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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sitting on mummy's knee in public: Is this OK for an 8 year old boy?

53 replies

tigermoth · 30/09/2002 11:19

My 8 year old son went to a large birthday party recently. All his classmates were there. It was held in a playcentre and I happened to stay too, much to my son's joy. I was sitting away from the action reading a Phillip Pullman. I noticed with relief that my son and all the other children played well, no fights or tears and my son certainly wasn't short of friends.

From time to time, he bounded up and gave me a quick hug or sat on my knee. OK sometimes this was cupboard love ie he wanted me to buy him some sweets, but also it was just open affection. His classmates saw what he was doing but none made any comments there and then.

Anyway, in conversation with my dh later I happened to mention this and he waw horrified. He said I must discourage this now my son is 8 or else he will be a laughting stock amongst his classmates. I should tell him to save knee sitting and cuddles for home.

My son is openly affectionate and cuddly, so the party incident is not so unusual. He is also very used to cuddles from both dh and I.

I feel so sad that I might have to repel him when he's showing a little spontaneous and innocent affection. He is not clingy, and socialises easily. Boys, so we are told, can easily have problems showing their feelings and I really don't want to tell him to hide his. I'm sure that as he gets older, the cuddles will dry up anyway

However, I have noticed that most boys my son's age don't sit on their mum's knee in public, so I can see what my husband is getting at. Also he says that the children in his class are not letting him join in their playground games as much this term. This could be a passing phase and unrelated to the party. He has never told me he has been teased for being a mummy's boy. Though would the children say this to his face? Just in case, and for his own good, should I tell my son he might get laughed at if he wants a cuddle when we're out? or not?

Anyway, I thought I'd do a raincheck and ask you what you think.

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Ghosty · 30/09/2002 11:53

tigermoth - I personally think that a son showing open affection to his parents is wonderful at any age. I am a teacher and the age I have taught most is 8/9. Boys of that age can still be clingy to their mums or they can try to be 'lads' like their mates - it depends on the child. As you say, as he gets older he will naturally be more embarrassed about cuddling his mum in public and I think it would be very upsetting for him to make an issue out of it now. Don't repel him as this will upset both of you. Keep an eye on his friendships and if you think he is being teased about being a mummy's boy then talk it over with him. I believe that children of all ages need to know that they are loved unconditionally and that they can love unconditionally. It shouldn't matter what others say. I think that if the mother is overpowering in wanting affection then that can be as damaging as repelling affection but you are obviously not demanding to be cuddled in public, he just does it because he wants to and that is great - don't stop it.

BTW - both my brothers - now fathers in their 30s still kiss my dad ON THE LIPS whenever they see him. We are a very affectionate family and always have been and the kissing thing is something that my dad never thought to stop and my brothers were never embarrassed about even in front of their friends.

IMO there is NOTHING wrong with displays of affection!!!!

Ghosty · 30/09/2002 11:54

AND ... I really hope that my DS still wants cuddles from me when he is 8!

Original poster

tigermoth · 30/09/2002 12:30

Glad to hear you approve, Ghosty, especially as you've taught that age group. I'd really like to agree with you 100%. I feel repelling my son's affection can't be good..... And yet, and I have been looking, I really can't say I've noticed other 8 year old boys sitting on thier mother's knee, so I do still have a niggling worry about it. Help!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 30/09/2002 12:42

I'd say don't make a big deal of it. I'll be delighted if my 2 boys still want cuddles at 8.

Even if his friends at school aren't letting him join in so much because of this, chances are it will pass fairly quickly like most things do at that age. I can't imagine a bunch of 8 year olds holding off with their teasing if there was a reason - surely part of the "fun" in teasing is the reaction of the child being teased. It may well just be coincidence anywayand still ass fairly quickly.

You could have a chat with your son and ask if he's being teased about anything? If he looks awkward about answering (ie knows why but doesn't want to tell you) you could ask him directly if he's been called "mummy's boy".

This is probably a bit waffley! Sorry

Batters · 30/09/2002 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 30/09/2002 12:56

I did, of course mean "pass fairly quickly" No asses here at all! Except me

Mooma · 30/09/2002 12:58

Tigermoth, let him be his spontaneous, affectionate self. At some point in the future, there will be a little cynic in the playground or elsewhere, ready to make him feel silly. Until that day comes (and it will) let him do what he feels. When he no longer feels it's appropriate/acceptable to cuddle you in public, he will stop, and together you can discuss the whys and wherefores of the situation.
You can't always prevent them from being hurt, and you can't pre-empt every issue. It sounds as if your son feels very loved, and that will help him when he faces these issues.

Ems · 30/09/2002 13:11

Tigermoth, funnily enough I as thinking similar things last week, my son is just 7 and I take him into the classroom each morning and we kiss goodbye.

I was wondering how many others still do, and whether the others would tease him, and at what point we stop.

But then I thought, maybe Im just being paranoid, I will check the others saying farewell and I bet the majority still get a kiss!

There will come a point that little boys will say yeuch mum go away!! I am sure!!

Cecilia · 30/09/2002 13:40

My son has always been very openly affectionate with both myself and my husband. There have been times in the past when I have felt slightly uncomfortable about him, for example, sitting on my knee or holding my hand in front of his friends. However, I felt more ashamed of feeling this way than embarrassed for him and did not actively encourage him to stop this is public. He is now a teenager and not at all clingy to me with a good circle of friends. I think the danger of putting your son off being demonstrative with you in public is that it could also stop altogther. I love the fact that my son still gives me a hug at home and asks my how I am.

I think the teasing thing is something you should not link with this and look at separately.

jasper · 30/09/2002 14:43

I think it's lovely.
He won't be doing it when he's 16 so enjoy it

Marina · 30/09/2002 15:27

I think it's fantastic that your lively, sparky boy is so affectionate in public and agree with all the others here, enjoy it while it lasts because I guess it will not last forever. It really does show how much he feels loved and that's a feeling alien to far too many children in our society. I can sort of see what your dh might be getting at but I think discouraging your ds is not the answer. People are too quick to want little boys to toughen up.

WideWebWitch · 30/09/2002 16:01

No time to write much but just reading the title I thought NO! You're never too old to sit on mummy's knee. Will write more later.

WideWebWitch · 30/09/2002 16:02

I meant YES! It is OK!

bells2 · 30/09/2002 16:04

It's a credit to you Tigermoth that he feels secure enough to do this in front of his friends.

janh · 30/09/2002 16:05

tigermoth, I understand what your DH means but agree with all the others who've said it's nice that DS is still affectionate and you don't want to push him away. I think the decision to stop being openly affectionate in public needs to come from the child rather than the parent - if he is aware of peer disapproval, and it bothers him, then he will reserve the cuddles for when nobody's looking.

"Not letting him join in" - why do kids have to be so mean? This often comes from only one child, possibly one not as self-possessed as they like to appear to be, trying to look big in front of a group, and as it makes the rest of the group feel included they usually won't object to the exclusion. Both my DS's have been subject to this at times and I think it goes with being polite and not pushy - "please can I play?" rather than "I'm playing!"

I think you're probably right and it is just a passing phase. Good luck!

Rhiannon · 30/09/2002 18:24

Tigermoth, my DS still does it but he is becoming self conscious at school. Why not ask him why the boys are being unkind, it may be completed unrelated. R

lilibet · 30/09/2002 18:35

My ds1 age 9 refuses to have a kiss or cuddle in front of his frinds, but is very cuddly at home in private. He will quite happily sit on my knee tho' and does regularly if we go to the cinema or at his little brothers swimming or football training where his friends are present. Let hime take things at his own pace and don't decide for him by either grabbign kisses when he says no or refusing cuddles in public.

robinw · 30/09/2002 18:44

message withdrawn

Lynne33 · 30/09/2002 19:24

I agree with Jasper, it's lovely that he still wants cuddles. Make the most of it while it lasts!!!!

Deborahf · 30/09/2002 20:18

Hi Tigermouth - I do hope that my ds will still want to cuddle and sit on my knee when he's at the grand old age of 8!! Seriously, I seem to recall my young cousins being extremely affectionate to their mum and dad (and visiting older cousin) when they were about 10 & 12. I always get a kiss bye bye when I drop him at school (as do most of the other mums from their children). So I'm hopeful.

FrancesJ · 30/09/2002 20:31

I think it's absolutely Lovely that he's so open and cuddly, I really do. I can understand where your worries about it are coming from, but I honestly think that it's wonderful that any child is so happy with his/her feelings and affections that they can show them in public. Even if he gets a bit of stick later on, the fact that he's unembarrased, confident, and not scared to ask for affection and reassurance surely will help him deal with it without too much worry or long-term problems?

leander · 30/09/2002 21:54

I think its great that you are still getting cuddles,I remember my younger brother being a very affectiate child and everybody loved it mind you he's 21 now and you can barelly get a civil word from him never mind a cuddle.I cant wait till my ds gives me cuddles he's only 8 mths old and we only get them when he is sick!!

CAM · 30/09/2002 22:29

Tigermoth you are so sweet! IMO 8 is still very young (however much kids try to act grown-up) so I think its fab that your son wants to carry on cuddling and sitting on your lap. I sat on both my parents laps till I was much older especially my dad's as I got rather heavy for my poor mother! I will be very pleased if my dd wants to carry on doing this when she is 8.

music · 30/09/2002 22:49

Don't worry about it tigermoth, it can only be a healthy thing to show affection in such a free and open way. If other people ever appear to have a problem with it, let it be their problem. I come from a very loving family and my brother(25) still hugs and kisses our dad, he is also very masculin, has big muscles, plays rugby, has never had any problems 'fitting in' and could take care of himself in a fight if he needed to. I think it's important for men to know their emotions and to be given love as well as learning to be tough, after all, they have feelings too and just like us, they also need to know how to proccess them....

Tinker · 30/09/2002 22:51

Yes, Tigermoth, I would cherish these moments. One of my brothers has always been extremely affectionate towards my mother and the other is like an ironing board if you want to get cuddles. And the cuddler was always the one who made friends easily and was popular with the girls. It didn't seem to cause any problems in his social circle.

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