How can I encourage my two year old to be more sociable at the dining table?

[icanfly]

This is my first post on MN, and I am keen to see if anyone has any advice for me concerning toddlers at the dining table.

We abandoned the high chair many months agoe because my daughter constantly climbed out of it despite being strapped in. We then moved over to a booster seat but the novalty of this has long worn off. We offered to let her sit in it without being strapped because she hates being restrained. All she seems to do is stand on her chair for a short while then climb onto the table, throw her food onto the floor and try to feed us with the food off our plates. We have tried sitting her on our knees but this does not work either.

We have always ate together as a family at the dinner table. We did baby led weaning, we never make her eat anything that she does not want to, and provide her with a small selection of healthy things to eat.

Where are we going wrong? Are we just being too unreasonable? If this is a phase then how long will it last? Any suggestions as to how we can make things a bit better. We are not finding mealtimes enjoying or relaxing at the moment.

you're not doing anything wrong.

No advice I'm afraid but just to let you know that dinner time at our house is like feeding time at the zoo

Howvere, I do feel sometimes that we force this "social" side of eating on children sometimes. My DS1 is 5 but he still doesn't see any reason why he should sit there when he's finished eating which actually makes sense to me

I woiuldn't worry too much at this age - juts keep encouraging her - or, let her get down and play when she has finished as long as she knows that she can't have anything else once she's down

I would have stuck with the booster seat, personally. I wouldn't have given dd the choice to sit unrestrained, either. (Hard-cow emoticon!)

I agree with NNB, I would have kept her longer in high chair/booster seat, strapped in if necessary.

I think this is one of those things that children just have to learn, whether they like it or not. Aside from the social aspect, it is not particularly safe to stand on the chair or climb on the table.

Alternatively, if you really do not want to restrain her, how about bribery/star chart. If she sits down and eats nicely she gets a star, 3 stars equal treat.

We let our DCs chose their own treats, not sweets, they chose things like extra story from Mum, or go out on the bike to the playarea. DD once asked that her treat should be that she was allowed to colour in with felt tips pens.

we've been there
things that worked for us
a) establish some boundaries.
eg. DS can only eat at the table sitting down in her chair. Any monkeying around and she has to get down. If she wants to get up she can go and play but will get no attention until you have finished
b) read to her and/or give her some one on one time while she is eating
c) pretend to steal her food

Agree I'd ahve starpped her back in - a proper harness(over the shoulder reins style) can't easily be escaped from. Can you go back to that or if not stipulate that she has her chair and place at the table. Pandering to her whims by having her on your lap or letting her climb need to stop as she'll just continue to push it. Only sit her down when the meal is ready on the table and introiduce some rules,such as she eats only when she sits if she doesn't want to take it away , meal over, and let her get down. If she wants pudding she has to be seated.

Be realistic too , she won't sit for as long as it takes you to eat and hold long conversations but with positive attention when she does as you prefer, trying to distract her when you see the signs of her starting to misbehave and losing interest in eating (ie throwing food) and finishing the meal before she gets to the point of climbing etc mealtimes may be more manageable. Gradually once you have some basics in place you can encourage her to extend her attention span.

ironically what made things harder for us was going on holiday in italy. Because all the places we went to for lunch were so good with children and the lunches were so yummy and long. We just sat and eat and eat and drunk while ds run aourn the resturants like a mad thing with all the other children, pausing briefly to top up on a handful of pasta or `larmi. Lovely for all three of us but v hard work taming a feral child when we got back!

thanks for the advice, I don't think that I would be able to restrain her. I am going to offer her with the choice of sitting on the chair and eating her food or going off to play. I'm not totally convinced that I will get the response that I am hoping for. Maybe it will click when she has the maturity to understand things a bit better. She still glazes over a lot when we ask something of her.

I did not think that I was pandering to her whims by letting her sit on my knee , she won't really sit there for long anyway.

Whitchandchips, maybe they have the right idea in Italy, you say that the resturants were good with children. I don't suppose this approach is realistic at home tho??

Message withdrawn

good luck,

also remember as she gets more verbal she will enjoy talking to you more at the table.

Is she recently turned two? or closer to three?
Personally, I would probably tell her she either sits at the table and eats her dinner or goes somewhere else whilst we eat ours.
But then I'm quite strict when it comes to things like that.
I would not allow a child of any age to climb on the table, or throw food around.
I also would strap her in.
Personally I'd say you were being too reasonable rather than unreasonable!!

She has just turned two. She is so physical and climbing has never been difficult for her. I think that this part of her brain has developed much faster than her ability to follow instructions and reason. She does not seem to understand the concept of choice, unless it is something physical and in front of her eyes.

Then you have to make the chocie for ehr for the time being. If she stands on chair or climbs on table take ehr downform the table. It won't take long for the association of food/chair to work and she has probably had enough to eat by then anyway. Her comprehension will develop quickly too. What I meant by pandering to her whims, was not a criticism fo your reaction as such, it is that by her resistance and behaviour that little by little she has conditioned you to feel anxious enough about her staying there and eating that she gets her own way easily. Be it no harness or sitting on your lap. If you are relaxed about letting her get down to play regardless of how much she has eaten but firmer with the rules while at table it will improve.

Friends' dd was like this and still(at 6!) won't sit through a meal without wanting to change seats, whinging about her food/drink, sit with mummy/daddy or get up and run around mid course and still expect to have food on the table as and when she decides to eat. They have never insisted she do otherwise at home or out. Difficult to take out anywhere other than Mc D's tbh.

Thanks LIZS, I will have to start taking her down from the table and putting her on the floor. We have been placing her back on the chair after asking her to get back onto the chair, she just climbed back up! I do hope that she will click soon. I will let you know how we get on.

I agree with LIZS here.
And make sure it's the sitting at the table that is the issue, not the dinner, you dont want to create problems with eating because of trying to enforce the dinner table rule.
Good Luck.

some children are just more active and struggle with being retrained. My DS is nearly two and strapping him in would result in massive tantrums after he's finished eating. He eats quite nicely but when he's finished, he's finished. I don't think it is reasonable to think an active 2yr old is going to sit still for the length of an adult meal.

I don't make him sit in the chair once hes finished however if we are out, then I give him something to play with at the table (eg pencils and paper). I think you should consider building up her patience in very smal amount eg 5 mins after she's finshed eating then she can get down and stick with that for a week then add 5 mins etc.

You are definately doing the right thing by trying to get this problem solved before she gets any older.

I once watched a mother run around the playarea in Ikea with meatballs and chips on a fork. When she caught up with her DS, he opened his mouth like a little bird, without stopping playing or even looking at her. He was about 6yo.

My dd (2.5) is also being a pain wrt eating at the moment...
What I am trying to do (and hope it will work at some stage...) is to put the food in front of her and tell her that if she is hungry then she should eat nicely (as she knows how to), and if she is not hungry then she should just not eat the food. Playing with the food in any way is not acceptable behaviour. She keeps us company and joins in the conversation until we are all finished (within reason...). And if she plays up too much and wriggles too much then she will get strapped on the highchair. (I seriously hope it will work soon enough...)
She did behave impeccably at a restaurant on Sunday, though... at least it works when we go out

I mind 2 x 2yos and have a dd 21mths all who eat well at the table on the whole.

If she cannot sit nicely she needs restraint to learn that that is the consequence for standing in her chair. I personally would resort back to a full high chair with complete harness and a tray that fits snuggly to her stomach so she can't climb out. Manners don't just appear, they have to be learned. If she throws her dinner just remove it and give NOTHING else until the next meal. This way, throwing food/ plate = hunger. She will learn. Although I am completely against smacking I have on occasions and with 2 prior warnings tapped dd on her hands for messing with her food, this has worked and she rarely does this now, she just says finished and passes her plate nicely to me or dh. Time out at meal times generally means the child gets what he or she wants i.e. not to eat and not to sit at the table. All my children have to sit until the end of the meal at the table to reinforce that not eating dinner does not = playing instead (this is the commonest reason for toddlers not to want to sit at the table.)

I definitely agree with posters who say that it is better to get a small child to sit with the whole family, eat and behave nicely for a short time (the time necessary to have a full tummy) and then let him/her get down (and go to another room and play and leave everyone else to eat in peace ).

IMO the most important thing is to get a child to understand that if he/she wants to remain at the table he/she must behave in a way that is acceptable and agreeable to everyone else at that table. Most toddlers can only manage a few minutes of this - so be it. It will grow on them.

Um, Tori, is that not a bit severe for 2 year olds?

I wouldnt say it was particularly severe. I wouldnt allow my DC's down until they had eaten what I felt was a decent amount and then they would not be allowed anything else. They both have wonderful table manners at almost 3 and 7 they sit at the table for every meal and do not start/leave until everyone else has.

Also, being as severe as suggested, will normally mean that it will be sorted after a few tantrums and not much time, whereas constantly making allowances will mean the refusal will continue.

Sometimes you need to just stand your ground and be strict for a few days/weeks and it will all fit into place.

Sorry, but does no one else think it unreasonable to slap a child's hand for playing with her food. And to take her food away and let her go hungry until the next meal. shock

My DCs know that they are not allowed toys at the table and that they are not to play with their food (which only DS does, and then only when he has had enough to eat, he gets a telling off and is allowed to get down from the table)

I do not agree with making toddlers sit at the table till everyone is finished. We have started now that they have to sit longer and we chat about their day but they are 3 and 5 and able to sit longer.

I agree with lorayn. When I worked on peads in Cyprus we had a boy who had poor table manners at age 6yrs. After a week on the ward with me both his diet, manners at the table and general behaviour improved 200%! It is harsh but as Lorayn pointed out, consistency is the key, start as you mean to go on. Children only learn concentration and patience by being made to know it is expected. If you don't expect it then you won't get it.

PS. As I have said, all my children eat well at the table for their ages, use a fork and/or spoon themselves and sit patiently until everyone has finished. Therefore I would suggest that most are capable if they know the rules.

Kinder, as I have pointed out, I did tap (different in severity from a slap) but not in anger and not bfore giving 2 warnings for her to stop the behaviour. She now only needs a warning because she knows that there are consequences which will definately happen if she continues to misbehave.

Well we will just have to agree to disagree then, as I find your methods do not sit well with me. But since you are not looking aften my DCs, that is ok.