What is the best way to discipline DS (19mths)?

[MrsClausinJimmyChoos]

He is having a lot of tantrums around meal times and at nappy change time. He squirms when I try to put him in high chair, (he won't entertain being sat in a small toddler chair either) and if he doesn't even like the look of what he sees in his bowl, he shouts NO and refuses to even try it.

He has just got over a really nasty cough and so he did end up eating just toast, weetabix and yoghurt for those few days (all things he loves) just to get him to eat something and I think its left him with the knowledge that if he doesn't eat what we put in front of him, he will get something he likes...how to resolve this and how to stop him from having tantrums over small things like getting him dressed, telling him no he can't go up the stairs or whatever? Also, he goes ballistic when I'm putting him in the car seat which is making it hell for me when picking him up from nursery!

TIA

emmaagain, how do you follow what your child wants if they both want two different things?

I can't simultaneously allow ds2 to turn around and go back home, and ds1 to walk to school - something has to give, and when it does, one of them isn't going to be a happy bunny!

Find a third thing everyone prefers to their original plan. Go to the park? Go to an icecream parlour? Jump on a bus? Go to the corner shop for icecream and then take it home? Play hopscotch right there on the pavement? Count cars going by? Start singing and dancing on the pavement? And of course it doesn't have to be icecream, but that's a really easy option on those days when everyone wants very different and mutually incompatible things - whoever says "oh no, not really" when asked if they'd like icecream?! (and I'm not saying that would happen once a week, but maybe once a fortnight or once a month)

The problem situations are more complex when there are three or more people involved, but then, there are three or more creative minds available to come up with common preferences (not compromises. In a compromise, everyone stands still on the pavement, since that's the middle ground between walking back to school and walking home. blech.). And as people get more practised at thinking of and suggesting alternatives that everyone involved might like, they get better at it, and it becomes less conflict-laden when people disagree initially.

But ds1 has to go to school. I am not capable of home edding, so he does have to go to school. I can't leave ds2 behind, so he has to come with me. he doesn't have a choice about that, and he is not fooled by jolliness either.

I totally misread your previous message. My ideas are great for coming-home time...

Assuming Ds1 is happy to go to school (he is, right?) and to do the walk to school, it seems to me there are three possible directions of solution to the particular problem you raise

1. Ds1 walks to school with someone else. Either make an arrangment with another family who live close and are heading for the same school, or make a deal with a nice 17-year old you know who is doing A-levels but can't wait to do her nursery helper qualifications. She walks Ds1 to school and then scoots off on her bicycle to her own morning commitments. 2 bob a week should cover the cost...

2. Ds2 stays at home with someone else while you do the school run with Ds1. Is there a Dh who might flexitime to cover it? Or who might do the school drop off on his way to work? Might the hypothetical teen like to play at home with Ds2 while you do the Ds1 school run, and then zoom off on her moped to college when you return?

3. Find ways of making the walk to school and back such fun that everyone really wants to do it. I can't guess what might suit you or your children. But I might mix it up with modes of transport - bus, bikes with a mini-seat on back for Ds2 if you are comfortable with the safety of that kind of thing (hey you could turn into one of those north Oxford families who cycle around with about 4 extensions on the back of the bike and little flags waving and helmet wearing children wobbling round all the corners)

Thanks for the ideas, emmaagain, I don't think most of them are really affordable for my situation (really can't afford to pay someone) and i am a lone parent, so no husband, but I will try making the walk a bit more fun for ds2, as at the moment he does sort of get shoved in the pushchair and marched to school ... maybe letting him have a banana in his pushchair would please him (yes I gave birth to a chimpanzee), or letting him get out and wander around when we get there.

I am definatly more jolly and less shrill at hometime!

Hi - this is the best article I have ever read about toddlers and mealtimes. I have save it on my computer so I can read it every time my DS has a meltdown because he doesn't want to eat.
www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp
(if you son't want to register you get the option to skip straight to the article).

I think there are enough battles to fight with your toddler - mine has just started to get very stroppy about what he wears - without making meal time one of them.

Colditz - one of the best tips I was ever given about small children is to offer them two choices, both of which are things you want. For example, you could say to DS2, 'Do you want to go in your pushchair or ride your trike when we take your brother to school?' Or 'shall we walk this way or that way?' Or 'would you like a banana or an apple on your way to school?' It works a treat with my 22 month old - it makes him feel like he's making a choice.

Emmaagain - your ideas are so different to mine they seem absolutely loopy! They are great though and I think are a real 'do something your children aren't expecting you to do (in terms of responding to behaviour of theirs that you don't like). I'm keeping those suggestions of yours up my sleeve in case I need to pull one out. DD3's only 6 weeks but the time will come!

That made little sense. I meant your suggestions early in the thread. I like 'em!