ON THE BRINK OF TEARS AGAIN THX TO 9 YR OLD DS1

[theladyevenstar]

I don't know where to begin,
ds1 is forever challenging me when i ask him to do something or tell him he can't do something. Last night I ended up smacking him after 3 hours of him laughing at me. I had asked him to go to bed and as a punishment for rudeness to dp he had to go earlier than normal, he proceeded to tell me, "put me to bed now and i will be up at midnight still" true to his word he was. I have a 15 week old ds as well and before anyone says is it jealousy NO this behaviour has been the same since he was about 5, so def not cos of ds2. He tells lies about me and dp, about my mum to me about me to mum etc etc, then on the other hand he will be as wonderful s anything and look after ds2 so i can have a shower or do something i need to.

Sorry i am probably rambling but i don't know what to do, it is not just a bedtime issue it is a behaviour in general, attitude as well. he has been tested for adhd, add and odd and he has nothing wrong with him, he has been to a child psychologist who says he will grow out of it and I am sick of hearing this as people have said it for 4 yrs now. I have just had a phone call from the school to tell me his class teacher wants to see me after school, I really don't need this crap...i am sitting here crying because i don't knwo what to do next i have even considered boarding school as i cannot see him ever changing and do not want him to go on making everyones life a misery. Unless I am putting m hand in my pocket for him he is a complete mouthy so and so, even screaming at me that i had the cheek to buy ds2 new vests and a toy and none for him...he has an ever ready supply of clothes and toys.
Dp will tell him off and support me in what i am doing in the way of disciplne but doesn't like to sometimes because of ds1's lies and him not being bio father, Bio father been gone almost 8 yrs so this is not the prob either.

Please help me someone i am at the end of my tether and do not know what to do next.

that's really good to hear - have you tried keeping a behaviour diary to see if you can pick up any patterns that trigger the behaviour. The lying may not be to be malicious it is possible that he is struggling with expressing his feelings and the lies spiral and he gets some form of result which satisfies him (sorry not explaining that very well)

Goth, i can tell you exactly what triggers it lol....me saying the worst thing in the world NO or would you mind helping.

The lies are malicious, for example, "you take me to counselling and i will tell them you beat me up and hurt me"

another example,

If i am upset then i hope i upset everyone,

you don't know what its like to lose a grandad.......

no but i know what its like to lose my dad (ds's grandad, and also lost my grandad yr before)

sorry got sidetracked there xx

sorry for the delay,
it sounds like he has been dealing with alot of loss and is finding ithard to communicate the feelings he has with you - it does sound as though some way for you both to communicate with each other is needed - I really do feel that the book I mentioned previously may help in giving you different techniques to try such as writing lists of ways to problem solve i.e you both write down together ideas to resolve the situation and then discuss each way and eachgive reasons for and against

totally agree with gothicmama that communication is needed between you obviously in a new way...his keeping on coming to the door and laughing and misbehaving, and the things he is saying about the counselling, you not knowing what it's like to lose a grandad etc, are clearly a child really asking for attention.

And it may be that, if you feel he has plenty of attention, that he is asking for a different TYPE of attention...often people fall into a way of talking with children that doesn't actually allow for real, heartfelt, person to person talking. I'm not explaining it very well - but as he's so bright, and behaving the way he is, I think he's trying to tell you that he needs something different. Could that be a possibility do you think? It just sounds to me as if he doesn't feel understood. And that's something that is just bound to come out in his behaviour.

I think you could certainly now try a whole new way of talking to him, focus more on sharing feelings and when you ask him to do things, try to give choices of what he can do so that he feels he's being treated in a more grown up way. It's got to be worth a try.

The 'how to talk' book sounds well worth a read and may help.

oh and I meant to say he may also need stronger boundaries? My DH is always saying how boys in particular really NEED to know where the line is.

For instance, 3 hours laughing at you....you have the patience of a saint to put up with that. Of course in the end you snapped and smacked him - I think the line needs to be drawn sooner, and clearer. But the thing I think is that this authority to set boundaries successfully actually comes from the good times. It holds no weight if the argy-bargy is just constant because the child becomes almost de-sensitised to it and it just doesn't matter as much. Whereas if you're relating happily most of the time, the change of tone from a parent when they are not pleased with you, can be devastating and effective. If you're constantly cross and they're constantly challenging then all the sanctions get used more and therefore get less effective, until you get to the point where nothing works.

i think it is a cycle you're in but I'm sure it can be changed, you just need to change your approach to him I think.

Well, you could always try picking your battles and limiting them to those which are lifethreatening or will hurt someone else.

Don't want to go to bed?

Who is that going to hurt?

Noone actually, maybe just a little tired at school next day, but that's hardly the end of the world.

Some children reject discipline earlier than others. Either you have a real power struggle on your hands, or you could move towards the role you'll increasingly have anyway as they get older - that of trusted advistor, you hope. And the less you sweat the small stuff, the more your advice is likely to be heeded.

Others have probably recommended Alfie Kohn to you already - it really could be a relationship saver for you and your son.

That's a point i had in my head and forgot to make emma - about moving towards a different way of relating being a necessity really - because he is getting older and you just need to move away from the punishment and reward model to that of as you say, being an advisor to them but not someone who can or should control every part of their day.

Well just a quick update, the school have given him a home/school book...basically teacher writes in it about his day and i write about his night/homework etc and we both sign to say we have read other ones writings. BUT right now ds2 is in his bouncer chair, ds1 is sitting beside me having great fun as we decide which colour to stick on the picture kit next......such a simple thing and he is all laughs.