Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sitting on mummy's knee in public: Is this OK for an 8 year old boy?

53 replies

tigermoth · 30/09/2002 11:19

My 8 year old son went to a large birthday party recently. All his classmates were there. It was held in a playcentre and I happened to stay too, much to my son's joy. I was sitting away from the action reading a Phillip Pullman. I noticed with relief that my son and all the other children played well, no fights or tears and my son certainly wasn't short of friends.

From time to time, he bounded up and gave me a quick hug or sat on my knee. OK sometimes this was cupboard love ie he wanted me to buy him some sweets, but also it was just open affection. His classmates saw what he was doing but none made any comments there and then.

Anyway, in conversation with my dh later I happened to mention this and he waw horrified. He said I must discourage this now my son is 8 or else he will be a laughting stock amongst his classmates. I should tell him to save knee sitting and cuddles for home.

My son is openly affectionate and cuddly, so the party incident is not so unusual. He is also very used to cuddles from both dh and I.

I feel so sad that I might have to repel him when he's showing a little spontaneous and innocent affection. He is not clingy, and socialises easily. Boys, so we are told, can easily have problems showing their feelings and I really don't want to tell him to hide his. I'm sure that as he gets older, the cuddles will dry up anyway

However, I have noticed that most boys my son's age don't sit on their mum's knee in public, so I can see what my husband is getting at. Also he says that the children in his class are not letting him join in their playground games as much this term. This could be a passing phase and unrelated to the party. He has never told me he has been teased for being a mummy's boy. Though would the children say this to his face? Just in case, and for his own good, should I tell my son he might get laughed at if he wants a cuddle when we're out? or not?

Anyway, I thought I'd do a raincheck and ask you what you think.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jodee · 01/10/2002 08:47

Tigermoth, what a lovely boy! I'm sure as he gets older, the knee-sitting will diminish, but as Bells says, it's a credit to you that he is such a loving, affectionate child. It's this wonderful, loving upbringing that will turn him into a kind, caring adult with love and respect for women when he's older.

Original poster

tigermoth · 01/10/2002 12:58

Oh well it's easy to see what the general consensus is! that makes me feel more confident. I really didn't relish the idea of telling ds to limit his public displays of affection.

As you say, soupdragon, children would tease him openly about the cuddles if they thought it was something worth teasing him about. And mooma yes, I can't pre empt him being hurt if in the future there's a little cynic in the playground.

Cecilia, agree, wouldn't it be awful if I said something and he stopped ALL cuddles public and private? Can just see him telling a therapist about this in twenty years time. Reassuring to hear that your cuddler brother, Tinker, has gone on to make friends of both sexes so easily.

Janh, lilibet and everyone else who said let him decide when it's time to stop - spontaneous and open displays of affection should not be squashed. Sensible advice so that's what I'll do.

As for the teasing, yes, Janh, I think a few children are trying to look big by excluding ds from their games. Not too serious at present, but I will get a progress report from ds every few days to check it doesn't turn too nasty, and have arranged playdates with a couple of his classmates to strengthen the bonds of friendship.

Thanks for the raincheck everyone.

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 01/10/2002 15:16

Perhaps this is a cultural issue, but the idea of an 8 year old boy being "too old" to show affection in public to his mother (or father) is absolutely bizarre to me. My stepson is 8 and is more than happy to kiss/cuddle/show affection to my husband in public and both he and my husband are as "boyish" and masculine as you get. It never would have occured to me that this sort of public display of affection would be something that one would want to discourage. I suggest that this might be a cultural issue because in Italy it is completely normal for heterosexual men of all ages to kiss/hug each other hello and goodbye in public while here in England you don't normally see this except between gay men or family members in private. Anyway I think it would be a pity to discourage your son's obviously natural and comfortable relationship with you by teaching him that showing emotions of love in public is wrong or undesirable. (however that's not to say that you will want to condone his making out with his girlfriend in public at 16......)

janh · 01/10/2002 19:18

SofiaAmes, I do agree with you about cultural differences, we noticed it particularly in Greece where the young lads went around holding hands (25 years ago, this was, but I assume they still do it!) - it did look odd to us but is much nicer than the way some of our young men behave!

Still, I do think that as a nation we are getting a bit better at allowing men to have emotions and be affectionate - compared with the "stiff upper lip" stuff from earlier times - probably we have loosened up since the swinging 60s.

It was nice, at Princess Di's funeral, that one of the adults put an arm round one of the boys as they went through Admiralty Arch; nicer if they had felt it acceptable to do it in the open but, given the family, remarkable that it was done at all!

Tortington · 01/10/2002 20:18

my youngest son is nine, he sits on my knee all the time, he sits on his dads knee all the time too - to put this in context my dh is a proper northern mans man _ if u know what i mean, he doesnt like gay men, and his favourite saying when the kids fall over and cry is " i've had bigger cuts on mi arse"!! honest! no sympathy - no softies in our house i can tell you , yet this has never come up as an issue. its not like any of them sit on our knees in public very often , but i expect thats beccuase i have never really noticed it to comment on it - perhaps they do!! they just do it dont they!
and if truth be told .....shhhhhh, sometimes when dad is out at darts, me and my eldest 12 - 13 soon, sometimes have a cuddle on the settee, watch an action film and stuff ourselves with chocolate whilst the twins are in bed,.....shhhhh its our secret!
they grow up too soon, i hope all my children always give me a kiss and a hug, no matter what age they are

Hilary · 01/10/2002 20:51

I would only be worried if ALL he did was sit on your knee or hang around you but, as you say, he is a sociable boy and mixes well. Just be glad that he still does.

I hope my two still do at 8...

floops · 01/10/2002 21:13

Custardo - I think that is excellant! I hope I am still sharing moments with my two at that age and older!

rozzy · 02/10/2002 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

natascha · 18/10/2002 14:19

my 9 yr old ds still kisses me goodbye in the playground everymorning no matter who is looking and holds my hand when we walk along together, if he's not running ahead with his brother or his mates. he does not seem to be in the slightest bit embaressed and has plenty of friends.
long may it continue.

Original poster

tigermoth · 01/10/2006 15:56

update (4 years later) ds is now 12 and half - and is still sitting on my knee in public

OP posts:

Freckle · 01/10/2006 16:03

DS1 (just over 12 1/2) will still sit on my knee in public given half a chance. Has to fight DS2 (almost 11) and DS3 (8) for the privilege though.

southeastastralplain · 01/10/2006 16:07

blimey thought this thread was old! my ds(13) is very affectionate too ahh

WigWamBam · 01/10/2006 16:08

Tigermoth, I think that's lovely.

GeorginaA · 01/10/2006 16:08

Aw what a lovely update tigermoth

I hope my two are that outwardly affectionate when they're older

kama · 01/10/2006 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gillian76 · 01/10/2006 16:14

Good to hear

And amazing how many familiar names from 4 years ago!

MrsMuddle · 01/10/2006 16:27

That's lovely, Tigermoth. It felt a bit odd walking through the city centre today with my 11-year old. He still sometimes wants to hold my hand, but he's about six inches taller than me! I suppose in a few years he wouldn't be seen dead holding my hand. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Original poster

tigermoth · 01/10/2006 16:49

I too am wondering if the cuddles and knee sitting will continue once ds has the fabled teenage growth spurt.... if they continue, I will be very squashed!

OP posts:

UlySCREAMS · 01/10/2006 16:51

My eldest is almost 9 and still cuddles wherever we are Depends on the kid I think?

UlySCREAMS · 01/10/2006 16:51

Mrsmuddle glad to hear it.

Saturn74 · 01/10/2006 16:56

My sons are 8 and 10. Both are very affectionate.

DS1 will happily cuddle me or sit on my lap in public.

DS2 is less publicly demonstrative, but still holds my hand when we're walking, more often than not.

My DH and I are openly affectionate anyway, so maybe this is the reason the boys are not embarrassed or reserved about it yet?

If any of their mates teased them, they'd just laugh it off - but they haven't so far!

LadyTophamHatt · 01/10/2006 17:00

Any of my Ds's would sit on my lap given and chance...but with this huge PG belly I haven't got much lap leftgrin]

Lovely to see this again tigermoth.

divastrop · 01/10/2006 17:08

i got a bit confused when i started reading this thread and thought id gone back in time...honestly.i blame pregnancy.
anyway,my ds1 is 8 now and still wants a kiss goodbye when i drop him at school.dd1,on the other hand,nearly died of embarrassment on her first day at juniors when i went to give her a kiss goodbye.i think girls are less inclined than boys to be openly affectionate these days!

KTeepee · 01/10/2006 17:31

We visited a family last weekend and when the teenage son came in he went out to the garden where his mum was for a chat and put his arms around her (she was sitting down) while they talked - thought it was lovely!

KTeepee · 01/10/2006 17:32

Forgot to say his mate was with him at the time too.

Flip

1 2 3