Struggling again

[Pinkchampagne]

Really starting to feel out of my depth with my boys behaviour atm.
They are testing me constantly throughout the day, and I'm getting it all wrong. It is so hard for me to get the balance right because they have been so used to their dad being the very strict one, and probably look at me as a bit of a pushover now I am on my own with them.

My mum & ex H aren't helping because they keep spoiling them by buying them things, which I am not doing.

The other day I took them into Woolworths & allowed them to look at the toys, but told them we weren't buying anything.
DS1 started playing up & saying "Mummy's stupid"
He then refused to budge when I tried to leave the shop, and really created when I took his arm to lead him away.

I try to give them time out when they behave badly, but I'm not sure this is having much effect, and ex H keeps telling me I am a soft touch & they don't respect me because they are not scared of me.
I don't want my children to be scared of me, but I need to try & get the balance right because I'm getting worn right down right now. I am finding it really hard being on my own.

I feel I am fighting a losing battle with it all though, I really do.

be strong.

My dad used to have violent fits and then buy chocolate. I always ate and enjoyed the chocolate.

I never forgot the violent fits though.

My mother was calm and rational most of the time - she never bought me chocolate. But what I remember is sitting on the kitchen floor after telling her about some bullies and her saying she would stop it all happening. It was worth all the chocolate in the world, to be able to go to my mum like that. Neither of them were perfect, but chocolate had nothing to do with it all, and neither will presents from shops.

I think one of the keys is not to be frightened of keeping them in line. I think boys sometimes (usually maybe?) quite like being kept in line. And it sounds like you are doing great to me. You are following through and taking the flak without backing down and that will count for lots in the long term even if it feels hellish now, I reckon.

Maybe you could practice keeping them in line without feeling bad about it by playing soldiers all day and you can be the troop leader.

Attenn Shun troops! Silence please. We are now going into a shop. This is not a drill, soldiers. Private ds1. Tell me rules of the mission. Correct. There will be no noise. There will be no rudeness. There will be no toys. I Sergeant Major Pinkchampagne and I am in charge. If I say jump, you will jump. Any infringement will mean we go straight back to barracks and it's a court martial for the perpetrator. Understood? Forward march.

Soldier! Remember the rules of your mission. Toy down IMMEDIATELY. Now, troops. Exit shop. Quick smart. Mission accomplished troops. Well done. Extra sweet ration is to be awarded.

And related ramblings. Doesn't have to be soldiers. Anything where you can be the leader and be bossy and get them doing what you say in non-negotiated way and make them laugh. Might not be your style but I have done this and it is quite amusing if you get into it and is good practice for issuing orders and expecting instant obedience. It also gives you about a 65% chance of diffusing a later difficult situation by reverting to soldier speak and barking "Soldier! I will not have dissention in the ranks! Pyjamas on right now!"

I would never thought of the soldier approach, Scummy, but it could well work & is worth a try!

EscapeFrom - I see exactually what you are saying in your post, and looking back at my own childhood, I remember the bad things more than any materialistic treats, but ex H remembers not wanting to go home to his mum because his dad would spoil him, even though his mum took better care of him. I worry about my boys going the same way.
Also, it is hard for me to get reward charts & other positive type things working, when the boys know they get treats regardless.

Thank you for all the encouragement & advice.
I know I'm a nightmare with all these kinds of threads just lately, but I am finding it all a real struggle since being on my own & don't get an awful lot of help from their father or my parents. I really appreciate all the advice I get from you lot!

here is an example of my boys behaviour atm.
I have just come back from what should be a simple trip to get some milk, but it was a nightmare.

I asked boys to pop their shoes on because I needed to go the garage as we were out of milk.
Boys ignored me due to watching something on TV, so I turned it off & repeated my instructions, and they finally did as they were asked.
Boys asked what they were getting from the garage, and I explained that I only had enough money to get milk & that I would be making lunch as soon as we got home.
DS1 said "We will run into the road then"
As I was trying to lock the front door, DS2 tried to do just that & charged off, but I caught him quickly, got down to his level & said "NO, that is very dangerous, you wait for mummy"
DS2 just laughed.

I took their hands & made our way to the garage without too much fuss, but once in there they started picking things up & I had to tell them again that I was only in there to get some milk & had no money to buy extra bits.

DS2 tried to charge out of the door as I opened it, so I had to grab him, and DS1 just stood in the doorway not moving because he was cross he didn't get sweets, so I had to try to grab him too.
I felt everyone was looking at us in disgust.

I had milk in one hand, DS2 in the other, and then DS1 decided to protest further & sat himself in the bus shelter!

Managed to get him out & made it home close to tears.
The most simple tasks are proving such a nightmare right now.

Guess I should have tried the soldier approach!