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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I have just slapped ds1 on the leg, hardish, to get him to stop throttling ds2.

48 replies

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:16

Ds2 was choking. I had to stop ds1 - fast. Ds1 stormed upstairs saying he hates me. I need to go up and see him. What the hell do I say? He keeps bullying ds2 and doesn't seem to realise how wrong it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 22:36

But they get bigger. I am scared that he will still be like this when he is too strong for me to handle.

OP posts:

startouchedtrinity · 03/09/2007 22:41

Have you asked for help for him? Sounds like he can do with some anger management help. My ds is 16 mo and extremely strong, his temper is volcanic and I can see this coming for us one day.

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 22:44

But where? I don't know who to ask.

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ahundredtimes · 03/09/2007 22:45

How is he at school TT? I mean, can he control it at school?

ahundredtimes · 03/09/2007 22:47

BTW ds1 is very like this with ds2. Today he shoved him into a road sign, for no reason at all. We were walking back from the park, everyone was happy. Then when I told him off, he went off on one.

I think our children may actually be identical. DS1s can hit eachother and shout at oneanother in the garden, and ds2s can lark about inside in their pjs.

Loshad · 03/09/2007 22:47

punchbag ? - they are quite expensive but i do know families who swear by them - if child gets really angry then they run off and give the punchbag h*ll.

startouchedtrinity · 03/09/2007 22:47

GP? School nurse? What about trying Tanya Byron's advice column in the Times, she might be able to give you a starting point.

startouchedtrinity · 03/09/2007 22:48

Or do a google, maybe there is a private clinic near you.

ahundredtimes · 03/09/2007 22:49

What's he so cross about do you think?

LaCod · 03/09/2007 22:49

100 hello

ahundredtimes · 03/09/2007 22:50

Oh thank god you're back. You were gone for AGES.

LaCod · 03/09/2007 22:51

yes er....... 12 dys
go d what happened hwne i was away
ever one seems strangleypleased to seeme

ahundredtimes · 03/09/2007 22:52

I'm always pleased to see you. What happened? God knows.

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 22:57

100x, we should meet up. It would be fascinating to compare sons - they do seem uncannily similar. Which probably means they would either love or hate each other.

I don't know why he is so angry.

He seems okay at school, although there have been a couple of stick-brandishing incidents after school.

I have considered a punchbag. I just worry in case it encourages him to punch more and he decides to be a boxer or something.

I've also considered martial arts -0 the discipline and respect thing would be good if he took it on board, but I DO NOT want him to learn how to hurt ds2 more.

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MyTwopenceworth · 04/09/2007 07:51

send ds2 to karate lessons.

Perhaps it would be good for ds2 to regain some power by being able to defend himself, and feeling stronger, and ds1 would maybe think twice before having a go after a couple of san tsukis!!

Original poster

TooTicky · 04/09/2007 11:19

MTPW, I like your thinking

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shortshafe · 04/09/2007 16:28

I've done some anger management work with kids aged between 2 and 16, the best tricks I've found are to wait till they're calm again (obviously!) acknowledge that they're angry, try and find out what exactly makes them angry then try and suggest other ways of dealing with the anger. Some of the best 'ways of dealing with' have included hiding under a duvet while beating the hell out of a pillow, just beating up a pillow,ripping up paper, jumping up and down on the spot, counting to 5, throwing a soft foam ball at a wall, running around the yard/garden a set number of times, going outside for a good scream and shout, kneading play dough. For some kids I've made an 'angry box' that's kept in a corner and whenever they're feeling angry there's various things in there they can take it out on - a cushion, paper, some noisy stuff etc.

If any of that helps then I'm a mumsnet virgin!

Original poster

TooTicky · 05/09/2007 00:03

Thank you Shortshafe!!!!! That will be very helpful

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shortshafe · 05/09/2007 09:59

No problem, let me know if any of it works! Just wanted to add I think the slap on the legs was perfectly justified given the situation! I've just read through your posts again, do you think he can identify his emotions or not? If he struggles then I've got some picture cards that could help.
My heart goes out to you as I too have a particularly impressive temper - my brother does too, mum had loads of fun when we were growing up!

law3 · 05/09/2007 18:33

Tootricky - when he hits his brother/sister or you, what do you usually do?

I mean what are the consequences?

Original poster

TooTicky · 06/09/2007 22:36

Thanks Shortshafe. I think we need some help really, I just don't know which way to go. Dp shouts, I try to reason but shout sometimes. I praise when he is good - and he can be very good. But the anger thing is really hard.

Law3, I tell him it is unacceptable behaviour. I make him apologise. He may have to leave the room/computer/current activity.

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law3 · 07/09/2007 10:16

Too Tricky - Dont beat yourself up about it.

i have an 11 year old, 13 year old who used to constantly fight and it got worse as they got older.

A few years ago i put a zero tolerance rule in place, the rules are you dont hit, swear or name call when you disagree or get angry. If they do its instance time out in their room for 10 minutes. After 10 minutes i then talk to them i tell them its ok to get angry, but its not ok to hit etc and we talk about what they could have done differently. Alternatives, when you get angry count to 10, walk away, go to your room and punch the pillow etc.(not a long lecture, just a couple of minutes)

If after taking time out they come out and do it again, i then apply a consequence, ie no computer that day (or whatever is most important to them).

Hope this is of some help!

shortshafe · 10/09/2007 22:23

TooTicky, I really feel for you, it sounds like you're having a crap time. It's really important that you and dp react in the same way to ds1's angry outbursts - easier said than done, I know. ds1 needs to know that its ok to feel angry, I usually say something along the lines of 'we all feel angry sometimes, but it's not ok to hurt other people'.
Angry kids who are shouted at for being angry usually say it makes them feel even more angry and stops them thinking straight, they often describe the angry feelings as being like a hot feeling inside that makes them feel like nothing makes sense. Make sure its clear that any consequences are for hurting people, not being angry. Consequences need to be immediate, predictable and consistent too, lots of kids find it easier if they have agreed a 'plan' with you, something along the lines of 'if you hurt anyone you will go to your bedroom for 10 minutes, then you will apologise and there will be no (insert privilege) for the rest of the day/morning/evening'. Obviously you'll need to actually carry out the 'plan', but it helps to give the child some control back, if they've agreed to it first!
Your GP might be able to refer ds for some anger management? some are more enlightend than others! hth and I've not gone on too much

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