8yo dd still hasn't a clue how to get herself ready int ime for school. am so tired of having this conversation/argument

[jellybelly25]

My dd (8) has an inherent inability to get ready for school no matter what incentives/punishments she gets. I'm not expecting magic answers but I just want to vent a bit. I'm exhausted with it. We've been doing this battle since she was four, and not a fat lot has improved.

I cannot tell you how many star charts we have done...She doesn't even remember she has one half the time and nothing ever works for longer than a couple of days at best. One day is usually the limit. I can stand there going 'you won't get your star if blah blah'' or 'if you get ready quickly today you will get another star!!! WOW!!!' and she goes 'ooh ok' and looks happy, then just.... doesn't.

I feel like bombing her room to be honest. This morning I have chucked out a load of plastic animals she was fiddling with instead of getting ready, but that sort of punishment doesn't really work because she'd just fiddle with something else. I am qutie sure that if she had nothing but a bed in her room, she would find a way to fiddle with that instead of getting ready.

And standing at the door going 'it's time to go' whatever state she's in, no shoes, no bag ready etc, just doesn't hit home either. she still can't remember what she needs to do to get out

I just want to know if anyone else's child is like this at this age?

No No NO no telly before school. I banned it last June, and it made our lives a little easier (tho' I'm verging on banning pre-school lego now too)

2sugars, if dh won't comply, take the plug off the damned thing.

The baby is 9mo and not reliably sleeping through the night which also makes me not at my best!! My alarm goes off at 7.30am and I have to have about ten minutes to wake up, unless I'm already up with dd2 (baby). We leave at 8.30. dd1's alarm goes off about ten mins later and she then usually tries to get into our bed and go back to sleep, or goes for a poo and stays on the toilet for fi ages picking her nails (AAAAARRRRRRGH!!!) I am often in the shower at this point, yelling at her to get on with it. By about 8am I am getting dressed and dh is changing the baby's nappy. And dd1 is supposed to be dressing but is probably still on the toilet, or making faces at herself in the mirror whilst waving her toothbrush in the general direction of her mouth. Cue 'GO AND GET DRESSED!' which then takes about twenty five minutes for some reason. I dont' eat my breaskfast until I come back from school.

I would love to stand over her and dress her but I just dont' have the time or the patience to be honest... and she would probably like it.

Yes I'd love one of those. I have pointed at the clock and gone 'when the BIG HAND gets to HERE you need to be downstairs' or setting the alarm, but it doesn't work.

We have no tv in the mornings. my dh used to do that too and finally when he had to get her to school once or twice he realised what a pain it was!! if we had tv in the morning she wouldn't get there until lunchtime!!

how old is she? re cycling to school i mean

I so identify with all this with my 6 nearly 7 year old DD. Isn't it just so BORING having to remind them to clean teeth, brush hair, go to loo, eat breakfast etc etc. I get bored of the sound of my own voice saying it all. I don't have any answers, I'm afraid, rather than the usual combo of shouting, threats of no computer, threats of cancelling swimming/playdates/birthday parties etc. I bought my DD an alarm clock, but now she is setting it ultra early so....she can get up and read and play more before school! I do like the idea of ringing the headmistress (or pretending) to say, sorry she's late because she's not ready! I am obsessively on time, so it is a sort of paranoia to me about getting to school on time! Anyone know when they grow out of this?

Why don't you bring her clothes into wherever you need to be (e.g. getting the baby ready) and make her stand and get dressed in front of you. Nothing to distract her and it all has to be done.

Sounds like she isn't capable of taking responsibility for things yet and that you will just have to stand over her and make her do these things - including violin practise.

The more she's left in her own room, the more things she will find to distract her!

I also think that if you're a late/disorganised person then this probably isn't helping . Are you really giving everyone enough time in your house to get up and get ready? How about getting up half an hour earlier to get yourself ready first?

JB, your DD sounds like my DS, age 7.5. He can find just about anything else to do except get ready for school in the morning. What I've found that works for him is his hot button, which is his Nintendo. If he's not ready to leave for school, dressed, eaten, brushed and homework done, then computer, Nintendo and TV is banned for a day. It also helps that his school will charge £1 if a child is not in proper uniform each day. (not that I've ever seen this enforced, but my son loves money, so this is a good incentive for him!)

I'd say find your DD hot button and tell her that she'll lose it for a day if she's not ready on time.

By the way, I've got a DH who takes the boys to school most mornings. He's never ready and has to rush out the door every day. There's a lot of tension and stress on those days. The few days I take the boys, they know that we leave the house at 8:15 and punishment will be activated if we're late. I must say that on the days that I take the boys to school, we leave no later than 8:20 and all are dressed, washed and fed, even me!

Just my opinion,
JandDmom

OK, jellybelly, i have two suggestions:

1. You get up earlier. Sorry! But it's a lot easier to be calm about the chivvying along process if you're not racing to get yourself ready too. I ALWAYS shout on mornings when I'm late getting up.

1. Give your dd some kind of incentive. Ask her what it should be. Something that acknowledges how grown-up she is being and how much more you can trust her to look afer herself. For ds1 it was being able to walk to school on his own (don't know if your dd would like this or even if you live close enough).

Any help?

jellybelly25 - i haven't read the whole thread but we're discussing very similar over here but with boys!

maybe have a read and see if we have any different suggestions!

Good Luck

My 8yo Ds1 is like that,and excatly how PPh describes herslef as a child.

For the last 2 years ds1+2 have had a small list of things they have to do before school -Get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast, clean teeth, bags ready, shoes and coat on.
Now in my mind 4-5 of those can't even be done with leaving the house but without fail I have to nag every morning to get ds1 to do them....and in actual fact today he went to school without cleaning his teeth or making his bed so even with the nagging it still doesn't work.

TBH I don't think there is a solution, we just have to suffer it!

Sorry I can't help but have the same problem with my dd (7). It's exhausting and sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out. Will watch with interest for tips!

I think you are expecting a lot of her tbh. Some kids are motivated and understand how to do things, and others just aren't. Probably because you have a small baby you expect her to do a lot on her own - like the violin practise etc because things have to work that way. I was like this but ds1 was 5 when dd was born, poor thing.

It's a bummer if you have one that isn't organised- but I don't think any amount of shouting or bursting into tears is going to help. Like PPH says, she just isn't getting the connections and the consequences.

She is distractible isn't she. Bring down her clothes, pass her one thing at a time in order, while you are getting breakfast ready. Eat breakfast. Have toothbrush downstairs.

Help her out a bit, you'll all have more peace that way.

ok, this is my routine - I don't think an hour or less is enough time to get ready, especially when you have a baby.

My routine has been pretty much the same since dd was at nursery (she was 3.5 and ds was 7 months old, plus dh leaves for work very early so I've always done mornings alone)

6.30/6.45 - get up, give ds bottle, have cup of tea, then breakfast for me. Change nappy.

7.15 - wake up dd, make her breakfast, make packed lunch

7.45 - I get washed/dressed, bring children's clothes downstairs, ditto toothbrushes.

8.15 - get/tell/help children get washed dressed etc. Check book bags, calendar etc.

8.45 - get coats etc on. Leave house!

9.15 - come home, make cup of tea and log onto MN!!

It doesn't always go like clockwork, but it mostly does.

Oh and i do have sympathy too by the way. If I send ds2 upstairs for a pair of socks he comes down fifteen minutes and says 'What was I getting again?'

ooh, I feel for you. I have a DD who is 'away with the fairies', as coined by her reception teacher, she is now in yr9 and nearly 14 and is slightly better, so it si going to be a long battel I am afriad, but one that does get easier eventually.

One thing I founf was a very strict routine in the morning, and it also means being strict on myself!

(and I have 5, so I also understand the family and baby aspect too!)

I always put bowls, cereal and plates on the table the night before.

uniform is on the banister, or when they were all lots smaller, on the back of the settee ready for when we come down

lunch boxes are made and in the fridge the night before (with the long-life stuff like water/drinks/snack in the school bag)

scool bags packed and checked and by the door the night before

any extra's, ie PE kit/music stuff/after school club items etc, by the door too.

coats and shoes ready in the hall if room.

tootbrushes are in downstairs bathroom as well as upstairs for ease of use and time.

I then set the alarm for at least 1.5hrs before we leave the house. In our house we wake at 6.45

we get up, showered (I find mine lots better for a shower in the morning rather than at night as it wakes them up).....clean teeth, make bed, get dressed and are downstairs by 7.45am (and that also includes hair doing aswell for the girls)

breakfast for the older ones while I do fruit/juice/toast and have a coffee

older girls are collected at 8.05am and the younger ones are either still having breakfast or now ready too.

if lucky they eat and are done with shoes on by 8.20 so TV for 10mins, if not and I have PMT then shouting lots ensure we are all done by 8.30 and we pile in the car and collect friends two on the way.

I get back by 9am, collaspe in a heap with y 2nd coffee and breathe a huge sigh of relief that we are again done for today!!!

yes I know i should get up earlier and i knew someone would say that. there are mornings when i could do that, but other mornings the baby is having her early feed so it's more difficult. but in any case, what would i do with the extra time? more shouting?

if i bring her into the room with me or go in her room she is actually worse - it makes her expect more guidance - she will literally grind to a halt until i am screaming at her just to put one leg in her trouser!

incentives and punishments really and honestly don't work. really. i have tried them all... she is the kind of child who would be happy to play on her own with a dirty stick and a saucepan which is a really good attribute but it means nothing really gets to her in that way, lol.

so you see i am really at a desperate point with this! but thankyou for all the suggestions, i will digest them and probably try them all in a rejigged way, it cant hurt! it is nice to know i'm not alone!

ive just told her she is going to bed early so she can get up earlier and she said 'ok, that means more sleep and i'll be really on the button tomorrow! can i watch garfield?'

Issy, I like your solution.

I'm going to stop being a mostly SAHM, and get an au pair.

As a matter of interest, if you said "Yes, if you are dressed, breakfasted and ready by 8:00 you can watch Garfield" would it make any difference?

She sounds lovely jellybelly!

FWIW, I think 100x is spot on. They all get there in the end - with a lot of encouragement (and gritted teeth) from us.

And it's hard when you've got a little one to deal with too.

Keep repeating to yourself, 'It's just a phase!'

jellybelly i don't know if anyone has suggested this or not but would it help if you got dressed together? I know you have said she's not phased by much but would a little 'light hearted' competition in the morning help

My DC love 'beating' me to get dressed first and then sitting and laughing at me while i 'pretend' to fall over or put things on back to front!

lol, probably not! she would look a bit sheepish and then ask me something random about space...

yeah maybe i am expecting a lot of her... but it's quite hard when I know that other kids just get on with this stuff, I wonder why mine can't?!! And obviously I know that crying doesn't help, it was really an illustration of how fed up i am...

lol @ issy's dd... knicker hats are the most becoming kind of hat

and yes that's also my concern - i want her to be able to do this stuff for herself not just because it's easier for me but also because i want her to feel confident doing things for herself - she is very independent in other ways, eg can make herself (and me!) snacks, is good at self-entertaining and can hold really good grown up conversations, but just falls apart with anything practical like this!

(can you tell i am cheering up... all the nice things about her are coming out now!!)

sparkles thats not a bad idea actually... she races dh quite a lot when he's around...