Confronting my child's bullies mum

[Naz2009]

My 4 year old DD started reception this September and has been bullied from the 3/4th day of school.
A 5 year old boy hits, pushes and even takes her food from her lunch box.
Bullying has traumatised her. She wakes up middle of night asking if it's a school day tomorrow and cries herself to sleep in fear of school the following day. At the school gate as she is walking in she cries and screams out "I don't like school"
At weekend she doesn't want to do anything and won't even play. Constantly asking when school is and when she never has to return.
Teachers have made excuses for the bully on several occasions when Ive complaint.
Yesterday was the last straw when I saw the boy pushed my DD whist waiting to be called out at home time.
Walking out of school. I approached the mum.
I told her your son hits my daughter. Her ignorant self's comes out with "question is why does he do that. Your daughter must provoke him." I informed her your son, not only hits her. Teachers have told me he hits other kids to. Teachers have told you all of this. Can't you teach your son to stop. She said I take my son out. He never hits no one. I've never seen him behave this way. He very good. Listens to me at home. Her son then growled at my DD to which the mum takes a chocolate out her pocket and says "here you want a chocolate"
I walked off. I could see I wasn't going to get anywhere with her.
Both mum and son need a good slap.
Her thinking is all the kids in the classroom are bad he the right one.

Stupidly I feel as if I was wrong to speak to her. Should I have confronted her???

Stupidly I feel as if I was wrong to speak to her. Should I have confronted her?

I know you're upset and perhaps frustrated but approaching the parents never, ever works.

Have you had a meeting with the HT and have you put your concerns in writing? The school should have a anti bullying policy which is useful to read before writing to or speaking to the HT.

Depending on how the HT responds, I'd consider changing schools if that's an option.

I've spoken to the head of early years. I'm told the boy is an angry child and mum it's not just your daughter. He goes around pushing other kids some even bigger than him. Teacher has also said when she talks to him he cries. And the mum can't do nothing. As the boy has limited understanding.
But I see how he is mollycoddled. It's obvious the ignorant parenting is an issue.

I can see why you did it but it's not the approach that will get the results you want. In fact it could even make things worse. The school has a duty of care for your daughter and needs to be dealing with it. Get everything in writing. The situation sounds awful.

I hope by talking to the mum, I didn't just make it worse for my daughter.
If the roles where reserved, I would of been livid, apologised to the mum and there and then got my daughter to apologise for her behaviour to.
Thank you, for the advice. I have previously written an email to the head of reception. Now it's time like you guys have said. Talk to the head.

Definitely talk to the head and put everything in writing, even if it's just a summary of the meeting that you have with her.

Depending how long this has been going on I would be looking to take her out of this school. Im probably gonna get grief for saying this but in the mean time id be telling her to push him back & stand up to him

Disappointed by the teachers. That vile boy goes around pushing and scarring lots of children in the class. Even in the lunch hall. However the staff hasn’t done anything to reprimand him.
My daughter has told me he even kicked the teacher when she first started. That time I wasn’t aware he was bullying her.

Could you guys please advice me, should I tell the teacher tomorrow I’ve spoken to the mum?

To be fair, you don't know what the teachers have or have not done. They can't discuss another child's learning or discipline etc with you. You are not his mother. Sometimes conversations take place with children away from other children. Just because your child hasn't seen him being told off, doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

I would definitely take it up with the Headteacher if I were you. There is no excuse for your child to be hit, none at all. Write down all of your evidence, exactly what has happened so far, so you don't miss any of your points when you speak to him /her. You can also tell the school that you are willing to take it further if a resolution is not found.

At the end of the day, the child who is hitting may have some sort of needs, but they're clearly not being met if he is still behaving in this way. All behaviour is a form of communication. So it's up to the school to try and meet these needs. They also have a duty of care to your child and your child has the right to learn in a safe environment.

Straight to the headtracher now.

teacher first ,you need to allow a bit of time for things to be put in place, if things carry on then go to the head
talking to the parent rarely goes well

Bit unfair to call a 4 year old vile his still so young but understand you’re upset. It’s never ok to approach the parent she’s wasn’t there it’s the school who need to sort out what is going on. I hope your DD is ok and it gets sorted quickly.

Yes, I've learnt my lesson. I shouldn't of spoken to the mum. From her reaction it's clear she won't be sitting her son down and talking to him.
I've decided I will apologise to the mum tomorrow, for any upset caused. Not that I did.
But I know I'll be seeing her twice a day every day for the next 7 years. I don't want negativity.
I've already written a email and sent it to the head.
I also forwarded him the emails I've sent the teacher in reference to the bullying.

@girlmummy25

Depending how long this has been going on I would be looking to take her out of this school. Im probably gonna get grief for saying this but in the mean time id be telling her to push him back & stand up to him

The teacher herself has not only taught my daughter but told the other kids who the boy bullies to stick out there arms and hands forward and say loudly "NO Max NO HITTING"

It might not have been the best thing, to talk to the mum, but it does mean that your dd saw you standing up for her, @Naz2009. I was bullied relentlessly from when I was 10 until I was 16, and my mum did the sum total of bugger all about it. She didn’t offer me any encouragement at home, and it wouldn’t have crossed her mind to contact the school or the bullies’ parents, and I didn’t dare tell the school because I knew that would make things worse, and I couldn’t face that with no back up from home.

I honestly believe that part of the reason I suffered long term, from the bullying, is that I felt I didn’t matter enough to my own mum for her to help me.

Your dd has seen the exact opposite - she has seen you are right there in her corner, and I promise you, that really matters.

My heart goes out to you and your little girl.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

It might not have been the best thing, to talk to the mum, but it does mean that your dd saw you standing up for her, *@Naz2009*. I was bullied relentlessly from when I was 10 until I was 16, and my mum did the sum total of bugger all about it. She didn’t offer me any encouragement at home, and it wouldn’t have crossed her mind to contact the school or the bullies’ parents, and I didn’t dare tell the school because I knew that would make things worse, and I couldn’t face that with no back up from home.

I honestly believe that part of the reason I suffered long term, from the bullying, is that I felt I didn’t matter enough to my own mum for her to help me.

Your dd has seen the exact opposite - she has seen you are right there in her corner, and I promise you, that really matters.

My heart goes out to you and your little girl.

I hope you have been able to find happiness in your adult life and you no longer have demons from the past to haunt you. From my first hand experience bullying is life altering. Age 10-16 is such a sensitive age. Where so much natural change etc happens as we grow from kids to teens to adults. Can't express how saddened I am to hear, you didn't get the support you needed and wanted.

Thank you, @Naz2009 - I’m not sure I’ve got rid of all my demons - maybe I’ve made pets of them!

But I am sorry if I me-railed your thread - what I really wanted you to hear was how wonderful you are, for having your daughter’s back.

But I know I'll be seeing her twice a day every day for the next 7 years.

This is another really good reason why it's not a good idea to confront the parents.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you so much.

I witnessed my daughter being pushed again by the boy. This time I went straight to the teacher. Who actually got annoyed with me and told me "I'm sorry mum you come across as a mum who just thinks about her own daughter" she then proceeded to tell me off for confronting the mum on Friday.
Teachers have a duty of care to all children.

Well you already know that confronting the mother wasn't the best course of action. But I don't blame you for putting your child's needs first. As a teacher myself I sympathise with this one and imagine she's finding the situation frustrating - however, she should not have said that to you.

Again, go to the Head. Get it in writing. Be factual and calm. The school has a duty of care to your daughter - she should be safe there. If you are not satisfied you can report to Ofsted.

@surreygirl1987 I left the school today in floods of tears. I felt bullied by the teacher. As a teacher yourself. I'm sure you will agree the following things this teacher said to me wasn't professional at all.
She has been a teacher for 26 years and she is the current head of early years.
As I dropped my DD to school this morning teacher said. "Wait there mum, need to have a word with you" she then told me to come inside the playground and what felt like she attacked me.
Made me feel wrong to have spoken up for my DD I only spoke up after I had witnessed the boy hit and push my daughter.
She said he goes around not just hitting your daughter. He walks around poking everyone. unless I physically tie him up. I can't do anything. Your next child could turn out to be the same as the boy. You need to stop complaining to us a about him. You're lucky you have a child. There are mums who don't. She knows I had my DD after trying for 7 years to have her. She was trying to pull at my heart strings. She then carried on with "We are just going in circles. I've told your Daughter to push him away when he comes to hit her."
I mentioned to her as she is clearly aware this bullying has made DD very ill. Where a GP had to personally write a letter and tell the school to provide help in what way to keep her safe and happy. My DD had an autoimmune disease with no cure. When she gets anxious her body starts to destroy her cells at a extremely fast rate. We have seen her become ill back to back with her condition since start of school. The teacher cut me off and said I don't want to talk about this.
It's as if there is no right to care towards my daughter.
She spoke to me as if I was one of her students. Getting annoyed and telling me to shut up about all of this.

This is disgusting OP. Of course your primary focus is your daughter why wouldn't it be?! The fact that he's doing it to every child and so blatantly doesn't excuse it it actually makes it more shocking. Perhaps there's very valid reasons that he behaves the way he does that you aren't fully aware of but at the end of the day if he's abusing other kids and frightening them to a point that they themselves can't sleep and don't want to go to school then sorry but the school are failing to safeguard the other kids. I wouldn't stand for being patronised like this either. Take this as high as you need to and if it's at all possible then insist that your daughter moves to another class. I have no time for unnecessary drama lol but I can totally see why you're upset

The teacher was totally out of line. So angry for you.

You are doing the right thing to stick up for DD. The school are being pathetic.

Definitely you need to meet with the head if you haven't already. I don't know how this stuff works as my kids aren't school age yet but could you bring someone with you for support if you're concerned they're going to bully you or not listen? Also make notes for what you want to say to help you make sure you say it.

I would want disciplinary action against that teacher. I would also be finding DD a new school. By moving house if necessary. Bloody hell.

[quote Naz2009]@surreygirl1987 I left the school today in floods of tears. I felt bullied by the teacher. As a teacher yourself. I'm sure you will agree the following things this teacher said to me wasn't professional at all.
She has been a teacher for 26 years and she is the current head of early years.
As I dropped my DD to school this morning teacher said. "Wait there mum, need to have a word with you" she then told me to come inside the playground and what felt like she attacked me.
Made me feel wrong to have spoken up for my DD I only spoke up after I had witnessed the boy hit and push my daughter.
She said he goes around not just hitting your daughter. He walks around poking everyone. unless I physically tie him up. I can't do anything. Your next child could turn out to be the same as the boy. You need to stop complaining to us a about him. You're lucky you have a child. There are mums who don't. She knows I had my DD after trying for 7 years to have her. She was trying to pull at my heart strings. She then carried on with "We are just going in circles. I've told your Daughter to push him away when he comes to hit her."
I mentioned to her as she is clearly aware this bullying has made DD very ill. Where a GP had to personally write a letter and tell the school to provide help in what way to keep her safe and happy. My DD had an autoimmune disease with no cure. When she gets anxious her body starts to destroy her cells at a extremely fast rate. We have seen her become ill back to back with her condition since start of school. The teacher cut me off and said I don't want to talk about this.
It's as if there is no right to care towards my daughter.
She spoke to me as if I was one of her students. Getting annoyed and telling me to shut up about all of this. [/quote]
OMG this is heartbreaking. A teacher of 26 years needs a fucking slap or to quit. It is the teachers job to make all the children feel safe and secure. Yes there are a lot of things the school can do. What she has said to you is completely inappropriate.

Have you looked at the schools anti bullying policy.

If this was me I would be writing everything down in chronological order, from when you first found out what was happening right up until today. Email the head Teacher and chair of governors. I would be listing everything that’s happened to them, telling them the head of years inappropriate comments on people not having children that you have to stop complaining, everything. Demand action be taken on thus child and until they do you will be removing your daughter for her physical and mental health. If they threaten you tell them you will be homeschooling her, otherwise they will start threatening you with legal action for removing your child from school. I’d also send copies to the local authority. Once it’s in writing it’s on record and they have to act. They also don’t want to loose a child for bullying as the LA will investigate them.

I’d make sure you include any evidence of the bullying on your child’s health.

No child should go through this, especially so young. I would have pulled my child out by now.

@AliceMck great practical advice

@Aria999 I will do thank you.
The teacher is a liar. Every time I've spoken to her about the issue my daughter has raised. Teacher has first off all acted like she doesn't know. Giving me the shock face.
Once I told her, he took my DD grapes from her lunch box. She said no can't. School dinners sit different side to home dinners.
But then few weeks earlier she had admitted he has been disruptive in the dinning hall.
She is clever. Never responds to my emails. So to not leave proof behind.
But I shall do all that you have said. Thank you.