Too busy to come to the table.....

[Othersideofthechannel]

DCs are 4 (almost 5) and just 3.

They generally eat well and varied - not worried about their diet.

But I am getting increasingly frustrated with them not wanting to come to the table at mealtimes. Some days I dread saying 'food's ready' because it is so often greeted with groans, shouts of 'no' or them running upstairs and hiding under the covers of their beds. They would just rather play.

Anyone else's DCs do this? How do you manage it?

I usually insist that they sit at the table to talk even if they don't want to eat and they end up eating loads. But it is a battle to get them there. When they sit down they eat well and sometimes even end up having cheese sandwiches at the end of the meal (after dessert) because they have eaten all the other food I prepared!

Today I held off lunch hoping one of them would say 'I'm hungry' but ended up having to persuade them to sit down because I was sooo hungry. We had breakfast at 7.30 am and lunch was at 13.20.
For the evening meal, as soon as I said food was ready, they decided to play dressing up. They kept coming in and out of the kitchen in silly outfits. They saw I was eating and I explained that I when I had finished the mealtime would be over. No interest in eating.
When I had finished I got them ready for bed. Neither I nor they mentioned the missed meal.

I just assert my authority Othersideofthechannel !

Yes, kitchen timer rings a lot in this house, particularly for taking turns with the toy of the moment.

I think they must be picking up on my vibes because although they sometimes kick up a fuss about time to leave for school etc, it is only occasional whereas the mealtime thing is at least every other meal (breakfast excepted).

But how MAS?

I did post about this the first time DS went to bed on an empty tummy because too busy playing. Even if I carry them to the table, I can't make them stay....

What I mean is, if they don't care about whether they have the food or not, what other leverage have I got?

I just tell ds when it's time to eat ( or whatever) - he is always interested in his food though,so it makes it easy, but with other things he doesn't care for so much ( maths homework/other tasks) I just tell him,not shouting, just firmly that that is what he's to do...I just expect him to do as I say. No doubt he'll rebel when he's a teenager and that'll teach me !

And if he doesn't want to do it?

he just does it - and he's a stubborn boy too !

What about exercise before meal times? Surely your lo's must get hungry after exercise? My ds is ravenous after swimming.

I think also that ds is older than your children, so would expect him to do as I ask, though he was always ok as a little boy too...I'm not saying all this to make you think I'm some paragon of motherhood, far from it..it's just the way we are..I've always had boundaries and things done a p`articular way..maybe I'm too rigid, but ds seems secure in all this...

Yes, they are hungry after swimming but I haven't yet plucked up the courage to take them alone (we go at weekends when DH can come). They are so hungry afterwards that changing would be a nightmare if I was alone and then we have a 25 min drive home.

I will try the exercise just before mealtime thing but it is really hard to get DS to go outside in the winter. He doesn't like the cold and is happy playing with his toys inside. Now he is at school he doesn't have enough time to play with them. And DD usually wants to do the same as DS.

We do have boundaries which is why I am posting. I was looking for ways of getting them to respect family mealtimes. I think it is important for them to come to the table even if they don't want to eat. Otherwise I would just shrug it off and say 'oh well, they'll eat at the next meal'.

Yes, I probably have to stick with this evenings tactic for a while but do it every time rather than sometimes persuade or in DDs case carry her to the table.
I feel ok about doing this with DS as he is old enough to think ahead but I feel DD is a little young. They live so much in the present at that age.

We've had 'If you don't come to the table then it's straight to bed' which worked.

I tend to lean towards MaryAnn's view. Not that mine would necessarily obey my first call- but rather than waste my time on persuasion I'd go and get them. To the extent of actually taking them by the hand and leading them to the table if they didn't jump straight up when they saw me (very annoying for an 11yo to be treated like a baby ). I'd make sure they came once I'd called them. Calmly, firmly, inexorably. Though naturally giving them time to close down any games/save on computers etc- the sort of time I want for myself when dh is cooking. If I've said they're going somewhere, they are going.

Difficult to lead by the hand a determined 4 year old who is hanging onto his bedhead...

Is there really no other way than to either turn into a struggle of physical force or just let them miss the meal if they don't fancy it there and then?

I never found it particularly difficult, I've got as many hands as he has, and both of them much stronger.
But no, it's not the only way and you may find something else suits you better. You can withdraw privileges. Or work with distraction techniques, get him talking about something so interesting that he doesn't notice you're leading him in the direction of the table. Lots of different ways. What I would not do would be to let a 4yo (or an 11yo) for that matter believe that I was not capable of making them do what I wanted. Once they've learnt that you do intend to get your way (even if sneakily), subsequent encounters start getting easier.
When he is calm, it may be worth pointing out why you want him to come to the table even if he's not hungry, that it's about being polite and making you feel appreciated.

Totally agree cory...

excellently put cory !

I haven't actually tried the reasoning at a calm time yet so will do that. And carry on showing I mean business by not feeding anyone who is not present at mealtimes.
Have tried distraction, if they have decided they do not want to eat they run off as soon as they realise what it happening. The more I think about it, the more I realise it IS about not doing what I want rather than whether they are hungry or not because I said in OP, sometimes they eat loads when they finally get to the table.

For the record, strength wise I can just about carry my son when he is ill or tired and WANTS me to but when he is struggling, hanging on to everything we go past like the bedhead or banisters I can't because I need two hands to hold him and then I don't have any hands for prising his fingers away. Besides, although I have resorted to 'dragging' him to the table, I want him to be coming because it is polite and if he takes the time to think about food for 5 mins he will realise he is hungry.

I don't think dragging isn't the answer. Like you number6, I try only to physically enforce when it is a matter of safety. DD has been forced in her car seat many times!

DS said he was really hungry this morning but didn't eat anymore than normal. He is always hungry in the mornings!

DD slept longer than normal!

We had the calm chat about me not being appreciated. I compared me cooking a meal and them refusing to come to the table to them drawing me a picture and me refusing to look at it.