Mummy bear instincts surfacing - what would you do?

[Earlybird]

Six weeks ago we moved from London to America. DD (age 6.5) is a new student in a fee paying school known for it's tolerance and diversity, among other things.

Prior to the start of school, the head gave us contact details for 4 girls that are in dd's year. She suggested we spend time with them over the summer break so dd would have a few familiar faces when school began. Only one of these girls (Maggie) is in dd's class, and coincidentally is the one we spent the most time with (3 playdates - 2 hosted by me to 'help out' the Mum who was recovering from minor planned surgery).

Last week, dd came home from school and reported that Maggie (who sits next to dd as assigned by the teacher) said aggressively 'why do you always sit next to me?' and 'why are you following me around'? DD didn't respond, but of course it bothered her.

Maggie's birthday party was over the weekend, and we spent a few hours shopping for her present, wrapping it, and making a card. As far as I could see, Maggie ignored dd during the party, but there were no incidents.

Today dd came home from school and announced 'I don't think Maggie is going to be a friend'. When asked why, she said that in the lunchroom today Maggie enlisted another girl and they were both making fun of dd's pronunciations (of course, they're English rather than American), was calling dd 'weird', and saying 'we don't like your accent, we like ours better'. They then proceeded to pass negative comments on dd's table manners and whispered/giggled together while looking at dd and saying 'oh don't worry, we're not talking about you'.

I don't want this to escalate into low level bullying, or start to affect dd in any sort of serious way. It makes me furious - dd has enough to cope with at the moment without some little girls being mean in addition. Especially as it's the one little girl that initially seemed she might be a friend.

Oh, and fwiw, I think I am more bothered by this than dd atm. What would you do?

Wow what an excellent teacher and school.

Wow at the school response! really impressed with it.

Oh, I'm so glad the school dealt with this so well. I hope things settle down for you both now.

Thanks again for all your advice and messages of support.

DD and I had a lovely chat tonight before she fell asleep - fantastic that it was all about the interesting/funny books that have been read to the class.........instead of about mean children.

Btw, the teacher told me a few days ago that she intended to move the children around to different tables on Friday, but did it today instead. I feel sure that the date was moved up to separate dd and Maggie. The teacher really has been fantastically supportive and responsive.

I'm so glad everything worked out. That is just what I expected from her school. It just has a simply excellent reputation.

Thought of you today Earlybird. We were in Nashville at the Cheekwood children's thing. I was decidedly underwhelmed but ds1 seemed to enjoy it and it was a nice outing for just the two of us. We stopped afterward and had Mexican popsicles which was worth the whole trip!

Hi jabberwocky - yes, I am relieved about the school situation. There will surely be more bumps as we go along but hopefully the real nastiness has been nipped (today her table was busy pointing out that dd draws teeth differently to all of them, which in their mind is 'strange' ). Think we have run straight into some of the legendary 'mean streak' of little girls that we have largely avoided up to now. This phase will be a real life lesson in resiliency and toughening up for dd I think.

I agree about the Cheekwood children's exhibit - didn't see what the fuss was about really. But it is an absolutely lovely setting. Good call to go today instead of when it was over 100!

Do you have any special plans for Labor Day? We may go to the country, and also try to fit in some swimming before the pools close for the season.

Loving my car btw, and often think of you when I see a Sienna.

Earlybird,
We recently moved countries too, from NZ to Australia ... and obviously DS, aged 7, had to change schools. So I know how you feel about the 'mummy bear' thing ...
I feel fiercely protective over my DS and this move (which I didn't really want anyway and DS was very happy in his last school).
My way forward to help DS with the transition has been to help him develop strategies to cope with meeting new people and coping with the fact that he won't make friends with the first person he meets. What I mean is that expecting my DS to be friends with someone he has been 'thrown with' is a bit unnatural ... it takes time to find out if people are going to be your friends.
For example, he had a bit of an issue with a boy in his new class who he was 'put with' ... DS was thinking this boy was his special friend. We had a play date here at our house and as far as I could tell they had a nice time. The next day DS came home saying that the other boy had told everyone in the class that he had had a 'boring time' at our house and that DS's toys were 'boring'.
DS was naturally upset but all I could do was sit him down and help him make sense of it.
I told him that NO ONE becomes 'best friends' with the first person they meet and it was natural to find out a little way into the friendship that that person wasn't quite the friend they thought. I used my own experiences as an example that I was busy meeting all sorts of people and being friendly to everyone in the hope that one or two of those people would end up 'special' to me ...
I also told him that if this other boy thought our house was boring it was ok because he didn't need to come here again ... no big deal.

I think being 'mummy bear' is natural but teaching your child coping strategies for when they are faced with mean kids is a far more useful thing to do ...

Thinking of you, moving is hard at the best of times without needing to worry about your children and friendships.
Your DD WILL make her own friends ... far nicer ones than that horrible little girl. It just takes time ... for you AND her ...

{{{}}}

Earlybird, only just saw this...glad to hear that things worked out with the teacher. I would have recommended speaking to the teacher, despite natural instincts to flatten the mother (or on dh's part to flatten the father). I had a similar problem with my ds in 1st grade and spoke to the teacher who dealt with it almost identically to yours (class lecture about being nice, heightened supervision in playground and rearranging seating), although ds' teacher did not identify the individuals involved to each other, which was probably wiser I think. Dd often came home from pre-school kindergarten with tales of which girls were nice to her and which were mean that day. Being in favor seemed to rotate fairly regularly and dd seemed completely unfazed by it, so I didn't worry. I think girls are just meaner than boys. Luckily my dd is much better equipped (physically and mentally) to deal with any meaness that comes her way. Glad to hear that things are going well otherwise.

By the way, a word of warning....both my dd and my ds came to the usa with full, strong british accents and by the end of the first year they both had almost completely lost them. Dd still says can't with an english accent, but other than that there are no remnants to the fact that they spent the first 3 and 5 years of their lives in the uk.

Do you have family or friends there? Please feel free to CAT me and I'd be happy to give you my phone number so you have someone in your time zone (almost) to call for advice on the American ways of things.

Ghosty - thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It really was comforting to read - sometimes we mummies need advice on coping strategies in difficult situations, and your advice was right on target. I've thought about it a great deal, and it has given me a different (and very useful) angle as I've spoken to dd about the children at school.

DD is a sensitive child, and probably could use some toughening up, but atm I'm inclined to run interference/maybe even coddle a bit as there are so many big adjustments to be made in her world. She doesn't need someone being cruel on top. Once she's got her bearings, we can perhaps work more on resiliency. Interesting that she still names Maggie when asked who her friends are at school - maybe it was me who was far more upset about the situation (or the potential for escalation) than dd.

Sofia - I am very lucky in that I've got a few friends here in town, some cousins and some pals scattered across the country who can guide/prop up and hand hold. Thank you for your very kind offer of support. And you're right about losing the accent. Dd is quite musical and a good mimic - her vocabulary and pronunciation have already altered.

Issy posted something on another thread that rang true to me for this current situation: '6yo girls are probably fundamentally feral unless redirected with serious, thoughtful, empathy-provoking chats'. Sometimes it helps to know that others are experiencing this too (or even that it's a predictable phase), and that we haven't somehow inadvertently landed in a vipers nest.