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Original poster

Beautiful and adorable, yet whiney and selfish........

35 replies

Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 12:12

Obviously not my DC .....

My friend's 2 yr old DD has real ishoos when it comes to sharing, and she will not let ANYONE touch (or even go within a certain distance) of her favourite teddy bear which she takes with her everywhere.

We have a regular playdate which is usually spent with her screaming and whining because DS has dared look at her/touch her/invade her personal space. TBH it is getting a bit tiresome, and unfortunately DS has taken to provoking her even more now as he gets such a reaction when he tries to play with her.

I'm not criticising my friend because I realise that I'm lucky my DS is good with sharing (most of the time - he is no angel), and even she is not sure how best to deal with this behaviour.

I just wondered if anyone had any experience of similar behaviour and any suggestions of how to deal with it?

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littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 24/10/2007 12:12

Oh I thought you were talking about me...

MamaG · 24/10/2007 12:13

I thought you were talking about me then

MamaG · 24/10/2007 12:13

1 second x post LL

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 12:15

Thinking about it, tis quite an accurate description of myself LOL. I haven't got a leg to stand on

OP posts:
littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 24/10/2007 12:16

ROFL

Hey MamaG, do you know if you go onto the ITV website, you can watch every episode of Commando online!

Sorry washersaurus!

MamaG · 24/10/2007 12:19

OMG are you SERIOUS? Do you have to pay?

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 12:21

Is ANYONE going to actually give me a proper response to my OP here ?

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perpetualworrier · 24/10/2007 12:27

My children were generally OK at sharing, but had one or two special toys they didn't want to share. I used to tell them before guests came, that they would either have to share it, or we'd put it away in a safe place until after they'd gone.

Maybe your friend could explain that if she can't manage without the toy for an afternoon, her friend won;t be able to come to play.

blueshoes · 24/10/2007 12:33

2 years' old is still VERY young.

Your friend can and should certainly start to encourage sharing, but I would not draw any conclusions about her dd's behaviour until much much older.

A useful tip is to describe it as 'taking turns' rather than sharing (which is a bit abstract for young minds). And not force the issue - it could make things worse as the whole-battle-of-wills at this age.

Now that my dd is 4, we have much more tools at our disposal to encourage good behaviour, including empathy, reasoning.

You would still be using distraction with a 2-year old, primarily.

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 12:51

I realise 2 is still very young and 'tis prob just a phase.

DS understands about taking turns because he has baby brother and they 'take turns' on the change mat, on mummy's lap etc), so he gets upset and frustrated when friend's DD won't share and it usually ends up with him being disciplined for pushing/hitting her, while she seems to get away the not sharing thing...yesterday it was over a big tub of crayons she wouldn't share

OP posts:
puppydavies · 24/10/2007 12:56

i wouldn't expect a 2 year old to share nicely all the time, if at all. pushing/hitting should be punished, sharing can only be encouraged. what do you expect your friend to do?

puppydavies · 24/10/2007 12:58

well, when i say "punished" it shouldbe addressed

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 13:00

But she doesn't share at all! I don't 'expect' my friend to do anything, was just seeking advice from those with experience.

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blueshoes · 24/10/2007 13:01

Tis difficult, isn't it, to police toddlers!

Is it just your friends' dd's teddy bear or anything she owns? If it is the teddy bear, then just avoid her bringing it over. If it is all toys, then maybe they are not ready to play with each other yet, since your ds aggravates the situation by provoking a reaction and then hitting her.

Honestly, short of distraction or snatching the toy away from your friends' dd, which is just as brutal, there isn't a lot you can do.

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 13:01

I spose I do think she panders to her DD a bit too much

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blueshoes · 24/10/2007 13:04

Yes, that could be one reason. But I think as parents we are allowed to pander to a certain extent, especially when they are young. Would you do something to satisfy another parent if it caused great distress in your ds?

Patience. It will all come with age. My dd who as a toddler would go hysterical if we tried to get her to brush her teeth until we gave up. Suddenly decided she wanted to do it, just before her 4th birthday and has been doing so without protest since. All in good time

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 13:06

What about the screaming when DS 'gets too close' or looks at her? She was screaming yesterday when my friend and I pushed the buggies alongside each other yesterday, because DS was looking at her.

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colditz · 24/10/2007 13:07

She should be made to share things like tubs of crayons, I see where you're coming from. Once took ds1 (years ago) to a friend's house, adn we ended up leaving because the child wouldn't let his play with anything and the mother just said "Oh, what can you do? "

Well, actually you can do quite a lot! You could say, "No, you will not behave like this, you may put 5 toys upstairs that you don't have to share, and everything else stays out. End of, Madam!"

I hate the way some parents feign powerlessness to avoid causing a scene.

colditz · 24/10/2007 13:12

Andf yes, it is very very normal toddler behavior, but it is not on a par with refusing to brush teeth - as that is hurting nobody but herself. To continually have your very presense objected to is very hurtful, even when you are only a toddler, and the child should not have been allowed to carry in in such an ill mannered fashion. Far too pandered to - she is in for a shock when she hits playschool (as I think a lot of only and first children are - ds1 did!)

Scootergrrrl · 24/10/2007 13:18

Is it an attention thing? Perhaps if every time she screams that he's looking at her or something daft, you could say very nicely, "oh ok, X you come and play over here away from whatever strange child is called and you (strange child) sit up here on this chair out of the way so he can't touch you." I bet she'll soon get bored.
She's got what she is saying she wants, and your DS isn't being punished or anything for his normal behaviour.

blueshoes · 24/10/2007 13:18

colditz, force dc to comply to our adult social rules at 2 years' of age (and make a scene) or wait until dc is older when she is more amenable to social pressure?

That is the dilemma.

I don't think the world will go to hell in a handbasket just because we allow our children more time to grow up. It could be that a 2-year old and her mum is ostracised at playschool (not that a 2 year old cares).

By the time she goes to pre-school and reception, I'd say she would be more centred and able to assimilate social mores.

I do advocate gentle encouragement BTW, not disinterested shrugging of shoulders. Just not my way or the highway approach (cue scremning).

colditz · 24/10/2007 13:24

OR you could look at it like this - make 2 year old comply with social rules - issue is forgotton within 10 minutes and children both get to play with toys OR allow 2 year old to dictate whether or not another child is happy and occupied - and the other child is screamed and cried at for 'looking at' her. Sorry, but an 'innocent' should not be the one to lose out because someone is too precious to intervene with bad behavior in case her child gets upset. One child is ALREADY upset - why is the whiny child special>?

Original poster
Washersaurus · 24/10/2007 13:29

Well I have happily explained to DS that her teddy is special and she would prefer it if he didn't play with it - he isn't that bothered by that one thing, and even makes the effort to give it back to her if she puts it down somewhere.

But I worry it will have a negative impact on DS' behaviour in the long-term because he gets disciplined for misbehaving AND suffers because she won't play nicely with him. My dilemma is trying to explain social niceties to him while he sees her screaming and whining all the time.

It is making me sad as they both get really excited about seeing each other every week and talk about each other all the time.

OP posts:
Scootergrrrl · 24/10/2007 13:30

What about the putting her on a chair out of the way?

blueshoes · 24/10/2007 13:30

Oh just a question of degree of protest from innocent child. I agree if "issue is forgotton within 10 minutes", then by all means brave the storm. But I have only had toddlers who get very hysterical and unable to calm down (assuming distraction failed already) and it sounds like the sharing/looking thing is a particular issue with this child.

I personally would rather avoid taking my dd to such situations (and cancel playdates, etc) if the other mother were insisting on dd sharing and making dd hugely upset. Or some toddlers are just rubbing each other the wrong way.

As I said, I believe it will get better with age.