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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to deal with 4 year old constantly saying "I hate you"?

40 replies

KTNoo · 02/01/2008 22:46

DS (4.7) has been saying things like this increasingly frequently. It's like it's become a habit as soon as he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

Example from today....we were having dinner at a friend's house and dd(6.6) is staying over. DS knew the deal, and we were to play with his castle together and play snakes and ladders (his choices) when we came home. But when it was time to go and he didn't want to he immediately started with the "I hate you", "You're so nasty" and (the best one) "You're the worst Mummy I've ever had" (pauses to reflect that I'm the ONLY Mummy he's ever had). After a couple of warnings I told him we would not be playing with the castle when we got home as that was not a nice way talk to me. We did play snakes and ladders though, so he wasn't bothered about the "punishment" really. Should I have been harder on him? I know it was hard for him to leave the friend's house, but he can't say things like that to me every time he feels angry. My friend was quite shocked and said none of her 4 children had ever said things like that.

He's a very emotional, heart-on-sleeve kind of boy, and equally he says "I love you Mummy" a lot and can be really affectionate. But lately he seems to get very very angry at every little thing, which is when the hurtful things are said. If he said things like that occasionally I would ignore it but it's all the time now. I have talked to him about how he can say he's angry with me but not say things which hurt my feelings as it makes me very sad. I know he doesn't mean it of course.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with this?

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GrinningSoul · 02/01/2008 23:01

I am experiencing exactly the same thing with DD, 4.3. She's v easily angered ATM. I decided rather hastily on 30 dec that we would start star charts for her and DS (8.2). They each have a known, short list of undesirable behaviours (eg i hate you for her - and spitting - aaarrghhh - and refusing to help me, hitting etc for him.) They get a star each lunchtime and bedtime provided they haven't done any of the bad things. They can get extra stars for exceptional (for them) acts of kindness/helpfulness etc. I plan to devise a series of rewards they can 'spend' their points on but this is the tricky bit. It's already wearing a bit thin, all round, tho the first 24 hrs were fantastic.

Original poster

KTNoo · 02/01/2008 23:18

Good to know it's not just us going through this!

We tried star charts a while ago, not for exactly this problem but for general unco-operativeness, but he just wasn't bothered by it. He responds well to general praise but can't seem to keep the idea of a later reward in his head long enough. I think he has particular difficuty understaning time concepts to be honest. He's a bit older now though so maybe it would be worth another go.

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ladymariner · 02/01/2008 23:28

My friend had a similar thing with her ds, he was about the same age and doing the same sort of stuff and she was brilliant. She ignored the comments if possible, which totally took the effect away for him, and then if he really insisted on carrying it on, she would kneel close to him, fix him firmly in the eye and tell him that it was up to him if he hated or loved her, she loved him but no way was he having that toy/eating those sweets/playing with so-and-so etc, then walk away and leave him to work it out! She was amazing, and it worked a dream. I agree, it can be embarrassing but only if you let it.
By the way, it must be lovely for your friend with her perfect children......

TheStepfordChav · 02/01/2008 23:31

When they say 'I hate you', say 'But I love you'. It really takes the wind out of their sails.

Original poster

KTNoo · 02/01/2008 23:45

Thanks, I'll try both of these ladymariner and the stepfordchav. The last few days it's got worse and worse, like several times a day, for things like "please get dressed", he responds, "No! I hate you!". In these situations I don't feel especially "loving" but I will try it!

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GrinningSoul · 02/01/2008 23:50

that reminds me, when my ds was about this age we stayed with my sis and her 5 dds (!) and every time he said NO they all chanted 'don't say no say yes!' in comedy fashion, and that managed to lift the mood and teach him to stop too. Again, it's hard to do it when you are feeling livid and rushed.....

i bet my starcharts fail v soon, btw. we're not very good at consistency round mine.

lennygrrl · 02/01/2008 23:54

Message withdrawn

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 02/01/2008 23:58

definitely do what has been suggested.
as with so many things it's just a phase. dont give him the satisfaction of being upset by his words.... he's just trying out their power over you....
a breezy "do you really darling? well i REALLY love you...." is the way to go....

Original poster

KTNoo · 02/01/2008 23:58

So you don't think I should "punish" him for saying it? Just ignore rather than draw attention?

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controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 02/01/2008 23:59

ignore. ignore. ignore.

ladymariner · 02/01/2008 23:59

Think it is pretty hard to say through extremely gritted teeth but it is worth it!!!

colditz · 03/01/2008 00:01

I (probably a bad idea) really lay it on thick, and say "I know. I'm mean, and cruel, and I ^never let you do anything, and I never by you sweets, or toys, or take you to the park, or help with your reading, or tickle your toes, or buy Hotwheels cars for you, or cook you nice dinners, or make chocolate milk, or anything, do I?"

and he says "Sometimes you do that"

And I say "No, mean mummies don't do things like that. Or carry you to bed when you're feeling lazy, or find Andrex (stuffed dog) from down the side of the bed, or put your jigsaws together with you. I never do that. Do I?"

"Mummy you are being very silly."

"Yes, us mean evil nasty mummies are like that."

I say

"Oh well, never mind, you still have to do what i say"

Depends on the mood I am in.

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:03

Ok, will try! About 10 times a day....

My friend took him to one side while I was getting dd2 ready to go and told him not to say that, that I'm a good Mummy and to say nice things to me! He didn't say anything at the time but later when we were playing snakes and ladders he told me he wanted me to win! Was he trying to make it up to me, the little sweetie....? (Anyway, he won ).

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ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:03

Love it, colditz

elliephant · 03/01/2008 00:05

Leaving aside your friend's stepford like kids, it is not unusual for children to tell you they hate you whenever they don't get their way. They say it because, even at 4 yrs, they can sense its power. They don't usually mean it (I hope), its just a word that really annoys mummy. Next time its said step right in and tell your DS thats its not a nice word and he is not allowed to use it. Don't bother giving him a couple of warnings. TBH I think playing snakes and ladders with him instead of castles as his punishment sent out a mixed message as well. Its ok and normal for kids to feel anger but its up to us to show them how best to express it. I always try to acknowledge my childrens' anger but make it clear that they are not going to get their own way - repeat " yes I understand you're angry right now but we are going home now" firmly and keep saying it until they get the message. No debates, no fueling their anger. It usually takes the wind out of their sails a bit or they just get so bored listening to me that they give up . Don't worry about what any onlookers(like your friend) are thinking either .

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:06

He maybe was trying to make it up to you. But much more likely he was trying to say a nice thing to you because you're his mum and he loves you very much and he thought you would lime to hear it. I don't think 4 year olds analyse in the same way we do....?

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:07

Colditz, that's what I FELT like saying to him! Last week when he kicked off in the supermarket telling me I never give him any treats etc etc, I reminded him of all the nice thngs we'd done at the weekend, like "Did we have a picnic in your bedroom yesterday?" to which he replied "Yeah, but that was yesterday."

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ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:08

or even like to hear it!!!! You can tell its getting late!

lennygrrl · 03/01/2008 00:08

Message withdrawn

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:10

Crikey, I can't even put things in bold print properly now!!!!

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:10

Oooh yes, I can (wanders off muttering to herself)

Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:11

elliephant, we were going to do both the castle and snakes and ladders, but I took away one thing and warned him the game would also go it he carried on saying hurtful things. He did stop then. So I had to play as that's what I'd agreed, and by the time we got home he was all lovely again anyway.

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Original poster

KTNoo · 03/01/2008 00:13

ladymariner, I can imagine that my friend's kids have never said anything like that. They are quite alternative and she has them doing things like coming up with sketches to perform to her to show they have understood a point!

OP posts:

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:18

Sketches??? Sketches???? (definately wanders off now muttering a little more loudly....)

ladymariner · 03/01/2008 00:23

No.It's no good, I'm too intrigued. How the hell do kids do sketches to show their mum that they have understood something? is this woman real?? Those poor kids, I feel sorry for them. If my ds is in trouble an apology and a hug puts it right, not bloody sketches!!!

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