Feel like a bad parent - have no idea what I'm doing!

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Is it normal to feel as though you have no idea what you're doing when bringing up a child? Before I had my DS I looked at other parents and thought 'how hard can it be??' but now I have DS (12 months) and feel as though I'm doing it all wrong. I know you shouldn't compare yourself and your baby to others, but out of everyone I know, my DS is the only one who still can't crawl, let alone stand or walk, and he cries a lot and needs a lot of attention.

Today at a friends house, her DS was trying to play with my DS, but mine just kept hitting him and crying until he left him alone. Her DS was laughing all the time and scampering around all over the place, whereas my DS wouldn't leave my side and cried whenever I moved.

I just worry I'm doing something wrong and somehow making him insecure, or not doing something I should to help him crawl or walk, or not talking to him enough to make him more confident, etc.

I just can't get my head around the huge number of things I'm going to have to teach him to do - walking, talking, understanding the word 'no', eating with a knife and fork, counting, reading, writing, social skills, sharing, etc, etc - it just seems an impossible task for someone with no qualifications or experience in teaching anyone anything!

12 months for walking is not average, it's early! neither of mine were walking at 12 months, I wasn't myself, neither was my brother, and out of my friend's babies, only one was!

13 months is the average but some kids still aren't walking by 16 months or later

just picking up on the point about being at your friend's place and your ds being clingy.

i've found this with my dd and amongst my friends' dc when we visit or they visit us.

it takes my dd a while to get confident in someone elses house or anywhere really. i've always found the 2nd or 3rd visits are often much more relaxed for the kids at this age.

just last week i sat in another MN friend's garden with 3 other mums and 6 kids. my dd either played on her own or clung to my knees! she's 22 months and the kids were 7, 4, 2.5, 21m and 6m.

we go there quite a bit and normally she plays quite well but this time i think she was just a bit overwhelmed.

i'm sure it was nothing to do with the cakes, chocolates, olives and crisps that were on the table !

and i'd also echo the sentiment that we're all making it up as we go along.

it's a tough job and full of self doubt and worry but i'm sure you're doing great. in fact i think we all do a better job than we believe ourselves to be doing!

hth

I felt exactly the same as you. For a full year, my DS was the only child at toddler group who stayed close to me while all the other kids ran about. And then..magic. The urge to separate happened almost overnight. Suddenly he was asking me to leave him to play at a friend's house because it made him feel grown up. Trust your baby: he will do it in his own time and clinginess now is NO indicator of social skills in the future.

Iwouldgoouttonight - your op has really struck a cord because it's how I felt in the earlier days and still feel from time to time. I've very had very little contact with children and babies. No relatives around to help and it can be really daunting at times.

I'd say it's TOTALLY normal to worry that you don't know what you're doing - I still feel this four years on and I'm constantly in knots all the time that I'm making the wrong decisions.

If it's any help to you, what I've found really helpful (and probably because I've got less energy than younger mothers [ is to turn it around and let your baby teach you - that is - take cues from them at every stage. Most of the list of things you mention - they honestly learn by themselves (as others have said by instinct or by modelling your example). So although I encourage and support, I let her take the lead in many ways.

Most of the mistakes I've made with dd were when I was trying to rush things before she was ready - or alternatively hold her back when she was trying to move on.

Examples:

I didn't deliberately try and potty train until she actually showing signs of wanting to sit on the potty herself and she trained herself within in a week - no hassles at all. As a result, she was probably trained a bit later than most of her age group but I don't feel making comparisons is particularly helpful. Just let 'em go at their own pace I say ...

On the other hand - I made the mistake of keeping her in her high chair far too long. She was crying and every meal became a battle. I couldn't see that she was frustrated and felt hemmed in. As soon as a friend suggested I tried her sitting at our dining table, the crying stopped and all was well in the world.

It sounds as though you are doing a great job at keeping everything together and you are a great mum else you wouldn't have gone to the trouble to post your concerns. As others have said too, loads of children go through a grumpy stage where their desire to communicate and move doesn't match their physically abilities to do so. It will pass I promise!!! Good luck.

BTW (see info about Tanya Byron's new book on the home page). It's about having confidence to parent in your own way and trusting your instincts. I'm definitely going to buy it .....!

sorry for crap spelling and typos etc - rushing this morning

As I've said before on MN - the parents who make no mistakes are the ones who aren't there. A good parent is one who relects on their own parenting, constantly re-evaluating their decisions. However, it's a tricky job because a good parent is also consistent. If you can't make up your mind at first how to deal with any particular problem, you might seek help from other people, professional or otherwise, but in the end the decisions are yours.

Don't be so hard on yourself - it sounds like you are doing a fine job

You really don't have to teach a baby to do things (unless they have special needs but that is a whole different ballgame!) - if you give a child opportunities they will do things when their brains and bodies are developmentally ready. This will vary from child to child.

To allow them to learn to crawl and walk you have to give them the opportunity - time on the floor, maybe at baby soft play, or rolling around in the garden. To allow them to learn to talk you just have to talk to them and with them; mimic their noises and any words. Be fair, consistent and set boundaries. The rest just happens!

As for clinginess, I wouldn't worry. It's a normal developmental stage too, and will pass as he becomes more mobile and so more independent. Some children are just more timid than others. Just make sure you are giving him lots of positivity (big smiles, a wave, saying "I'm still here!") when you move away from him, rather than nervous looks, or he may pick up on your anxiety or fears.

Relax and enjoy him

Lots of people have said it, but please don't get hung up about the fact he is "clingy" and wants to be near you. DD1 was the clingiest baby/toddler imaginable, always holding onto me, wouldn't play with other toddlers, was always the quiet one that the other mums looked at with pity in their eyes.

She is five years old now and you truly would not recognise the clingy baby that she was. She is strong and self-confident and chatty as anything. Not boisterous and not always charging around. But confident in herself and among her friends.

I have found that just being there with her, not pushing her into things she is not ready for, but showing that I believe in her is enough to help her flourish. Your son is pre-programmed to learn all the stuff he needs to. He just needs to know that you are around and that you love him and are interested in him. You are doing what you need to do by taking him out and showing him the world.

And you have a huge amount on your plate and are perfectly entitled to be tired. You seriously do not need to be worrying about all that stuff that he needs to learn in the future. He will. And the responsibility is not solely on your shoulders. Try and enjoy what he is doing now and sod what all your friends' babies are doing.