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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I don't think I can do this anymore!!

36 replies

Mummy2TandF · 15/01/2008 19:18

Sorry in advance for this post but I don't know where else to rant. I have a ds of 3.2 and a dd of 1.3 and I really can't do this anymore I know that we have all been through a really rough time since August when my dh suddenly passed away, but in the last few weeks things have just got too much for me. Dd is at the age where she still can't express what she needs or wants so she whines all the time and ds is so whiney all the time, he doesn't stop from the minute he wakes up until the minute he goes to bed - I can't even go to the loo without them both coming in with me! I know, I know that they are bound to be clingy and I know that they have had such an upheaval but so have I and I have been doing my best to get through this and I don't think I can do it anymore Everyday is a struggle, it's a fight to get them both dressed, ds has to argue and disagree with everything I say. Am sitting here sobbing now because for the last hour ds has been screaming at me that he wants a nappy on (has been clean since 2yr5mths) and I mean screaming - no let up, I tried talking to him calmly, tried putting him in another room, even tried screaming back but nothing worked. I was determined not to give in to him because he when does get his own way he seems to be whiney and more demanding because of it. I suspect because I am a bit down they are playing up but I try so hard not to let them see that I am upset, they don't see me cry for example and I have tried to keep their routine the same as before. Please tell me that this is just a normal stage at thier ages because I am sooo worn out with this, I need a break from both of them, even for an evening but it is not going to happen, so I need wise mnetters coping stratergies(sp?) please. I want my happy children and happy family back. Both dc's are in bed now, so am off to open the wine, will check back later

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MinkVelvet · 15/01/2008 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarcicalAlienQueen · 15/01/2008 19:21

have you tried contacting HomeStart (I think that's who I mean) - they may be able to send someone round to help (not sure exactly how they work).

Is there absolutely no-one that could look after your DC one evening so you can go out? No mums from toddler groups or anything? Perhaps you could contact the local college and see if someone doing a childcare course would like to do some babysitting (the tutor will know which ones to recommend and which ones to avoid so will only give you the decent ones to try)??

Original poster

Mummy2TandF · 15/01/2008 19:22

Ds goes to nursery, he has just started doing 4 mornings a week, I think this might be the reason he has got worse, he gets so tired but won't sleep - if he does give in and sleep it is usualyy about 4:30pm and then of course he doesn't want to go to bed at 7:00pm and I need them to go to bed at 7:00
I don't really have any friends or family to offer practical help with them, am quite alone really since dh died

OP posts:

MinkVelvet · 15/01/2008 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kandymouse · 15/01/2008 19:31

Oh my god. I'm so sorry to hear that. I was feeling the same today and I have Dh and only one 6 months old...I have so much respect for you for giving them routines and not showing that you are so upset. But maybe after your Dh passed away, you wanted to keep things all normal for them so you haven't had any time to grieve and it's all coming later emotionally and they are sensing that as well. Do you go to any toddler groups? Maybe you could find some friends where you live or try netmums online?? It must be so hard and I'm sorry that I can't give you more help as I'm only a newbie mom but I'm sure somebody wise will come along soon.

Octothechildherder · 15/01/2008 19:37

Your poor thing - boys go through hideous behaviour phases anyway - hopefully he will get over it soon. But most importantly, you need to find some help and get out and meet some new people - have you thought about a toddler group/music group etc or a bereavement group maybe?

Where are you - maybe we could find you another mn'er locally?

Hope things improve soon xx

dosydot · 15/01/2008 19:44

[sad ] I know how hard two toddlers can be. DD is 3.0 and has started to have major tantrums all revolving around control
And I imagine your dd is just finding her mobile inquisitive self.
I can understand how you need them in bed by 7pm if you have no support you will need that me time. I do and i have support.

Please if there is anything i can do to help please let me know as i am in southend and you are not too far away.
Even if you want to meet for coffee when your ds is in nursery so you can have a rant

meep · 15/01/2008 19:45

You sound so brave Mummy2T&F and incredibly selfless for not letting your dd and ds see your grief - that must be so hard. I had a peek at your profile and they both look utterly gorgeous and smiley - I know they aren't smiley all the time but hang on to the good moments and they will get you through.
Can your HV help you get some help so that you can have a wee bit of time to yourself?

dosydot · 15/01/2008 19:46

by the way your dc and dh look lovely in your profile pics

thewill · 15/01/2008 20:15

sorry your havng a tough time, its not much help, but mine are the same ages and giong through the same stages. They are just phases and will pass, but you are really doing so well, managing to keep it all together. My Mum went through the same when I was one and my sister was 5. It will get easier, its hard with two toddlers at the best of times, but you should be proud of yourself for looking after them so well. I hope things improve for you.

DutchOma · 15/01/2008 21:27

Whatever else will change or stay the same, the weather will be brighter in a few weeks and that will help. Meanwhile my love, go careful on the wine and if you want to talk to someone, especially on a Tuesday, I'll be about for another hour or so. You have the number, if not e.mail me?

Original poster

Mummy2TandF · 15/01/2008 22:09

Thanks everyone for your messages, DutchOma - don't worry I haven't gone mad on the wine - a couple of glasses and have chilled out a bit now, It's just that every day is such a battle, I really can't see how I am going to get through it, feel like I have been deserted by friends and although my mum is around during the day, the dc's seem to play up more when she is around and then I am more on edge because of how she is viewing their behaviour.
Thank you for the suggestion about the local college, I may try them, but I am worried because I haven't really left them and am worried if they wake while I am out and somebody they don't know is here ... am off to do ds's packed lunch now, at least he doesn't have fruit shoots hey

OP posts:

TheMNPeacekeepingForce · 15/01/2008 22:12

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through.

I know this won't help much but I wonder if you can discuss how you feel with your ds. Maybe it might help if he understands you get sad too about your dh not being there anymore and although he is so young maybe if you express how you feel to him about losing your dh maybe it will help him find the words/ express himself better about it all.

It must be so hard. Find anyway you can to take care of yourself as well as your little people.

Minkus · 15/01/2008 22:30

You really sound like you have been through an awful lot and are doing a great job of lone parenting in such sad circumstances.

A very close friend of ours died fairly recently and his wife has had a lot of support from an organisation called Widowed and Young (WAY)- www.wayfoundation.org.uk/

Maybe worth a call to see if there is a group near you? I know our friend has found their support invaluable, they run groups across the uk with social stuff for whole families as well as just adults.

Good luck
xxx

jufleur · 15/01/2008 22:30

Hello. I am just thinking about your message and you and your situation. I maybe being controversial here but I'm wondering if some of the problems come from you not showing how upset you are and possibly some of the grief you must feel at the loss of your DH and your children's father. If it is diificult for you to show your grief then maybe the children (even though they are very little) are finding it difficult to show theirs. Children are incredibly perceptive and will know that you are upset however hard you try to hide it. August isn't that long ago and feelings will still be raw. Children sometimes need us to show them how to express themselves when they are unsure about to do it themselves. Your ds sounds very angry and will be missing his dad. If you can find the strength then talking to your children in the simplest of terms possible about how much you miss your dh, how sad, and perhaps how angry you feel, about him dying may help your children to express how they feel and help to find genuine ways of showing their probably very mixed bag of feelings instead of playing up and acting out. And it may help you to let out some of the grief you are no doubt feeling, instead of feeling that you have to bottle it up. Your children will not be damaged or hurt by seeing you upset. It will show them that you are human and acknowledge that they are upset too. They will more upset by the feeling that they are not allowed to feel anything about the loss of their dad. If it is too difficult for you to manage on your own there are organisations or groups that will be able to support you and your children to express how you all feel without it becoming overwhelming. However you must feel you really are not on your own. And you are doing a wonderful job. It must feel awful to be where you are now. It won't last forever and you will get through it. Talk to your children and be good to yourself. We're all thinking about you.

smoggie · 15/01/2008 22:34

So sorry to read this Mumy2andF. Can't imagine how difficult it's been for you.
Just trying to think of any practical solutions.....you say your mum is sometimes around during the day...is there any way that she could look after dd for a few hours on a morning whilst ds is at nursery so that you can have a few hours by yourself - even if it's just to clear your head and come to terms yourself with everything.
Sometimes a bit of space works wonders for just getting back on track a little.
Definitely try Homestart and your HV they will have info on all sorts of local groups. Above all, don't try to do this on your own. THere will be support groups/help available I suspect it's just a case of knowing where - your HV can start the ball rolling. Good luck - God knows you deserve a bit of it.

DutchOma · 15/01/2008 22:50

Nah, didn't think you were going MAD on the wine, M2TandF, you certainly deserve a bit of cheer after a long hard day.
Did you follow up the link to the WAY foundation?
It is too easy to think that nobody and nothing can help you and certainly you seem to be let down by so many people that nobody can blame you for being discouraged.
But there are good suggestons out there and only one person who can follow them up - unfortunately that is you.
Tomorrow is another day, try to do one thing on one day at the time.
Lots of {{{{hugs}}}}

Original poster

Mummy2TandF · 16/01/2008 00:38

jufleur - I think you may have misunderstood my post - I have showed the children that I am upset, but I just haven't completely fallen apart in front of them, they don't need to see that - also, my ds talks about his Daddy everyday, and I talk about him freely aswell (although it breaks my heart) I don't want them to forget him but at the same time I don't want them to dwell on it IYSWIM. Only this evening during dinner dd called out Dada and ds said - Daddy is not here anymore, he died, he can't come back , so it is something he understands ..... it's just so hard to know if his behavious this evening especially is due to over tiredness, grief or just being a 3 year old boy.
Minkus I have looked at the WAY website and will join but at the moment the joining fee is holding me back (pathetic isn't it), I have joined another site for widows, which is a support as everybody is going through the same thing.
Smoggie - I did contact the HV and she came round once for a chat but I haven't heard from her since. My Mum looks after my nephew during the week and says that it is too much for her to have 2 children at once, so there is no option for her to give me a break. I am in contact with Winstons Wish though, they have been very good and call me once a month to see how I am getting on, I have found that a great support. But tbh, I really think I am just going to have to plough through this on my own - I have made it this far and will carry on, MN has been so good to me. Thank You all

OP posts:

sarahanna · 16/01/2008 01:03

mummy2tandf
am in tears reading your post and the kind replies
you are amazing doing what you are doing - you must remember that
do you have a supportive GP? if so would be worth going for a chat with him/her. they can refer you to a counsellor and provide support and also let you nkow about local organisations.
agree it would be great for you to meet other mums - a mother and baby group etc
sorry for asking this - but do you think you might be depressed??
good luck x

sb6699 · 16/01/2008 01:03

Unfortunately if they have lost a parent already they are bound to be clingy. Asking for a nappy is a form of regression so maybe he just needs some extra attention just now - probably starting nursery has brought this on and hopefully it will pass.

Given what you have been through, you are bound to have days like this - feel free to rant as much as you want - it will do you the world of good to get things off your chest if you don't feel you want to break down in front of your dc's.

Sorry I can't be of any "professional" help on your situation but wanted to let you know I am reading your post and thinking of you - you are a very brave lady and your dcs are lucky to have you as their mum.

Bubbaloo · 16/01/2008 01:49

Mummy2tandf-Please get in contact if there is anything you need and although t and f don't know me I would be happy to babysit,if you wanted a night out.
Even if you fancy meeting up during the day to let the children play and to have a chat,I'm always around.x

GColdtimer · 16/01/2008 08:40

I am so sorry to hear things are so bad. It does sound like you could do with meeting other people in RL who could help and support you. I would willingly pay your membership fee for the WAY foundation (call it a belated not so secret santa) but I feel that you probably wouldn't accept it. However the offer is there. Alternatively, do you know how active the Mumsnet local site is for your area.

Dosydot - do you know if it is active in essex?

However, how do you feel about asking for additional support and meeting new people? Do you want to? That may be a difficult barrier you have to overcome but will pay dividends in the end.

Thoughts are with you.

Beetroot · 16/01/2008 08:42

Mummy2

Have you called the Samaritans. They can be a real support, you can call night or day, and as often as you want.

Hulababy · 16/01/2008 08:47

Have you been in contact with one of the organisations such as WAY or Winston's Wish?

chrissnow · 16/01/2008 08:51

m2t&f - found you!!! tis mistypeaks (as was) here. I've been thinking about you loads. Right I've still got your address from when I did the invitations. A cheque for $15 (why do I have no pound sign on this 'puter?) is being posted today. You have no choice but to accept it. Have you been in touch with beller recently? You know where I am if you need anything.

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