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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What exactly is 'telling tales'?

32 replies

unicorn · 17/10/2004 08:46

I genuinely am interested in thoughts/opinions on this.
Yseterday we were at a party, and dd 1 (5yrs) came in to see the adults(after playing with some of the other kids,) and told the mother of one of the boys that he had been throwing things at her.

Now another of the mothers just said, "oh stop telling tales"

It actually annoyed me, as I have always told dd to tell a teacher/adult if anyone is hurting her/bullying etc.

So my long winded question is.. What exactly is telling tales?

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pixiefish · 17/10/2004 08:52

I wouldn't agree that that was telling tales- telling tales is 'snitching' when someone is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone else IYSWIM eg- beheading flowers, going somewhere they're not meant to, smoking (when much older) etc etc

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 08:54

same mother also told her to 'just hit him back' too...! great advice (not)

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Freckle · 17/10/2004 08:54

It's a difficult one, isn't it? On the one hand, you want your child to be able to tell when another child is doing something wrong, but, on the other hand, you don't want them to become a tittle-tattle.

In my book, it's fine to tell an adult if a child is doing something dangerous or something likely to hurt another person (as in throwing something at someone). Telling tales is reporting bad behaviour to an adult with the express intention of getting them into trouble. For example, if I tell my children they cannot have a sweet before their tea, I would consider it telling tales if one came to tell me one of the others had taken a sweet. That child is not telling me because something bad might happen if I didn't know; they are telling me because they want the other child to get into trouble.

acer · 17/10/2004 08:56

Maybe it would have been better for your dd to have told you rather than the childs mother, although if a little girl came and told me that one of my boys had been throwing things at girls I would be glad to know!

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 08:58

that makes sense freckle.

it is very difficult, and I imagine must be a minefield for teachers to sort out.

At this age kids are just learning about right/wrong etc... and I think dd was confused - she thinks she is doing right (telling the truth) and then she is dismissed by a grown up.

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ScummyMummy · 17/10/2004 09:04

I agree with Freckle and think the other mother was wrong, unicorn, because your daughter was reporting a potentially dangerous/distressing event, not just trying to get the boy in trouble. I think the other mother was rude, actually, as I personally wouldn't say that to another person's child even if I believed it to be true!

It is a hard one to call sometimes though... there are kids who are genuinely shocked at even minor infringements of rules (classic with children with Asperger's, for instance) and there are others still who just like seeing their peers in trouble every now and then! I guess it's important to deal with each situation according to its merits and as sensitively as possible, even for a seemingly simple thing like this. Jeez- it's such hard work having to do that for every single little thing, isn't it?!

krocket · 17/10/2004 09:04

that would annoy me too unicorn; I agree that it's all to do with whether the behaviour is dangerous or deliberately mean.

Freckle · 17/10/2004 09:04

It was wrong for the other mother to tell her to stop telling tales. After all, it wasn't her child to admonish. Even if I'd felt she was telling tales, I would have said something neutral. Did you not say anything at the time?

I would have challenged the other mother, but then I'm a bolshy cow

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 09:08

no- didn't say anything to the mother, as I don't really know her, and it would have 'soured' the party atmosphere I think.

I did tell dd she was right to tell the truth though.

Yes this mother was rude (the type who thinks she is always right iykwim)

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Goldfish · 17/10/2004 09:10

It is very difficult. I am a TA and I do playground duty sometimes. I get children saying someone has put their tongue out at them, or she said she is not going to be my friend and so on. On the other scale someone will come and tell me that one child is genuinely hurting another which obviously needs intervention immediately. All children at our school are told if anything at all upsets them in the playground they are to immediately approach an adult out there. (btw I hate playground duty).

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 10:45

another query in this vein... have you ever told YOUR child to 'hit them back?' etc

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kkgirl · 17/10/2004 11:07

Telling tales is not what your dd was doing, she was asking for help and the mother should have dealt with it.
However as the mother of two ds's I can relate to it, as my dd does tell tales, she is very crafty at times and will say something happened, and although most of the time I haven't seen what has happened, occasionally I have witnessed the fact that nothing happened, and she just wants some attention, being the only girl, and she does feel a bit left out.

From the womans' attitude, her boy is probably like this a lot, and she can't be bothered to deal with it.

I will admit I have problems with youngest ds, who is very aggressive at home, but is being "treated roughly" shall we say, at school, not bullied, but boys who are friends can still play roughly. I have suggested that he shouts loudly to the attacker to make sure everyone is aware of what is happening, and I have said it is a pity you don't attack back like you would at home. I don't agree with violence, but sometimes you have to make it clear that you aren't going to put up with the situation. I was tormented relentlessy at Infant School by one boy, and eventually, I was so fed up with it that I pushed him back (on the way to school) and he fell into a bush of stinging nettles. I'm not proud of it, but he didn't come near me again.

It must have been a difficult situation for you, unicorn, but I think your dd did the right thing, I think I would have said to her, well don't play with him or keep away from him if he isn't going to play nicely.

Difficult one!!

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 11:11

thanks kkgirl, I was wondering about the girl/boy thing too...
Dd does like to play with the boys, and I have warned her that they do play rougher than the girls,(so to expect to get hurt sometimes)
but it seems to be a fine line between 'playing' (when everyone is having fun) and deliberately hurting.

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ScummyMummy · 17/10/2004 11:18

No, unicorn. But if my kids were being routinely picked on- physically, I mean- I would consider telling them that it is ok to hit back in self-defence, if they felt comfortable about doing that. I do think some kids feel a bit hampered by their parents' expressly stated objections to violence of any kind and sadly there are some situations- not many, but some- where a quick demonstration that two can tango at the fighting game will ease a situation. But I also would stress that this wasn't compulsory... some kids really don't do hitting back/fighting and it would stress them to feel that this was expected.

In short, one to be used with care, I feel, and I hate it being said to very little kids, as I believe that this is the age where, ideally, negotiation can be quite easily encouraged in a closely supervised environment, hopefully preventing later need to avoid/punch someone who has no skills in this area and prefers a fight.

Freckle · 17/10/2004 11:19

I have never told mine to hit back. In fact I go completely in the opposite direction and tell them that, no matter what the other child does, they are never to retaliate in kind or use violence in any way shape or form.

Quite apart from the risk of injury, etc., and the wrong message getting across, they should at least consider the fact that it is nearly always the retaliator who gets caught, never the one who threw the first punch.

ScummyMummy · 17/10/2004 11:21

kkgirl's nettle-shoving coup is exactly the sort of thing I was thinking of as an acceptable use of self-defence! I don't think you should feel ashamed of that at all, kkgirl.

kkgirl · 17/10/2004 11:22

Unicorn

Yes I agree with you, it is a very fine line between playing and deliberately hurting someone, and it can be quite difficult to intervene.
I am finding it very hard now my children are older, ds1 is all mouth, and I have tried to tell him that he is going to get a belting if he doesn't keep control of his mouth. ds2 is aggressive at home, but sensitive and gentle really underneath, and lacks confidence, so he is getting rough treatment sometimes from his own friends. I feel at their ages, that I have to encourage them to deal with it themselves, now, because as they grow up I can't be there fighting their battles.
Take care.

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 11:25

I agree with you all!!!
but in the nettle incident, I imagine it would be kkgirl who would get in trouble, not the boy who started it.

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ScummyMummy · 17/10/2004 11:26

Yes, but if the boy then stopped making her life a misery it'd be worth it, maybe?

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 11:27

like you said freckle (11.19)

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jampot · 17/10/2004 11:32

i don't encourage mine to hit back or retaliate but would turn a blind eye if ds hit one little boy at school back as he has bullied him for 2 years! Telling tales? i don't think your dd has told tales unicorn, and she should be praised for coming to find the adults to intervene instead of lashing out

kkgirl · 17/10/2004 11:35

Unicorn

Like I said I'm not proud of what I did, but I didn't actually push him into the nettles, I pushed him and he fell. It was wrong to do it, but people only bully because you are weaker and you are letting them, if you stand up for yourself then they don't do it. I could have make it clear verbally, but I didn't.
I didn't get into trouble because I was out of school, and who could've told me off, he couldn't really complain as he had been tormenting me for so long.
I agree with freckle to a certain extent, but how do you resolve it if talking doesn't stop the violence?

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 11:36

I agree jp, it's just that adults don't all (cliche warning!!) 'sing from the same hymn sheet'

Must really confuse kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

unicorn · 17/10/2004 21:14

Have been thinking about this, and it's still confusing me.

I want to teach dd to stand up for herself, I don't want her to be bullied,I want her to tell the truth, and feel she can go to an 'adult' of responsibility if needs be...

But I also realise kids,(like some adults)can get pleasure from getting others in trouble - and I know some of the girls in dd's class take delight in 'telling teacher on xxx'.. (even when xxx has done nothing wrong)

It's a minefield to me... someone PLEASE simplify it all.

OP posts:

jampot · 17/10/2004 21:21

I think just by teaching her to be assertive and have strong morals should keep her out of trouble as it were and give her the strength to fight her corner verbally. Then when she's older teach her to hit back when no-one's looking only joking!

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