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Original poster

Leaving babies to cry can result in "Shutdown Syndrome"

175 replies

morningpaper · 03/10/2007 19:46

I read this on Dr. Sears and thought it was very interesting.
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THE SHUTDOWN SYNDROME
Throughout our 30 years of working with parents and babies, we have grown to appreciate the correlation between how well children thrive (emotionally and physically) and the style of parenting they receive.

"You're spoiling that baby!" First-time parents Linda and Norm brought their four-month-old high-need baby, Heather, into my office for consultation because Heather had stopped growing. Heather had previously been a happy baby, thriving on a full dose of attachment parenting. She was carried many hours a day in a baby sling, her cries were given a prompt and nurturant response, she was breastfed on cue, and she was literally in physical touch with one of her parents most of the day. The whole family was thriving and this style of parenting was working for them. Well-meaning friends convinced these parents that they were spoiling their baby, that she was manipulating them, and that Heather would grow up to be a clingy, dependent child.

Parents lost trust. Like many first-time parents, Norm and Linda lost confidence in what they were doing and yielded to the peer pressure of adopting a more restrained and distant style of parenting. They let Heather cry herself to sleep, scheduled her feedings, and for fear of spoiling, they didn't carry her as much. Over the next two months Heather went from being happy and interactive to sad and withdrawn. Her weight leveled off, and she went from the top of the growth chart to the bottom. Heather was no longer thriving, and neither were her parents.

Baby lost trust. After two months of no growth, Heather was labeled by her doctor "failure to thrive" and was about to undergo an extensive medical exam. When the parents consulted me, I diagnosed the shutdown syndrome. I explained that Heather had been thriving because of their responsive style of parenting. Because of their parenting, Heather had trusted that her needs would be met and her overall physiology had been organized. In thinking they were doing the best for their infant, these parents let themselves be persuaded into another style of parenting. They unknowingly pulled the attachment plug on Heather, and the connection that had caused her to thrive was gone. A sort of baby depression resulted, and her physiologic systems slowed down. I advised the parents to return to their previous high-touch, attachment style of parenting?to carry her a lot, breastfeed on cue, and respond sensitively to her cries by day and night. Within a month Heather was again thriving.

Babies thrive when nurtured. We believe every baby has a critical level of need for touch and nurturing in order to thrive. (Thriving means not just getting bigger, but growing to one's potential, physically and emotionally.) We believe that babies have the ability to teach their parents what level of parenting they need. It's up to the parents to listen, and it's up to professionals to support the parents' confidence and not undermine it by advising a more distant style of parenting, such as "let your baby cry-it-out" or "you've got to put him down more." Only the baby knows his or her level of need; and the parents are the ones that are best able to read their baby's language.

Babies who are "trained" not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant, or "good" babies. Yet, these babies could be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their needs. They may become children who don't speak up to get their needs met and eventually become the highest-need adults.
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eggontoast · 03/10/2007 22:41

I am interested in all the opinions. I have never ever left my baby to cry. I would never under any circumstances. I dont really understand why anyone could or would. Perhaps I am very narrowminded. I feel when a baby is crying it is stressed and it is my job to calm it. If it sleeps when I sleep or would like it to then great, if not then I have to deal with it as its my responsibility. Sorry if this offends. I would grateful if advocates of either cc or leaving etc. would try and open my mind further.

PeachesMcScream · 03/10/2007 22:59

Sorry Desi, am a little surprised that I'm still so sensitive about it after several years. It was a very stressful time. And I agree about the academics to a certain extent. But at least it was someone to suggest an alternative method to the "oh they just sleep anywhere" approach.

(pssst, I'm a Gina fan - who is academic in the sense that she's never had children herself. When taken with a suitable pinch of salt she saved my sanity and my son was a happier boy. )

But to be fair, this thread shouldn't be about CC. The OP is more about UNcontrolled crying and abandonment.

Desiderata · 03/10/2007 23:03

Ah, I'm sorry if you felt my posts were preachy, peaches

I'm not equipped to judge in any event. I've only had the one, and he's always been a good sleeper. I know enough about kids to know that if I had No.2, the whole thing would probably be different.

Sleep deprivation is crap. I can understand why anyone would resort to anything in order to get over it.

Hey! Let's all look forward to the teenage years, when they don't get out of bed at all

PeachesMcScream · 03/10/2007 23:10

Bizarrely it wasn't sleep deprivation. Waking in the nights was manageable. It was the crying in the day time that nearly broke me.

LOL at near poem. Am sure a name change to PeachesPreaches will be in order at some stage.

eggontoast · 03/10/2007 23:11

My DS wakes up on average between 3 and 5 times each night. I have made my choice to bf and co sleep so there is no crying or lack of sleep involved. As far as I can tell there are numerous ways of getting through the night depending on other choices made, ie cot and bottle, breast/cot etc. and each and every one of us needs to do the best for our child in our own circumstances, but if there is medical reshearch that says prolonged crying is detrimental in any way, I would never do it(i didnt co sleep for the first 3 months and have only ever bf so I know about sleep deprivation)! Good luck to us all!!

tori32 · 03/10/2007 23:21

I think for me the problem was that dd never just fell asleep anywhere from day 1. Except feeding, which was a nightmare because she would hardly take a full feed which affected my supply badly. I also had several days of screaming for hours on end, so resorted to specific 'cot' times. Once day time sleep was sorted the nights quickly fell into place.

eggontoast · 03/10/2007 23:27

mine never cried, because he was always attached to me (sometimes more than 12 hrs) he would have cried had I not done this. I am very laid back and have just gone with the flow, not worried about milk, just kept on offering. now he is 1 and I am still night feeding, he wakes, starts to cry until he finds me! Thats how I like it. People may say he'll be spoiled. I just follow my heart.

hunkermunker · 03/10/2007 23:32

Can we put the Dr Sears and CV in a room together, please?

And have someone typing their conversation out for us on here?

hunkermunker · 03/10/2007 23:32

the Dr Sears?!

tori32 · 03/10/2007 23:45

eggontoast - How could DH and I have gone to a lovely wedding ALONE and thoroughly enjoyed an uninterrupted and well deserved meal, with a few glasses of wine and ended it with a lovely LIE IN after a FULL NIGHTS SLEEP, while dd stayed with DGP overnight, if I had chosen your method. Sorry, hats off, I did want some nice (forgotten) things back in my life! PS DGP's live 5 hours away so certainly a rare treat for us.

hunkermunker · 03/10/2007 23:54

Tori, my DS2 - he's the same age as your DD, doing all you say and additionally is learning phonics and numbers (yes, really). He slept not much at all for the first, ooh, 15m of his life and I carried him a lot in a sling.

I say this not to boast, btw. More that lists of braggings are meaningless when you can't raise the same child twice. I have no idea whether DS2 would be doing what he does now if I'd left him to shriek, just as you have no way of knowing what your DD would be like raised differently.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:00

Desi - you really should have another child.

I thoroughly recommend it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:02

I think, if possible - everyone should have more than one child.

tori32 · 04/10/2007 00:13

hunker, the list wasn't to brag, merely to point out why IME I felt is was crap. To emphasise the point that my dd having had cc from that age is not scarred emotionally, mentally or physically and is actually advanced if anything, not stunted.

I didn't slate the attachment parenting, just that the other method causes the above mentioned problems is not true IME

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:16

We'll see

You just wait till you have your 2nd one too.....

AitchTwoOh · 04/10/2007 00:21

it's a bit early to pronounce on that one, i'd say. by the way, my child is cleverer than your child.

hunkermunker · 04/10/2007 00:23

Come on, Tori, it was a bit braggy

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:23

My children are cleverer than your child. Mwahahahaha first time is just a fluke you know

hunkermunker · 04/10/2007 00:25

[mother of two]

Phonics, I tell you. And numbers.

And as for DS1 Full alphabet before he was two. Amayzing, I tells ya

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:27

Yes, but you did have him sat watching countdown every day hunker.

hunkermunker · 04/10/2007 00:32

Not every day.

Not Sunday

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2007 00:34

No, Sunday's are for back episodes of deal or no deal

Sakura · 04/10/2007 01:46

I like Dr Sears and agree with a lot of his opinions. tori, just because a baby is less chatty and needs less cuddles from her mum (like the AP child you mentioned) doesnT mean they are less secure. It means the opposite. I know its controversial but I think that possibly CC isnt that great for babies.

Susianna · 04/10/2007 06:58

I find this fascinating - though it seems natural and obvious. My second baby is what people describe as a 'good' baby - how I hated that expression when I had my first,. as if crying were somehow not allowed - and my first did cry a lot more, probably because I was extremely anxious.
This time I am much more relaxed. I respond to him when he calls out or nuzzles or looks at me in that urgent, steady eye contact, arm wriggling and leg kicking way that they do when they need you to pick them up (I find if he looks away easily he isn't too fussed, but the maintaining eye contact is a definite sign, 'pick me up Now, please mummy'

  • and apart from having a few (and I mean, a few) days where he has been unsettled and needed more carrying around than usual, or cried for perhaps 20 minutes maximum in a way I could not stop or help him with easily, the rest of the time I don't think he has really cried at all - sleeps well, feeds during the night and day when he wants to, and when he does rarely cry he is picked up straight away and held till he stops. He is one of the fattest and happiest and most undemanding babies I've ever seen - my first was also fat and smiley but he did cry more and wasn't what I'd call 'good' in that way, if people asked. I do believe that a baby who is listened to is happier and healthier. I think my 'docile, compliant and good' baby is a product of attachment. Certainly not a depressed baby! I think it can work both ways - if ignored continually they just learn to stop trying, that's all

Btw I'd love to see which of the babies on that programme learns to smile first after all the forbidding of eye contact. What a load of bullsh*t.

Susianna · 04/10/2007 06:58

Ps he is now nearly 4 months old