How do I help my 5-year-old to socialise?

[imaginaryfriend]

My dd seems to be getting more and more shy. She's always struggled socially but at parties would join in a bit with games like musical statues etc. We've been to a lot of parties lately and she seems to spend most of the time sitting as close to me as possible. I've thought about leaving her but she gets hysterical at the prospect and won't go unless I promise I'll stay. In any case I think she's just as shy when she's at school and I'm not there.

Today we went to a really sweet birthday party - just dd and 6 other girls, all from her Reception class, all really lovely girls. I watched her and, no exaggeration, she didn't say a single word the whole time to any of them. Not a word. Not during games, tea, anything. She didn't say hello when we arrived or goodbye when we left. And what worried me even more was that none of the other girls seemed to expect her to, like they're used to her being separate. They all chatted to each other about their dresses, what they were doing etc. and dd sat by herself fiddling around with whatever was at hand.

I understand shyness, being shy myself, but I do wish there was something I could do to help dd. I can't help but feel that the longer she goes without friends, the harder she'll find it to make them.

She does have 2 friends who she sees outside of school who are dds of friends and she's very friendly and chatty with them. We've known them since they were about 3 months old. However if we ever see the 2 friends at the same time dd doesn't even try to play with either of them. It's like she can only do one-on-one play with someone she knows extremely well.

Any tips on confidence building?

I totally agree HG. Dd tried two ballet lessons and hated it so we stopped. She does seem to enjoy using her body though with the gymnastics and swimming. She's quite confident inside her body if that makes sense? I think it builds her esteem.

I have to say that my dp is less 'forgiving' about her shyness. He never comes with me to parties and when I tell him how dd is he either says it's my fault for mollycoddling her or that I'm exagerating and she's fine. He also believes in the 'no nonsense' approach, that I should tell her to go and get stuck in and be aware of not spoiling things for other people.

I did an MA in dance movement therapy and even though I'm a fairly high functioning adult I found it so difficult to interact with other people on my course, when we did theses experementals where we had to dance move about with others. I found I didn't make eye contact and often went on my own to a corner of the room. Anyway The RELEVANCE of this is that we have to learn ways of interacting and widen our social vocabulary, and I think your dd may really benefit from doing some kind of dance/movement class because it really helps you to express yourself in ways that you didn't know and its okay to be on your own in a class and it doesn't require any verbal communication but it can prompt verbal communication. I have taught dance movement in special schools and with autistic children and the results are amazing. I'm not talking about formal ballet although I don't discount it. If you live in London, Greenwich Dance agency do great classes as do the laban centre but there must be some in alot of places and you can go along with her too.

if its any help, i was (and am, to an extent) very like your daughter. and i have to say what my mum said she used to tell herself 'as long as she's happy in herself, don't worry'. and i genuinely was. keep up with the swimming, something i enjoyed too, and keep up with her out of school friends.

with the in-school thing, i can remember never seeing the point of putting my hand up, because, as i said to my teacher once 'i know the answer, some of the other's don't'. maybe your daughter has a similar outlook...?

IF - that must be rough if your partner is like that. I think that if everyone we came into contact with was more accepting of children's different temperaments, I'd probably be much less inclined to worry.

HonoriaGlossop - I think you are right that a lot of children act shy at this age. In a way, I think that is why I am keen to get my DD settled into some activities that she enjoys. I think it is easuer for her to join these activties when a lot of the other children are new and displaying shy behaviour.

If she continues to act shy when she is older then hopefully she'll already have established herself in a couple of activities that she enjoys. If she changes and acts less shy as she gets older, then no harm is done.

Gymnastics and Raibows seem perfect for her and we will revisit swimming because she needs to learn how to swim at some point, but maybe we'll vet the teacher a bit better beforehand.

I had a feeling she wouldn't like ballet even though she esaid she really wanted to do it. Partly it could have been the rigidity of the dancing but since my DD doesn't join in movement and music at school in yet does wonderful interpretive dancing in our living room, I suspect it was performing in front of other people she did not like.

I'd love her to do dance/movement classes and I know the Laban centre very well. Greenwich is also just down the road. I don't think dd's ready for that just yet though, she really is painfully self-conscious about things like dancing in public. She even finds PE at school a bit excruciating when they're doing things like pretending to be toys (last week's activity apparently!) But she loves the more athletic part of PE. She has incredible posture, everyone's always telling me how she sits with such a straight back. It's just natural, she doesn't even try.

luminar dd doesn't put her hand up because she thinks the answer is too obvious / she doesn't want to get it wrong / she thinks she won't be chosen. Those are the reasons she's given so far anyway! It's a no-win situation isn't it? Too easy / too hard / no point / fear of failure. How can a 5-year-old make something so complicated???

Today, my dd was the same with ballet. She does amazing dancing at home but in the class she just kept looking over at me with a really pained, embarrassed expression on her face.

Stagecoach has really helped dd a lot, I think - she LOVES it and the teachers are so kind and lovely. I'd say 90% of the kids doing it in her class are there for reasons of confidence/to have fun rather than any serious aspirations to the theatre...

hi can I hijack slightly and say your dds sound like really lovely people just individual, I'm glad you've found that there are a few of you around. I too agree that they will do well in school and be really popular as people get older (and move away from My Little Pony) they will also hopefully be above all that cliquey girls stuff that goes on!! The hijack is to ask dinny what she thinks about the property market?

Hi, 1dilemma...have we spoken on another thread about it before (property mrkt)?

personally, think I wouldn't buy at the moment, that's for sure!!!

dinny, can you clarify what Stagecoach is and how / when you do it? Sorry if you've said so in more detail earlier, I'm in too much of a rush to go back through all the messages.

what job did you end up doing, out of interest? my dd seems really imaginative...

Hi Dinny,

Sadly I was really crushed by my Mum and by the experience of secondary school. I went to an all girls' grammar type school and caught up with my reading age, so felt a bit mediocre and inadequate. My mum couldn't understand why I wasn't outstanding any more, and I hated it. I went on to do a degree in history which I loved.

Careerwise I settled for tedious office work that paid the bills until I gave up to have my DS. I've always been a voracious reader and still enjoy writing and crafts and being creative. I'm still an oddball ! Covered in tribal tattoos, lots of piercings, a devoted Norse Tradition Pagan. I'm a happy person now though. I've accepted that I'll never be mainstream and have one or two close friends and a devoted husband rather than a hectic social life.

We are seriously considering home ed for our son (he's still only 7 months though) as we both had rubbish experiences at school. He already goes to Town Tots and baby gym so I'd rather he socialised doing something he enjoys.

Hello IF, I am off MN atm but couldn't resist a peek and saw this

dd1 is EXACTLY the same (as you know)

I have decided that she seems happy alone, I have spied on her a few times at the playground when collecting dd2 from the attached nursery and she is always chasing after someone or standing with the teacher. Never really seems to be 'with' anyone. But she seems happy

if I say "who did you sit with today?" she says "erm....> X and Y" as if it didn't matter

I am also a loner, don't really have any close friends and am happy with that. Always been a bookworm (although chance would be a fine thing atm )

I did ballet with dd1 (had to stay for about 4 weeks with the first 2 weeks she sat on my knee!), this HAS made her a tad better physically. She could move up to the older group now but wants to stay with dd2 (3yr) and the younger ones, I think it gives her a boost feeling as though she is 'the best'. So she is staying there and I am ignoring everyone who asks if she is in the baby class still

Parties are a waste of time. But again, she seems happy sitting with me and then every now and again telling someone off for "running too fast" or something sensible and unlike a 5 year old

I am going with the flow for now, encouraging her to be herself as long as she seems happy

(we are emigrating this year and I am all of a wobble at how this will affect her tbh, although she seems excited. We will see.)

Snippety - sorry to hear your mum wasn't too sympathetic, but you sound like you have blossomed as an a young adult/adult. do you mean what job do I do?

IF - here is a link www.stagecoach.co.uk/stagecoach/html/country.php?cid=1 - it's quite pricey (works out about £12 a session) but also good value, I feel. Honestly, was dubious about it but dd really really loves it, and we went to see her in their Xmas play and whilst not madly confident she was happy and SO proud and joining in. Even dh (quite a sceptic!) thinks it is really really good for her. Chek it out, your dd will love it if she is as like mine as she sounds!

OO! I knew this thread would appeal to you if you were around

As always your dd sounds very like mine. Mine spends parties sitting on my knee and at one recently she even sat reading her book!!!

dinny, stagecoach does look good, unfortunately for us the closest class doesn't do the younger age group. It's definitely something I'll keep in mind for later though.

Snippety my mum was eternally disappointed with my not 'reaching my potential'. I really held myself back a lot because of shyness / lack of confidence. I left school at 15 with 2 O levels in English and Art. I so don't want it for dd. Although for me it worked out fine in the end. I returned to education aged 19 and did A levels, a BA, an MA and a PhD. All of which I loved and threw myself into. So, you never know what's going to happen. I think I had to do it in my own way when I was ready.

That last sentence just about totally sums up the way dd does things in hindsight ...

also, sometimes I think we over analyse things

I don't know about you lot, but I had a spell of thinking was she on some sort of spectrum (after various odd behaviour and episodes) and went on websites and sent myself mad. But then compared her to some on here who do have a diagnosis and she is not like them either

I think she is a square peg trying to fit into a round and hopefully will fit in somehow or somewhere

her teacher says she is a perfectionist and very sensitive so I imagine she is hard work at school but what can you do, she is who she is

my problem is comparing her to dd2 who is 3 and a social butterfly, has friends and playdates already, can ride a bike and climb - dd1 hesitates on kerbs sometimes! - etc etc

need to stop doing that really and just accept that they are very diffferent children and both lovely in their own way

Oliveoil, I had dd at audiologist recently as was convinced she must have a hearing prob.... hearing is fine

I'm 40 next year so definitely an adult. No - I was quoting your post from the previous page to try and make it clear which point I was answering- can't get used to this forum malarkey.

I eventually did my degree as a mature student and I think I got much more out of it than I would have at 18. I really wish that I'd been encouraged to believe that I could succeed in the things I was interested in when I was 9 or so - archaeology, writing and mythology - as a career, I mean. Parents and teachers just used to say "Don't be ridiculous".

My son already seems to love other kids and can't get enough of socialising (although that consists of grabbing other folks' hair and noses at the moment). It has made me get up off my backside and go and talk to people which so far has been a very rewarding experience. I've made one really good friend who's fab, and found a local Pagan group to celebrate with through going to a local breatsfeeding meet up. It's difficult to remember that he probably isn't like his father & me at all. I hope I can support him however he turns out.

I can easily accept that my eldest daughter will never be one to invite attention.

My reasons for wanting to help her cope better with her anxiety in large group situations is because I don't want her sitting out of activities that secretly inside she is dying to have a go at. That's what I was like and still am a little and I don't want that for her.

Today, I know what you mean. I see my dd watching her very gregarious friend with something like envy and I wish she could just have a little more confidence. Just to enable her to do the things she most wants to.