Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Will ds (21 months) be traumtised for life is he goes away for a week and comes back to find a new baby in the house?

44 replies

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 13:55

After endless fretting about what to do with ds1 (21 months) when ds2 is being born, I thought I had come up with a great solution. SIL (my emergency childcare person) offered to take him away to MIL's house (i.e. ds1's grandmother) along with her dcs for half term. SIL knows ds very well, and he adores his older cousins.

Yesterday mw asked me what I was going to do with ds1. When I told her of this cunning plan she said it was a really bad idea, and it could upset him to come home and find a new baby in the house, and that some children never forgive you for this sort of thing.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

colditz · 02/02/2008 13:58

Um, welll I think your midwife is being a little hysterical, but there are certainly wiser ways of introducing a new baby to an existing one.

Look at it like this. You Go to a health spa, come back, and your husband has moved his best mate in. He now spends all his time with the best mate, although he assures you he still loves you, and you just came home and he was there!

Twiglett · 02/02/2008 13:59

I'm with colditz

I don't think this is the best of ideas personally and I certainly wouldn't do it

RTKangaMummy · 02/02/2008 14:01

How much does he understand about the new baby

Has he seen any other preggers lady then with a baby?

What ever you do please DO NOT be holding the baby when you first meet him afterwards cos he should have a hug with his mummy not with mummy and baby in her arms iyswim IMHO

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 14:02

do you know for sure when the baby is going to arrive? (eg have you a cs booked?)

I think going away to stay with SIL for a bit either after or before the baby is born is a good idea, if you think he'd cope ok for that long, but not so that he comes back to find the baby has appeared

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:05

I guess my alternatives are:

as above.

dh looks after ds1 and doesn't come to the hospital (not the end of the world, but not ideal).

hire an emergency childcare person (£16 plus per hour), who ds doesn't know from Adam. Not sure how he'd like that.

Don't know what to do now (short or praying that ds2 arrives before half term starts).

OP posts:

3Ddonut · 02/02/2008 14:09

Can your ds/ MIL not stay with you for a while around the time of your due date?

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:10

No, don't know when ds2 will arrive. Due date is 10th, half term is 11th-15th here, but SIL would go away on the 9th or 10th.

Not sure how much he understands about the baby. If I talk about babies he points at the bump, but it is impossible to say if he knows what is coming.

Very aware of the 'not holding the baby when I first see him' thing - went through all that with a neurotic dog last time.

OP posts:

RTKangaMummy · 02/02/2008 14:10

Why can't SIL come over to look after your DS while you are in hospital or he goes there for the day?

RTKangaMummy · 02/02/2008 14:11

XXXX posts

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:14

MIL won't stay with us because SIL (favoured child and grandchildren) is going to stay with her, and they have complicated arrangements for that week. At a push, she might be persuaded to bring ds back as soon as the baby arrived, leaving SIL at her house (4 hours drive away).

My parents staying isn't an option btw.

Al other people who vaguely offered to help out weeks ago have now remembered that it is half term and they are away.

OP posts:

PooperScoop · 02/02/2008 14:15

Doesn't everyone have this problem? SIL can have DS once you go into labour can't she.. then when baby is born, she can bring him in to see you.. can't she? Or if this is impossible because SIL is away, is there not a friend who could come?

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:16

SIL would have ds at her house if it was this week or goes into the week after half term (can't come over - just had her car written off, great timing!), but has to go away now at half term to sort out the car thing.

OP posts:

littledawley · 02/02/2008 14:18

This may not be at all viable but have you thought about a home birth?

We have no family nearby so I was really worried about what to do with DS. As it turned out, he slept through everything and woke up to a new baby sister! She was in the crib that we had already set up in our room - I went into his bedroom, told him baby had come and he ran straight to the crib, very excited. He was 2 at the time.

3Ddonut · 02/02/2008 14:18

I suppose you'll have to decide if it's more important to you all for your dh to be there or your ds to be home waiting for his brother or sister. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's a shame to have to choose. Are you absolutely certain that there is no-one else who can take care of your ds?

flamingtoaster · 02/02/2008 14:19

I definitely wouldn't do it. When I was in hospital for a planned c section when DD was born, DS (then just over 2) was fine the first day he came in to visit. Climbed up, looked into he crib and said "Hello, baby", was delighted with the present from DD, etc. By the third day he wouldn't speak to me at all which was very unusual because he was a real chatterbox all the time and I began wondering if he thought I had moved into the hospital with the baby and wouldn't be coming home. I asked him could he please be sure my fluffy slippers were by the front door when I came home because Daddy would probably forget, and he perked up immediately and talked endlessly about what we would do when I came home. Their minds do work in strange ways - you could end up with a DS1 who won't go anywhere in case when he comes home another baby has appeared! Hope you can find a solution!

3Ddonut · 02/02/2008 14:20

That sounds like a lovely idea littledawley. Sounds like it was a nice birth for you all

RubberDuck · 02/02/2008 14:20

Well we did this (ds1 stayed at SIL's for a couple of days while I went in for an early induction) and I can't say ds1 was horribly scarred

He was a little older though, to be fair (3 years old), we prepared him before hand so he knew why he was going to SILs. And I even sent dh to go get ds1 a little early because I missed him so much and wanted him home with us - didn't feel right without the whole family here.

Ds2 was asleep in his moses basket when ds1 arrived home, so I suppose it was non-confrontational when he met him. They've always had a good relationship (apart from an occasional blip) and they're currently playing beautifully together.

Make of that anecdotal evidence what you will

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:20

I guess another alternative is to get dh to drive up to MIL's and retrieve ds1 as soon as ds2 makes an appearance.

Going to ponder this some more.

OP posts:

Heated · 02/02/2008 14:23

Actually this is what happened to ds (was 2yrs) when my 2nd was born, primarily because there was a possibility of complications and I didn't want to worry about ds and his care and I certainly didn't want to 'do' labour in front of my ILs or ds. It helped he's been on holiday before with ILs.

It worked really well, ds so looking forward to his holiday & he had a fantastic time. Baby asleep in her crib on his return, big fuss made of him. He was really excited about the baby. The next day baby had a present for him for being her big brother. It's been absolutely fine.

RTKangaMummy · 02/02/2008 14:23

What about someone else in family could they help out with driving DS to a halfway point to meet DH ?

serenity · 02/02/2008 14:24

It worked out OK for us, but DS1 was slightly older at the time (2.4). DS2 was induced so we knew the date. DS1 went to my BFs on the Thursday night, I had DS2 on the Friday, got home around 8, so left him there. He stayed over Saturday and Saturday night as he was enjoying himself, and I ended up driving down with DS2 on the Sunday morning because I missed him DS1 knew that we were going to 'get' DS2 whilst he was at BFs house, we did lots of belly/lotion rubbing so he could feel DS2 move to try and make him real for him and it seemed to work. DS1 never had a noticable problem with DS2 turning up.

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 14:25

so why didn't MIL help out, at your house? why has she arranged for SIL to come and visit at this time when you could really do with her assistance?

Original poster

MuffinMclay · 02/02/2008 14:25

Too scared of having a homebirth (ds1 rushed into scbu after birth). Don't want to take any chances. And would be worried about disturbing my neighbour.

OP posts:

RubberDuck · 02/02/2008 14:25

Ooo yes... baby had a present for ds1 on his return (a much wanted stuffed toy wooly mammoth - he was in to Ice Age in a big way at that time ) - that helped, I think, because this baby had turned up and the first thing he'd done was get ds1 a present How cool are siblings, in that case?!

morningpaper · 02/02/2008 14:27

Friends will surely be MORE than willing to help. It will only be for a few hours or maybe overnight.

Do you have friends with children, or does your DS have a best mate?

I can't believe I would turn down a friend who made this request to me! I'd be over-the-moon to help her out at this special time.

Flip

1 2