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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to deal with 4 year old constantly saying "I hate you"?

40 replies

KTNoo · 02/01/2008 22:46

DS (4.7) has been saying things like this increasingly frequently. It's like it's become a habit as soon as he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

Example from today....we were having dinner at a friend's house and dd(6.6) is staying over. DS knew the deal, and we were to play with his castle together and play snakes and ladders (his choices) when we came home. But when it was time to go and he didn't want to he immediately started with the "I hate you", "You're so nasty" and (the best one) "You're the worst Mummy I've ever had" (pauses to reflect that I'm the ONLY Mummy he's ever had). After a couple of warnings I told him we would not be playing with the castle when we got home as that was not a nice way talk to me. We did play snakes and ladders though, so he wasn't bothered about the "punishment" really. Should I have been harder on him? I know it was hard for him to leave the friend's house, but he can't say things like that to me every time he feels angry. My friend was quite shocked and said none of her 4 children had ever said things like that.

He's a very emotional, heart-on-sleeve kind of boy, and equally he says "I love you Mummy" a lot and can be really affectionate. But lately he seems to get very very angry at every little thing, which is when the hurtful things are said. If he said things like that occasionally I would ignore it but it's all the time now. I have talked to him about how he can say he's angry with me but not say things which hurt my feelings as it makes me very sad. I know he doesn't mean it of course.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with this?

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Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:23

No really.

They have to go upstairs and make up a sketch about treating each other with respect, for example. I kid you not.

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elliephant · 03/01/2008 00:24

Not my intention to criticize you KTN, as, with four children who all appear to have inheirited my short temper, I have been in your place many times ( and always when my perfect friends around too. Why is this? ). I was just responding to your question regarding the fact that he wasn't bothered about his punishment.

elliephant · 03/01/2008 00:29

Can you imagine those children 20 years down the line when they have a row with their spouse- sorry dear, hold that thought, just have to nip upstairs and compose a three act play to fully express my anger that you havn't loaded the dishwasher

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:29

Elliephant, the "punishment" had no effect, it's true. As is often the case you have to think of something quickly. I seem to have 2 out of 3 with a short temper, but I like to blame dh.

ladymariner, I've never witnessed one of these infamous sketches, but she insists it gets the message through! I feel a bit intimidated by her sometimes....!

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ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:31

Don't be!! You are the normal one, hon, not her!!! Making kids perform apology sketches is way off normal!!!!!
lol at the idea of the dishwasher sketch!!

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 03/01/2008 00:33

Agree with Lenny. My SN 7 year old, who does not have anything like age appropriate language skills has unfortuantely mastered the art of shouting "I HATE YOU" and "YOU'RE HORRIBLE" at us as part of his ever growing delightful repetoire of obnoxious behaviour.

And we calmly respond "Well I love you..." and "Well, you're lovely..." before moving his attention along to something else.

It works. He, and I imagine any child, SN or not, is looking for shock value. No shocked/upset response, not point in carrying it on, at least on that occasion.

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:35

Thinking about it, I bet she knows you feel intimidated by her and that's why she says such unhelpful things to you, she's probably desperately insecure and comes across as super-efficient and confident in her parenting ideas in order to make herself feel better. That's why you've never seen one of these ridiculous sketches, they're probably someting she read in a self-help manual once!

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:36

Ooooh you could do

leaving the toilet seat up
going out 3 nights in a row
leaving dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor

(not that I'm talking about my dh or anything....)

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ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:38

And now it's late and I'd better bid you a goodnight before my tongue (well, typing finger!) runs away with me and I upset someone.
Chin up, hon, it's not you!!! Children do whatever they can to annoy the hell out of us and then they learn. Stick it out, you'll win in the end.
And your friend is weird!!!
Night night!!
xxx

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:41

shiny, agree that he's looking for a shock reaction. He wants to control everything.

Also must sleep - where I am it's an hour ahead!

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emmaagain · 03/01/2008 10:12

He doesn't MEAN he hates you.

It think he means he is angry with you, but he's got the wrong name for the adrenilin rush and general fury.

In that scenario I would

curse quietly to myself that my foresight and planning of castles and snakes+ladders was coming to naught
check my diagnosis was right "are you angry because I've just said it's time to go home?"
If so, then either you come the disciplinarian and have the argument, the removal of privileges, the leave-taking with kicking and screaming or mutinous toddler, or you do your best to mend the situation as it stands. I'd check with the Mum, see if it's ok to stay a bit longer. Maybe even for him to sleep over too, with you on stand by with the mobile phone for the bit when he wants to come home. Heck, maybe for everyone to sleep over - how come the children get to have all the fun and midnight feasts, hmmm? hmmmm? If it can't be mended, you say you're really sorry, it can't be mended and Mrs Biggins wants us to leave now.
avoid similar situations in future by making sure everyone is invited to sleep over, or having daughter go to one place for a sleep over while you and smaller child go and play elsewhere till bedtime. Or whatever.

If my big sister was getting to stay and play AND sleep in a place, however much I'd agreed to it in advance, I'd be pretty angry when the moment came to leave them having fun.

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 22:58

Thanks emmaagain. I did some of things you suggested but not others. I know he doesn't mean what he says. I said to him something like "I know you're angry and you don't want to go home but I don't want to hear you say things that hurt my feelings. Don't say it again." The next time he said it I told him if he didn't stop we would not be playing one of the games. He didn't stop so that's what had to happen. Then he stopped and leaving was okay.

There was no way I was going to let him stay over - he's far too young imo and wouldn't even want to. He just wanted to play longer even though he'd been there a couple of hours and had dinner there. I don't think it would have been right for him to say insulting things to me and then for me to tell him "OK then, we'll stay a bit longer."

Obviously I do my best to avoid these tricky situations but life's just not like that. I would have had to go to the friend's house anyway to drop off dd1, and ds not getting to play at all would surely be a worse deal for him than going in for a while? I have 3 of them, dh is away for weeks at a time - they just have to learn that sometimes your brother or sister gets a party bag and you don't, for example. (They are VERY good at negotiating party bag sweets off each other, incidentally!).

Today we had a few "I hate yous" and I tried deliberately ignoring him completely when he said it and talking to one of the other dcs. I think it worked as after a while he joined in the conversation with us. So I guess he IS doing it for a shock reaction.

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orangehead · 03/01/2008 23:09

My 4 yr old called me nasty and evil the other day. I said 'I like those names', you should of seen the shock on his face he didnt know what to say. But the thing that works best is just ignoring him (guilty of not always doing that). At first they call you more names even louder but if you carry on ignoring they get bored. If you try and tell them off or punish them it escalates it, they know that they have upset you and thats what they are wanting to do at that moment in time

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 23:15

Good for you, ktnoo, pleased it worked. xx

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 23:32

Thanks ladymariner.

I think you are exactly right, orangehead - they feel so angry they do actually want to upset you so showing them you don't like it probably makes them more likely to say it again the next time they don't get what they want.

I was quite shocked the first time my children said they hated me. I would NEVER have dared to say that to my parents. I wonder why not? (whole new thread there....)

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