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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

what is a good answer to "but I don't want to go to nursery..."

63 replies

time4tea · 05/02/2008 09:26

I always like to give a good explanation to DS1's questions. it is a good nursery, just for 2 days a week, and he joins in happily once he is there. explaining "Well, you need to learn things to be able to enjoy and take part in everything - reading, stories, playing with people, learning about other countries and animals etc" doesn't seem to make much impression. i do tell him I accept that sometimes we would all rather loaf around at home (which he loves), but it is good to get going and do something new with other people...

any tips on dealing with this one?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FrannyandZooey · 05/02/2008 10:26

oh when he was younger I used to say "ok, we just need to go and tell the ladies that you are not coming otherwise they will worry where you are."

when we got there he invariably went in as usual and got on with it

if he still dragged his feet when he got there I would think 'well what is going on, why doesn't he like it?' I don't really get why we send children to places they don't enjoy and pretend it is for their benefit.

BettySpaghetti · 05/02/2008 10:27

On the rare occasion that DS says he doesn't want to go I tell him has to go, just like his big sister has to go to school.

I also remind him that he does lots of fun things there and enjoys it.

AdamAnt · 05/02/2008 10:35

F&Z - very true.

AdamAnt · 05/02/2008 10:37

Although if you work while your DC is at nursery, then you can't afford to be so laissez-faire about attendance.

OrmIrian · 05/02/2008 10:52

ahh desi - the older reverse psychology ploy! But what if all that happens is that DS jumps up and down and says 'Great! I'll go and play with my dinosaurs now"

JingleyJen · 05/02/2008 10:55

Depending on what is happening I tend to say to DS1 - Ok you don't have to go - but if you don't go we can't go to X Y or Z afterwards as we had planned. I don't mind which we do - you choose.
He always chooses to go to nursery.

GooseyLoosey · 05/02/2008 11:00

Conversation in Goosey household with dd (3):

"I don't want to go to nursery, Wahhhhhhhh"

"Ahh, I know sweetheart, I don't want to go to work either and would love to stay here with you, but I have to."

"Why mummy?"

"Because mummy has promised to be there and I have to work as I only get money to buy new toys and other things if I go to work. You can stay here on your own if you don't want to go to nursery though."

"Oh, OK, off you go then mummy. I'll go to nursery."

Original poster

time4tea · 05/02/2008 12:29

great. DS is nearly 4, and I do sympathise with him generally, It is a newish nursery so he isn't as "in" with specific children as a thing to tempt him in.

I used to hate "tough" or "you just have to" when I was a child so try to avoid it. but maybe I'm just arsey

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 05/02/2008 12:51

My twins have just started (3yrs) for 2 mornings and I'm a happier and calmer mum for it- despite the fact that they do not actually need to go as I'm a sahm.So a truthful answer would be 'For my sanity's sake you need to go.'don't think they'd actually get that though!

Tommy · 05/02/2008 13:23

good one gooseyloosey - is that "How to talk you your kids so that they listen"? - it soiund slike the sort of answer they would suggest.

I say "I sometimes don't want to go places but I usually find I like it when I get there"

or "well I'm busy today so you have to"

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 13:46

Ah, now Orm, that may well happen one day, but it hasn't happened yet

bossybritches · 05/02/2008 13:51

How about "Ok let's just go and tell that you don't want to go & have fun today."

Hopefully said carer will pick up the theme when you get there & make it SOOO attractive he'll want to stay.

(alternatively he'll have forgotten about it on the way & go charging in as usual!!!)

Never seen it backfire yet

(crossed fingers,3 hail mary's)

SaveScrabulous · 05/02/2008 14:46

I get this every day that ds has to go to nursery even though he seems to really enjoy it when he's there. He says 'no, mummy day." if I mention it's nursery the next day! I either ignore it or sometimes say similar to others' suggestions re I have to work or we all have to do things we don't want to.

Another good one is, if they say they want to be a pilot/ policeman whatever when they grow up, tell them 'but if you want to be a policeman you have to learn things at nursery so you can become a policeman.' That has worked well with ds who really really wants to do a specific job when he's older (bless him he wants to be a bin man so actually wouldn't really need to go to school for that but still he needn't know that!)

FrannyandZooey · 05/02/2008 14:48

AdamAnt well no, in that case it isn't for the child's benefit and I would explain that it is essential. As I said if I am working or have an appointment I tell him "you have to go today, because I have to do X, and there isn't anyone else to look after you."

suzycreamcheese · 05/02/2008 15:02

I tell him ...its his work!
to learn and play and such..
dad goes to his work, ds goes to his...

and we meet again at lunch time!

i agree though if he just wants a lazy day and its do-able, then i do it..
if its on going then try and find out catalyst...

suzycreamcheese · 05/02/2008 15:03

lol at your little binman to be, bless!..savescrabulous!

mumtorhianded · 06/02/2008 09:26

My son tried this and the trick is to persevere. He will make friends he will find 'X' interesting.

When he was being difficult, I said "you have to - its the law. Mummy will get told off by a policeman if you don't go to playschool" which seemed to work.

Whatever you do, don't stop him going cos that just starts a very vicious circle.

HTH

kitbit · 06/02/2008 09:42

ds no! I don't want to go to nursery! I can't!
me ok.
ds I can't! (bottom lip wobbles)
me ok, that's fine! Would you like to go and play with today?
ds (brightening) yes! yay yay yay
me ok then! off we go!

best friend is also at the nursery.

We are going through an "i can't" phase so I find it's useful to say "ok then", then rephrase the question. eg
me time to put your coat on!
ds I can't
me ok then. left arm ready?

Also think ds is trying to manage his own world so I try and give choices such as "do you want to wear the blue jumper or the red one to nursery today?" the nursery bit is always there but he has a choice over the other bits. Seems to help as he is being given some control.

Acinonyx · 06/02/2008 10:08

We have this converstaion regularly. Today went like this.

'I have to go to work today like daddy and I can't play with you while I'm working. You are going to nursery so you can play with your friends while mummy is working.

When you are big like mummy, you can go to work too. '

In the beginning, dd thought I was going to 'play' somewhere (!) and I wanted to be very clear that I wasnot playing without her - I was working which means I can't play with her. She seems to get that, and that one day she will work too. Sometimes I mention money etc.

blueshoes · 06/02/2008 10:10

time4tea, occasionally dd 4.6 will say this, usually because she is tired and went to bed too late the previous night (we are working on that ...).

My response is as others have said:

Remind her of her friends and how they will miss her

What activities they would do today in nursery school

Ask her to choose something to bring in to show her teacher/friends. She can hide it in a secret place like her pockets.

Ask her to think about what she wants for breakfast/lunch (she goes to breakfast club and has hot lunch on site) and who she wants sitting next to her

Let her wear something special to school to show her friends, like a vest with Ariel on it or something, but within the boundaries of the school rules as she has to wear a uniform

Dd is quite extroverted and will generally respond to one of these things. I understand what you say about ds1 not being 'in' with the children yet, but it will come in time. 2 days a week is difficult to cement friendships.

If all else fails, I tell dd that even if she does not go to school, I have to go to work and if she wants to stay at home, she will be all by herself (a prison sentence for her. Thankfully she has not called my bluff - however, I do have a live-in aupair who can cover me at home, if I needed to get tough.

I sometimes say that it is the rules she must go in and I will need to write a note to the teacher to explain why she is not attending. But that usually backfires as she gets quite taken with the idea, lol.

Rantsalot · 06/02/2008 10:13

DS only recently started nursery (he is 3) and I sometimes get that, but also I get "you stay at nursery and watch me Mummy, YES!" quite alot.

I just tell him he has to go and that I can't stay, but it does sometimes mean he gets upset. So, if anyone has a better way of dealing with it I am all ears too!

ChasingSquirrels · 06/02/2008 10:15

I used to tell ds that he had to go today because it was arranged, but if he didn't want to go anymore then he had to explain to the playgroup leader that he wasn't coming anymore because "it is boring" (his words).
Needless to say as soon as we arrived he had far better things to do than telling her it was boring!
I also told him that while he didn't have to go to playschool, he would have to go to school, and when in the first term of school he said he didn't want to go I just said "tough, you have to".

Rantsalot · 06/02/2008 10:16

We are in Europe though, and ds is around children speaking another language so I feel really bad for leaving him on the one hand (he is extroverted at least, so he is quite happy once he is there) but I know it is important that he learns the languate. I do think he still finds it daunting to have whole mornings with children that he can't communicate with properly yet, though .

Rantsalot · 06/02/2008 10:17

language

kitbit · 06/02/2008 11:31

rantsalot, exactly the same here, ds is now 3.5 and went through a period of real frustration when he started nursery because of the language issue. He found it hard particularly when other kids didn't share, or pushed etc as he didn't feel he could do anything about it so we taught him several simple words and gestures (obv one, put his hand up and say "no!" rather than hit back) which sounds really obvious but this simple thing helped him through it and now he's picking up the language gradually and gaining confidence

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