Consequences

[NAB3]

So far we have used the step and corner
Sent to their rooms
Not allowed tv or computer

Nothing works - any more ideas please? TIA.

consistency is the key

if you keep swapping punishments they get confused

We changed things because the others didn't work. There is no point carrying on for months with the naughty step if it doesn't work.

NAB3 - sorry to hear you are having a little bit of local difficulty

Could you tell us how old? And how many?

Picking our collective brains is always a Good Idea

sorry NAB, from your OP it sounded as if you had tried all those things in one day.

Confiscation of treasured objects (never the teddy), with varying degrees - gone for a day, gone for a day right near the bin (to be toppled in if crime reoccurs - this would be for a crayon or something) - gone for a week, gone forever.

My boys always respond more positively to positive consequences, rather than negative ones.

The results can be identical. eg:

Negative: "If you don't tidy the playroom properly before 3 pm, I won't take you to the cinema this afternoon."
Positive: "If you tidy the playroom properly by 3 pm, we will be able to go to see that film you wanted."

Positive: "We have all had such a wonderful holiday, haven't we? Because you've both been so well behaved and we haven't had to constantly tell you off."
Negative: "If you carry on mucking around now, we are going to have a really miserable train journey home."

This morning DS1 said he hated DS2 and it was because the little one just wants to play with his older siblings. I sent DS1 to his room and when I went in later to see him he apologised immediately and said no when I asked if he really did. It all boils down to not have enough time, energy or hands to give them all the attention they want and need.

Why not avoid punishment for this kind of incident. He obviously doesn't hate his brother but felt pestered at that particular time. Perhaps you could concentrate on helping him to find a better way to express his feelings and turn his room into his sanctuary? Eg 'You must be feeling angry to say that about your brother. Seems like you need a little time alone' Hopefully next time he'll just say 'Leave me alone' rather than 'I hate you'

We are lucky enough to have separate bedrooms for our two so if you need to play alone you play in your room. If you play in the living room, you accept that the other may want to join in. Of course they are allowed to play in each other's room but only if the 'owner' of the room agrees.

I 've seen from your other threads that you've been having some difficulties with them and hope you find suitable consequences for the bigger issues.

I like roisin's post, agree that positive consequences are so helpful.

When you say things 'don't work' NAB, what exactly do you mean by that?

Is it that the behaviour doesn't change?

Because I do wonder if maybe you could change your expectations. I think it often takes a long long time for behaviour to be moderated, basically it's just waiting for the child to mature and get the message in time. You can give the consequence; great. Don't expect it to be a magic wand IYKWIM. Just because things don't work now doesn't mean they aren't working in the long term.

I tried most things with dd1, varying from naughty step to time out in room, to conviscating special items.
The one thing that did work once (is a huge undertaking though) was that i removed all of her prescious items from her room. Tv, stereo, books, ds, heelies - infact all there was left in her room was a bed and one teddy. She had to earn these items back. This did work, but i had a very messy room myself for a couple of weeks until she got it all back.

Also totally agree with otherside, that's so true about not punishing the sort of thing you mention there. It's definitely a case of pick your battles.

Your ds is allowed to feel that he hates his brother. He obviously does, at times. Rather than an opportunity to punish I think that's an opportunity, as otherside says, to build an extra bond between you and your child and their sibling! As in giving him a little hug and saying "We do get cross with eachother sometimes, I know. But ds was only trying to play because he loves playing with you so much. He loves having a big brother. Why don't you get your (whatever toy!) out and come and play that?" etc etc etc.

I don't accept that he hates his baby brother. Generally he adores him and I knew he was annoyed as he wanted to play with his sister on their own. Having said that, the LO misses them when they are at school and he just wants to be with them. I was only asking that they let him join in for 5 minutes as it was nearly time to leave anyway.

I mean nothing works as it doesn't change their behaviour.

I accept that maybe we need to be more consistent but it is very hard to keep going when we get such cheek and rudeness back.

Yes, but all children get annoyed and feel that they hate their sibling at times; I'm saying it's ok to feel that way. It doesn't mean you ALWAYS feel that way. It doesn't warrant punishment, it warrants love and understanding is what I mean.

I do think that consistency is your strongest weapon. Children may behave in ways we don't like, so we can give a consequence to show them we don't like it. THEY then, as soon as they are able and capable, change their own behvaiour. Take some of your expectations away, don't expect to be able to MAKE them change. That's up to them. As a parent you SHOW them how to behave and you give them a consequence if they behave badly. End of; that's your job done.

The behaviour WILL change as soon as they are able. Yes it's hard to keep going but what's the alternative? You do have to ignore cheek and rudeness IMO, and show them by example that that is not how we speak, in this family, etc etc.

I suppose I am harder on them as their behaviour has really deterioted lately and it is all the time. If they were genreally good I am sure I would get somethings go.

I accept I probably shouldn't have sent him to his room for saying he hated his brother. In my mind it was more for being mean to him and not letting him join in.

let some things go.

Trouble is you get into a vicious circle, the harder you are on them, picking up on every little thing, the harder it is for them to please you so they feel less like making an effort.

You can't always make the older one(s) to let the little one(s) join in. If they don't want to when asked, just pay attention to the excluded one (as far as humanly possible, I know it's not easy when you rushing round getting ready to go out).

If the older ones know that they are not always going to be forced to play with the little one or punished for not doing it, they will probably feel more like playing with him anyway.

I think I saw on another thread that your eldest is 6. Whatever his age, if he is at school he is old enough for you to bring up the subject later at a calm time. Explain why the little one wants to play with him and how he feels if he is excluded.

I have told the older one that DS2 just wants to be with him as he misses him now he is at school and he loves him so much.

I have decided to try and let things go unless they are getting physical.

Have just sat and had lunch with DD and DS2 which I don't normally do and are going to try harder. It will be a long day as DH will be late home tonight but I have made my bed and I will have to lie in it!

What do you mean ' I have made my bed and will have to lie in it'?

I decided to have all these children!

It's a lovely bed to lie in but you don't get much rest!

Have you tried using a marble jar?
When times are bad with my 2 DSs we use this method.
You tell them they are working as a team.

Whenever someone does something good you praise and give a marble or 2 or 3. For example if DS1 is letting DS2 join in with something give 5 marbles and make a big fuss.

However if someone does something mean you calmy say that you are removing marbles from the jar.

When there are 100 marbles in the jar each child gets to choose a treat eg going to the cinema, swimming etc.
They have to work together to fill the jar.
You can buy jars with 100 marbles in at most toy shops.
It does work and they do seem to enjoy earning the marbles.

Will give it a go. Any idea if Toys R Us do the jars?

We have tried sticker charts but I guess the 6 year old is too old for that now.

I think the marble jar sounds great, specially if you use it to re-inforce your praise; as in, don't make it too formal as in "You will get one marble for cleaning your room" or whatever. I mean, that's fine, but make it for anything and everything as well! "I'm putting a marble in because I saw you let your brother have a go" or "I'm putting a marble in because you all amused yourself while I cooked" just for the tiny little things as well, as I say, to re-inforce your praise.

And I would only take marbles out for the very, very worst behaviour - hardly ever. Far, far better to have the jar stop collecting than to have the jar go down in marbles, IMO.

I'd have thought Toy R Us would. We got ours from a local hardware shop that sells all kinds
of stuff.

My DS 8 still likes stickers. I think the key is to be consistent. The jar only works when you remember you are doing it. I sometimes start it, then forget before the jar gets filled, which isn't good as you don't get the full impact of them behaving well for a length of time. Hope that makes sense.

Also, the kids don't do enough good things for the reward system to kick in.