Feel like a bad parent - have no idea what I'm doing!

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Is it normal to feel as though you have no idea what you're doing when bringing up a child? Before I had my DS I looked at other parents and thought 'how hard can it be??' but now I have DS (12 months) and feel as though I'm doing it all wrong. I know you shouldn't compare yourself and your baby to others, but out of everyone I know, my DS is the only one who still can't crawl, let alone stand or walk, and he cries a lot and needs a lot of attention.

Today at a friends house, her DS was trying to play with my DS, but mine just kept hitting him and crying until he left him alone. Her DS was laughing all the time and scampering around all over the place, whereas my DS wouldn't leave my side and cried whenever I moved.

I just worry I'm doing something wrong and somehow making him insecure, or not doing something I should to help him crawl or walk, or not talking to him enough to make him more confident, etc.

I just can't get my head around the huge number of things I'm going to have to teach him to do - walking, talking, understanding the word 'no', eating with a knife and fork, counting, reading, writing, social skills, sharing, etc, etc - it just seems an impossible task for someone with no qualifications or experience in teaching anyone anything!

Have you spoken to your HV about his development ? I know some children crawl and walk a lot later than others, but if it is something thats concerning you, and you have tried encouraging him, its worth talking to HV for advice. Don't worry so much about hitting at that age, they don't understand it s wrong,and won't do for a while yet! It sounds like he could be a bit clingy or anxious for some reason. Do you take him to toddler groups to mix ?

Oh, mate - don't worry! Lots of it just happens, and you muddle through like the rest of us.

A few thoughts for you:

• neither ds nor dd walked until they were just under 18mths. Ds didn't move at all til 14 mths - just sat there & told us what to do . Remember that phsical development at this stage is basically pretty meaningless/has no long term impact (eg early walkers don't go on to be more athletic children)He'll walk when he's ready - there;s really not much you can do to alter it.
• accept your child for who they are (much, much easier said than done!) Ds was, and remains, a fairly subdued, thoughtful child. He watches & thinks first. Dd is highly social, very smiley and adventurous - always toddling off and flirting with strangers! I haven't raised them that differently - it's just who they are. Instead of seeing what your ds can't do, focus on his strengths for a bit.
• responding to your ds' need for you isn't a problem - it will make him more confident in the longer term - he's got the rest of his life to be indepondent

Try not to worry too much about teaching him stuff - just enjoy him, and let it happen

He sounds cross and frustrated because he can't move yet! A LOT of babies get like this, and I would bet he cheers up and requires less input from you as he starts to move around.

have you tried 'putting' him in the positiopn for crawling? or walking round with him holing your hands and stepping with you?

At 12 months old, everything on your list bar walking and talking is beyond most babies, and walki8ng and talking is beyond about half of them!

You need to go to a toddler group, and you will see many more mothers with immobile babies - don't let one forward baby make you feel inadequate, please!

There are so many things that you don't have to teach - they just pick it up (HONEST!) Some just do it later than others. Did you teach him to sit? Of course not! but he does it!

I know it's eay to say, but try not to worry. All you can do is be consistent in your praise of "good" behaviour and consistent in your disapproval of "bad" behaviour. He will pick up right and wrong from this. All things take time. You are not alone in feling unqualified. We're all just winging it.

I've mentioned it to the HV and doctor and they said not to worry, he'll move in his own time - but it worries me when I see everyone else's babies on the move. He goes to nursery two days a week and they say he's settled in fine, he babbles away happily all day apparently. It seems to be more when he's with me that he becomes clingy. I'm finding it hard work and very tiring - its emotionally draining and also physically because he's really heavy now but I still have to carry him everywhere.

You're not a bad parent, I know its hard but you can't compare kids because they all develop at different rates. The average age for a child to learn to walk is 13 months but obviously some children will learn earlier & some later. Some children never crawl & go straight to walking
Please don't be too hard on yourself, like chankins said it would probably be a good idea to speak to your HV about your concerns.

Being clingy is a completely normal stage at 12 months. Something to do with the baby realising that you come and go. It IS draining though. He will soon come out of it. Everything is a phase.

Hey, calm down! Your ds will have a lot of input from others as well as you for all the things he has to learn.

Lots of children never crawl. Some bottom-shuffle before they walk. They usually have a cruising the furniture stage before walking too.

No harm in asking hv or other health prof for an opinion, but no need to panic.

Quite normal too for a 12 mo not to want to play "nicely" with other children and to hit out - not that you shouldn't stop him hurting others of course - but I wouldn't say it's an indication of things going drastically wrong at this stage.

Read one of those parenting books eg Christopher Green's Toddler Taming. Forewarned is forearmed!

Take it easy. When my Ds was born my Mum was driving me crazy with daft comments. If you can bear it watch something like Comic relief
poor starving, exploited toddlers and babies. Then the next time your Ds actions upset you just say to yourself and him 'Your not in Dafur' or 'it's Good for his lungs' and he can afford to cry a little longer. If he's fed, watered clean warm and loved, your a Fab Mum. My lovely DH always repeats if we're happy he will be happy. Does he go to play school or nursery? Do you think this might help take the pressure off you all. Just remembered another phase 'It takes a village to raise a child' (God I'm annoying)

He sounds happy enough to me - there would be more cause to worry if he was anxious at nursery too. My dd1 was an xtremely clingy baby, had to pick her up all the time when she couldn't crawl, and she didn't really like anyone else even her dad to hold her! Then once she cud crawl she'd just follow me around crying to be picked up! If i went to the loo she'd sit outside and moan at door. I found it frustrating and exhausting at times, but she is turning 5 this week and is such an outgoing, confident, opinionated brave little girl, that I trult wonder where my extremly shy and clngy baby went! So hang in there. Take it as a compliment that he wants you so much, and believe me when I say the time flies.

Thanks for all your comments - I think I'm partly worried because I'm quite shy and unconfident and I think I've made him like that already. Maybe I do just have to accept he's a quiet thoughtful person and try not to project my insecurities onto him.

With the walking/crawling - we do try to get him into the crawling postition but he lands flat on his face! He can slide along the floor backwards and roll, so he's getting somewhere. If you stand him up and hold his hands he won't move his feet, even if you try to move them for him. If you prop him up against a walker, he'll lean the top half of his body forward but not move his feet and would end up flat on his face if I didn't catch him!

I just feel as though I'm making it all up as I go along - no clue whether I'm making a good or bad job of it!

have you read Toddler Taming though, Aviatrix? If not, you might find the tone more laid back than the title suggests. Take your point though. There are lots parentng books about, that is just one I found quite readable and helpful although I disagreed with his views on some things.

You sound overwhelmed, and he does not sound abnormal, although if you are really worried, get a second opinion.1 is a hard time; they have separation anxiety and want you a lot. Are you tired? Do you need some time off? Agree that mixing more with other babies and parents would help you realise the MASSIVE spectrum of development and personality. Also it's fun having a 1 year old. Can you do music or something with him, something to take you out of your head and make you feel close to him? The one brilliant thing about toddler taming is the advice to go outside as often as possible. It does change your headspace and calm things down.You sound like a lovely mum.

Everyone will say this now ; we are all making it up as we go along. You sound like you are doing a fab job and obviously love him dearly to worry about him so much. I was way more anxious etc with my first, but with each one you get more confident and laidback about things. I'm naturally pretty shy, but have found havin kids has forced me out of myself, made me braver etc cos I want to set good example to them. I'm more confident now than I ever was, you have to be if you want to get them out there socialising and making friends etc. He'll be fine, I'm sure!

It can be frustrating for both babies and their mothers when they are less-than-averagely mobile - the babies get bored, because they can't go off exploring the world around them, and so their mothers have to entertain them.

Relax - you DS will learn to crawl and walk in his own good time (very soon, in fact) and without being taught by you. Just give him all the opportunities he needs to move.

We do do a lot of nice things together - go to Sing and Sign, swimming, etc. And we see other babies - a lot of my friends have babies around the same age - thats why I've ended up comparing him, because ALL of the others crawled and walked fairly early (I must have an unrepresentative group of friends!). The other babies his age at nursery have now moved up into the next room but he can't because he can't walk.

I probably am just overwhelmed - and I do feel constantly tired! I work four days a week FT and have three days with DS. DP works most weekends so I spend the majority of time with DS (although DP is really good with him when he's here). DS sleeps really well so I get a good eight hours of sleep each night so I don't know why I'm so tired!

Your 'not projecting your own insecurities' thought is a really good one, imo. It's so easy to just assume that traits that we can see in our kids are inherantly a good or a bad thing based on our own experience.
As others have said, being 'clingy' at 12 mths is pretty normal - essentially becuase they've still working out that you are a separate person and could go away from them - he's just demonstrating how much he loves you!

ITO the walking thing, it sounds normal to ME - but as I say, both mine were late walkers. If you want to feel like you're doing things ...

• help him more on the crawling side. eg prop his tummy so he can play on his tummy more - eg proped over your legs/with cushion under his tummy - will stregthen his tummy/back muscles
• rather than moving his legs when holding his hands, 'rock' him - our GP told me that they automatically move their legs if you just tip them from side to side. (DS then proceeded to walk holding hands for 6 mths & refused to let go, which was a complete PITA, btw!)

Aviatrix - its neither really. The title of the book is very much tongue-in-cheek. He's Irish Australian and the title reflects probably the Aussie sense of humour.

first of all I'd cross writing counting and reading from your list, as it should be the school's job .
I think it's quite normal to be clingy at 12 months when they are starting to be more mobile. sometimes they also cry in frustration when their physical abilities don't match their desire of exploring. 12 months is an exhausting (for parents) stage of baby's development, but full of delightful surprises. ds only started to crawl at 13 months and walked at 16 months.