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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Childrens's Manners - what matters?

85 replies

Earlybird · 30/10/2004 23:24

Bit slow around here tonight, so here's another Saturday night topic - what manners do you feel it is important to teach your children? I was raised in quite a formal family, and while I want dd to be well mannered, think that some of what was drilled into me was a bit rigid/unecessary for today's more casual times. What manners are important to you?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jampot · 30/10/2004 23:55

yes both of those too - my friends two kids eat with their mouths wide open - urgh makes me sick.

I remember as a child my mum used to have her friends kids from school at lunchtimes occasionally and they used to do it too - hated it at the age of 7 as well

JoolsToo · 30/10/2004 23:55

Deffo - and holding a knife and fork correctly [prim emoticon]

Fran1 · 30/10/2004 23:59

LOl skate, i'm unintentionally following you around, here watching you say right i'm off to bed busy day tomorrow, and then you get drawn back in! Thats what happens to me everynight.

KateandtheGirls · 31/10/2004 00:42

Skate, I was wondering who your mum was (when you said she posts on here also). Hmmmm. Am I completely barking up the wrong tree?

turquoise · 31/10/2004 00:43

I thought that too Kate!

jampot · 31/10/2004 00:44

it never occurred to me but now it does....

Twiglett · 31/10/2004 09:25

Please may I ..

Thank you

May I leave the table?

Pardon ..not What

Not talking with mouth full

(think that's enough for a 3.8 year old)

Skate · 31/10/2004 09:33

Have we been rumbled?!

Jimjams · 31/10/2004 12:12

DS2 says please and thank you beautifully. My mum has been trying to teach ds1 thank you this morning but I don't see the point. I'd rather put the energy into teaching him the concept of yes and no - far more useful. He'll never say anything remotely like thank you anyway.

Did occur to me yesterday when I was out for a walk with ds1 that he appaeared rather rude. Quite a few people said "hello" to us (were on Dartmoor). If ds2 is there as well its no problem as he always answers. I of course said "hello" back but ds1 completely blanked everyone naturally. Just occurred to me that a couple of old biddies gave a certain look at one stage. Ah well bigger things to worry about.

twiglett's back as twiglett!

carla · 31/10/2004 12:58

Saying thank you to bus drivers.
Saying thank you when you've put their meal down.
Pardon (dh's doing, I prefer what
Generally, learning to say sorry and thank you whenever it's appropriate. But they're 5 and 6 now. Couldn't tell you when they first got the concept.

Skate, the Chocolate, Chocolate, CHOCOLATE child has always been like that. Was talking to my sister about it last night. Think it's 'cos her mum is SOOOOO nice and she was a much sought after baby, and still now she has everything she wants. Think she's just got used to it. It was dd2's birthday the other week, and, as you do with a birthday cake, took all the sugary decorations off for 'later'. As it was dd's birthday I let her have a shell (about the size of a fingertip) and chum's dd threw a dicky fit, even though all the other friends accepted it.

KateandtheGirls · 31/10/2004 13:12

Please and thank you always.
Excuse me if they burp or fart.
Saying "Hi Miss XXX" whenever they see a grown up who they know. (So many of the neighborhood kids don't say a word to me or any other adults whenever we see them, and I find that irritating.)
We're working on not interrupting people who are talking (usually that's each other).
Please may I be excused? when they want to leave the table.

Hulababy · 31/10/2004 13:18

DD's only 2.5yo so we are still learning round here

She nearly always remembers please and thank you when asking for/recieving something. She even managed Merci last week too. But I don't insist every single time, due to her age. TBH if she doesn't say please I just wait a bit and it normally comes straight away (or ask for the "magic word"). PILs were a bit too keen with her with the please/thankyous last week on holiday for my liking - they didn't really give her chance to remember to say it (bearing in mind her age)before telling her she should say Please, IYSWIM.

Trying to teach her not to keep interrupting or repeatedly asking for things, but to ask once and wait for a reply. And not to whinge!

Table manners are being learnt too - remembering to use her fork and spoon rather than fingers, asking politely for more, etc. and saying nicely when she's finished and had enough - rather than just pushing her plate away.

Probably others too; can't think right now.

roisin · 31/10/2004 13:25

Hmm... I'm not actually that hot on insisting on good manners. I do wait until they say "please" before they get something, and they are expected to say thank you, and sorry. But we don't do "please can I get down", and I prefer them to eat well than to eat neatly and politely. (they are 5 and 7 btw, so older than many others mentioned on this thread.

Actually I prefer them to offer genuine thanks for a meal they've particularly enjoyed (which they often do, especially when visiting other people), than to say a parrot thank you every time. And that illustrates my attitude generally: I would rather they appreciate other people, and learn to be kind, and say positive things to other people, than that they have "formal good manners".

They both spontaneously offer thanks when we've taken them on days out, or given them treats, which means much more to me than formal manners.

KateandtheGirls · 31/10/2004 13:30

Roisin, I agree that the spontaneous instances of good manners are much more meaningful. (I took my girls (age 2 and 5) out for dinner the other day, and they both, independently, told me thank you for dinner and they enjoyed it. That made my day.) But I do think that insisting on good manners when they are young makes it a habit that they will always have.

JoolsToo · 31/10/2004 13:33

I agree KATG - but from the other side - I find myself apologising all the time for example when I'm shopping and there's a pedestrian collision - it may not be my fault but I always say sorry (its automatic) and the offender looks at me as if to say 'I should think so!' so now if it isn't my fault and my apology slips out I loudly say 'No I'm not' as I'm walking away!

Lonelymum · 31/10/2004 13:34

I have just spent a few days with my children at my parents' house and I was mortified at how poor my children's table manners are. Only the eldest can eat properly with a knife and fork (and eat sensibly without fussing about the food.) Ds2 (aged 6) and dd (aged 4) fuss about food and seem incapable of eating with anything but an upside down fork and fingers. I still have one more child to train - ds3 (aged 20 months). Has anyone done better than me and got their child to eat properly before they went to school? What could I do differently with ds3?

KateandtheGirls · 31/10/2004 13:34

Jools. So there's such a thing as too many good manners?

JoolsToo · 31/10/2004 13:37

I guess I'd rather have too many - than none another one that bugs me is when you stand aside to let someone pass and they don't say thankyou - nowadays I say it for them
God I sound a right grump!

KateandtheGirls · 31/10/2004 13:38

What about other drivers who don't wave when you stop to let them past, or when you let them merge into your lane?

JoolsToo · 31/10/2004 13:39

Grrrrrrrr

Miaou · 31/10/2004 14:23

Our dds:

Please and thank you. They are still really bad at remembering that which I think is unreasonable at their ages (7 and nearly 6).
Ask to leave the table (we are flexible on all leaving the table together as they are both incredibly slow eaters, so often dh and I leave the table before them rather than nag them to eat faster).
If you have a bag of sweets/nuts/biscuits or whatever, offer them round. Last night we were at a halloween party and dd2 (6 next week) offered round the sweets from her party bag without any prompting - I was really proud of her!
Tidy up (or offer to tidy up) when you have been playing at a friend's house (we're still working on this one!!)

Generally speaking, we try not to have too many "rules" at home, but concentrate on the spirit of good manners, which should see them through unforseen situations.

tillykins · 31/10/2004 14:31

Definitely the please and thank you's though my baby isn't one yet so I think I would be asking for a bit much right now. I don't like seeing children snatch or not share and my cousin's daughter has never ever sent me a thank you for any birthday or Christmas presents and she is 12 now. That makes me cross, there is no excuse for it
I saw a little boy of about 6 this morning, in the shop demanding a toy. He was actually stamping his foot and shouting loudly that he wanted it and "I haven't got one" whilst his mum was saying "we'll see if Santa will bring it". She was so patient, I know I wouldn't have been. I wanted to go over and say I was going to tell Santa how rude he was and Santa wouldn't bring him anything But I thought I had better not

tigermoth · 31/10/2004 14:35

I thinks manners need to come naturally and be sincere, otherwise please and thankyou can seem a bit meaningless - or worse. Don't get me wrong, I think tinies should be reminded to say please, thank you and excuse me, but IMO it's the intention behind the words that's really important. Seeing older children paying manners lipservice can be irritating and disrespectful. My youngest son has a habit of barging past people while saying 'excuse me' for instance. Now that's not right.

I think it's more important to teach the values of sharing and teamwork - encouraging empathy generally. Agree with roisin here. IME you can tell older children they will be more popular if they are nice to others, and being nice starts with decent manners, but doesn't end there.

MissusWoman · 31/10/2004 15:05

I'm a terribly permissive mother, but one thing I've always insisted on with my two kids is good manners. It's very very important imo. Please, thank you and respectful behaviour towards others at all times. They know all the swear words, but they also know that you should never swear in front of anyone who may be offended by it (and that includes me). They're a pair of little buggers, but one thing I'm proud of is their good manners.

Jimjams · 31/10/2004 19:51

Was thinking about this today- as we left my mum and dad's house ds (age 2) said "thank you for my dinner grandad" spontaneously- I was amazed to be honest. My MIL always says I've "done well with his manners" but to be honest he seems to like being polite- I've never really had to show him (like everything).

DS1 on the other hand is a complete nightmare. Age 5 still can't use a knife and fork (although he can eat fairly well with a spoon), won't sit down at the table (and today kept putting his feet on the table and laughing when we told him not to), obviously doesn't say please and thank you, screams if something takes more than 2 seconds - eg taking the lid off a yoghurt carton, tried to touch some people out on a walk today, and maks a revolting snorting noise (although that seems to have died down a bit this weekend). It's OK at home but is a problem when we go out- which is partly why we don't take him to many places.

NO wonder ds2 has me staring at him in amazement.

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