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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

1 year old 'tantrums'

34 replies

Lovage · 23/08/2007 13:58

My one year old has started having what I'm reluctant to call 'tantrums'. It's very clearly when he wants to do something or go somewhere and we won't let him. It's a distinctive cry with a high pitched scream in it that isn't in any of his other types of cries. They don't usually last long (maybe 30 seconds tops) and you can usually distract him, although I don't want to do that all the time because I want him to know what he wants.

I'm not worried about them or feeling I need to prevent it or anything - in fact in a funny way it's good to see because it's really important to me that he has a clear sense of who he is and what he wants (family history reasons). But I wondered if anyone knew any good resources about this aspect of development in babies this young. Most of the stuff I've seen about 'tantrums' seems to be aimed at children about 2 years old. I'd welcome anything that gave me another name for it than 'tantrums' particularly! Asserting his will, maybe?

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sleepfinder · 23/08/2007 14:15

I came on here today to find answers about exactly this. My son is 10 days short of turning 1 and is having the same tantrums.

They take me totally by surprise - and I try to find out if something is actually wrong, and then carry on as normal. If its an "I don't want to get in the blasted buggy" tantrum I just calmly say its fine, we're going home or wherever and talk to him basically.

I guess its a case of them learning how to express displeasure before they can actually shout "NO" but other than that, I'd be grateful for any ideas too!

cockles · 23/08/2007 14:51

Yes we had this too and I coudl never figure out what on earth he wanted ! It was usually something to do with food or shoes but I often coudln't work out what. I thought it was to do with realising that he wanted something v badly, but couldn't verbalize it , or even quite figure it out to himself. I'm sure you're right it is 'will', but perhaps just realising he has a will/independent desires?

Original poster

Lovage · 23/08/2007 15:34

Interesting! It is usually blindingly obvious with my DS - you shut the babygate that keeps him out of the kitchen, he screams, you remove the toilet roll he is eating, he screams, you won't let him pull the cat's tail, he screams etc. He does have more of them when he's tired, teething or feeling under the weather, so maybe they can tolerate disappointment better when they're feeling well.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 23/08/2007 15:37

I think tantrums are meant to start around 1 year of age. We thought that this type of "fit" was a tantrum. Then ds had a proper one... Completely different ball game!!!

I would say that it sounds as though your ds is just getting frustrated. Someone else said, and I agree, that they often seem to get like this just before a developmental break-through. Once ds could start communicating (mixture of words and gestures), he was obviously frustrated less often.

thomcat · 23/08/2007 15:37

My DD started her mini tantrums arounf this age too. It made me laugh! She'd run off and lay by teh front door or into a corner and lay down and cry. sometimes it was obvious why sometimes it was becasue I didn't get that she wanted something.

She's 20 months and it's getting a LOT better, not that it ever got really bad in the first place.

I just ignored her. Any attempt to do anything else only made it worse, so I'd just try to not laugh and reassure DD1 that DD2 was crazy and we'd smile secretly togehter about it!

Mumpbump · 23/08/2007 15:40

Mini-tantrum is a good way to describe them!

MaeWest · 23/08/2007 15:46

DS is 13 months and has just started doing this. This morning DH told him not to follow him along the landing and to go back to mummy. Result? DS lay face down on the floor and screamed. He does it sometimes at mealtimes now, he only wants to feed himself (using utensils, will only eat selected items with his hands) and goes mad if you try and help. He's a pretty happy chap most of the time so I'm hoping it's just frustration. I mostly ignore or distract. Good to know I'm not the only one!

margoandjerry · 23/08/2007 19:52

just came on to ask the exact same thing about my 10mo. Over the past week she's started having tantrums when I take paper out of her mouth (again) or won't let her fiddle around with the computer

She has also taken to screaming the houes down when I change her nappy - is perfectly happy before and after but the lying down enrages her.

I feel exactly the same as Lovage. Just wondered about it and what is the best way to respond (am ignoring) as what I've read is aimed at toddlers who can obviously communicate better than my dd.

fizzbuzz · 23/08/2007 20:28

Me too, why are they called terrible twos?

Dd is 13 months old, and had full blown tantrum yeaterday. face down on the floor, screaming, drumming her toes on the floor, and banging her fists.

I was completely flummoxed by it.

caspercat · 23/08/2007 21:30

How bizarre! I came on here to ask the exact same question too! DD 13mths and just started this. Screaming (really high pitched and loud!), crying, even (gently) banging head on the floor. I know the best thing to do is ignore, but how on earth do i do that when she's holding her arms out desperately for a cuddle and sobbing her little heart out? I knew she was safe, so i moved to a different room to try to make it easier, and she followed me. So i gave in . I felt like if i gave in it would go on forever.
I know, i'm soft...
Any tips?

caspercat · 23/08/2007 21:45

Should read "if i DIDN'T give in", doh!!

mummymagic · 23/08/2007 21:46

Casper of course you can cuddle her! Just don't give in to what she wants everytime. eg

you:no you can't have another biscuit
baby: waaah.
you: Oh go on then.
(BAD)

you: no, you can't have another biscuit.
baby: wwwaaah
you: I know sweetie you are cross because you want a biscuit (big cuddle) but you can't have one.
baby: waaah /
you: (ignore big strop)
let's go and play with x
(GOOD)

One year olds understand a lot more than you think. Lots of talking and warnings are good. But I agree Lovage that they have to go through being cross when they don't get what they want. its good. My dd (16mths) sits down to show her cross-ness and I let her. Then she gets up and is fine!

manuka · 23/08/2007 21:50

I don't think its wrong to give her a cuddle. She's only expressing frustration which is a horrible emotion so I think its nice that in the midst of her frustration she still is able to accept love and that she wants love from you.

I am extremely impatient and my 14 month has started to express frustration and I have to keep reminding myself how shit it must be for her to be dragged into the kitchen when all she wants to do is play with the wheels on her pushchair in the hall!!

I'm sure its a lesson for all parents- the art of patience!!

mummymagic · 23/08/2007 21:55

Definitely agree with that. Watching my dd try and put her socks on - so hard to not just take them and do it!

When I say warnings I mean warnings before you yank them away from what they are doing - eg It's time for dinner dd, let's go and sit in your highchair. (pause while they finish what they are doing/carry on for a bit) come on sweetie, dinnertime(take them). Just a bit more polite. Works for my dd anyway!!

fairysnuff · 23/08/2007 22:13

I admit that I think it is very funny when DD (11 months) takes one of these wee moods!

I was so shocked the first time she put her head to the floor and screamed with anger!!
The next time, when I put her down from my arms when she didn't want to go (I have a clingy LO), she put her head to the floor shouting the odds. When this got no attention (and it rarely does) she sat up, and threw herself onto her hands to the left. Still no attention to she sat back up and threw them to the right!

Granny and I were in stitches! DD just looked up and grinned at us both then crawled off to play!!

Haven't really seen many of them since that actually.
Am I awful because I laugh when it seems to melodramatic?
DD stops it all quite quickly whenever I do laugh?

She certainly seems to be assertiing her personality which is to be a determined wee madam

mrsbabookaloo · 23/08/2007 22:31

My 14month old dd's "tantrums" have just kicked up into a more serious gear: she's always been quite "assertive" (some might say a handful!) and cried when you take things off her since about 10 months old, (margoand jerry - at 10 months there seems to be some kind of switch that suddenly means they hate having their nappy changed! It really took me by surprise).

In the last week she has had some real unconsolable screaming when she didn't get her own way: more intense than ever before and you can't distract or console her, you can't do anything with her, just wait it out. I've really fallen out with dh about it and what it is and what to do about it, and I think it might be coinciding with a tooth coming through, and with her getting used to a new routine as she has recently gone from 2 naps to 1, but I agree with other posters that it is frustration that causes it. Frustration that they cant have what they want and more frustration that they are trying to communicate and just can't quite express themselves. I also really think that it's important not to give them what they want, but to comfort them anyway and console them as far as you can with a kiss and a cuddle and an offer of another activity when they're calm.

Phew, long post: have had an emotional week with this!!

caspercat · 24/08/2007 07:46

Thanks all for your tips! Especially mummymagic, what you said really makes sense. Shall try to put them all into practice today!
She's just woken up this morning and given us her first proper kiss Makes it all so worthwhile (cheesey)
Sorry for the hijack Lovage, but i think we all got some great advice, as ever xx

fizzbuzz · 24/08/2007 08:37

Can anyone help me with this?

When dd is in her highchair, she has taken to pointing to things around the room. If she doesn't get them, she goes into meltdown and refuses to eat.

At first I didn't think anything about it, and just passed her keys or whatever. But now she is demanding things like the kettle , or anything that catches her eye.

mummymagic · 24/08/2007 10:15

fizzbuzz, i know this one (especially when you have gone through everything trying to work out what it is). I think babies just want you to acknowledge it sometimes.

'Oh yes, it's the kettle.'
If still pointing,
'say hello kettle' wave
if still pointing and going uh uh uh
'sweetie you can't have the kettle cos its dangerous. say hello kettle.' wave

if still not working, distraction.
my faves at breakfast to distract and refocus (ooh nice psychobabble) are:

'where's your peas/water/spoon?' YEAH! There is is!'
OR
'ooh look, are you going to eat peas (pointing) or carrot or mince? (wait) peas? yum yum.'

All said in a over -the-top children's presenter fashion (thankfully how I talk always )

Mumpbump · 24/08/2007 10:16

I think holding the child is good if they're throwing a tantrum. I read somewhere that they can get quite scared themselves by the intensity of their emotions. What I usually do is let ds scream and howl, but ask him every couple of minutes if he wants a cuddle. If he's really overwrought, I will cuddle him unless he goes into complete meltdown when I will put him in his cot so he is physically safe. I don't think giving them a cuddle is giving in; giving them/letting them do what they want would be...

callmeovercautious · 24/08/2007 10:26

DD is a year next month and has been doing this for about 2m. She even bites me
She gets told not to bite Mummy and we have a cuddle. Then if I know what she wanted we will do it. She threw a tantrum the other day because all her rice pudding was finished, I gave her banana instead because I thought she was just hungry still - it bounced off my head!!!!

I just hope she grows out of it! One thing that has helped reduce them is to tell her what we are doing. e.g "Mummy is going to pick you up now it's time for a bath". etc. I found if I just scooped her up and said bathtime she got annoyed that I had interrupted her playtime. They really do understand alot more than we might sometimes give them credit for.

Mumpbump · 24/08/2007 11:26

I agree with telling them what you're about to do. Ds gets a running commentary throughout the days we spend together and I suspect it might well help as he doesn't seem to get too frustrated. Often, if it's bathtime, I'll suggest going to the bath, then let him have another five minutes doing whatever and then tell him it's bath time and get him upstairs. I definitely think they understand more than you realise...

fairysnuff · 24/08/2007 19:40

Ooh, I hadn't thought on that.
DH has just scooped DD up to take her to the bath. She didn't fuss about it, but she may in the future.
I think I will tell DH, so that we both remember.
Although we always have a goodbye to everything as she leaves the room.
Goodbye mummy, goodbye living room, ... doggie.
It was to get her to practise waving but I guess it must help her to realise what is going on.

Hmm, good tip, thanks

ruddynorah · 24/08/2007 19:54

i have found 'the social toddler' by helen and clive dorman very helpful with this stuff. dd is now 16 months and i am currently hating the tantrums, but we're getting there.

Tru1 · 28/08/2007 11:13

Hey can anyone help me?

I have an 18 month old daughter but she has terrible tantrums, they only really occur when she has to go in her pushchair or when I change her nappy. I even bought a new pushchair thinking the other one was uncomfortable but nothing works!! She struggles from the minute I put her in until i give in and let her out. Also she wont have her nappy changed without a good fight and its exhausting.Any ideas?
Thanks

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