Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Awful behaviour again from DS1 this morning, and I don't know how best to deal with it.

51 replies

Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 10:16

He is nearly 8, and since I have lived alone with them, his behaviour has been spiralling out of control, and I am having trouble dealing with it.
This morning their bedroom was trashed with loads of clothes that they had pulled out, so I asked them both to tidy them away.
DS1 refused, and kept saying "Get me my clothes" (to get dressed)
I told him I wouldn't get his clothes out until he helped DS2 tidy the bedroom, but he just sat on the floor, pulled the duvet over his legs & kept repeating "Get my clothes"
I told again that I would get his clothes out as soon as he did as I asked & helped to tidy the room. He didn't help at all, but kept demanding his clothes.
DS2 was helping, so I praised him for it, telling him he was very helpful.
DS1 said "No he isn't he's stupid"

We were meant to go to the beach today, but I told DS1 that if he couldn't do as I asked he wouldn't go.
He started answering back, and still would not help DS2, so I have said he is not going to the beach.
He then started screaming "shut up" repeatedly, so I really feel I have to stick to my guns & not take him for a treat, but that will mean I can't take DS2, which isn't fair on him really.
I am getting so so run down with all this, and don't know the best way to deal with it all.
I am finding being a lone mother very very hard & I feel I am getting it all so wrong.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
LadyOfTheFlowers · 07/08/2007 10:21

no advice, sorry.
keep your chin up chick!
someone will be along shortly and.....

BUMP!

edam · 07/08/2007 10:22

Sounds as if you are doing all right to me - you stuck to your guns and carried out the threat so ds1 now knows there are consequences to his actions. Very reassuring for him although there's no way he's going to let on! Shame about ds2 but that's the hard thing about being a brother.

Did you get him his clothes, though? Or did he start to help and then get his clothes - important difference there.

I think a bit of misbehaviour/testing boundaries is to be expected after a split so I'd pick your battles, only get worked up about the big stuff (and think an 8yo being downright rude and repeatedly disobeying is worth reacting to). But I think it is even more important to set those boundaries and keep them in force when the kids are doing through a disruptive time.

juliewoolie · 07/08/2007 10:22

you are doing a great job!

I think you have to stick to your guns on this one. Maybe next time remove his favourite toy for a period of time and make sure he realises he has to earn it back through good behaviour. In situations like this you have to set the boundaries for acceptable behaviour and stick with it.

Good luck

frazzledbutcalm · 07/08/2007 10:29

It's not easy. dd tests me to the limit constantly. She's very awkward, demanding, headstrnong, stubborn. Every day is a challenge and nothing gets through to her. We have 4 children but the other 3 are fine! I make boundaries and stick to them, don/t waiver. I try (doesn't always work!) to give punishment that wont alter treats out. Maybe next time you could still go to beach but make ds sit next to you for first 10 minutes while other son plays happily. that way both still enjoy day out but ds still misses out a bit. Has he always been hard work like this?

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 10:39

I didn't give him his clothes all the time he was demanding them & not helping to tidy. He has since stopped the screaming & said sorry to me, but now I have the boys fighting!
It is all very draining, and I'm finding it very hard atm.

OP posts:
edam · 07/08/2007 10:42

Well, I think you should congratulate yourself on sticking to your guns and helping ds (because that's what teaching him consequences is doing).

frazzledbutcalm · 07/08/2007 10:47

Just try to remember that you got through this! Like i said, every day is a battle with my dd. I love bedtime!! make sure you have betime for kids then you can have some time on your own to keep sane. Thats after all the washing, ironing, cleaning, dishes etc...!!! It will get better and easier.

beansontoast · 07/08/2007 10:59

sounds like you did th eright thing tiring/relentless as it is...

what you describe is one of my 'red rag' behaviours...you can be sure that you handled it much better than i would!

hang in there x

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:08

It calmed again, but all has blown up again badly because I told him he couldn't go & help himself to things out of my fridge, but he ignored me & went to the fridge. Something quite minor, but he was going against what I'd said.
I sent him for time out, but he wouldn't go and he started kicking, so I removed his shoes. He then started throwing things and screaming he hated me & was going to kill me.
I carried him to his room, where he is screaming, shouting abuse & banging hard at the door.
My friend turned up & has taken DS2 to the beach with her & her Ds, so that he is not also suffering, but this has made DS1 fly off on one even more.
I can't cope with much more of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:09

He is throwing things out of his bedroom door, and screaming all kinds of abuse. I am trying hard to ignore

OP posts:
Peachy · 07/08/2007 12:12

PC

what i think is happening here (and as I'm having a similar set of behaviours from ds1, although thats to do with school routine being absent) is that he is deliberately trying to test you as far as possible due to the break up. Kids often dont thnk the way we do, and he needs to feel secure,a nd needs to establish you'll hang around whatever- coz well, Dad didnt (yes I know its far mroe complex, kids dont always see it like that though)

Sounds like you're ding brillaintly- handling it bang on perfectly. can you get ds2 a small magazine or something to compensate for the lack of beach trip?

FrannyandZooey · 07/08/2007 12:12

Someone gave me a good tactic to use with ds - he's only 4 but it might work for you

when you have asked them to do something and they are demanding something else happens - use phrase "as soon as". So instead of saying "No you haven't tidied up", you can say "Yes, I will get your clothes as soon as you have tidied up." Works pretty well with ds and avoids you having to say "no" all the time.

I think you have handled this as well as you could at the time, btw - it sounds blinking difficult.

Peachy · 07/08/2007 12:13

PC let him burn it out

When he has been quiet ten minutes, go up with a drink, knock on the door (make him feel like a grown up) and go in for a chat.

FrannyandZooey · 07/08/2007 12:13

Cross posts - not sure about the "my fridge" thing. Is it not their food in their fridge as well?

Saturn74 · 07/08/2007 12:15

It sounds like you're doing a great job, PC.
I know it's really hard, but try and keep as calm as possible.
I think he's behaving like this with you because he knows he is safe with you, and that you love him.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:17

Well yes, not sure if I said "My fridge", or "the fridge" tbh, but I don't let them go & take food without asking first. If I have asked for something & I have said they can have it, that is ok, but I don't like them just opening the fridge & helping themselves, especially when I was just about to sort their lunch.

OP posts:
slim22 · 07/08/2007 12:18

Hugs and kisses. You are doing a great job. Time will help him heal. He's obviously going through a lot of tumultuous emotions because of the split.
Maybe it would help that he has some sort male mentoring like an unncle/older cousin/family friend/grandfather/sports coach. To talk things through or simply vent out his anger.

Don't know what else to say.
Get raising boys by steve Biddulph. An eye opener on some typically boyish behaviour. And keep it up. You are obviously giving them love and support. They'll eventually see that you are the one who stayed.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:18

Sorry, if they have asked for something, and I have said ok!

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 07/08/2007 12:20

With ds (who is only 4 so no idea if it would work at 8) when he says no and won't do as I ask, I tell him I am going to his bedroom and intend to remove toys one by one until he does - it is entirely up to him how long he chooses not to comply.

I have never yet made it to his bedroom door!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:21

Thanks for the support, I really feel I am doing something very very wrong atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:23

Good idea, Goosey, that may work!

As soon as he calms down, I intend on having a talk & then if he calms, maybe meeting my friend down the beach with DS1. Do you think that will be the right thing to do once he has calmed, or should I ban the beach totally for today?

OP posts:
DaisyMOO · 07/08/2007 12:29

I would go to the beach (tbh I probably wouldn't have threatened to withdraw it, but I know we all do things in the heat of the moment ) because I think you could do with some fresh air and space

It sounds like you're doing a great job btw.

Peachy · 07/08/2007 12:32

I wouldn't go to the beach tbh, all he'll have larned is that if he kicks off enough he'l get what he wants

No reason you cant do domething else- a walk, ice cream- but beach would be a non no

hunkermunker · 07/08/2007 12:36

Am just reading Siblings Without Rivalry which is great - can you get hold of a copy?

Lots about how we put our children into "roles" and compare them - and if you have a child who's "the good one", the other one feels they can't be the best at being good, so they'll sure as hell be the best at being bad.

Am going to read the chapter on fighting on the way home, so will update with any good tips later

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/08/2007 12:36

Ok, maybe we will forget the beach, I was just thinking that I would maybe let him go once he was behaving, but he needs to learn that he doesn't get treats for bad behaviour.
Will get him out somewhere though, I think he needs to get out, and I sure do!

He seems to be going quiet now, so I'm going to go & have a chat with him.

OP posts: