Struggling again

[Pinkchampagne]

Really starting to feel out of my depth with my boys behaviour atm.
They are testing me constantly throughout the day, and I'm getting it all wrong. It is so hard for me to get the balance right because they have been so used to their dad being the very strict one, and probably look at me as a bit of a pushover now I am on my own with them.

My mum & ex H aren't helping because they keep spoiling them by buying them things, which I am not doing.

The other day I took them into Woolworths & allowed them to look at the toys, but told them we weren't buying anything.
DS1 started playing up & saying "Mummy's stupid"
He then refused to budge when I tried to leave the shop, and really created when I took his arm to lead him away.

I try to give them time out when they behave badly, but I'm not sure this is having much effect, and ex H keeps telling me I am a soft touch & they don't respect me because they are not scared of me.
I don't want my children to be scared of me, but I need to try & get the balance right because I'm getting worn right down right now. I am finding it really hard being on my own.

Pinkc, I'm sorry you feel you're struggling. But I've noticed a few posts of yours lately and TBH you DO sound like you're coping very well indeed actually. You're holding the fort alone, you are being consistent, but you're sensitive to what your children are going through.

What you describe in your post is great parenting. You didn't give in to the silliness in Woolies; you give them time out etc (I'm sure it WILL work; just being consistent with it will help because eventually it will sink in that mum does carry on doing this!).

i think you're doing it all right.

You're just getting no support for YOU. I think if you had that, it would all feel easier to deal with. Any way you can get a night off now and again to do something with a friend or something?

Oh and don't listen to your ex. Your children will not respect you AT ALL if they're scared of you. They'll just be scared of you. Fear does not lead to respect!

They are messing about badly at bedtime too.
I have been giving them a couple of warnings & then moving one of them into my room for a bit.
Last time I did this with DS1, he threw a huge tantrum & started throwing my things across the room.

Thanks HG. I don't feel I am doing very well at all atm. I have been on my own for 3 months now, and I'm still having a lot of trouble.

I do get the odd evening off when they stay with their dad, and sometimes I do see friends, but often I'm on my own because they all have their own lives & their partners.

oh pink, it must be hard!

I would say you're doing a great job being consistant and sticking to your guns. you're right not to want your kids to fear you! i cant understand anybody wanting that!

you're right they're going through a lot and you have to understand this is the way it is coming out! it's not about you personally although i know it often feels that way!

hope things get better for you soon! but honestly it sounds like your doing a great job!

I feel I am failing miserably with it all & I'm not enjoying being a mum much atm - I am finding it all really hard.

you arent failing miserably!!

all kids test their parents, esp if they have had an upheaval. they want to know you still love them, and giving them boundaries and sticking to them (as well as lots of kisses and cuddles and i love yous) is the best way to show them you care and are standing by them. shoving toys at them and giving them free run is not love!

pink
sounds to me as if you are doing really well actually.
i know our kids are differentages, but i can sympathise with the creating in woolies.
as you lead the little blighter out, keep your head high and carry on as if nothing is happening.
that's what i do now and i can even manage to not turn red anymore. (ds1 creates most days and totally loses use of both his legs? )

Thank you for your posts.

I do give them hugs & tell them I love them & that I missed them after they return from their daddy's.

They are very affectionate boys & DS1 was hugging me last night because he was worried I might be sad about my nan.

I just feel I am getting the whole discipline thing very badly wrong & I don't know how to make things better.

it sounds like ou are getting the discipline right to me!

my MIL told me i was mean to dd as i decided she would have a teddy confiscated everytime she got out of bed, because at 2.10yo i didnt want to do 2hr long bedtimes! and you know what it worked in 6days through sheer determiation and sticking to my guns. she is easier to win round at her age but the principle is the same! if you continue with what you are doing it will bring results!

I hope so!

I am guilty of losing it at times & shouting, which I know is wrong, but I get overly worn down.

I want to get it right, but I'm finding it so hard right now.

pc, i get fed up and shout, my dh gets fed up and shouts (hes with them 2hrs per day tops ) my mum gets fed up and shouts, its human nature to lose it sometimes, the fact you feel guilty about it is acctually a good thing. when you calm down talk to them, tell them you're sorry, you didn't mean it and you lsot your temper. kids have a better understanding of these things than we often give them credit for!

I always try to apologise when I shout.

It is just one thing after another though. Even the way they trash their bedrooms day after day, and strip their duvet covers off the duvets etc.
I do tell them to tidy up their rooms, but it is another battle.
I don't want to threaten with taking their toys from them, because their dad would do this & has been known to actually take sacks of their toys to the dump.

I just feel almost out of my depth with it all at times & it gets me down so much.

Thanks, aviatrix.

I have heard about that book, and I really need to get it, and the siblings without rivalry one, because my two are constantly half killing each other too!

No advice - just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing amazingly. I can't imagine having to do all that alone. I hope you have someone you can rant to (hooray for Mn!). My dh is away for weeks at a time with work and I find I really have to offload to someone about my 3 dcs during that time, otherwise it all seems worse and worse. Lots of sympathy and awe here....

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Boys are energetic and they are probably just finding out their limits at the moment.
Both you and their dad had differnet styles to parenting-so they are just finding out where they stand. This is normal behaviour for kids

once they realise where they stand, it will be easier. also as you have only just split up, you may still, be feeling fragile and that affects your confidence.

your boys are very affectionate and they love you, and they know that they are loved too. Thsi is the most important thing with kids, and you are doing this right

pink why dont you put ds2 to bed first and let ds1 stay down for a bit so they're not keeping each other up.

I will definitely buy that book - I will look it up on Amazon in a minute.

I do try to put DS2 up half an hour before DS1, especially on school nights, but he is often not asleep, and they wake each other up.

They don't behave badly for their dad at all, they just do it for me.

I am a bit run down though & have been for a little while, which they are no doubt picking up on. Also it is harder to get things right when you are feeling a bit under, then the children play up & which drags you down more. I know this is probably a lot of the problem.

My ds's behave like that in shops as well pink champagne. Are you sure they don't play up for their dad? Does he have different standards of what he considers to be acceptable?

They don't dare play him up, and he is quite smug about that.
On the other hand, he keeps buying them things all the time, which I don't do.
Just yesterday he took them for a haircut & they came back with some spiderman thing, and this was exactually what his dad did with them & his mum warned him not to do it with our boys because ex H didn't used to want to go back to his mum.
I don't want them thinking that everytime they walk into a shop they get something, but both ex H and my mum tend to do this, so I am the bad mean one!

I was actually in a shop with mum & the boys recently & DS1 was playing me up & she was still going to buy him something!
I stopped her though, and DS stropped all the more.

Good for you pink champagne!