Mummy bear instincts surfacing - what would you do?

[Earlybird]

Six weeks ago we moved from London to America. DD (age 6.5) is a new student in a fee paying school known for it's tolerance and diversity, among other things.

Prior to the start of school, the head gave us contact details for 4 girls that are in dd's year. She suggested we spend time with them over the summer break so dd would have a few familiar faces when school began. Only one of these girls (Maggie) is in dd's class, and coincidentally is the one we spent the most time with (3 playdates - 2 hosted by me to 'help out' the Mum who was recovering from minor planned surgery).

Last week, dd came home from school and reported that Maggie (who sits next to dd as assigned by the teacher) said aggressively 'why do you always sit next to me?' and 'why are you following me around'? DD didn't respond, but of course it bothered her.

Maggie's birthday party was over the weekend, and we spent a few hours shopping for her present, wrapping it, and making a card. As far as I could see, Maggie ignored dd during the party, but there were no incidents.

Today dd came home from school and announced 'I don't think Maggie is going to be a friend'. When asked why, she said that in the lunchroom today Maggie enlisted another girl and they were both making fun of dd's pronunciations (of course, they're English rather than American), was calling dd 'weird', and saying 'we don't like your accent, we like ours better'. They then proceeded to pass negative comments on dd's table manners and whispered/giggled together while looking at dd and saying 'oh don't worry, we're not talking about you'.

I don't want this to escalate into low level bullying, or start to affect dd in any sort of serious way. It makes me furious - dd has enough to cope with at the moment without some little girls being mean in addition. Especially as it's the one little girl that initially seemed she might be a friend.

Oh, and fwiw, I think I am more bothered by this than dd atm. What would you do?

It is low-level bullying (excluding). I would have a quick word with the teacher.

At that age, though, friendships change by the week.

Some children are popular by putting down others rather than because they are nice.

I have explained this to DS and asked him to try to find someone else to play with. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try, you can't change much in how they behave towards each other when you are not there. However I have found a way to return to DS a bit of his dignity, I have told him that if someone is mean to him not to insist, or try to change the other children, just to say " I don't like that, I do not want to play with you any more" etc. and move on. In some occassions, that's enough to make the other child show a more friend;y interest in him. In others it only helps DS to get out of the way before he is feeling worse about it. In a way, it impowers him a bit.

Sometimes I think children have very primitive insitincs, if you chase them they run away, if you try to run from them they understand they have to follow you. Same goes, unfortunately, for some early childhood friendships.

Oh, that's easy. I'd go to the school and go pound on Maggie. Ok, maybe scienceteacher had much better advice all around.

Colin has always been attracted to children who bully him in some way. Last year at preschool he really liked one bully of a boy and insisted Tristan was his best friend. The teacher was aware of the situation, because he bullied (trying to hit and being verbally mean) everyone, and eventually all involved, even Colin, dropped him as a friend, and Tristian only had his cousin left to play with. I think my point is I was livid and seeing red, but Colin managed to survive and it didn't really phase him one bit. As much as I hated that school, the teacher really did a good job of helping the kids muddle through that situation.

I remember moving in the 2nd grade, and I got a bully who made fun of me for being the newcomer in school and different. I know my mom made the teacher aware, and looking back the teacher really did a lot to help.

This other girl sounds like a bully. What a shame at 6.5.

For a school that prides itself on its diversity and tolerance then I would definitely have a word with the teacher. It's not acceptable because it's a) bullying and b) rascist. The other little girl needs to know that this isn't acceptable and your DD shouldn't have to put up with it.

My DD is English but living in Sydney and has developed an interesting hybrid of English and Australian accents. I would be horrified if she was bullied because of her background or accent.

This thread is making me rethink about DS's current situation...

The feedback from all of you is interesting and supports/validates what I've been feeling (why do I always fear over-reacting and/or being unreasonable in these tricky situations?). No one has suggested talking to Maggie's Mum instead of/in addition to speaking to the teacher. I know the Mum, but not well. Would that be a huge mistake?

Of course, I want to protect dd, but also don't know when mean behaviour is just 'one of those things' a child must learn to tolerate/ignore, and when it needs to be dealt with by an adult. I have been inclined to let the previous comments pass, but IMO based on what happened today, this is more than 1 or 2 throw away comments that should be ignored. It's clear this 'not very nice' child (I think you're right Califrau) is singling dd out, and now attempting to recruit others to join in.

It makes me furious, and hurts my heart to think someone is being deliberately mean to my dd.

Awww, earlybird, little girls can be so mean sometimes

I think having a word with the teacher to make her aware of the situation is a good idea. did you get to know the mom well enough to chat with her about it?

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I think as long as you feel comfortable talking to her about it and can manage to do so in a non-confrontational way (difficult, I know) then talking to her would be fine. She is probably completely unaware of the situation.

Of course, if little Maggie is truly a bully then the typical thing is that the parents are in total denial and it won't make any difference. But it might make you feel better.

did that help at all or just muddle things up?

Your poor dd. My dd has also just started a new school and is finding it hard enough in the early days without having to cope with bullying.
I wouldn't speak to the little girl's Mum. Since the incident happened in school, I would speak to the teacher and get her to sort it out.
Sadly, I remember these kind of things between my girlfriends all through school - girls can be mean and the school and the teacher are no doubt well used to dealing with this.

I think the other little girl's mum's 'mummy bear' instinct would come out if you approached her and even subtly mentioned that her child had been bullying and racist (I can spell that, unlike previous post ).

The teacher is probably your best stop as she can maybe do a session on what constitutes bullying/welcoming each others differences without being heavy or too direct to Maggie, at least as a first approach.

Maggie also needs to learn what's acceptable rather than just being written off at 6 as the class bully and through the teacher is a good way I think.

Thanks for your thoughts jabberwocky. I don't know the Mum well enough to know if she'd be horrified and sort Maggie out immediately, or if she'd react badly and defend/deny. Of course, she may not be happy if I go direct to the teacher for intervention either...I'm lucky though that the teacher is extremely experienced and well respected so I'm sure she's seen it all before and (hopefully) will know what to do.

A very primitive part of me wants to do as Colinandcaitlinsmommy suggests and 'flatten' Maggie.

thanks to all the rest of you too. Wasn't ignoring you, but took a long time writing that last post and your helpful thoughts came in during the gap....

I think you're right that through the teacher is the way to go. Sigh....

Unlikely that the teacher will mention the specific child direct to Maggie's Mum, or mention that you told them. Much more likely she will handle it as a general instruction for the class, and keep an eye on things. Unless of course this is something Maggie does a lot, in which case she will probably have an ongoing communication with the Mum and will be trying to teach Maggie how to behave in class.
It's great news that the teacher is so experienced and well respected. She is bound to be able to help your dd through this bump in the road.

Oh poor things. I think you need to have a quiet word with the teacher, for your sake as much as DD's. It's going to be difficult enough for DD to settle in to her new life as it is, without 'friends' making it harder.

When I was working in schools, teachers tended to make a big fuss to the rest of the class about overseas students. If any differences were picked up on by the other children, the teacher would immediately turn it into a positive thing "Oh yes, you noticed X has a different accent. Doesn't it sound lovely? That's because she comes from England. She sometimes uses different words to us, like dungarees, - isn't that interesting?"

I think the class need some lessons about diversity, cultural differences and accepting those who are different. This isn't really any different to picking on someone because of the hair/ eye/ skin colour. Racism is usually dealt with pretty swiftly ime. I think this needs to be nipped in the bud.

The problem of getting in a new culture is that sometimes you don't know were to draw the line between unacceptable and just "passable" behaviours. Someway one end up feeling wary of own apreciations and wonders if you are overreacting (it does to me, anyway).

I would not talk to the mother as she may be a mean bully herself. Better to leave it to the teacher, who is, ultimately, the person more likely to be around/near to them when the problem happens.

Any more thoughts/advice before I tackle thisd today?

Thanks again to those who have responded. It helps immeasurably.

I totally agree with talking to the teacher. Make them earn their money and tell you exactly how they will deal with this situation, as they are a school known for it's tolerance and diversity! This is their chance to show you that they don't just talk the talk about this stuff. No good being known for it, if a little six year old girl has to endure miserable days being bullied (it IS bullying) because of her differences.

I don't mean the teacher per se, btw when I say make them earn their money; I mean the school as a whole. They should have procedures and strategies to help in this situation.

Hi EB. have you read 'The blessings of a Skinned Knee' ? You can get it on Barnes and Noble online, it's very good about this kind of thing. Your situation seems to me to be borderline for intervening but on balance I would probably talk to the teacher.
Is it bothering you more than it's bothering your child? If so be careful about transferring your anxiety to your child?Don't constantly question about horrid Maggie? I have a 15 year old ds who has put his heart and soul into US high school soccer training all summer and now sits on the bench for all but five minutes of a ninety minute game. It's very hard to watch your children suffer/be disappointed.
But in his case it's his decision to play and I'm staying out of it. He can't always win or get what he wants. Of course, your child is much younger and what you describe does seem a bit nasty altogether.

Hi all - I think it's very good advice to avoid transferring my anxiety to dd. I have made a point of not over-reacting to the situation thus far as I don't want dd to become hyper alert to any slight infraction from Maggie, and then consciously (or unconsciously) use 'telling tales' as an event that merits/guarantees special attention from adults. I also don't want dd to be labeled a 'victim' (in her or anyone else's mind). But it's walking a fine line because I want to support dd fully now, and in future if this continues/escalates.

I have spoken to the teacher, and she will keep a watchful eye on the situation. The problem is, these 'infractions' seem to mostly occur when the teacher is not 'in charge' - i.e, during lunch or on the playground. The teacher also will have a general word with Maggie about the importance of being kind to others - without mentioning specific incidents, or dd by name.

Thankfully, the teacher is planning to change seating assignments on Friday so I'm hopeful a bit of distance between the girls will provide relief.

That's great earlybird. It sounds like you've taken just the right approach, and that the teacher is doing the right thing.

I hope your DD makes some new lovely friends.

Thank goodness dd came out of school much happier yesterday. It's amazing how much happier I feel when she's happy.

The teacher called me at home last night to report on what happened. The teacher had a short talk with dd to hear her 'version' of what had happened with Maggie and the other girl. The teacher than had her private chat with Maggie. Maggie admitted being mean to dd, but could not give a reason why she had done it.

The teacher then gave the whole class a talk about the importance of being friendly/playing with children new to the school/the class, and that they should be made to feel welcome. She also talked about how every child is individual - different hair, different skin colour, different family situation, different accent, different clothes etc and that no one should be ridiculed for those differences. She then talked about what a child should do if they have a problem with their classmates - not being a snitch or tattletale (sp?), but asking the teacher for help if it is needed in certain situations.

Maggie and the other girl then had to apologise publically to dd, promise not to do it again, and were placed in time out.

The teacher has since emailed me a list of children/parents that she suggests might be on dd's wavelength - both in dd's class, and other first grade classes. So, I will be busy arranging some playdates....

I feel relieved, and hope the situation has been resolved.

Oh - and thanks to all of you for being so supportive in helping me navigate through this tricky situation. It's another fine example of the Mumsnet online sisterhood in action.