I would really like very short answers to this please.

[NAB3hundredbaubles]

When your son is back chatting/being rude/refusing to do what one has asked. do you

1. Ignore even though this means you don't get what you want done.
2. Physically make him - by picking up etc, not by smacking.
3. Keep repeating until they eventually do do as you have asked.

I woudl get to the stage where I would just ignore. In times of impasse, I hae found ignoring quite effective as children do seek their parents' attention. It does mean very occasionally not doing what you want to do.

I agree with not making them wear a coat but you can't ignore refusing to brush teeth so it needs to be addressed somehow. Better to make the situation into a humourous one so they do it while laughing and that way it's done and no conflict.
I don't make ds wear a coat if he says he doesn't need one but I would refuse to bring one to save the day. It's important for children to learn decision making and the consequences of that too.

1. for backchatting or being rude, he's trying to get a reaction out of me, so I don't give him one.

1. for requests to do what has been asked, followed by counting to 3 too.

Also, the occasional number 4. shouting (I am human after all )

Hmm, agree with the humour, always seems to make children more compliant.

If DS didn't want to wear a coat I wouldn't make him, but I would insist he carried it with him incase he is cold later. He's usually happy to accept this compromise.

Wearing a coat isn't an issue for us.

Emmaagain - sometimes we all get asked to do things we don't want to do!

My dd often doesn't want to do as I've asked her. I usually say " fine, next time you want me to do something for you, I won't do it" Then I give an example like - next time you want a friend over, want the tv on, whatever. Seems to do the trick. At six, they are old enough for consequences. DD (nearly 6) just lost tv privaledges for a week. She whined all week about it, and I just kept saying "well, i guess you shouldn't have..."

Good Luck

I too do the 'counting to 3' thing with a specified consequence - usually being sent to bed early or, if we're out, going straight home and going to bed. I've only had to act on it once and it shocked the life out of her, often now all I have to say is 'do you really want to make me count?' in a weary tone of voice and she comes running... (she is only 2.10, mind you, and I'm sure this can't last!)

When mine were smaller it went like this:

If it's something potentially dangerous (ie too close to fire/ oven etc) then a very loud no - to shock and scare. (I did smack as well in this instance occasionally, but appreciate it's not the generally accepted way nowadays)

If repeated backchatting or being disobedient for anything else, count to 5 with a threat if not done and threat is always carried out.

oh blimey i thin ive tried every trick on this thread, bar none

with varying success as it happens. but then, when theres 3 of them and their comprehension abilities range from just under 2 with limited verbal skills, via a sensitive 3yo who cries a lot atm, to a cocky 4yo who takes full advantage of his little brothers' weaknesses... well. i wish i were able to be calm and happy, reasoned and consistent with them at all times, but unfortunately im human

sorry - short answer; all of them.

wisteria - when you say threat is always carried out - does that mean even if it means a half hour of screaming/wailing/whining, following you about to make sure it really winds you up, and breaking/tearing/throwing things, also to annoy you while the others join in just for fun?

coz that to me seems lie a lose lose situation... not that i know a better one, like.

Nappies - sounds interesting ! I know it's completely draining but I do believe that you set the rules and consequences follow, on the whole dcs actually respond well to knowing exactly where they stand and that Mum will never give in.

I don't know what happens when there are learning difficulties or specific behavioural issues involved......but yes, threats were always carried out when mine were smaller (and still would be now if necessary), they would be the sorts of things like, favourite toys removed or going to bed early, missing favourite programmes - I was not a complete cow....

Mine is 16 months.

Most of the time I do (3), staying very calm, and it usually works eventually. I think it's a really important lesson for him to learn. If I need him to give something up, for example, I'd much rather he made the decision himself rather than have me forcibly take it.

If he's doing something dangerous or very disruptive then (2).

If I'm in a hurry, or too tired to be bothered then I'm sorry to say (1), but I try not to.

Also, if I need him to hand something over to me I generally offer him a swap with something I don't mind him having. He's cottoned onto that one and is very good at swapping.

I do 1 for a couple of repetitions then say 'i'm counting to three (or 10 if it is something that takes a long time) and if you have not done XYZ then I will do ABC' The ABC depends on whatever his current favorite thing to do is.

At the moment it would be removing his trading cards for a day, or not allowing him to take them to school. ALthough while school is out, it might be banning the computer and TV for a day.

I always keep the consequences in proportion though (well, nearly always) and I always do exactly what I say I will do.

Generlly though, the job is done before I get to 2

3

Message withdrawn

All of the options. When I'm on top of things I try to remember some good advice I read on here: 'To tell them two times is to teach them to ignore you the first time' (or nine times, I guess - I feel like I say things ten times on a school morning...)

I would just say 'What would your teacher say if you spoke to her like that?'

And when he blushes tell him well you don't talk to her like that so don't talk to me like that.

hmmmm, need to train myself to make smaller threats, ones i'll actually not end the world by carrying out.

I famously threw a load of Barbies in the dustbin once - hated the darn things anyway!

2 and 3

It depends what you are asking them to do.
I would do the same as Emmaagain with the coat scenario.
If it was teeth, at 6/7yo they are old enough to understand why we need to brush our teeth. Keep explaining why it's a good idea to brush. Don't force them. Ask if you can help. Visit the dentist.
Children do respond well most times if they understand why something is required.
It's difficult to give a choice of 1, 2, or 3 as different situations need slightly different approaches. However, in the main I would lean towards Emmaagain's approach.

Thing is, all of the original options

"1. Ignore even though this means you don't get what you want done.

1. Physically make him - by picking up etc, not by smacking.
2. Keep repeating until they eventually do do as you have asked."

assume that what the parent wants is what is going to happen and what should happen.

1. Is it possible that what the parent wants is simply wrong?

1. Is it possible that there is an alternative course of action for parent and child which everyone will prefer to their original preference and be genuinely happy with?

1. What do children learn from being ignored/physically made to do things/having someone repeating instructions at them ad nauseam? That Mum is boss, right? What is that authority based on and how long is it going to last? If the power struggles are bad with 6 year olds or 3 year olds, the teen years are going to be nuclear meltdown. We can't control our children for ever, and the sooner we establish a relationship of mutual respect and trust, the better.

Me, I'd always try to negotiate something everyone is happy with rather than setting myself up as the authority figure.

(now I'm bracing myself for more s, but at least juule liked what I wrote before )

Good post again, Emmaagain.
No 3 Particularly true.