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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS wants daddy all the time... I'm heartbroken!

28 replies

asicsgirl · 03/12/2007 21:02

I know this can't be a new question but... DS (2 and a half) was, until about 2 weeks ago, a darling boy - loving, sensitive to our moods, always free with his cuddles, hilarious and sweet. We couldn't believe our luck. Now, suddenly, he's a toddler. I can just about deal with the meltdowns, screaming abdabs etc over eating/ not eating sandwiches, wanting/ not wanting to go downstairs etc - on good days I even think up something to distract him and we both end up laughing. But what's breaking my heart is that he just wants his daddy all the time. 'MUMMY GO AWAY! WANT DADDY!' 'Daddy put me to bed. Not Mummy'. And when he wakes up in the middle of the night: 'Daddeee... Daddeee...'. THis evening he cried for 10 mins solid in and out of the bath, saying 'Want daddy. Want daddy'. I'm trying to tell myself it's a phase, but it's driving us all nuts, and I feel rejected and unbelievably sad. Any tips for getting through this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wrinklytum · 03/12/2007 21:06

Keep repeating "Hes 2,its just a phase" x 1000000 .DS did this for a bit,it passed,eventually.Blardy hard work,though.

StressTeddy · 03/12/2007 21:12

Darling - i know exactly how you feel
Daddy has novelty value and therefore cannot put a foor wrong (I take it you are with yur ds more than your dh?)

It is so hard but try not to push yourself on your ds
My ds has always been a daddy's boy. I am disgusted ( I definitely ordered a demonstrative mummy's boy!)
just know that you are the apple of his eye but he doesn't need to show you because you are there all the time
He'd sure miss you if you were gone (although it doesn't always feel like that does it?)
Daddy's novel - it'll wear off!!
Love to you
x

Original poster

asicsgirl · 03/12/2007 22:08

Thanks... actually dp spends as much time with ds as I do. He does more of some stuff, like getting up in the middle of the night if ds wakes up (if I do it I just lie awake for the next 2 hours unable to get back to sleep). And does all sorts of exciting (to ds) boy stuff with him like bicycle maintenance and DIY. Yes, he is a hero... and part of me can't blame ds for thinking so, but I miss the boy who used to like making biscuits with me, too... Sniff...

OP posts:

aaaargh · 03/12/2007 22:15

Oh I know how you feel
my DS, only 17 months, rejected me in the street yesterday. We were having a walk, DH was carrying him, got tired and said "go to mummy", tried to pass him over and he cried like I was some sort of abuser or something! I was heart broken. He ended up lying on the pavement crying because he didn't want me to carry him
When DH is not around he luuuuuurves mes but when he is there he is not keen at all!
sux

ELF1981 · 03/12/2007 22:20

get your hubby to say to you "he loves you too you know" which is what I say to my husband when my DD has rejected him for the tenth time in a day. She has always been a little mummies girl, and is very rarely asking for her dad. In fact, she cries if he picks her up from the CM and only smiles when he says "we'll go home and see Mummy"!

ThursdayNext · 03/12/2007 22:24

Can only sympathise. DS is also 2.5, and has preferred his dad for at least a year, so a seriously long phase. I'm now pretty immune to the chants of 'not mum, noooo, want dad, dad come, where dad?' etc. It's pretty miserable though. I also share child care fairly equally with DP.
Trying to be positive, I'm thinking it might be vaguely useful when I'm stuck on the sofa feeding the next one? And I get to go for a pee on my own if DP is in, while poor DP gets followed everywhere.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/12/2007 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

asicsgirl · 05/12/2007 12:34

Thanks again for your support and suggestions. I will try to grow thicker skin! In fact I was in tears the other night and ds was looking at me very seriously. Then he got up the next day and was really nice to me... so maybe it isn't always a bad idea to show how I'm feeling about it all. Thursdaynext, I've been wondering about the effects of a new baby arriving too (I'm due in May). I like the positive approach - up till now I've only been thinking 'Ah, this means ds will never want to spend any time with me 'cos I'll be busy bf-ing the whole time'.

Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 05/12/2007 13:12

Make sure your dh makes a big fuss of you in front of ds, especially when ds gets stroppy over not wanting to do something with you.

GooseyLoosey · 05/12/2007 13:18

I have been there and found it heart breaking. It went against every image of what it would be like to be a mother. For over a year (from about 18 months to 2 1/2) ds rejected me at every opportunity. He would cry if I hugged him and always wanted his daddy and would push me away.

The thing not to do (and to my shame I did once) was get upset at ds about it. That was awful and upsetting for both of us. After that, I just carried on trying to do things with him (without daady on occasion) and if he said something to me, I would just say that I really loved him.

All you can do is show him how much you love him and try and do special things with he - just the 2 of you.

It is just a phase. Ds now shows no signs of "daddyism" at all. If he falls, he comes running to me just as I imagined he would.

I really do know how terribly sad it is but it will pass and is not a reflection on your parenting.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 05/12/2007 13:22

I know how you feel, it nearly killed me when DS1 became totally infatuated with DH - prefering him to me all the time, then DS2 was the same, and DS3 (even at just 6 months! - and see us 50/50 of the time) is calmer for him than for me.

However when it's just me then they cry for me/come to me so it's ok - but when DH is around then they make a bee-line for him - and I get time to myself...now DS1 and 2 are a little older (4 and 7) I actually enjoy the fact that they'd rather spend time with him than me when we're all at home together as I get to have more "me" time

ChopsterRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 05/12/2007 13:25

It will pass, and he won't always be pushing you away. Keep reminding yourself of that.

But also, don't let yourself feel so rejected by it. I think the more you push, the more he will rebel and go for daddy. Look at the positives - even though daddy probably isn't the one who is primary carer, your son has a fantastically strong relationship with him, and that is brilliant.

I have four children, only two of them really prefer me. My oldest is devoted to her grandad, and would move in there tomo if she could! My youngest is 'daddy blobber' as he keeps telling me. He adores his daddy and I've had stages of him pushing me away too. Now the pushing away is more of a jokey thing, but he is def a daddy's boy at heart. I think it's great for my dp to have that relationship with him, and not for them all to be completely devoted to me.

seeker · 05/12/2007 13:45

My ds is a daddy's boy too. Now he's 6, he does tell me he loves me lots - but I know he likes dp best. I'ts sad - but I tell myself that it's better than him having a distant impersonal relationship with his dad like so many men of my generation did.

My daughter is a mummy's girl - maybe it's time to have another?!

I'm sure `i've quoted this before , but when ds was 2 he smiled at me and said "I love you mummy" then, before I could respond, he added "but I love Daddy, Gracie and the kittens more" Thank your lucky stars you rank second, not fifth!

scunnered · 05/12/2007 20:54

My DD has always prefered daddy and this has only become more marked with time. It is upsetting but I do try and see the positives in the situation, such as daddy having to get up when she is unsettled in the middle of the night!!! I have recently had another baby and DD being a daddy's girl has been a blessing as I can get on with bf-ing wtihout too much hassle.
The other thing which helps me is to try and spend some quality time alone at week-ends with my DD and leave my new baby with DH. My DD loves this and cannot ignore me in favour of daddy if he is not there. She is so lovely with me that it makes it easier to deal with the times when she pushes me away etc.. if dad is around.

lucyellensmum · 05/12/2007 21:22

what is it with this LO's this week has been a real problem for me and DDs daddy wanting. Then, everytime i log on to mn there is another thread, and you are right, it is heart breaking, especially the go away mummy bit. My DP finds this particularly hard to deal with as she is really whiney around him and demanding. It is like all hell breaks lose whenever he gets home from work, she is really a good girl all day then when he gets home she is a moaning minnie and it goes on and on, DP is getting really stressed and im getting really miserable

ITS A PHASE, ITS A PHASE, ITS A PHASE

phdlifeneedsanewlife · 05/12/2007 21:46

we have the exact opposite in this house - ds doesn't want daddy to settle him, cuddle him, whatever. Even after 9 weeks of dh doing a one-afternoon/week care, ds still spends upwards of 2hrs crying for me when I'm not here. where's the thread for THAT I wonder!

bayleaf · 05/12/2007 21:54

I don't have any good advice but had to add my sympathies. I went through 8 lots of ivf/icsi for dd2 during which dh was really pretty unsupportive and it was very much ME doing it - and him putting up with it whilst constantly moaning about the money and inconvenience of it all ( inconvenience to HIM!?) And then as soon as dd was old enough to have a preference it was DH! I was absolutely gutted. It really really hurt - esp thinking how very much I'd wanted her and been through to have her - and how indifferent dh had been ( tho he is suitably besotted now of course!)
I can't remember when it changed - but she is now 2.4 and totally different - it's either 50/50 or a slight preference for me - YEH!!!!!!

Original poster

asicsgirl · 06/12/2007 11:28

Thanks again. I am feeling heartened! DP is making a point of saying to me 'DS was asking for you this morning' and I am trying really hard to be my 'normal' jokey self with DS. It seems to be getting a bit better. I think one of the problems might be that DS has changed such a lot recently - become much more savvy and aware and understanding loads more of what's going on - and I think I've been reacting to him differently; it's almost been like having a new little boy. So I'm trying to remember to still do all the silly stuff I normally do with him, and I think we are getting there. Tougher skin, as you all say.

Seeker, that is priceless... [pause to wipe tears of mirth] you poor thing.

You're all right, too, of course, about DS's strong relationship with DP. We made a huge point of DS spending loads of time with DP since he was tiny, as (like seeker) we had several male friends who felt they hadn't got much of a relationship with their kids. But I did start to wonder whether we'd overdone it...

OP posts:

magicfairy · 06/12/2007 12:14

Dont have any tips but just wanted to say i know how you feel!
DS is only 15 months and allready is a daddies boy and when he leaves for work in the morning and has his cuddle goodbye and is then passed to me its like im the worst person in the world and he clutches onto DH as if to say noooooo, not her!!
Dont know if its realted but this has all happened since we all went for the scan of new baby, i am also due in May.

PortAndLemonaid · 06/12/2007 12:19

It does go through phases. DS (nearly three) has been through staged of wanting DH for everything for a couple of months, then it swings round and he wants me, and so forth.

It is a phase, honestly.

saggymum · 06/12/2007 12:42

It is just a phase, but it's heartbreaking while it's happening. Had exactly the same problem with DD. My tip would be to ignore it as best you can - showing upset just encourages it, as there's definitely an element of power tripping there. My friend said it was a way of them testing your love for them - they need to know that you'll always be there even if you're rejected. Found that comforting when her little face fell when it was me who went in to her in the morning. In our case everything changed when I became pregnant with DS - suddenly all she wanted was mummy - so would suggest getting up the duff at your earliest convenience if at all possible...If not, just remind yourself you're the adult and try and ignore it. It does pass.

marge2 · 06/12/2007 12:43

phdlifeetcetc.. I have the same thing here..ONLY MUMMY WILL DO. Neither DSs ever want DH anywhere near for day to day stuff. It HAS to be me who goes in if they wake up, to wipe bums, to get dressed, get shoes/coats on, carry them if they are tired. ( both too big for buggies now) The only things they will let DH do are mow the lawn which they will join in with and do any DIY stuff ( which hardly ever happens) I am getting totally exhausted.. DH lies about in bed everyweekend morning while I am up and at it! If I try to have a lie in you would think he was murdering them downstairs with all the crying and screaming for me!

From my popint of view DH has been rather grumpy and unwilling to help if I ask - so I have tended not to bother asking - now I CAN'T ask him to help or the boys will have a meltdown!

Blardy nightmare!

minouminou · 06/12/2007 14:01

it's related to the fact that he's realising he's a boy, and he's looking for his role model.
Also - and don't take this to heart, think of it as "space-age brain but stone-age body" - you're no longer essential (ie milk) to his survival anymore, so he's branching out and learning new stuff from your DH, which is just as important, but more to long-term survival.
Stuff like...chucking flint spears at mammoths and all that .
i've got all this to come (DS is 14 months), but i can imagine how hurtful it is.

Original poster

asicsgirl · 06/12/2007 14:48

I've told DP about bringing home those mammoths; there's no more room in the freezer! Nice point minouminou. DS is very active, loves going outside, and is fascinated with biking, very much a Daddy (=blokey in our house?) thing. I don't do much biking - maybe when he's old enough to go running with me it'll all change!

Saggymum, that's an interesting point about testing love in the face of rejection. Makes sense. And I do try to remind myself I'm the adult, but... as Kath put it to her baby daughter (in Kath & Kim): 'Stop whining Epponnee, it's Mummy's turn!'

You are all so wise. Thanks. x

OP posts:

cea · 06/12/2007 15:05

Funnily enough was thinking of asking the same question except like Marge2 my DS is stuck to me like glue and is only interested in DP as a source of information about where I am! We have passed the screaming "No no no" phase and are now at quiet resentment...it has caused a lot of stress as DP feels very hurt by the constant rejection. We have tried DP taking him on special treats..DS was good until it finished then ran away looking for me, we've tried DP being nice and me being less nice, and just got a lot " Mum cheer up now?" from DS...we are really struggling as he shows no sign of growing out of it. If it is just a phase its a long one!

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