS developed for deaf children but a useful tool for all angry kids.

We talk to them about calm and angry colours and get them to recognise when they are approaching red. (We use a traffic light as a visual aid)

As the child starts to lose it they take a deep breath, head down arms crossed over chest, count to ten and walk away breathing deeply. They take them selves away to a different room until they have calmed down.

I had one particular child who had the most awful anger management problems who used this very successfully. He learned to recognise when he was losing it and was actually very proud of himself when he managed to calm himself down.

cory · 15/02/2008 08:23

The tantrum in itself doesn't sound that out of the way for a 6 yo; just unfortunate that she happened to be holding a pair of scissors IYSWIM. At least she didn't deliberately go and get the scissors to attack you with- that would have been worrying.

Don't think you dealt with it badly either. A slap under circumstances like this is different from beating someone up and she will understand that.

Once she calms down, she will probably be repentent and you can reassure each other.

My dd used to get hysterical at this age, though fortunately never happened to be holding any scissors. She calmed down once she got to 10 or so, and now copes with difficulties in a mature way.

But if it is any consolation, I had 7yo ds doing a crying tantrum last night, lying down and stamping his feet and flailing his arms outside his room last. I left him to it as he wasn't doing any harm to anything or hurting anyone.