Confronting my child's bullies mum

[Naz2009]

My 4 year old DD started reception this September and has been bullied from the 3/4th day of school.
A 5 year old boy hits, pushes and even takes her food from her lunch box.
Bullying has traumatised her. She wakes up middle of night asking if it's a school day tomorrow and cries herself to sleep in fear of school the following day. At the school gate as she is walking in she cries and screams out "I don't like school"
At weekend she doesn't want to do anything and won't even play. Constantly asking when school is and when she never has to return.
Teachers have made excuses for the bully on several occasions when Ive complaint.
Yesterday was the last straw when I saw the boy pushed my DD whist waiting to be called out at home time.
Walking out of school. I approached the mum.
I told her your son hits my daughter. Her ignorant self's comes out with "question is why does he do that. Your daughter must provoke him." I informed her your son, not only hits her. Teachers have told me he hits other kids to. Teachers have told you all of this. Can't you teach your son to stop. She said I take my son out. He never hits no one. I've never seen him behave this way. He very good. Listens to me at home. Her son then growled at my DD to which the mum takes a chocolate out her pocket and says "here you want a chocolate"
I walked off. I could see I wasn't going to get anywhere with her.
Both mum and son need a good slap.
Her thinking is all the kids in the classroom are bad he the right one.

Stupidly I feel as if I was wrong to speak to her. Should I have confronted her???

Are you in UK op? You need to put something in writing to the head teacher as the teacher is not dealing with your complaint in the correct manner. Keep copies of all correspondence. They have a duty of card to protect your child. In the meantime, you need to give your DD coping mechanisms. Keeping out of his way as much as possible. If he hurts her, in a loud voice “no xxxxxxx stop hurting me”.

@AliceMck I've taken a screenshot of your message. I shall do all that you have said. If I'm honest I'm feeling frightened, to have to do all of this.
Teacher is a liar and quick to cover her arse.
She is disrespectful and rude.
I personally find it condescending how she calls the early years staff "my girls" what is she a pimp. If my boss called me that. I'd be having words.
I'm aware she has been a teacher for 26 years and is the current head of early years. School has a new head. He will for sure say to me, teacher has a crisp clear record. You come here 3 months ago speech.
It's best I go straight to the governors.
I just hope I can be strong enough to do this.
If I'm honest, yesterday I didn't even want to go collect my DD I wanted to ask my DH to close the office and collect her. I just pushed myself to go.
Today since I've been awake. I've got this horrible feeling that's getting stronger inside. I have to go to school, see the teacher.

@pilates Yes I am, behavioural issues or not. Teachers in the classroom has like you said "duty of care to all the children." That poor boy needs the correct help.
Teacher has always made excuses or denied things in the past. It's upsetting that after I witnessed the boy push etc my daughter twice in a week. Even then she never said sorry for missing that.
But had a go at me.
I'm a first time mum and this is my first experience of school and it's really teaching me something to.

Agree with all the above OP. Get it in writing. And in the meantime teach your daughter to stand up for herself. It's not her fault at all and shouldn't be happening to her but see it as a learnjng experience. Of course you shouldn't teach her to be violent but there's a fine line between violence and sticking up for yourself and not taking somebody's crap. I remember when I was in my first year of secondary school a lad twice my size tormented me for a bit. One day we were all queueing for a lesson and he took my bag and held it so high I couldn't reach it ... so I pushed him over and sent him skating halfway several metres across the veranda and the entirenclass laughed at him Not the most eloquant way of dealingn with it but I tell you what he never bothered me again ...

Agree with all the above OP. Get it in writing. And in the meantime teach your daughter to stand up for herself. It's not her fault at all and shouldn't be happening to her but see it as a learning experience. Of course you shouldn't teach her to be violent but there's a fine line between violence and sticking up for yourself and not taking somebody's crap. I remember when I was in my first year of secondary school a lad twice my size tormented me for a bit. One day we were all queueing for a lesson and he took my bag and held it so high I couldn't reach it ... so I pushed him over and sent him skating several metres across the veranda and the entire class laughed at him Not the most eloquant way of dealing with it but I tell you what he never bothered me again....

(Posted again without all the blurry eyed early morning typos lol)

[quote Naz2009]@AliceMck I've taken a screenshot of your message. I shall do all that you have said. If I'm honest I'm feeling frightened, to have to do all of this.
Teacher is a liar and quick to cover her arse.
She is disrespectful and rude.
I personally find it condescending how she calls the early years staff "my girls" what is she a pimp. If my boss called me that. I'd be having words.
I'm aware she has been a teacher for 26 years and is the current head of early years. School has a new head. He will for sure say to me, teacher has a crisp clear record. You come here 3 months ago speech.
It's best I go straight to the governors.
I just hope I can be strong enough to do this.
If I'm honest, yesterday I didn't even want to go collect my DD I wanted to ask my DH to close the office and collect her. I just pushed myself to go.
Today since I've been awake. I've got this horrible feeling that's getting stronger inside. I have to go to school, see the teacher. [/quote]
You should not feel that about going to your child’s school.

The governors will pass back to the head to manage but they will expect the head to deal with it. Given its a new head they are not going to want to have the LA getting involved and are going to want to look good in their new role. Dont think about the teacher having a clear record, chances are she’s not as squeaky clean as you think, but the school won’t tell you that.

If you are feeling so bad about dealing with the school do everything in writing. Tell them not to engage with you at the school as you feel intimidated and bullied by them gate and you want all communication recorded.

@Jannt86 a huge round of applause 💪🏼for you. Well done for doing what you did.
It takes a lot of courage for what you have did.
I agree nothing wrong in teaching your child self defence. Especially when I have witnessed a line of kids In front of 3 teachers and twice they didn't see what was happening.
In all honesty I feel on edge, it's bothering me that my DD is at school right now and anything could be happening and teacher isn't watching etc.

@Naz2009 Hi, I have to agree with most of the things you have said, I know the devastation bullying can cause and I would too probably react the same way even though I know it wouldn't help. That teacher is very unprofessional and you should definitely record what was said to you and put in a complaint about her, go directly over her head. I have worked in early years for many years and it does not matter how many years experience you have if you are making a mistake. If this was my child I would be inclined to remove them from this school if they do not have the right attitude towards this issue even though I am aware their actions are limited against discrimination to a child with possible learning difficulties. Other than that I would for the time being explain to your DD that this child cannot help what he is doing and he is not solely targeting her and she has done nothing wrong. If you do speak with the head it may come to light that they are dealing with the issue but inclusion states that they must do everything possible to help this boy with his issues which could take months or years to go through the process.

Hi @Naz2009 I'm so sorry for you and your daughter going through this. I can't believe how the school is catering one child that is tormenting the whole school. Your daughter is so small and I have a nearly 2 year old and I can't imagine him ever going through this. I can sympathise you going through the pregnancy, the birth, the sleepless nights, the teething and all the nurturing, love and comfort you have given your daughter for 4+ years and of course the autoimmune stress you have experienced only for your beautiful child to be tormented like this by another child who clearly needs to be in a different setting to control his behaviour. I think you should give a ultimatum to the head teacher and take your daughter out. It's not worth it. In the mean time, tell your daughter to stand up for herself and of course that it's not her fault that his behaviour affects her. I'm so sorry and I wish you a speedy resolution to this terrible ordeal.

@mumduty your message was heart touching. Thank you for understanding and being on my side.
DD has a rare condition. I believe it always helps when a disorder can be seen. If your child is physically healthy, and does well at school, with no mental issues. Then teachers wont think anything is wrong.
Then again this teacher can clearly see the boy needs help. Yet won't even think to provide the correct care for him.

@Naz2009 I don't particularly blame the boy or the parent although he gets rewarded with chocolate, so god knows what goes on behind closed doors! However, the school is not only failing your daughter and the other children but also failing this boy who has severe behavioural issues. He should definitely be in a different setting. If the school can't see the trouble he is causing to so many kids and the boy who has these behavioural issues is at the centre of these problems, then I don't think the school is fit for safeguarding and nourishing these kids which should also be another reason why you should take your daughter out. After all, your daughter is at one of those critical ages where her and the rest of kids should flourish and I don't think this particular school is right for her and the other kids. You are a great mum and well done for standing up for your child and she will be proud of you. You also mentioned it your daughter was the one to bully, your reaction would be different to this boys mum so this gives me hope and confidence that there are also parents who won't ignore such behaviour and take action. I hope it goes well and your daughters health and mental health is the most important, if they don't take action please but please take her out of school op even if it might be logistically harder for you. Take care of yourself and daughter xxx

@mumduty thank you so very much once again.
Yes I have decided best thing is to take her out of this school.
My situation has taught me many life long lessons. Which will change the way I see things and deal with them.
Even today I cried after the school run. All due to the way the teacher is behaving. Not just her. Other members of staff have decided to give me the cold shoulder. Turn their back and go cold towards me. It's very upsetting. I don't know why I seek there approval.
DH says think before you decide to can be schools. His argument is. DD could face a worse teacher or a child who actually a real bully.

@Naz2009 oh I'm so sorry, some teachers especially the ones who have been in service for decades could deal with things a lot differently(meaning not deal with it at all). I think if you are going to take her out, make it known to the other parents who's children have also suffered by this troubled boy which then they will follow your lead. If this happens again at another school, you will take her out again if the school doesn't take action. I was bullied back in the 90's but the school removed the bully, so problem was solved. Your child or you aren't the problem. You send your child to school for them to learn and develop, not to be beaten up and pushed around. Bullying affects everyone even fully grown adults in workplaces, imagine what it could do to your daughter at 4 years of age. This is unacceptable. Also I read somewhere once that you should do your complaints by writing in letter as they have to file them. I wonder what Ofsted would say if they see your daughter and some other kids changing schools because of the way they are dealing with bullying? I was in Primary school 30 years ago so I don't know how these policies work and my lo is nearly 2 years old, so I have no idea but the theme should be the same, write it up, send the letters, ask to see the headteacher and if nothing changes, take the kid out. Take care of yourselves and good luck xx

I would be wanting to change schools at this point purely for the unprofessionalism of the staff, even leaving aside the specific issues.

You can't know if another school has a bully but you can probably get a sense of whether they would treat you and your daughter with respect and whether they have a good anti bullying policy that they know how to (can be bothered to!) implement.

Report them to the governors/ ofsted on the way out the door.

@Aria999 you're right. I've been feeling I want to leave the school now all because of the teacher. I don't want to wait around until July when I see the end of teacher and my daughter goes to year 1 next September.