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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I have just slapped ds1 on the leg, hardish, to get him to stop throttling ds2.

48 replies

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:16

Ds2 was choking. I had to stop ds1 - fast. Ds1 stormed upstairs saying he hates me. I need to go up and see him. What the hell do I say? He keeps bullying ds2 and doesn't seem to realise how wrong it is.

OP posts:

wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:17

How old is he?

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:17

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wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:19

What starts him off when he gets aggressive?Is it an argument that escalates or is it just unprovoked agression?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 03/09/2007 14:19

Don't know, other than, turn it back on him and ask him if he knows how wrong it is? Ask if he understands why you slapped him? Go through with him what consequences might be if ds2 had choked (social services, juvenile courts)?

MyTwopenceworth · 03/09/2007 14:19

Is hitting a normal discipline method for you? I ask NOT to judge! But because advice would be different if you smacked and if you didn't, iyswim.

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:20

In this case, ds2 was holding one of his books. It's usually trivial, easily resolveable stuff that starts him off.

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Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:22

No, it's not usual for me. And it wasn't discipline so much as stopping him doing what he was doing as he didn't respond to shout or shriek or choking noises.

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wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:22

Does he ever explain why he is violent? ie jealousy frustration etc

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:23

He gets very angry, quite easily.

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wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:24

Is there anything that could be obviously school worries, could he be being bullied himself?

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:26

He was bullied in reception and we didn't find out until later. He doesn't have a great time in school, but he can't use this or anything else as an excuse for constantly attacking ds2.

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wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:29

My dd1 has quite a temper and frequently lays in to dd2 (just shouting and the odd whack) and it is blatant jealousy. Of course it's catch 22 becuase then dd2 gets cuddles and dd1 gets more bitter and resentful. Parenting is so much fun.

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 14:30

Better go up and see him. Still don't know how to get him to realise that hurting people is wrong.

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wildwoman · 03/09/2007 14:32

Goodluck, keep calm!

RGPargy · 03/09/2007 14:34

Personally i dont think i would go up and see him. I would let him stew for a while and wait for him to come down when he might have had the opportunity to think about what he did to make you react by slapping his leg!

MyTwopenceworth · 03/09/2007 14:34

Ok. Then I would suggest begin by apologising for hitting him. Explain why what he was doing was dangerous.

Maybe you could then ask him to tell you how he feels about you now. Listen to him and then, when he has finished say, "Well, ds2 feels that way about you because of the things you do to him." and ask him to think about that, that other people may feel about him what he is currently feeling about you. Ask him how it makes him feel to know other people think bad things about him.

You could tell him that it is normal for brothers to argue but physically fighting, or bullying is not acceptable. Have a chat about things he could do to calm down - get him to think about it, and come up with ideas (going into the garden, into the bedroom, turning on the tv etc) and agree strategies.

And then come the consequences.

You could finish by saying that today is a new start. That you rely on him, as older brother, to take charge and lead with a good example. From now on, any bullying or violent behaviour will result in loss of for X days.

Don't know if any of that sounds any use.

I just have to stick the hoover on when ds1 is kicking off and he legs it to his room.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 03/09/2007 15:00

I wouldn't apologise for hitting him. It wasn't anger hitting or punishment hitting, it was 'preventing harm to other child' hitting.
In most situations if you hit a child I would think an apology would be right, but not this one.

startouchedtrinity · 03/09/2007 17:07

Tooticky, I don't blame you for needing to stop ds1. He's obviously feeling bad, is it b/c of your decision to home-ed dd? If it is the same school bullying sounds rampant.

OrmIrian · 03/09/2007 17:16

tooticky - I've been there. My DS#1 has a quick and very violent temper I(as do I unfortunately). But it tends to flare and die down ...but the damage can be done by then.

I would apologise for smacking - it makes no difference why you did it, you can't complain about someone using physical violence when you do the same - and beleive me I've been exactly where you are atm, even down to the smacked leg. And ask him how he felt when you smacked him - then get him to imagine how an even smaller child must have felt.

Good luck

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 03/09/2007 17:16

i would acctually apologise for the hitting, as obviously you hurt him like he hurt his brother, so that is ok? no?

well an apology due, but explain why you had to do it (i.e. so his brother didnt choke and he didnt get told off by police etc (exagerate a bit!))

dont stew about the hitting tho, best course of action in this case if it got him to stop sharpish!

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 17:22

Well, I let him stew for a bit and then I went and talked to him. We discussed why it was wrong, and possible consequences of his actions, and other things he could do when he is angry. But we've done it all before.
No, it's not related to dd being home edded - it's been going on for much longer.
I just wish I could find a long term solution.
Ds1 has always had an angry streak - he cried for 4 weeks once when he was a baby and the hv said he just seemed angry

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startouchedtrinity · 03/09/2007 21:07

Tooticky, do you just think he loses his temper so badly that he can't see/hear what he is doing? Or is he totally unable to empathise? Is it just his brother or does he do this at school?

FromGirders · 03/09/2007 21:12

Sorry, have very little experience here, my dcs are 4 and 2, but I read on a thread a few weeks ago about someone who gave their son a punching cushion in his bedroom for something to take their aggression out on. Just a thought.

Original poster

TooTicky · 03/09/2007 22:05

I think he loses his temper so badly that he cannot see any alternative to pummelling his brother. Occasionally his big sister. And he stamps on my toes.
Look, he can be very nice as well - don't get the wrong idea - it's just this blasted temper thing.

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cba · 03/09/2007 22:12

my ds2 has a really bad temper and he is only four. I had to scream at him yesterday for hurting ds1 and when i was screaming he just didnt seam to hear me. I had to drag him off ds1.

So, i know where you are coming from.

Obviously my ds2 alot younger and easier to manage but i do feel for you.

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