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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I need some help with Ds, he is just out of control :(

28 replies

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:03

I'm not even sure where to start, I just don't know what to do with him.

He is 4.8 and due to start school this Sept.

He can be the most sweet and lovely boy, but that boy has been slowly dissapearing over the last few months and there is not much of him left. Now, he is nasty, naughty, talks to me like crap, and tbh alot of the time I don't like him.

I'm his mum so I know alot of this must be down to me as I am the only adult he sees every day, but I am just not sure where I have gone wrong and how to put it right.

The way things are going, his school days are going to be so miserable, because if he speaks to the other children and the teachers the way he speaks to me, then he will have no friends and be considered naughty by the teachers.

Nothing I do with him seems to work, he doesn't seem to care about any punishment. If I ban tv, I get a mouthful of abuse and then he goes off to sulk, but it doesn't stop his bad behaviour. If i confiscate toys, i get another mouthful of abuse and then he'll forget the toy ever exsisted so doesn't care.

I need some rules and consequences that he will understand, as he doesn't seem to get any of what I do.

Help please, I want my lovely little boy back.

OP posts:

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Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:20

Bump, am really at a loss here, just don't know where to start with him.

OP posts:

emsiewill · 06/08/2007 22:24

I am the last person who can give you wise words on dealing with unruly children, but one thing I am pretty sure of is that he won't speak to teachers / children at school the way he talks to you.

My dd1 is sometimes sooooo rude to me that I feel like the worst mother in the world. However, at school she is the perfect pupil, and is held up as a shining example of good manners, maturity and how to be a model pupil.

Hope that reassures a bit

BirdyArms · 06/08/2007 22:27

My ds's are younger so not really qualified to help. Have you tried looking at parenting books for help & inspiration. I got 'How to talk so that kids will listen....' out of the library and it looked really good. There was a long thread on it on here a couple of months ago. I'm sure that someone more useful will be along soon!

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:29

I have the how to talk book, although tbh I have only flicked through it so far.

I used to think he wouldn't speak to teachers and other kids the way he speaks to me but the circle of people he will speak that way too, seems to be getting bigger every day, so now I am not so sure.

He seems to be so angry all the time.

OP posts:

Dinosaur · 06/08/2007 22:32

praise good behaviour to the skies, reward it, sticker charts, pasta jar, marble jar etc, if he gets a certain number of stickers or whatever he gets a little reward

ignore (as far as possible) bad behaviour, don't "reward" it by giving it attention, even negative attention, pick battles carefully, be consistent

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:37

I have tried stickers, but he wasn't interested, if i told him he wasn't getting or was going to lose a sticker, he didn't care.

Haven't tried pasta jar yet so will give that a whirl.

I do find it hard to ignore his bad behaviour mainly because if it's a tantrum, he screams so loud at me that I snap and shout back.

I used to be so good at ignoring dd2, was praised on it once lol, but she wasn't so loud, just repetative.

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isaidno · 06/08/2007 22:38

Can you remove him from the room when he has a tantrum?
It's less effective when you only have yourself to scream at!

divastrop · 06/08/2007 22:39

was there a trigger for his behaviour changing?it may be worth going to the gp to rule out any physical problems(i found out a few months ago that my angelic ds2 turning into a monster when he was 2 was in fact due to not being able to hear very well).or has there been a change in his diet or anything?

havent any advice really,just to say that my dd1 (8.5)is a rude,cheeky gobshite at home,and has been since she was about 3,but she is a model pupil at school and has loads of friends.

rantinghousewife · 06/08/2007 22:42

Thinks Dinos way is the only way to go tbh, if you can't stick to it, the problem won't get better, it will get worse. I'm sorry to be so tough but you said it yourself, if he behaves that way at school he will have a pretty miserable time of it. You need to ignore bad behaviour, praise the good, be consistent (no giving up if it hasn't worked after 3 days, it's not a quick solution). It works and more to the point will help make him a nicer person to be around and give him a better quality of life.

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:43

I could remove him from thew room when we are at home yeah, although not sure where I could put him that he couldn't wreck.

His diet is pretty much the same except that he doesn't eat as well as he used to, so his diet is slightly more limited than it was. He has loads of food dislikes at the mo. I try and ignore it as much as poss, and still dish up the same as I was, but it is taking it's toll.

He had his hearing checked as a baby and failed 3 times but was then passed as fine, although tbh if someone were to test him again and he fail I would not be shocked, which probably means I should get him tested again doesn't it.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:48

No you are right, if I don't stick to it, it won't work, I just find it so tough, but that is no excuse.

OP posts:

rantinghousewife · 06/08/2007 22:48

Yes, get him tested again, then you can be surer how to deal with it.

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:50

Ok, have to speak to HV anyway about his poor fine motor skills.

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rantinghousewife · 06/08/2007 22:50

You're not alone, my ds was like this, he's now a teen and a pretty nice one at that. We struggled along until I found the strength to deal with it properly. Hard at first but much easier afterwards. And we have a very good relationship now.

twoisplenty · 06/08/2007 22:52

Do you think anger is the key? Youngsters get angry for a reason, and it is usually because they feel things are out of control. Think about the routine at home - is there consistency and is there a consequence for his bad behaviour? You say that he doesn't seem to get any of what you do, but they do, they just don't show it, they don't want you to think they care.

Is it a calm household, where there is lots of praise and fun? Or is there anger coming from you too, when he gets out of control?

These are just ideas btw, please don't take this the wrong way.

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:53

Oh well that is nice to hear, and very reasurring, thank you.

Am off to bed to gather much needed energy for tommorow

Thanks all, will bump this again in the morning and update with any progress.

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twoisplenty · 06/08/2007 22:53

Just another thought come to mind: he isn't scared of starting school, is he?

Original poster

nutcracker · 06/08/2007 22:56

I don't think he is no. He went to the nursery on the same site as the school, and has visted his new class several times, and according to new teacher, he looked like he'd always been there. His older sisters go there too, so he is very familiar with it.

I have more of a problem with him starting school than he does lol.

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TheodoresMummy · 06/08/2007 23:25

Just a quick tip. Did a behaviour course recently and they made a big thing of this point.

Praise and reward good behaviour (as we all know), and give a consequence for bad behaviour, but keep them seperate.

Never take away for the bad what the child earned with the good.

Katiekin · 06/08/2007 23:25

is he feeling a little insecure at leaving you for longer? Both my DSs missed me when they were starting school and got clingy and always were badly behaved when they came home.
Try lots of cuddles and 'I love you's' along the lines of the book 'Guess how much I love you' to reassure him. If my DS2 gets a bit aggressive or starts calling me names I usually distract him very early on before it gets too nasty by tickling him or catching him up and kissing him. If he is really being naughty he has to go on the naughty step, ie sit on the stairs for 5 minutes to calm down. That works for me,

Katiekin · 06/08/2007 23:29

My DS1 9 and DS2 5 hate the naughty step and will usually stop just with the threat of it. If we are out I dock pocket money. This is beginning to work with DS2 and definitely works with DS1. They get their money on Saturdays before we go to the shop so less money means less treats

KITTENSOCKS · 07/08/2007 08:42

Do get another hearing test, it might be glue ear DS has. A little boy at my DS's nursery had it, and was well known as naughty, even by the children! Once the problem was treated, he became a different child. The naughtiness was the result of frustration that he couldn't hear, or make himself understood properly, he had less vocabulary than his peers at 3.6yrs, and didn't do or did the wrong thing when given instructions because he couldn't hear to do as asked correctly.
You mentioned concern about his fine motor skills, does he start to make a model and when a fiddly bit goes wrong smash it up and have a tantrum? Destructiveness is often born of frustration, and hurling insults and abuse. In a hypothetical situation, how would he respond if you said "it's a shame you broke that model, it was going so well. Lets look at it together and I'll help you with that difficult bit." Does he feel that you will not love him when he's bad.
or that he isn't getting enough good attention?
Not meaning to sound bossy, just giving some ideas to ponder.

Original poster

nutcracker · 07/08/2007 09:06

Morning all, thank for the messages.

He is a very loving little boy, and he is always saying he loves me and I always saying I love him, so I don't think it's that.

Wrt to his fine motor skills, nursery picked up the problem, as he cannot hold a pencil correctly, use scissors or do any jigsaws other than those baby ones with the little handles on. He can use lego if it is the big peices, but where other kids would sit and say right i am going to build a car, he would just put one or two bits together and then walk off. It's like it's too hard and he doesn't see the point.

His speech is fine I think. Strangers sometimes can't understand him, but nursery never had any trouble.

I think I am going to try the naughty step or thinking step or whatever it is called now. Was racking my brains last night to think where he could sit, and we have a wooden storage chest at the bottom of the stairs so he could sit there.

OP posts:

Donk · 07/08/2007 09:44

Just a thought - think through how you will handle things if he won't stay on the thinking step.....
Better than just reacting if it goes wrong...

kslatts · 07/08/2007 09:57

I agree that you should really praise good behaviour and ignore the bad behaviour. This worked for us with dd2.

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