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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

WHY are some children violent in nature??

43 replies

Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:26

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

foxinsocks · 31/07/2007 15:28

frustration?

Original poster

Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:31

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foxinsocks · 31/07/2007 15:32

is he at pre-school yet?

HonoriaGlossop · 31/07/2007 15:33

Some kids just do this more than others.

Strong, firm, consistent boundaries (like you already do in removing him from the scene etc), and you are doing all you can. He WILL get the message eventually.

Often playdates are just a nightmare.

Kids are not socialised at this age, often. And playdates are just awful. Often they're better if held down at the park rather than cooped up in the house.

My ds went through a phase of hitting US and I was horrified, but dealt with it strongly and he got the message/grew out of it.

Don't let him panic you. I'm sure he won't be long term violent specially as his parents are good role models. He will get there. Be consistent but don't let it rile you too much.

foxinsocks · 31/07/2007 15:34

there were still a few kicking/hitting/pinching children in ds's class when they started reception (I mean regular hitters rather than outbursts).

By the end of the school year, most of them had calmed down substantially.

I don't know why it happens.

Ds was horrendous at 3/4 and even nearing 5. You can ask MI how I AGONISED about getting him referred - I honestly thought there must be something up with him because he was SO difficult (very violent with me especially) but he is a totally different child now.

OrmIrian · 31/07/2007 15:35

Do you think he has these angry impulses but sees no anger at home so feels he has to hold it all in until it breaks out? Anger isn't a bad thing in itself. I have a bit of a temper and so does DS#1 So I don't find it hard to understand when he lashes out (usually verbal or with shoving rather than hitting). Usually one outburst calms him down and we have a chat about whats bothering him.

Original poster

Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:40

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:41

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:43

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binklehasflipped · 31/07/2007 15:44

I understand your frustration, I have a little weirdo myself

She is ahem..highly strung...and although she doesnt randomly attack other children, I've caught her nipping and poking her friends and was mortified. then I caught her friends nipping and poking her and realised they all do it. So doesnt make it right, but makes it par for the course at the age she is.

All I can do is dissuade it

HonoriaGlossop · 31/07/2007 15:45

oh I do feel for you pruners.

I honestly think that kids are socialised so much more now. Your ds has had years of this happening, because he has had years of being exposed to playing with other kids....when I was a kid I think I had one 'playgroup' session a WEEK and that was it for other kids and me, in the pre-school years I mean.

If he's focussing this on other kids, just meet up with them as little as you can.

He'll get enough social time at Nursery to help him along.

And I agree, some kids at reception age are still doing this; my ds' teacher had a boy moved to her class specifically so she could deal with it, she dealt with it and this boy is very popular and happy.

What have nursery said - any problems there that have been raised with you?

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:47

pruni

HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT

honestly, I have seen kids go through this. Mine have, but esp dd (2).

A violent 4 yo does not = wife beater in 30 years. Honestly.

What is probably happening is that he wants to play a certain way with the other kids, or not at all, and they want something different, and somehow he lacks the skills to convey this. Or he is actually a bit shy.

So from what you have said here and in the past I'd guess its a combination of strong will (and this is a Good Thing) and not knowing how to articulate this. And also, being 4, not much caring about other kids he really barely knows, given that kids do usually take longer to get to know each other and trust each other.

ONE thing I would say is that some kids set each other off, and in this situation its probably best to avoid them if at all possible-he IS still learning social skills at this age.

My kids have a vile habit of fighting with the kids of the people I like best, and getting on with the kids with the absolute dullest mothers. I recently had to suffer a 3 hour discussion on the merits of b&q vs homebase, and I am trying not to hold it against ds.

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:49

(this prob isn't helpful at ALL btw but when ds was behaving like this, at around this age, I pulled him out of all social activities-including nursery-and just gave him SPACE. It worked wonders. but I know you are in a different situation, with the knitting/working and the recent move and all)

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:50

another thought then i will bugger off

kids are normally better at interacting with older or (sometimes) younger children. It gives them a chance to learn and practice social skills. Is this at all an option? For a 4 yo I'd go for at least a very mature 5 yo.

Original poster

Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:51

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:55

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FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:55

you can't deal much with anything with a 3/4 yo imo

they just have to outgrow it

and people get very OTT about biting, IMO. I don't get why (neither of mine have ever bitten, I hasten to add)

HonoriaGlossop · 31/07/2007 15:56

pruners I fear you are right about articulate children sometimes being looked at without too much joy by school type envirnments sadly tis where most of my ds' strengths are, eg he never shuts up

I totally agree with filly about pulling back on the socialising, and it's such a good thought about letting him play with older kids if possible as an alternative. Older kids tend to play along a bit with a younger one.

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:57

also-are there predictable triggers?

often one kid will reliably hit. But other kids will do reliably things that trigger this. I see this with my two-they will wind each other up so one hits and then THAT one gets the telling off.

HonoriaGlossop · 31/07/2007 15:58

Yes I'd keep him in Nursery so you can rest assured he is getting some social time, then the rest of the time keep him busy but not playing alone with others; stuff like swimming is good, the library, going to the beach if you're near; stuff where he can hare about and use energy but not have to DEAL WITH OTHER KIDS

FillydoraTonks · 31/07/2007 15:58

home ed...home ed...

or is something like a steiner kindergarten at all a possibility?

they are normally VERY good with energetic boys, IMO.

Original poster

Pruners · 31/07/2007 15:59

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Pruners · 31/07/2007 16:03

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foxinsocks · 31/07/2007 16:06

oh pruni, don't be sad

foxinsocks · 31/07/2007 16:09

perhaps new nursery will be better

he might suit a more structured environment

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