Delicate subject -Inability to orgasm

[shyerthanusual]

since having my babies I am less able to orgasm (assisted or otherwise!)
It's not about being too tired or not in the mood, I just mean the simple mechanics of my body don't seem to work as they used to. I am in my late 30s.
Anyone experienced this?

How long ago did you have your children?

I remember reading something somewhere about a link between orgasm and fertility, something on the lines of you are more fertile when you orgasm, so it was something like natures way of preventing you becoming pregnant too soon again.

It may well be load of twaddle, but I do remember reading it!

I do think sometimes that when you have young children your attention can be elsewhere (unconciously) and that can make it harder to relax and be 100% involved. I have been guilty of doing all sorts in my head, whilst my body was elsewhere!

At least you have been able to have an orgasm, many don't ever, my MIL never had and couldn't understand why we had sex if we didn't want children(in the days when we were living together, and used to sleep together at her home, she said she thought it very odd that we got pleasure from it!)

My GP says that your body is also starting to change around 38-40ish, it is the beginning of the peri-menopause, the 7-10 year run up to menopause. I can rememeber having a lot of menstrual probs at that age and that he told me that sexual dysfunction is a very common complaint amongst this age group

This won't help matters for you, but my DH says I suffer from premature orgasm! Five minutes and it's all over! I do think that sex does get shorter as you get older, unless you make time to have a good session. I know we have to try and wait until our two teens are aout for the evening before we can get down to anything on the sofa instead of in bed!

Not on anti depressants are you?

Good point willow2, that happened to me when I was on Seroxat, used to go on for ever without getting anywhere!

Me too, on Effexor - it drove me mad! Mentioned it to gp who just looked embarassed and changed the subject!

Sorry shyerthanusual, not sure what to say. I hope some of the others can help. The only thing I can say is not to get too strung up about it, as this makes things worse!

not on any medication, not depressed, my youngest is 3, no plans to have any more, not really worried about it as such but it seems a bit of a shame. I must stress it is nothing to do with being tiredit is genuinely as thought my body does not function like it used to, ie just can't get turned on in that dept - have a good relationship with hubby, no probs there.

"go on forever without getting anywhere" describes it to a tee

Tried extra lubrication? I found using a small amount of vaseline did wonders.

Just found your thread shyerthanusual. How long is it since you had your last baby? My friend had a baby 11 months ago(terrible birth, forceps etc) and she was so worried, as she said she had no sensation at all, but last week she said her sensation is returning. Is this famililiar to you? I also had a terrible birth(see other thread) and think it will take me a long time before I can even have sex at all! Personally, I have always found it quite difficult achieveing orgasm, certainly never can without manual stimulation(my own). Maybe you need to try different stuff than before, either 'mood' wise or physically, if you know what I mean. Is it that you maybe require something different in an emotional way for example? Or are you worried that it might be that you've 'changed' physically? If that's the case, then I can imagine that even just the worry of this will interfere with any arousal. Sorry, don't know what to suggest for that, (do any doctors specialise in this kind of thing?) except that it does seem more and more that we women can get so caught up in these worries that they do interfere with our pleasure. Probably try not to worry would be the best advice, maybe you are different now, but if you can still enjoy fun with your dh, that's the main point!(it does sound like you still can orgasm?)

Catt - doesn't Vaseline perish condoms? Something to bear in mind!

Well, shyerthanusual, I'm in the same boat, I think. Early 30's, 9 month old DS, not too tired, husband still lovely, but don't seem to press the same buttons as we used to.

Orgasms haven't completely gone, but very damned elusive, tend to just around the corner but then never arrive.

My conclusion is two fold - one that actually more sex, even when I don't really feel like it, rather than less might be helpful (personal theory that 'sexualising' our relationship again might help) and also (god this sounds Marge Proops), trying some of the, ummm, more exotic activities is appealing.

Not that I have got around to doing this yet, but I'll let you know what works. Hubby isn't going to know what has hit him!

You're right SoupDragon, definitely no vaseline with condoms!! I'm on the pill.

Since having DD 2.5 yrs ago, when alone, I can do it 2/3 times together which is great if lonely. But, I find it so hard to get in the mood with DH & him trying to turn me on becomes a chore for him the knowledge of which makes me feel worse & take forever to get going...I feel like any libido i ever had fell out with the baby. Having her in the next room doesn't help, & DH suggests I might like to wear stockings & leave the light on, horror:celulite, not really a turn on for me I think.
Well, just wanted to get that off my chest as it is not something that ever gets discussed face to face..
But back to the point, my body definitely changed but it doesn't do me much good.

Try KY jelly, it's the biz!
Since baby no 4 I've definitely found my body is less responsive, but am also the wrong side of 40, so could be the pre-menopause thing.
I am still nuts about dh and would love to be like him, ie raring to go any time!
Have threatened to start my own female use of Viagra trial!
I'm sure it's to do with less good blood flow to the perineal and vaginal tissues...

Does anyone know a good website where you can buy lubricants and maybe sex-toys-for beginners? I can't imagine going into a sex shop but would love to try a couple of things out. By the way, I've changed my name for this thread!

Libbym,try Anne Summers on the high st.Don't be shy about going in it's just a normal shop,you could always wear a big hat and glasses.Not sure if they do online you could try.HTH.
Shyerthanusual,there is a website where you could ask or trawl through for your query called www.embarrassingproblems.com

Yes, you can buy from Anne Summers on line

Shyerthanusual,
Just a thought - do you masturbate? Might help if you practise by yourself a bit. Sorry to be brief - in work!

I can't believe that after being a silent witness for so long that this would be the first thread I make a contribution to!
Have you tried doing pelvic floor exercises, apparently these can improve anorgasmia, and generally give you a greater awareness of that part of the body and retrain the muscles after the assault of childbirth and pregnancy

I think your body definielty changes after babies. Not surpring really given everything it goes through. Can't imagine anything being in the same place as it was before. I'd suggest some serious experimentation. Its too easy to try the things that used to work and get frustrated. Try some new positions or other activities and maybe you'll find that those elusive spots have just shifted around a bit Also I think its much harder to get in the mood with babes sleeping not far away. Maybe you need to set the scene a bit more or even (now this is something I dream of) get someone to take the kids overnight and perhaps treat yourself to a break away. A change of scenery might work wonders. Must be frustrating but at least you can have fun trying.

Here's a few other sites that might help you with your quest!

The first I have bought stuff from and is a secure site the 2nd I'm just saving up to buy a tongue II!!!!!!!! - Mmmm, wonder what father christmas would say if I put it on my list.

On a more personal note - I have always had trouble reaching 'target' even on my own, I do get there eventually and now even quicker with the help of my battery operated friends used solo or with DH - he's more than happy to 'cut the time down'. Also I find reading or watching 'stuff' a big help if I am alone as sex is a mental as well as physical thing.

Anway here are the sites.

www.blissbox.com/
www.lovehoney.co.uk/

Here's a few other sites that might help you with your quest!

The first I have bought stuff from and is a secure site the 2nd I'm just saving up to buy a tongue II!!!!!!!! - Mmmm, wonder what father christmas would say if I put it on my list.

On a more personal note - I have always had trouble reaching 'target' even on my own, I do get there eventually and now even quicker with the help of my battery operated friends used solo or with DH - he's more than happy to 'cut the time down'. Also I find reading or watching 'stuff' a big help if I am alone as sex is a mental as well as physical thing.

Anway here are the sites.

www.blissbox.com/
www.lovehoney.co.uk/

wow, I've just been reading everyone's advice, might take it myself!

How's it going shyerthanusual?

Buy yourself a Rampant Rabbit from Ann Summers or other sex shops. Your only problem will be NOT coming. My friend came three times in the commercial break of a movie. And she has kids and is in that Kevinandperry menopause thing. Use it on your own then get dh involved.