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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My daughter hates me...please help.

28 replies

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 10:12

First time using Mumsnet. I'm so desperate.
For the last 2 weeks my 2.5 year old toddler absolutely hates being around me. She screams hysterically at everything I try to do. I cant even manage to change her nappy in the morning. She becomes in such a hysterical state that she has made herself sick. It's only been happening for the last couple of weeks, prior to that absolutely no problems. If somebody else (ie my partner or mum) does something she seems fairly happy but the second I walked into her room this morning she screamed. In my desperation I got my husband to come back from work...she was back to being happy. The second he went back she started kicking me and screaming this wailing hysterical scream.

I feel so down and at my wits end. I've got doctors to ring me later to rule out anything underlying like an infection of some sort but its honestly just when I am on my own with her.

What have I done wrong? The only thing different is my husband went back to work after being furloughed but that was about a month ago.

Any advice, tips, anything please please, anything could help.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 10:25

Anyone? Sorry to sound so desperate but it's just that...I am. Totally desperate. Feel a complete failure as a parent and at my wits end.

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Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 11:09

Anyone?

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Eggcellent29 · 02/07/2020 12:53

Hiya!

I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you and your daughter. It sounds incredibly draining!

How are your daughters communication skills? Would it be possible for Dad to have a chat with her about it? Nothing too formal, perhaps a little walk and a chat might help her?

It could also be a bit of a self-fulfilling cycle - you worry she is going to kick off so you feel tense, she then picks up on that and kicks off. No judgement or blame meant there at all - we’ve all done it!!!

A little shake up in routine may help - when you know Dad is leaving for example, could you get her ready and pop out? Just to break that moment up and hopefully distract her so she ‘forgets’ to get upset?

Eggcellent29 · 02/07/2020 12:55

Also, you are not a failure at all.

Your daughter loves you dearly. Our children act out the worst with us because we are their safe place - it’s like the kid who has a bad day at school and then kicks his Mum when she picks him up, he is overwhelmed by the experience of the day and able to let those feelings out when he feels safe again with Mum. It’s not very nice for Mum, but the kid isn’t actually cross with her, if you see what I mean.

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 13:00

Oh thank you for replying, I have been going out of my mind!

It started as the occasional tantrum now and then but now it's a few meltdowns per day, some lasting over an hour, shaking and kicking.

This morning it started as I went in when she woke up. She took one look at me and the meltdown started. Then having to change nappy, get changed, have breakfast etc seems to just exacerbate it.

It seems absurd to think just a few weeks ago I managed to get ready while she sat playing in her cot, then happily got on with the day, but it's such a severe change and so sudden.

I think her dad could try to talk to her although I'm not sure how much she would understand but absolutely worth a shot!

I'm not sure how to remove the 'triggers' when they are getting her out of bed and taking off her nappy.

Thank you again for replying. I think I will try shaking up the routine a bit, it's been the same day in day out since the start of all of this coronavirus. Maybe shes bored? Just wish I knew if it was normal or something I should be really worried about.

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Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 13:29

Doctor wasnt too helpful, said it was night terrors. I told dr it was happening when she was awake, not asleep but she said to read up on night terrors and hung up. Not sure where this leaves me, I will try health visitor ans hope she lets me explain better.

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june2007 · 02/07/2020 13:37

I would suggeat talk to hv. At moment it,s difficult as groups that would be open aren,t but I mean a 2 year old having a tntrum is as normal as it gets. Focus on one thing ey nappy timer, what clams her down, what triggers her. How can you make this more enjoyable, how can she help./ Be involved. Would she look at a book whilst you change her. Can you sing nursery rhymes. Can you do reward for good behaviour. If you let me change your nappy, you can have your favourite story. (for instance, obviously you have to change her nappy but it,s if she cooperates.).

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 13:45

She gets so out of control so quickly it seems that reasoning isnt possible. Shes had the odd tantrum here and there of course but this is something so different, it's like a meltdown where she doesn't even know what's happening anymore. You cant reason with her, its just violent shaking, screaming and making herself sick from screaming.

This has all come on multiple times per day over the course of a week and a half. It's hard to put into context...I'm pretty used to normal tantrums but this is something I have never encountered and nothing at all stops her shaking or screaming. Eyes rolling about everywhere and almost a loss of noticing her surroundings.

Hopefully health visitor can give some advice. Maybe its normal and I'm being really naive but I've got twin boys so I'm pretty used to bad behaviour...this seems something out of this world.

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june2007 · 02/07/2020 15:47

Is it related to sleep? Hunger?

Jannt86 · 02/07/2020 16:10

Think really hard. Is she ACHEIVING anything from the tantrums? Does she get to see her dad for example? You mentioned bringing him him from work. Could it even be a separation anxiety thing regarding dad or other loved ones? It's hard I know but I would just remain really calm and stay present and explain to her that you're sorry she's so distressed but this isn't how she gets something and when she's a bit calmer explain that she has to use her words if she wants something and you'll do your best to help her. Make sure that she isn't getting a thing out of behaving like this and make sure that you talk it through when she's calm. Also get it out your head that she hates you. You are your 2.5 YO's world and she loves you and wants to please you intensely. She hasn't just woken up one day and decided she hates you and being in that mindframe will just make you resent her and much more intolerant of her meltdowns which is exactly what she doesn't need right now. Best of luck. Keep calm, carry on and know that it won't be forever xx

Jannt86 · 02/07/2020 16:14

PS at 2.5 I'd say she's just about old enough to understand consequences and start understanding that she's in control of her own decision making and forward planning too eg 'oh that's a shame. You spent so long screaming and shouting instead of putting your clothes on like mummy asked that now we don't have time to go to the park. Maybe tomorrow you'll choose to get dressed quicker so that we can make it there' Don't be emotional or judgemental yourself about it in any way but just explain the cause and effect in a factual way at a time when she's calm enough to process and rationalise it, perhaps shortly after she's calmed down from the tantrum

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 16:18

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Seems like some of your suggestions are so obvious but it's so hard to see when you are in the thick of it. Still waiting for HV to call back but honestly just reading these replies has put some things into perspective for me. I just felt so overwhelmed this morning, I wasnt sure anyone would even answer but just thank you. I feel like I've actually got things to try and to know it's happened to other people...that's just lifted a weight like you could not imagine!

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Jannt86 · 02/07/2020 16:21

One last thing sorry? Has anything changed with dad? Looking carefully through your posts It really sounds like it might be more that she's craving him and even anxious about him not being around than not wanting you around? Could some one on one daddy time be in order and perhaps a heart to heart about how he sometimes has to go to work etc but that he'll always come back? And maybe giving her something of his for comfort when he's gone x

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 16:43

@Jannt86 her dad has gone back to work, he was furloughed for almost 2 months so she actually was used to having him here all the time, I think that could be one thing that could be bothering her, she just never had that time with him before the coronavirus, so very much a big change in her eyes I would imagine.

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Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 02/07/2020 16:48

And yes I think a daddy/ daughter day might be a really good idea. Maybe just to show her he's not disappeared from her life.

Feel like I've got so many good new ideas to try now, I felt absolutely stuck earlier like, just awful and really can't believe how understanding mumsnet can be. Total strangers giving compassionate advice. It's a relief.

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Jannt86 · 02/07/2020 18:48

Bingo! I'm convinced now that it's more about daddy not you. Lots of cuddles and acknowledge it eg 'are you really sad because daddy's not here? Remember daddy always comes back and he'll be back later today' try and encourage daddy to spend quality time with her and say goodbye and big kiss before he leaves in the morning if pos and make a big fuss of her when he gets home. I hope things improve for you both xx

june2007 · 02/07/2020 18:54

So there has been a change of routine. You just need to calm reassure, and it may take time for her to get back to the nom.

ZooKeeper19 · 02/07/2020 21:26

@DaisyDoo1919 this may sound silly, but my nursery recommends for kids to have a photo album of "people I love" so when the kid gets super upset, they can have a look at the picture to remind themselves mummy/daddy love them and will be back. Would you try something like that maybe, have her make an album with both of you, and when she gets upset you take it out to remind her all will be OK in a bit.

Tash6000 · 02/07/2020 22:07

What time does your husband leave for work? Could he get her up and changed? Then perhaps have a book ready and waiting so that you can read a story with her straight after?
If not, maybe have a photo of you and her dad to hold while getting her changed. Ask things like, can you see his eyes, touch his nose, where is mummy's mouth etc. Gives her a set focus which will help reduce the feeling of not being sure about whatever it is causing her this upset.
As for meltdowns during the day, fill a small coke/7up bottle with a bit of glitter, water and glycerine and if she is having a meltdown then shake the bottle and give it to her. Prior to this explain to her when she gets the bottle she needs to sit and watch the glitter until it settles. It almost simulates their feelings (glitter whirling around crazily and then winding down to a settled status) but watching it will hopefully calm her down. It's a simple but very effective technique xx
It is most likely a phase and will end as abruptly as it started, you just need to ride it out and give lots of cuddles throughout the day. He'll by verbalising her emotions if you know what's caused it so she can start to communicate these back to you.
It won't last, it isn't you causing it, you just get the brunt of it so ride it out and you'll be back to before soon xx

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 03/07/2020 09:48

She said so clearly this morning "I want my daddy to come back" before it all became hysterical. I really think everyone is right and it's related to her dad going back to work.

She woke up in the night screaming daddy daddy daddy over and over.

He's finishing at 2:00 today so I am going to take myself off and give them some quality time together and hope it helps.

Thanks again for all the suggestions, I really feel so down about this, its heartbreaking but I feel like I have at least a place to start and have (hopefully) got to the root of why it's happening the way it is.

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Mosaic123 · 03/07/2020 11:34

I wondered if you'd changed your appearance at all? Different coloured hair or wearing glasses so that Mummy doesn't look like Mummy anymore?

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 03/07/2020 11:40

@mosaic123 no, nothing like that at all. Same hair, everything. It's like she absolutely cannot stand me and the sight of me instead of her dad makes her go out of control but I cant help thinking there is something underlying.

Called my doctor back ans spoke to my usual doctor. She said she wanted to check for uti first and blood test for diabetes. She agrees it was unusual for such a sudden shift in behaviour and frequent night waking but also said it could of course be behavioural but best to rule certain things out first.

I'm starting to feel less optimistic that it's going to quickly as it started.

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Mosaic123 · 03/07/2020 11:47

Sorry to hear this. One more thought, new perfume? I always, hated my mother's perfume (Youth Dew by Estee Lauder).

Original poster

DaisyDoo1919 · 03/07/2020 11:58

@mosaic123 I just had the same thought but no, nothing different at all.

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ZooKeeper19 · 03/07/2020 12:16

@DaisyDoo1919 would it perhaps be possible for her to help daddy get ready for work in the morning? Not sure. Or could you go and see him over lunch break? Just throwing things out there.

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