Inappropriate behaviour in 5 year old girl -bit long (sorry) - advice?

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

It is inappropriate "sexual" behaviour. Please don't read the rest if you will be upset (well I am upset by it but I hope you get what I mean)

A friend at work has a neighbour with two LOs. The father moved out a few months ago. The mother has always sounded somewhat .. erm... irresponsible, which came to a head when she walked out for three weeks leaving her kids with any family member who would take them, while she moved in with her latest bloke (there have been several). At which point the father moved back, cleaned up the house (apparently it was bad), deflead the pets (and the house), cleaned up the kids, spoke to the landlord and took over the tennancy.

The dad sounds like he is trying really hard to provide a better environment for the kids (he used to come back and take them to school after he moved out, because otherwise they wouldn't be taken most days ), and has costody now; she has access on condition that she no longer drinks infront of them etc.

Thing is the dad has said to my friend that the little girl is behaving inappropriately towards her brother, particularly being very very interested in his.. erm.. willy. My friend has witnessed some of that, but not the bit in the bath where she sucked her little brother's.... (sorry can't even type it)

I have said that to my friend that he should be contacting someone to get help for her, and I know that he will be mentioning it to his solicitor. But I feel really sad his DD. I mean that isn't normal is it?

Advice?

I'd be more inclined to give the girl the little talk and wait a while - or see what (if anything) she says. Because it can make the situation worse if social services go in all guns blazing (and it's been a matter of the little girl seeing adult sexual behaviour by accident(OK carelessness) rather than being assaulted by an adult) - a small child can get the idea that he/she has done something unspeakably awful and is a Bad Person if a huge fuss is made.

What about suggesting the dad calls one of the specialist support lines? Something like the NSPCC or Parentline? It may be better to explore the issues before going in all guns blazing to SS, especially as things are unsettled at the moment. It may be that some specialist support/councelling for the little girl may be able to find out what she has/hasn't seen or experienced in a gentle way. Sometimes when you enter the health or social care system things can escalate very quickly.

I would get professional advice - even if you feel uncomfortable about it. We just cannot take the risk that the little girl has been abused and leave it.

Ettenna: trouble is, if the child has not been abused then intrusive questioning and lots of fuss may distress her far more than the original seeing-gorwn-ups-bonking incident. I think the advice to call Parentline etc is very good: expert advice without necessarily bringing in the heavy artillery.

My gut instinct is that now she is with her dad, who is a much more stable influence, and was really upset by what he saw according to my friend, then he should maybe have the talk, see how it goes, and watch her behaviour.

But as I say, I don't know them at all, I don't even know their address.

I will show this thread to my friend tomorrow

Just read your dilema- i have a son who is now 7- he has never seen anything untoward in his entire existence but has been frighteningly highly sexed from the age of around 3. We had awful situations with him and my neighbours' daughter whose mother found them in really compromising positions at around the age of 4, she brought my son back to me and she looked like she'd seen a ghost, she explained what she'd found them doing and suggested that it must be learnt behaviour. We are, thankfully still friends. All i can say is that making judgements about what children are capable of on their own is very dangerous territory especially if it involves a potential custody battle, this son of mine is a tricky one to say the least and always has been- at a very young age he would ask me if i would 'suck his willy'- not kidding!! He has seen nothing, ever that would give him any ideas or insights into adult sexual behaviour, it is arcane knowledge perhaps. Do not assume anything- assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups! I'm very pleased for all of you that have children who behave in a 'normal' spectrum this kind of stuff is uncomfortable reading but can come from middle-class suburbia without any reason, we must never demonise people without facts.

Just to add insult to injury and shake up everyone there who are assuming this child has either been sexually abused or witness some kind of porn-fest, my niece and nephew (son and daughter of two oxford graduate mathmaticians) were once over-heard by their mother whilst in the bath aged 5 and 6, 'lets see if it will fit in there'. My sister in-law ran into the bathroom as they were being highly creatively experimental, needless to say they bath individually now. However just to point out their parents were so never at it. My sister-in-law was so traumatised that she couldn't even tell her husband for fear that he would send them to seperate boarding schools! again this is a tricky issue but is not unheard of, dealing with it in a sensible even-handed way is the only option. The amount of times i've had to yell up the stairs to my son 'no getting naked and keep your door open please' we need pinches of salt here ladies and gentlemen, some of your reactions are terrifying- if you were jurors you would have strung this woman up!! Lets try and be a little less draconian shall we?? p.s. has anyone seen the herbal essence ad where the lady is making cum noises aka when harry met sally- my kids copy that all the time- very unnerving!

Why cant the dad just sit her down and talk to her??????? it's what being a parent is all about. do we not think it would be better if he spoke to her and not some complete stranger that would scare the living shit out of her.Dad should go about it in a tactical way and ask her if anything happened to her when mummy was bringing strange home.

strange men i mean